"Legally Exposed"

Legally Exposed (1997) day two.

Finally, I have an overview of the click series.


The second was "SEXUAL DEPENDENCE DAY" now known as "SEX, LIES & POLITICS."

The third was "FOR THE LOVE OF THE CLICK" and has not been released domestically yet.

The fourth was "EROTIC CURSE OF CAIRO" now known as "LEGALLY EXPOSED."

The fifth was "BALLS OF THUNDER" know now as "ROD STEELE 0014: YOU ONLY LIVE UNTIL YOU DIE."

The sixth was "FOR THE LOVE OF THE CLICK" and has not be released yet.

The seventh is "SECRETS REVEALED" and has also not been released yet.

There is talk of a box set.

So this is the fourth in the series. Four of the seven have been released and capped by me. Last night, we got through the intro, where Dr. Fez chases all over the world to find the clicker. He ends up in LA, where it has been purchased by the owner of the biggest, sleaziest law firm in the world. Coincidences pile up on top of each other here, one character changes bodies, an actress from the opening sequence plays a second character, and it becomes a little hard to follow.

Jacqueline Lovell is a ball busting junior partner in the law firm. When the evil senior partner has a heart attack after using the click on the two of them, she takes over the firm. Paralegal Leigh Ann Garrett grabs the clicker in the confusion, and uses it to enhance her love life. Once Lovell realizes the power of the click, she sets out to find it. Fez has been put in touch with super agent Kim Dawson, because Hollywood agents know everything. Turns our Dawson represents Garrett's sister, a fashion model, played by the same actress as the mummy queen, Thao Ngyen. Near the end, Garretts character morphs into Shae Harlow to seek revenge.

All of these women show everything. I could find no reviews on line for this one. This is not the best of the series. It is slow starting, the camera rotates around the subjects effect was way over-used, the lighting was bad in many scenes, it was badly edited, and several lines were mis-delivered. I am guessing bad director. This is a C-.

  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails

  • Kim Dawson and Jacqueline Lovell (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35)
  • Shae Harlow and Jacqueline Lovell (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27)
  • Jacqueline Lovell (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29)
  • Leigh Ann Garrett (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26)
  • Thao Nguyen (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    La Belle Noiseuse (1991)

    You have to credit director Jacques Rivette for one thing - the man has a set of cojones the size of Luxembourg. In fact, when he goes to Luxembourg, they spill over the French border. This movie is 229 minutes long in PAL format. PAL speeds all films by 4%, so it will run almost exactly four hours in an NTSC format.

    Lawrence of Arabia runs 228 minutes in the director's cut.

    That's some brass ones, right? A four hour film can only be shown once per evening, so the box office potential is infinitesimal unless the film IS Lawrence of Arabia.

    But there's more.

    La Belle Noiseuse is not a sweeping epic like Lawrence, or a fantasy masterpiece like The Return of the King, or a lengthy multi-part historical narrative like Andrei Rublev, or a brilliant saga of friends from childhood to old age, like Once Upon a Time in America. It is essentially an artist in his studio with one model. He spends time getting her in precisely the correct pose, then a hand sweeps a brush over a canvas for five minutes, dabbing, swirling, inking. Repeat as needed - for hours. There isn't much more to it than that. In fact, that is the only thing happening for more than half of the film - two hours worth, which is essentially a full-length film of its own.

    And the other half is not that much more lively.

     The model's boyfriend and the artist's wife become jealous of the bond being formed between the painter and his subject. It is not a romantic relationship which threatens them. The painter is a decrepit old fella, and the model is the young and stunning Emmanuele Beart. The fact that there is no courtship, however, doesn't mean that the relationship isn't close. A man and a naked woman working together for weeks, with the man trying to capture the essence of the woman's soul on canvas, can form a deeper intimacy than any lovers. His questions and his staring eyes probe her deeper than any penis could. It is this unique bond, and its all-consuming nature, that gets in the way of their relationships with others.

    Many critics were dazzled by this film. It won the grand prize at Cannes. There are nine reviews at MRQE, and every one gave it a perfect score except The Austin Chronicle, which awarded 4.5 out of 5 stars. Roger Ebert gave it four stars and raved that it conveyed a complete understanding of the artistic process. He argued that the long sessions with the model were completely necessary to show the link between the artist and the subject in the artistic process, and that the long scenes which consisted solely of a hand painting on a canvas were completely necessary to allow the audience to experience directly in the creation of art from nothing.

    Obviously, I am an aesthetically-challenged Philistine. I can understand the point he is making, and I guess I could even be persuaded to agree with it on a cerebral level, but I can't imagine how anyone could stay awake during this film. It's four hours long; there's very little dialogue; the minimal dialogue is in French with subtitles and seems inordinately pretentious; there's basically one set; there are basically only two important actors.

    There is really only one element of the film which held my attention, and that was the constant naked presence of Beart. Given the length of this film, and the fact that she is completely naked for about half of its running time, Beart may have done more minutes of full nudity in this movie than any other legitimate actress in the history of cinema has done in a single film. It could be titled "Two Hours of Emmanuelle Beart posing stark naked", and have no fear of a false advertising claim. The only problem with that it that the quantity kills the eroticism. Suppose you were married to a very beautiful woman and she walked around the house stark naked every minute of the day and night. How long do you think that would turn you on? Most likely, the quantity of the nudity would have a numbing effect on your libido, to the point where it would no longer be erotic, a phenomenon not unlike the lack of erections in nudist camps. Ms Beart, therefore, is stark naked constantly, and she is very beautiful, but the erotic value of that exposure is rapidly exhausted, and her naked body simply becomes part of the art supplies in the studio.




    • new volume: Judi Dench
    • updated volume: Emmanuelle Beart



    Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap




    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    'Caps and comments by Spaz:

    First up...the DVD stuff

    "The Beastmaster" (1982)
    Funhouse favorite released to full featured DVD recently. Along with Tanya Robert being topless, some witches show their buns in a coven scene. The most notable is Janet Jones (aka Mrs. Wayne Gretzky) with Janet DeMay and Chrissy Kellogg as the other two witches (Janet Jones is witch #3 in the brown robe). There are other revealing photos of the witches in the gallery section plus Vanna Bonta as a very nude and pregnant wife (probably wearing a prosthetic). Set decorator Deborah Moreland also shows some nice pokies in the gallery section (even the crew members are babes).

    • Pics from movie and gallery section (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

    "Delta of Venus" (1995)
    Zalman King erotic classic and Funhouse favorite that was released to DVD recently. While the Audie England nude scenes are crystal clear, the gyno-cam shot of Eva Duchkova is so dark it's hard to make anything out. This shot was much clearer in the video version.

    • Eva Duchkova: gyno-cam scene from both video and dvd.
    • Marketa Hrubesova: breasts making love to the Abedesi guy from television series HBO's Oz.

    "King Frat" (1979) uncut version
    This drive-in grossout comedy was released to video in various cuts. The US R-rated video version is missing two scenes: (1) the sex scene in the back of an ambulance which was key to the only funny joke in the movie (she got stuck to his erection during the bumpy ambulance ride) and (2) a guy walking past a couple having sex in bathtub. The MPAA did not mind the piss and fart jokes but found the sex scenes too dirty. Fortunately the UK DVD version is uncut.

    • Teri Kelso: topless and near bush.
    • Unknown: having sex in very dirty bathtub. (no nudity)

    "The Wild Dogs" (2002)
    Canadian/Hungarian arthouse production about poverty and the sex trade in Budapest. Most the nudity is done by unidentified Hungarian actresses although Rachel Blanchard shows major bra-less cleavage.

    "Blood Clan" (1990)
    Obscure Canadian movie about cannibalism only available on the Spanish DVD titled "El Clan". No nudity

    And now the VHS stuff....

    "Get Crazy"(1983)
    Malcolm McDowell rock and roll cult movie so this has to be crazy. A notable topless appearance by future singer and voice actress Charity James.

    "Love $ Greed" (1991)
    Very obscure comedy about an estranged couple who have to conceive a child under wacky conditions in order to get an inheritance. The movie starts with a topless love scene by former singer and future casting director Lori Eastside.

    "Sweet Revenge" (1987)
    An escape from women-in-prison movie. Nancy Allen's strapless gown is overtaken by a nude skinny dipping scene by Michelle Little and newcomer Gina Gershon who both show boobs and butt.

    "Radioactive Dreams" (1985)
    Bad bad post-apocalyptic movie. If only the lighting was better Michele's boobies could have been visible.

    "Enterprise" episode Anomaly
    Julia Rose as a starship commando is the latest Star Trek babe to watch. In episode Anomaly she is shown changing in a co-ed changeroom. I wonder if the writers have ever thought of zero-gravity brassieres?

    • Julia Rose: pokies in star trek issue underwear.

    Jessica Alba
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    Awesome production stills of the mega-hot Alba from her new movie "Honey".

    Leelee Sobieski Leelee showing off a truckload of cleavage during a recent photo-op.

    Gabrielle Union A great collage by DeadLamb of Union in a bikini top from "Bad Boys II".

    Mandy Moore Today's topic for debate...Nip slip or not? Here is Mandy in scenes from "How to Deal" (2003). Is there something there? I can't tell for sure.

    Marion Cotillard
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Señor Skin 'caps of the French actress seen in her undies, showing cleavage and going full frontal in scenes from the French hit movie "Taxi" (1998), written and produced by Luc Besson. An American remake of "Taxi" is currently in post production and scheduled for release sometime in 2004. My guess...this will suck eggs since it stars Jimmy Fallon of SNL.

    By the way...Cotillard can be seen on the big screen in the upcoming Tim Burton movie "Big Fish" (2003).