Uncle Scoopy's Fun House

Anyway, that killed a bunch of time with no constructive purpose, as did several other largely improvised (and sometimes badly acted) encounters.

The central plot of the movie is this: our heroine is a rich girl living of her parents' money in Manhattan. Her boyfriend is a street hustler who does a bit of pimping. A rich and famous old Italian man sees the couple kissing, and is approached by the hustler with various propositions. The old Italian geezer says, more or less, "Sorry, not interested, but I want to fuck your girlfriend." The hustler sets it all up. The Italian man shows up with a check for $100,000. The girlfriend says, "don't insult me, come back when you have a more interesting offer." The old coot comes back with his dick in one hand and four shopping bags full of money in the other - a million dollars in cash altogether. The girlfriend sleeps with him and takes the money to the bank.

Now here's the twist. The girlfriend has been stringing both men along. She resents being sold by her boyfriend - and being undervalued by a multiple of ten to boot! She also resents another man thinking he can buy her. So when the boyfriend comes by for his commission on the sale, she says that the ancient fella had his way with her, but refused to pay her a penny. That leaves the two guys to settle things ...

Any more would be too much of a spoiler, but suffice it to say that the result is pretty unpleasant.

In addition to the 15-20 minutes of improvised, repetitive, and generally irrelevant crap, the main plot doesn't make a lot of sense either. The old guy walks into Neve's beautiful Manhattan apartment and he never stops to think, "shit, this woman has more money than I do!". He then proceeds to insult her by offering her a million dollars for her favors. Yes, she was insulted, but how could he not see this coming? This exact same premise made some sense in Adrian Lyne's Indecent Proposal, because the young couple in that film really needed the money when Bob Redford offered a million for a night with the wife, and the woman was therefore willing to do it for both of them. But the Neve Campbell character in this film doesn't need the money, and that fact is so immediately obvious that the rich Italian guy should immediately realize it, but doesn't.

I didn't much "get" one of the introductory scenes, either. Neve Campbell is being interviewed by a Columbia professor who is looking for an assistant. So ... Neve can afford to live by herself in a fabulous multi-million dollar home, and appears to be pursuing some kind of an art career, but she also wants to work in what is essentially an unrewarding low wage job? Huh? The annual salary from that job, after taxes, would be just about enough to cover her mortgage payment for a week. And it's not like she'd be an apprentice to the new Picasso. This guy is not an art teacher, but a professor of African-American studies. So why does she want this job?

Writer/director James Toback wanted to present his usual sociological explorations in the form of a muted thriller, but he really doesn't know how to write a thriller. He doesn't know how to direct one either. The big violent scene is completely unconvincing, and the pacing is best described as "rambling." The sound mixing is outrageously uneven. This film is just a big mess, and must have the most soporific female masturbation scene since The Sailor Who Fell From Grace With The Sea. In fact, the two films are strong contenders for the honor of the all-time most boring erotic film.

It isn't worth driving out of your way to rent When Will I Be Loved?, but the film may have some appeal to you as a curiosity item and, even though it is fundamentally boring, you can't really get all that bored in 73 minutes.

Roger Ebert gave it four stars so, even though nobody else liked it that much, the film is obviously not totally lacking in appeal.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Scoop - we have to get some of the guys looking at HBO's "Entourage." I know that it has been out for a while, but my TiVo discovered it during its reruns. I love the show, and it has a lot of eye candy, although little nudity. I just wondered if any has capped an actress named Beau Garrett. She played the love interest of the main character for one episode (she looked incredible in her yoga gear, and showed a naked backside while skinny dipping).

Here are a couple of Beau Garrett baring a bit of bum on "Entourage" from the archives.