"Diabolique"

Diabolique (1996) is a pathetic remake of the French Film Les Diaboliques (1955). It features Sharon Stone (who received a Razzie as worst new female star for this performance) as a conniving girlfriend, and Isabelle Adjani as the wronged wife. Adjani married Chazz Palminteri, who rules her boarding school, and terrorizes her, with equal tyranny. Meanwhile, his mistress (Stone), who teaches at the school, plots with Adjani to kill him. Adjani, however, has a weak heart, which is the basis for a double-cross.

Ajdani is such a whining wimp that I wanted to kill her myself and put her out of her misery. Palminteri gives new meaning to the term flat performance, and Stone's character is less than one dimensional. The film is dark and fuzzy throughout, and I found myself not caring about the plot at all. This is another case of a PG film with an R rating. Adjani is shown briefly in a steamy bathroom, mostly from the back. There is a little public hair, and one stretched nipple. I tried this once from VHS, and decided it was not worth the effort. Although they did an excellent job of giving the DVD the look and feel of weak VHS, I was able to grab a few images that are recognizable.

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Isabelle Adjani (1, 2, 3)

"What Planet Are You From"

What Planet Are You From (2000) starts off as an over the top SCI-FI comedy (or at least tries to), and sort of meanders into a romantic drama. There are some lovely women, some real talent, and a few funny moments, but it is an often slow, and mostly incoherent film. Garry Shandling plays an alien who is given a short course on the seduction of the earth woman, then sent to earth with an added penis, to impregnate a woman as quickly as possible. This is all in the interest of intergalactic expansionism. We are never told how a mixed-race baby causes the annexation of Earth, but that is a minor flaw for this film. Transit is accomplished through the toilette of an airliner in flight. Shandling starts hitting on women from the moment he leaves the john.

He has been given a cover as an investment banker, and a co-worker (Greg Kinnear) takes him under his wing and tries to get him laid. After hitting the strip club, he takes Shandling to the ultimate babe-mart -- an AA meeting. There Shandling finds the woman of his dreams --Annette Bening. You can see her at the AA meeting in image one with great pokies. At one point, Kinear's wife, Linda Fiorentino tries to seduce Shandling, and she also comes into the bank in a white fishnet outfit that is hot, even though little flesh is exposed. Shandling also has sex with a stew ... excuse me, flight attendant played by Samantha Smith.

This isn't a bad film, it is just sort of a nothing film. I have a hunch some of the best footage was left on the cutting room floor by the fact that sub-plots start, then just sort of go away. Better editing might have made for a much better film, and they should have gone all the way with either comedy or romance.

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Annette Bening (1, 2, 3) Anastasia Sakelaris Stripper (1, 2, 3) Judy Greer (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) Linda Fiorentino (1, 2, 3, 4)

Knightriders is a terrific independent film directed by George Romero, the " ... living dead" dude. On the surface it is simple. A band of modern itinerant performers re-enacts the jousts of the Arthurian legends, except they compete on motorcycles rather than horses. In addition to the jousting, they have chosen to maintain the trappings and live by the code of honor of King Arthur. Their traveling act is gradually becoming popular with a wider audience.

The modern commercial world invades their little road show. Promoters want to take them big-time, make them a Vegas act, give them a slick facade, and spiff up their costumes and promotions. Disco music replaces the madrigals, some of the knights pose for magazine covers, etc. The movie is about how the situation gets resolved.

The movie works on at least three allegorical levels. On the one hand, it shows the deterioration of their ideals in the same way the original Camelot fell. In another sense, it parallels Romero's own mixed feelings about selling out his indie ideals to make Hollywood pictures. And finally, it chronicles the failure of the hippie ideals of the 60's, which were gradually co-opted by the mainstream media and culture, until the symbols remained, but the spirit was dead.

It's not too bad as an action-adventure, either, with some pretty good jousts, which appear to be halfway between actual jousts and the chariot races in Ben-Hur.

Plus four different women showed some flesh, and three of them were lookers. Maureen Sadusk, however, I might have done without.

It's a unique and worthwhile picture that is must viewing for serious film buffs. I liked it more this time than when I first saw it. I recommend it with only one major hesitation. It is about two and a half hours long, and it doesn't really have enough content to drive that much screen time, so there are some long static sections.

Notwithstanding the running time, it is a reasonable contender for the title of "best independent film ever made". Patricia Tallman (1, 2) Amy Ingersoll (1, 2) Amanda Davies Maureen Sadusk

Once in a while when I leave the computer and head down to the beach, I run into guys in their 40's and 50's who really are the Spicolis of the world. I haven't decided if it's horribly pathetic, or truly unique and wonderful that some people live their whole lives stoned and always looking for the perfect wave.

We have found your daughter, in Africa of all places. However, it is unknown how she got here, nor is she able to talk because of lockjaw, but we are under the impression that she does not want to leave. We have tried for several days to bring her back home, but she is insistent of staying here with her discovery. I have enclosed a picture for you to show you that she is okay, and not let you worry because she is in good hands in this Village.

Please contact us if there is anything else you might want to know.

Minnesota Police Department

Subject: Lost Daughter (hint: the picture is the punchline)

17. You've got Windows on your laptop. 16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave. 15. Your dork is ajar. 14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. 13. I can see your Gap dancers. 12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson... 11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal. 10. Elvis Junior has left the building! 9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. 8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir! 7. Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant! 6. Lil' Shaq's at the free show line. 5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary." 4. Your closet door is open and Donato's peeking out. 3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. 2. I see you have an opening in senior management.

....and the Number 1 Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped: 1. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

TERMS TO ADD TO YOUR VOCABULARY IN THE EARLY 2000s OFFICE

BLAMESTORMING- Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed-and who is responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves. SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end. CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a huge CLM. OHNO-SECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Bridget, my ... um, friend." BODY NAZIS: Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles. IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch Potato. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. Example: "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists." GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who Have snapped and gone on shooting rampages. CHIPS AND SALSA - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. i.e.: "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa." G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again. IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials, Ally McBeal, Monica Lewinsky, etc. DE-INSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of a de-installed vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key. Sometimes referred to as the THREE-FINGERED SALUTE. YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps." ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up.

A good laugh

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore on the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes 10 seconds and costs $10.00... a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If your don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Requests from Viewers
The CNDB lists Heather Thomas doing nudity in an Austalian mini-series called "Flair". Anybody have any more info?

There are lots of nude scenes in Charlie sheen's movie "Postmortem (1998)" Anyone have any good 'caps?