Kama Sutra (2000) -- continuing where we left off last night, tonight's episode is entitled Love Quarrels. We open with a couple having energetic sex after an argument. The camera pulls back to reveal that this is a set, and they are filming episodes of Kama Sutra. Then the male lead's girlfriend, Gabriella Hall, shows up, and is not amused that her guy was just screwing Tawny Garrison. Tamara Landry gives the two a little counseling, and everybody lives happily ever after.
Again, this is clearly "couples erotica," as the women are always right, most of the sex is cowgirl position, and there hasn't been a single blow job yet. Garrison shows everything in three scenes, and Hall shows breasts, buns, and pubic patch. All of the sex seemed pretty much the same, and the plot was weak even by genre standards and entirely predictable. C-.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
When Will I Be Loved?
A few preliminary notes:.
From the end of the opening credits to the start of the closing
credits, it runs 73 minutes.
Out of that 73 minutes, about 15-20 minutes consists of material
completely extraneous to the central plot. There are many
time-killing cameos and improvised ramblings, but I'll cite only one
detailed example: the female lead (Neve Campbell) meets Lori Singer
in Central Park. The dialogue consists of such incisive questions as
"aren't you Lori Singer?" and "is that your boyfriend?". The
conversation seemed to be improvised. (It has that familiar
unentertaining quality of actors not knowing what to say.) Our
heroine also asked Singer, "are you still in show business?" OK, I
was wondering the same thing myself, so it was realistic for the
character to ask that, but what surprised me was the affirmative
answer. At that point, I was thinking "so if you are still acting,
why hasn't anybody seen you doing it in about a decade?" If she had
said, "no, I quit to do charitable work and concentrate on my cello
playing", I would have understood, but to just flat out admit that
she was still trying, and unable to get any role anyone would have
noticed .... ? Why did Singer agree to participate in this
Anyway, that killed a bunch of time with no constructive purpose, as
did several other largely improvised (and sometimes badly acted)
The central plot of the movie is this: our heroine is a rich girl
living of her parents' money in Manhattan. Her boyfriend is a street
hustler who does a bit of pimping. A rich and famous old Italian man
sees the couple kissing, and is approached by the hustler with
various propositions. The old Italian geezer says, more or less,
"Sorry, not interested, but I want to fuck your girlfriend."
The hustler sets it all up. The Italian man shows up with a check
for $100,000. The girlfriend says, "don't insult me, come back when
you have a more interesting offer." The old coot comes back with his
dick in one hand and four shopping bags full of money in the other -
a million dollars in cash altogether. The girlfriend sleeps with him
and takes the money to the bank.
Now here's the twist. The girlfriend has been stringing both men
along. She resents being sold by her boyfriend - and being
undervalued by a multiple of ten to boot! She also resents another
man thinking he can buy her. So when the boyfriend comes by for his
commission on the sale, she says that the ancient fella had his way
with her, but refused to pay her a penny. That leaves the two guys
to settle things ...
Any more would be too much of a spoiler, but suffice it to say that
the result is pretty unpleasant.
I have to say that this is just one of the sloppiest scripts ever
In addition to the 15-20 minutes of improvised, repetitive, and
generally irrelevant crap, the main plot doesn't make a lot of sense
either. The old guy walks into Neve's beautiful Manhattan apartment
and he never stops to think, "shit, this woman has more money than I
do!". He then proceeds to insult her by offering her a million
dollars for her favors. Yes, she was insulted, but how could he not
see this coming? This exact same premise made some sense in Adrian
Lyne's Indecent Proposal, because the young couple in that film
really needed the money when Bob Redford offered a million for a
night with the wife, and the woman was therefore willing to do it
for both of them. But the Neve Campbell character in this film
doesn't need the money, and that fact is so immediately obvious that
the rich Italian guy should immediately realize it, but doesn't.
I didn't much "get" one of the introductory scenes, either. Neve
Campbell is being interviewed by a Columbia professor who is looking
for an assistant. So ... Neve can afford to live by herself in a
fabulous multi-million dollar home, and appears to be pursuing some
kind of an art career, but she also wants to work in what is
essentially an unrewarding low wage job? Huh? The annual
salary from that job, after taxes, would be just about enough to
cover her mortgage payment for a week. And it's not like
she'd be an apprentice to the new Picasso. This guy is not an art
teacher, but a professor of African-American studies. So why does
she want this job?
What is the deal with this movie?
Writer/director James Toback wanted to present his usual
sociological explorations in the form of a muted thriller, but he
really doesn't know how to write a thriller. He doesn't know how to
direct one either. The big violent scene is completely unconvincing,
and the pacing is best described as "rambling." The sound mixing is
outrageously uneven. This film is just a big mess, and must have the
most soporific female masturbation scene since The Sailor Who Fell
From Grace With The Sea. In fact, the two films are strong
contenders for the honor of the all-time most boring erotic film.
There are some positives:
The scene between Neve and the old geezer is actually pretty
effective. The dialogue appears to be more polished and scripted
than the rest of the film, or perhaps Dominic Chianese, as the rich
Italian, is just better than the other actors at handling improv.
Neve herself is fairly solid in the lead role. She is not an actress
with a big vocal range, but here she makes good use of her flat,
expressionless voice and her generally impassive face to create a
character which, while unpleasant, is consistent and reasonably
credible. The advantage of her stoic personality is that a small
change of expression at the right time can convey a lot, and she
uses that to her advantage, especially in the film's final frames.
Neve certainly broke down on her former anti-nudity stance. It is an
erotic role. She showers on camera, and finishes that shower by
masturbating with the shower head device. She also does a lesbian
scene behind a gauze curtain, and a sex scene with a guy, although
neither of those scenes has any significant nudity.
It isn't worth driving out of your way to rent When Will I Be
Loved?, but the film may have some appeal to you as a curiosity item
and, even though it is fundamentally boring, you can't really get
all that bored in 73 minutes.
Roger Ebert gave it four stars so, even though nobody else liked it
that much, the film is obviously not totally lacking in appeal.
Neve Campbell (1,
some other tootsies (1,
- My kind of Zoroastrianism:
Hasselhoff, bin Laden, to battle for the souls of mankind.
Weekly World News is always off the wall, but this ain't even near
the wall. The Messiah "is a tall, statuesque man whose looks are a
beautiful blend between Baywatch star David Hasselhoff and
American Idol runner-up Jason Guarini."
Fort Wayne, Indiana is revealed to be the dumbest place in
America. Luckily, the story has only appeared in print,
so they don't know about it yet. Corpus Christi, Texas finished in
the #2 spot.
- From the "awwwwwwwwwwwwww" department.
A black bear with a white cub.
Complete Transcript: Inaugural Address by President George W. Bush
A retired homicide detective told a court on Thursday that actor
Robert Blake asked him to help kidnap or kill Bonnie Lee Bakley.
Golden Gate officials angry with suicide director. The
filmmaker defends his work as a study of the human spirit in
BARBARA BOXER VICTIM OF MYSTERIOUS BITCH-SLAPPING.
Perpetrator's Identity Baffles Authorities
Iluential conservative Christian groups are turning their
attention to a new target: the cartoon character SpongeBob
SquarePants. In a related story, influential Christian
groups have WAY too much time on their hands
As independent filmmakers descended on the Sundance Film Festival,
the big buzz was over the fate of Miramax Films and its combative
co-chief executives, Bob and Harvey Weinstein. Miramax
has been the kingmaker at Sundance, and the greatest economic
engine driving the independent film movement. The Weinsteins are
expected to leave Miramax to Disney and form a new company.
The first pictures from John Woo's Spyhunter are hilariously
inept! Is this a hoax? Why would they release these?
The first one is a total yawn, and the second one looks like
puppet action from Team America: World Police.
One source said Dennis Hopper canceled his trip to Washington when
he was 'uninvited' from the official presidential party after
'religious groups complained about his ... history.
Hell, Hopper doesn't remember that, why should they?
Here's the trailer for Woody Allen's new film, Melinda and Melinda
Simon Cowell tells Esquire, "I find the whole Beyonce thing really
mystifying. She's not sexy, she hasn't got a great body and she's
not a great singer." Yes, Simon, true enough, but us
straight guys can see some things that might not be evident to
Judge Allows Michael Jackson To Speak On TV Regarding Allegations.
The judge also ruled that Jacko will be allowed to go to Home
Depot and buy as much rope as he needs.
- Yawn -
Paris Hilton update.
Dave Barry is all over the exclusive Trump coverage with an
exclusive look at the exclusive wedding dress. "The
dress cost $18 billion, and upon its completion, to ensure that it
remains exclusive, the dressmaker was killed with a hatchet."
Sophie Marceau will play gifted French cryptologist Sophie Neveu
in Columbia Pictures' The Da Vinci Code.
- "Pimp my sail barge" department.
Hutt Wheels - apparently Jabba's ride can be quite the chick
Humorist Dave Barry offers an exclusive Donald Trump wedding
update. "The cake is currently under heavy guard;
already, two Access Hollyywood helicopters have been shot down by
Jim Wallis, author of 'God's Politics' talks to Jon Stewart about
About a gazillion hardcore pictures of Thereza Brettschneiderova,
one of the "Happy Djus" girls from one of our favorite guilty
pleasure movies, Eurotrip. (Note: I'm guessing you better rev up
the firewalls and pop-up blockers to "industrial strength" before
dropping in to this page. I didn't experience any problems, but it
just looks like "one of those." The pics, however, are real and
You can't buy love, but you can, as it turns out, buy
pretentiousness.: A billion dollars was offered for
Andrew Lloyd Webber's entertainment empire. "Lloyd Webber's wholly
owned Really Useful Group, founded in 1977, is a global
entertainment group which stages musicals worldwide, recently
released the feature film 'The Phantom of the Opera' and has
rights to the composer's songs and shows."
Deborah Gibson in the Hefmag? : "Deborah Gibson has
sold out, and decided to pose for Playboy magazine... yes, that
means there will be real nude photographs of Deborah. As a
protest, this website will be taken down. The when and how and for
how long I do not know because I have not decided (I may even dump
the site completely). This is the only way I can protest about
this terrible decision of Deborah's."
- He'll be back - in court.
Schwarzenegger fails to halt British libel case over grope claims.
The hottest baseball wife pitches her own series
The Catholic Church in Spain has said it supports the use of
condoms to prevent the spread of AIDS. (The Spanish
Bishops are acting in contradiction to the Vatican's position.)
Michael Moore's bodyguard was arrested for carrying an unlicensed
weapon in New York's JFK airport Wednesday night. Whoa!
I guess the dumpy director was right about that whole wacky
"culture of guns" thing.
Within a year, the U.S. Air Force could start operating aircraft
in 'near space,' the airspace above 65,000 feet but below an outer
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA's two-hour programming block delivered the
Sci Fi Channel's best ratings ever for a January program.
The Daily Record claims - Beer can prevent cancer!
Brrrr! There could be snow at both NFL conference championship
games in Pennsylvania.
Scientists find natural mosquito repellent in human body chemistry.
The trailer for The Cave
- "Deep in the Romanian forest, a team of scientists stumbles
upon the ruins of a 13th century Abbey. On further inspection,
they make a startling discovery - the Abbey is built over the
entrance to a giant underground cave system. Local biologists
belive the cave could be home to an undiscovered eco-system, so
they hire a group of American cave-explorers to help them
investigate its depths. Jack (Cole Hauser) and his brother Tyler
(Eddie Cibrian) are thrill-seeking professional cave explorers
who run a team of the top divers in the world. They arrive in
Romania with all the latest equipment, including a new type of
scuba tank allowing a diver to remain submerged for up to 24
hours. The crack unit, which also includes Charlie (Piper Perabo)
and Buchanan (Morris Chestnut), immediately begin their
exploration. But what they find deep inside the caves is not
just a new eco-system, but an entirely new species
Stephen Fry has joined the cast of the film adaptation of The
Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. "Fry will provide the
voice of The Guide, an electronic book which accompanies the
story's hero Arthur Dent on his travels around the galaxy. Martin
Freeman, John Malkovich, Bill Nighy and Alan Rickman are
co-starring in the film, due for release in May."
- Is Bush loosening up his rigid attitude toward homosexuals?
Prez. kicks off inauguration festivities with Black Tie and Boots:
A Tribute to the Gay Cowboy. Will The Village People
Five clips from Hide and Seek
CHENEY TO BECOME HUMAN BILLBOARD AT INAUGURAL. "To
cover the escalating costs of this Thursday's inauguration of
President George W. Bush, major corporations are lining up to buy
ad space on the side of Vice President Dick Cheney, the White
House announced today."
Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for Other Crap
Scoop - we have to get some of the guys looking at HBO's
"Entourage." I know that it has been out for a while, but my TiVo discovered
it during its reruns. I love the show, and it has a lot of eye
candy, although little nudity. I just wondered if any has capped
an actress named Beau Garrett. She played the love interest of
the main character for one episode (she looked incredible in her
yoga gear, and showed a naked backside while skinny dipping).
Here are a couple of Beau Garrett baring a bit of bum on "Entourage" from the archives.
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Words, pictures, and vids from
"Last Tango in Paris" (1972),
Here are more of the most revealing parts from "Last Tango in
Paris" featuring Maria Schneider and Marlon Brando. Today
we've got clips 8-10 out of 10. The first seven can be
the last two days' editions.
|This Week's Poll
It was pretty clear who will be taking the victory lap for Best Nude Debut, the 80's. So I went ahead and closed the polling.
Here are the final results.
Look for our poll wrap up comments in the days ahead.
In the mean time, let's move to the 90's!
For our next poll we're looking for the best film as well as screen nudity debut (both in the same film) by an actress between 1990-1999.
Email Scoopy Jr. with your nominees.
|The former "Dharma & Greg" star looking very sexy in scenes from the mad for cable movie "Obsessed" (2002). In #1 we see some arms over boobs partial exposure and a nekkid silhouette behind a shower door. In #2 we see Elfman in black undies.
|Jennifer Jason Leigh
||Topless in scenes from "Death Ride to Osaka" (1983).
|Showing a whole lot of leg in more scenes from "Death Ride to Osaka"
||Baring breasts and bum in scenes from her one and only IMDb film credit, 1974's "The Swinging Cheerleaders".
||The former Heffer (September '78) topless in more scenes from "The Swinging Cheerleaders". Later in her film career, she had small roles in 80's classics like "Motel Hell", "Zapped!" and "Bachelor Party".
|Cheryl Rainbeaux Smith
||The busty 70's B-movie favorite also going topless in scenes from "The Swinging Cheerleaders".
||The "Zoolander" and "Fifth Element" star showing just a hint of pubes in scenes from the first "Resident Evil" movie.
||If the Preiffers were like the Baldwins, I guess Dedee would be the Stephen to Michelle's Alec. Here she is showing some partial breast views in scenes from a Season One episode of the excellent HBO series from the 90's "Dream On".
||The "Titanic" star showing off her undies in scenes from one of best movies of 2004, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind".
|The Columbian actress showing off robo-hooters and thong views in scenes from "Pantaleón y las visitadoras" aka "Captain Pantoja and the Special Services" (2000). Click here to read Scoop and Tuna's reviews of the most successful film in Peruvian cinema history.
|Baring breasts, bum and showing close up gyno-views in scenes from the French film "Une vraie jeune fille" aka "A Real Young Girl" (1976).
|A great find by Flautista! "The L Word" star Beals giving up some very rare toplessness in scenes from the Euro-produced "Docteur M." (1990) Apparently this flick only saw limited theatrical release in Germany. However, if you look really hard, you may be able to find it on VHS under the title "Club Extinction".
Italian actress Daniela Poggi also appears topless in a shower scene.
|The über-cute Canadian actress looking very sexy in scenes from the 2004 teen comedy, "The Girl Next Door". Look for her this summer in the Horror/Thriller "House of Wax" (a remake of the 1953 Vincent Price movie). By the way, the movie co-stars Paris Hilton in a non-cameo role. I guess the acting thing is "hot".
|Señor Skin 'caps featuring Hanel in several scenes from the German movie "Just Married" (1998).
Subject: Last name or pics
On the CBS show Amazing Race there is a couple named Jonathan and Victoria. Apparently, she has posed for the Heff mag. I’m not sure if it was as a playmate, or just in a special editions type role. Anyway, I cannot find out her last name to look her up. Can anyone help ID her? Thanks a lot.
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
MACHINE MEASURES HORNINESS
Coin-Operated? - Britain's Sun tabloid reports that scientists at Rambam
Hospital in Haifa, Israel, have invented a machine that measures how horny
you are. The "hornometer" monitors electrical activity in the brain while
a subject watches both erotic and non-sexy videos. A computer analyzes the
responses to various images and measures the strength of the subject's
It discovered that men got the most turned on during the pizza
The porn videos starred Ron Jeremy, so the women registered no libido
There's already a machine that measures how horny you are: it's that
Pay-Per-View box on top of hotel TV sets.
MARTHA TO BE NEXT TRUMP?
Coming To NBC: "Turf War!" - When Martha Stewart gets out of prison, she
might become the boss on a second edition of "The Apprentice." Donald
Trump said Martha's his friend and it's wonderful if she wants to do that,
but he's heard that NBC would rather create a unique reality show just for
But there's already been a show called "The Prisoner."
If the show is about Martha's employees, it should be called "Survivor."
Martha should be on a spinoff of "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!"