"Kama Sutra"

Kama Sutra (2000) -- continuing where we left off last night, tonight's episode is entitled Love Quarrels. We open with a couple having energetic sex after an argument. The camera pulls back to reveal that this is a set, and they are filming episodes of Kama Sutra. Then the male lead's girlfriend, Gabriella Hall, shows up, and is not amused that her guy was just screwing Tawny Garrison. Tamara Landry gives the two a little counseling, and everybody lives happily ever after.

Again, this is clearly "couples erotica," as the women are always right, most of the sex is cowgirl position, and there hasn't been a single blow job yet. Garrison shows everything in three scenes, and Hall shows breasts, buns, and pubic patch. All of the sex seemed pretty much the same, and the plot was weak even by genre standards and entirely predictable. C-.

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  • Gabriella Hall (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21)
  • Tawny Garrison (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    When Will I Be Loved?

    A few preliminary notes:.

    • From the end of the opening credits to the start of the closing credits, it runs 73 minutes.

    • Out of that 73 minutes, about 15-20 minutes consists of material completely extraneous to the central plot. There are many time-killing cameos and improvised ramblings, but I'll cite only one detailed example: the female lead (Neve Campbell) meets Lori Singer in Central Park. The dialogue consists of such incisive questions as "aren't you Lori Singer?" and "is that your boyfriend?". The conversation seemed to be improvised. (It has that familiar unentertaining quality of actors not knowing what to say.) Our heroine also asked Singer, "are you still in show business?" OK, I was wondering the same thing myself, so it was realistic for the character to ask that, but what surprised me was the affirmative answer. At that point, I was thinking "so if you are still acting, why hasn't anybody seen you doing it in about a decade?" If she had said, "no, I quit to do charitable work and concentrate on my cello playing", I would have understood, but to just flat out admit that she was still trying, and unable to get any role anyone would have noticed .... ? Why did Singer agree to participate in this humiliating exchange?

    Anyway, that killed a bunch of time with no constructive purpose, as did several other largely improvised (and sometimes badly acted) encounters.

    The central plot of the movie is this: our heroine is a rich girl living of her parents' money in Manhattan. Her boyfriend is a street hustler who does a bit of pimping. A rich and famous old Italian man sees the couple kissing, and is approached by the hustler with various propositions. The old Italian geezer says, more or less, "Sorry, not interested, but I want to fuck your girlfriend."  The hustler sets it all up. The Italian man shows up with a check for $100,000. The girlfriend says, "don't insult me, come back when you have a more interesting offer." The old coot comes back with his dick in one hand and four shopping bags full of money in the other - a million dollars in cash altogether. The girlfriend sleeps with him and takes the money to the bank.

    Now here's the twist. The girlfriend has been stringing both men along. She resents being sold by her boyfriend - and being undervalued by a multiple of ten to boot! She also resents another man thinking he can buy her. So when the boyfriend comes by for his commission on the sale, she says that the ancient fella had his way with her, but refused to pay her a penny. That leaves the two guys to settle things ...


    Any more would be too much of a spoiler, but suffice it to say that the result is pretty unpleasant.

    I have to say that this is just one of the sloppiest scripts ever written.

    In addition to the 15-20 minutes of improvised, repetitive, and generally irrelevant crap, the main plot doesn't make a lot of sense either. The old guy walks into Neve's beautiful Manhattan apartment and he never stops to think, "shit, this woman has more money than I do!". He then proceeds to insult her by offering her a million dollars for her favors. Yes, she was insulted, but how could he not see this coming? This exact same premise made some sense in Adrian Lyne's Indecent Proposal, because the young couple in that film really needed the money when Bob Redford offered a million for a night with the wife, and the woman was therefore willing to do it for both of them. But the Neve Campbell character in this film doesn't need the money, and that fact is so immediately obvious that the rich Italian guy should immediately realize it, but doesn't.

    I didn't much "get" one of the introductory scenes, either. Neve Campbell is being interviewed by a Columbia professor who is looking for an assistant. So ... Neve can afford to live by herself in a fabulous multi-million dollar home, and appears to be pursuing some kind of an art career, but she also wants to work in what is essentially an unrewarding low wage job? Huh? The annual salary from that job, after taxes, would be just about enough to cover her mortgage payment for a week. And it's not like she'd be an apprentice to the new Picasso. This guy is not an art teacher, but a professor of African-American studies. So why does she want this job?

    What is the deal with this movie?

    Writer/director James Toback wanted to present his usual sociological explorations in the form of a muted thriller, but he really doesn't know how to write a thriller. He doesn't know how to direct one either. The big violent scene is completely unconvincing, and the pacing is best described as "rambling." The sound mixing is outrageously uneven. This film is just a big mess, and must have the most soporific female masturbation scene since The Sailor Who Fell From Grace With The Sea. In fact, the two films are strong contenders for the honor of the all-time most boring erotic film.

    There are some positives:

    • The scene between Neve and the old geezer is actually pretty effective. The dialogue appears to be more polished and scripted than the rest of the film, or perhaps Dominic Chianese, as the rich Italian, is just better than the other actors at handling improv.

    • Neve herself is fairly solid in the lead role. She is not an actress with a big vocal range, but here she makes good use of her flat, expressionless voice and her generally impassive face to create a character which, while unpleasant, is consistent and reasonably credible. The advantage of her stoic personality is that a small change of expression at the right time can convey a lot, and she uses that to her advantage, especially in the film's final frames.

    • Neve certainly broke down on her former anti-nudity stance. It is an erotic role. She showers on camera, and finishes that shower by masturbating with the shower head device. She also does a lesbian scene behind a gauze curtain, and a sex scene with a guy, although neither of those scenes has any significant nudity.

    It isn't worth driving out of your way to rent When Will I Be Loved?, but the film may have some appeal to you as a curiosity item and, even though it is fundamentally boring, you can't really get all that bored in 73 minutes.

    Roger Ebert gave it four stars so, even though nobody else liked it that much, the film is obviously not totally lacking in appeal.

    • Neve Campbell (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

    • some other tootsies (1, 2)


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    Scoop - we have to get some of the guys looking at HBO's "Entourage."  I know that it has been out for a while, but my TiVo discovered it during its reruns.  I love the show, and it has a lot of eye candy, although little nudity.  I just wondered if any has capped an actress named Beau Garrett.  She played the love interest of the main character for one episode (she looked incredible in her yoga gear, and showed a naked backside while skinny dipping).


    Here are a couple of Beau Garrett baring a bit of bum on "Entourage" from the archives.

    • Beau Garrett (1, 2)



    Here are the latest movie reviews available at


    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words, pictures, and vids from ICMS

    "Last Tango in Paris" (1972), part 3

    Here are more of the most revealing parts from "Last Tango in Paris" featuring Maria Schneider and Marlon Brando. Today we've got clips 8-10 out of 10. The first seven can be found in the last two days' editions.

    This Week's Poll
    It was pretty clear who will be taking the victory lap for Best Nude Debut, the 80's. So I went ahead and closed the polling.

    Here are the final results.

    Look for our poll wrap up comments in the days ahead.

    In the mean time, let's move to the 90's!

    For our next poll we're looking for the best film as well as screen nudity debut (both in the same film) by an actress between 1990-1999.

    Email Scoopy Jr. with your nominees.

    Jenna Elfman
    (1, 2)

    The former "Dharma & Greg" star looking very sexy in scenes from the mad for cable movie "Obsessed" (2002). In #1 we see some arms over boobs partial exposure and a nekkid silhouette behind a shower door. In #2 we see Elfman in black undies.

    Jennifer Jason Leigh Topless in scenes from "Death Ride to Osaka" (1983).

    Ann Jillian
    (1, 2, 3)

    Showing a whole lot of leg in more scenes from "Death Ride to Osaka"

    Jo Johnston Baring breasts and bum in scenes from her one and only IMDb film credit, 1974's "The Swinging Cheerleaders".

    Rosanne Katon The former Heffer (September '78) topless in more scenes from "The Swinging Cheerleaders". Later in her film career, she had small roles in 80's classics like "Motel Hell", "Zapped!" and "Bachelor Party".

    Cheryl Rainbeaux Smith The busty 70's B-movie favorite also going topless in scenes from "The Swinging Cheerleaders".

    Milla Jovovich The "Zoolander" and "Fifth Element" star showing just a hint of pubes in scenes from the first "Resident Evil" movie.

    Dedee Pfeiffer If the Preiffers were like the Baldwins, I guess Dedee would be the Stephen to Michelle's Alec. Here she is showing some partial breast views in scenes from a Season One episode of the excellent HBO series from the 90's "Dream On".

    Kate Winslet The "Titanic" star showing off her undies in scenes from one of best movies of 2004, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind".

    Angie Cepeda
    (1, 2)

    The Columbian actress showing off robo-hooters and thong views in scenes from "Pantaleón y las visitadoras" aka "Captain Pantoja and the Special Services" (2000). Click here to read Scoop and Tuna's reviews of the most successful film in Peruvian cinema history.

    Charlotte Alexandra
    (1, 2, 3

    Baring breasts, bum and showing close up gyno-views in scenes from the French film "Une vraie jeune fille" aka "A Real Young Girl" (1976).

    Jennifer Beals
    (1, 2, 3)
    Daniela Poggi

    A great find by Flautista! "The L Word" star Beals giving up some very rare toplessness in scenes from the Euro-produced "Docteur M." (1990) Apparently this flick only saw limited theatrical release in Germany. However, if you look really hard, you may be able to find it on VHS under the title "Club Extinction".

    Italian actress Daniela Poggi also appears topless in a shower scene.

    Elisha Cuthbert
    (1, 2, 3)

    The über-cute Canadian actress looking very sexy in scenes from the 2004 teen comedy, "The Girl Next Door". Look for her this summer in the Horror/Thriller "House of Wax" (a remake of the 1953 Vincent Price movie). By the way, the movie co-stars Paris Hilton in a non-cameo role. I guess the acting thing is "hot".

    Valeska Hanel
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

    Señor Skin 'caps featuring Hanel in several scenes from the German movie "Just Married" (1998).

    Mail Bag
    Subject: Last name or pics

    On the CBS show Amazing Race there is a couple named Jonathan and Victoria. Apparently, she has posed for the Heff mag. I’m not sure if it was as a playmate, or just in a special editions type role. Anyway, I cannot find out her last name to look her up. Can anyone help ID her? Thanks a lot.


    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Coin-Operated? - Britain's Sun tabloid reports that scientists at Rambam Hospital in Haifa, Israel, have invented a machine that measures how horny you are. The "hornometer" monitors electrical activity in the brain while a subject watches both erotic and non-sexy videos. A computer analyzes the responses to various images and measures the strength of the subject's libido.

  • It discovered that men got the most turned on during the pizza commercials.
  • The porn videos starred Ron Jeremy, so the women registered no libido whatsoever.
  • There's already a machine that measures how horny you are: it's that Pay-Per-View box on top of hotel TV sets.

    Coming To NBC: "Turf War!" - When Martha Stewart gets out of prison, she might become the boss on a second edition of "The Apprentice." Donald Trump said Martha's his friend and it's wonderful if she wants to do that, but he's heard that NBC would rather create a unique reality show just for Martha.

  • But there's already been a show called "The Prisoner."
  • If the show is about Martha's employees, it should be called "Survivor."
  • Martha should be on a spinoff of "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!"