Phoebe Cates and Willie Aames play two young teens who are on a
caravan between Baghdad and Damascus in the early 19th century. The
caravan is attacked by marauders, and the two teens end up as the
only survivors. Their escape does not please the Evil Arab
Ransacking Dude, because he is a white slaver, and the main reason
he attacked the caravan was to get Phoebe Cates in the first place.
Of course, before he sells her, he plans to ... well, you
The two teens miraculously live through their solo
trek in the desert, and they eventually settle down and build
magnificent living quarters out of palm fronds and dates. Evil Arab
Ransacking Dude pursues them, and captures Cates, but Aames rescues
her, and they run off to create an even more impressive camp out of
sand and coconuts. This time they settle on the coast of the
Mediterranean, which is no simple matter when one considers the
precise route from Baghdad to Damascus. They learn about sex, they
adopt a family of chimps, they encounter the Evil Arab Ransacking
Dude again, and ...
Oh, who am I kidding? There is really only one reason
for this film to exist - Phoebe Cates gets naked constantly. She
showers naked under several different waterfalls, walks naked around
their deluxe hut, swims naked near colorful coral reefs, bathes
naked in lagoons, wades naked in the Mediterranean, has sex with
Willie Aames ...
I guess some of you may also enjoy looking at Willie
Aames naked. I know when I used to watch Aames and Van Patten in Eight is Enough, I'd think
to myself, I gotta see willie and dick, if you catch my drift, but that was a deeply
troubled time in my life. Strangely enough, my dream has been
deferred once more, since Willie's willie has been digitally blurred
in every scene on the Asian DVD I watched. IMDb says that this was
simply done in the DVD mastering process.
Phoebe Cates certainly made an interesting, unique
contribution to cinema nudity. Basically, she spent the entire year
of 1982 naked (this film plus Fast Times at Ridgemont High), and
then kept her clothes on for the rest of her career, which was only
about a dozen years. Then she retired to raise a family, and hasn't
really been seen on screen with or without clothing for a decade. So her
entire collection of nude scenes was packed into a single year. But
what a year! It is possible to argue that her nudity in this film is
the all-time summit of celebrity nudity in film. She was 19 years
old and as cute as
a button, she looked even younger and
sufficiently virginal to fulfill any man's schoolgirl fantasies (no
wonder this film went to DVD in Japan before any other country!),
her body was flawless and natural, and there was no tease. She
showed everything again and again.
There is one other positive feature of this film: the
locations and cinematography are interesting. The director found
some beautiful locations in the desert, and the cinematographer did
a great job on photographing them, as he did on photographing Phoebe.
The rest of the film? Well, the story is ridiculous
and maudlin, and their co-stars are a family of chimps. The acting is terrible.
The Arab guys are one-dimensional villains. Phoebe herself is simply not that good, but she seems like Siobhan
McKenna compared to Willie Aames. Come to think of it, the chimps
seemed like the Royal Shakespeare Company compared to Willie Aames.
I notice that the distinguished thespian basically moved to Portland
and packed up his entertainment career in 1986 or 87, except for a
couple of Eight is Enough Reunion shows.
In 1999, he made a bit of a showbiz comeback by
writing and directing and starring in Bible Man, "a Christian video
series designed for children ages 3-9," who are presumably too young
to criticize his acting. That series of videos then expanded into a Bibleman road show, which Aames starred in until 2003, when he
announced that he would be stepping down from the part of Bibleman
in the touring production in order to "spend more time with his
family." I thought that meant "in his parents' basement," but IMDB
has established that Aames and his second wife now live somewhere
in rural Kansas.
Five film clips of Phoebe Cates:
(All are zipped .wmvs)
- Phoebe tiptoes through the hut at night stark naked, intent
on getting a peek at Willie's willie.
- Phoebe showers under a waterfall.
- Phoebe bathes at night in a tropical pool.
- Phoebe splashes around in the surf, then swims. The camera
moves underwater for her swimming scene. If this scene had been
filmed in the noonday sun, I would have no trouble declaring it
the greatest nudity in the history of film. Unfortunately, it
wasn't. 24 meg.
- Phoebe and Aames swim around a coral reef in daylight.
Enemies, A Love Story (1989):
This movie is all but forgotten now, although it had three
Oscar nominations in 1989 and even got some Best Picture buzz
after Paul Mazursky was named Best Director of the year by the New
York Film Critics.
Indeed, it's possible to construct an argument that Enemies:
a Love Story should have won the Best Picture Oscar in 1989 because it is not
at all unreasonable to say that it is a better film than the winner!
Of course, the argument is a false one because even if you agree that
Enemies is a better film than Driving Miss Daisy (debatable), it's impossible to
argue that Driving Miss Daisy was really a deserving winner. Driving
Miss Daisy may not be the worst film ever to win an Oscar, but then
again it may be. It is certainly among the worst. (Here
are my thoughts on that topic.)
1989 was one of those crazy years when the Academy got
just about everything wrong with their award nominations. They nominated
the wrong films, and from that diluted selection picked one of the weaker
There are currently nine other major 1989 films rated
higher than Driving Miss Daisy. Five of them are rated higher than ALL
of the Oscar nominees. In other words, it is very reasonable to argue
that NONE of the Oscar nominees belonged on the list in hindsight.
Certainly Glory and Henry V and Do the Right Thing should have been on
the list of nominees, replacing Driving Miss Daisy, Field of Dreams, and
Fourth of July. You could debate endlessly about the remaining two
choices, because there are several to choose from, including the two
Enemies really isn't a legitimate candidate to be the
best film of that year, but it is a very good film, of the type that the
critics would call "carefully observed," with rich period details,
clever but unobtrusive literary constructs, and fully developed
characters. Many people had it on their Best Picture short list for an
Oscar nomination, and it was nominated for a "best adapted screenplay"
Oscar. Writer/director/actor Paul Mazursky actually received the New
York Film critics award as the best director of 1989!
Tuna reviewed this some time ago, and said the
"Enemies: A Love Story (1989) is a character-driven drama about Holocaust survivors in post WW II New York, or
character-driven comedy about a guy with three wives. It's
Herman (Ron Silver) is a Polish Jew who survived the
war because their Catholic servant Yadwige (Margaret Sophie Stein) hid
him in a barn. His wife Tamara (Anjelica Huston) was not so lucky, and
was captured. When Herman heard of his wife's execution, he married his
former servant out of a sense of obligation and
brought her to live in Coney Island, where she dotes on him as if she
were still his servant. Since his servant/wife reminds him of things he would rather
forget, and seems to be a simple-minded peasant, he finds the passion in his life
with Masha (Lena Olin), a concentration camp
survivor. About the time Masha starts making noises about a wedding,
first wife comes back from the dead. It seems the German bullets didn't actually kill her,
feigned death, then sneaked out of a pile of corpses and escaped to Russia.
Spineless Herman therefore finds himself with three
wives. Not surprisingly, he is an unhappy man. In order to find
happiness with any of them, he would have to make some kind of a
commitment, and he is not capable of that.
While performances from all four leads were outstanding, and this
would generally be my kind of film, I couldn't really care for any of
the major characters. Tamara was hardened and didn't really need anyone; Masha was conniving and self-serving; Yadwige was a doting, whining
non-entity; and Herman was a spineless wimp. Only Alan King, as a
sleazy rabbi, played a strong person."
I agree with Tuna's assessment of the four main
characters in Enemies. It is not really possible to relate to any of them for
the reasons he stated above. And yet the film works for me, even though
it did not for Tuna, because I can
easily identify with the plight of the trigamist. He thought his first
wife had been killed by the Nazis, so he married the brave,
simple-minded peasant girl who hid him from the Nazis and fed him for
three years, while enduring physical hardships of her own to do so. He
owed her everything, and he paid his debt fairly, resolving to care for her
forever. And it wasn't such a bad deal. She was a sweet, warm and
grateful person, and somewhat attractive, if unglamorous. She even became a Jew for
him - a better Jew than he was!
... so if I had been in his shoes, I would have
done the same thing and married her.
was a problem. She wasn't merely unsophisticated. She was so dumb that
she couldn't even put her shoes on the correct feet.
... so I guess if I had been in her shoes, I would
have been walking kinda funny.
He was an educated man who was curious about the
world, so he sought a sophisticated woman as a mistress because he
wanted the combination of mental and physical companionship.
... so if I had been in his shoes, I would have done
the same thing.
And then it turned out that his European wife survived
the Nazi firing squad. He had no control over that, or over the fact
that she found him seven years later. Something like that could have
happened to any one of us who lived in those days, given the insanity of
So what was he to do? The film places us in the
situation, gets us thinking about what is right, and gets us curious
about how Herman will escape his dilemma (trilemma?). I absolutely got
involved in that, even though Ron Silver, as always, played the part as
if he needed to be bitch-slapped. Silver's on-screen persona must rival
James Spader's as the one who most deserves to be beaten severely about the head
The film has a strange ending, but it is
appropriate, if unsatisfying. When Herman will not commit to run
away with the glamorous intellectual mistress because he can't
abandon the peasant girl, the sexy mistress descends into mental
illness and commits suicide. The peasant girl gets pregnant, and
Herman deserts her. This would be heartbreaking, because she seems
like the best human being in the film, and doesn't seem capable of
taking care of herself, let alone her baby, but the commanding
wife from Poland turns out to be tough and stalwart. The peasant
girl had also been her servant back in Poland as well as Herman's,
so they simply resume their old roles and raise the baby together.
And Herman? He simply disappears. Even though this is his story
and the entire film is seen through his eyes until the last five
minutes, when the curtain finally falls nobody even knows where he
is. He is absent from his own life story. That seems like sloppy
writing until one considers it fully and realizes that it is only
fitting because in a way he had really always been absent from his
Here is a film clip of Lena
(Zipped .wmv, 27 meg). Director Paul Mazursky was pleasuring
himself over the fact that he shot it all in real time with a
single camera. This is the kind of crap that directors say to
impress other directors. Sokurov made a two-hour film a couple of
years ago with one camera in one continuous shot, requiring only a
single take. Who the fuck cares? The rest of us only care about
the result, not the process. If it works, fine. Sometimes I'm
curious about how they pulled something off, but I'm not more
impressed by a single continuous shot than I am by a scene with
two or three edits, just as I'm not more impressed with one of
Tony Scott's crazy sequences with dozens of splices within a short
time. If the edits tell the story better and more economically,
then use the edits. If not, then not. A director who deliberately
shoots a continuous pan just for the sake of doing so is just
doing it for other directors. And if he brags about it in the
commentary, you can be glad there is no video of him, because you
just know he's masturbating.
Here are the Olin captures:
It's August 15th, and you're on notice!
Dewey, you bastard. When I
was a boy, I had my whole life planned out, and
then I found out somebody had already numbered all
the books, and I had to make a whole new plan.
Boo-Boo Bear. Sure, Yogi's little friend is all humble and polite and talks in the Joe Lieberman voice, but all of that can't hide one thing - he's a godless killing machine.
"You do the math." This is what Bill Lumbergh would say at a staff meeting. So why is it on notice? You do the math.
Kevin Smith's upcoming Aquaman 3. I don't know how Silent Bob managed to get permission from both Marvel and DC, but this must be the worst crossover ever. Aquaman from DC comics takes on Pope John Paul 2 from his Marvel appearance.
The damned thing has two major problems: (1) it's exactly the same movie as Dogma; (2) the climactic scene is a rip-off. They are fighting in the steps of a Church, the strength of both men waning, and the whole thing depends on which one of them can get to the holy water first to replenish his powers.
ABC Dance Show to feature Springer, A.C. Slater, and tutti-frutti TV "personality" Tucker Carlson
Sulu roasts Captain Kirk
Betty White recalls the time she and William Shatner had sex. Two minutes before the Roast started.
That "pointy-eared pussy" Nimoy explains why he's not going to attend "douchebag" Shatner's roast
Seven dwarfs more famous than Supreme Court
Asked what planet Superman was from, 60 percent named the fictional planet Krypton, while only 37 percent knew that Mercury is the planet closest to the sun.
Respondents were far more familiar with the Three Stooges -- Larry, Curly and Moe -- than the three branches of the U.S. government -- judicial, executive and legislative. Seventy-four percent identified the former, 42 percent the latter.
Swedish pirate party launches world's first commercial darknet
First review of Pan's Labyrinth (Guillermo del Toro's ambitious new film.)
Castro's birthday wish comes true.
Here is the home page of Ursula Martinez. Before you mess with this page, be sure to catch her totally nude magic act (below).
"She sets fire to her tits, interrogates her parents, re-defines class, blurs fiction with reality, cures homosexuals, gives birth to penises, tells autobiographical stories, deconstructs performance and sings South London suburban flamenco - from high brow to low brow, from spectacle to confessional, from live art to light entertainment, Ursula Martinez produces solo and collaborative performance for theatre, site-specific, installation, cabaret, night club, film, television…… birthdays, weddings and Bar
British entertainer Ursula Martinez: "Hanky Panky" act. She does a trick with a handkerchief while stripping and pulling faces like Molly Shannon.
Totally nude - and wait'll you see the finale.
"Orange you glad to be a Buc?"
Who's a 99 this year?
"Madden NFL 07: Rosters and Ratings. A full breakdown of every player in the NFL."
Tip o' the day:
If you plan to dump Carmen Electra, have a solid back-up plan
Video: "Girl takes pic of herself every day for three years"
Time-lapse pregnancy: a 9-month picture progression
Cool! How to make a photoshop matte painting
Kevin Smith discusses Aquaman 2
Ranking the Bobby D's
Color photos of London in the late 1940s.
Latino Review has an exclusive script review of Vin Diesel's Hitman
Squirrel cuts power to 10,000 citizens
LOHAN SENDS LETTER TO STALKER OVER STALKING ABSENCES
Rumors have speculated that the stalker’s partying ways were what really caused him to miss several days of stalking. “You’ve been discourteous, irresponsible and unprofessional,” wrote Lohan. “You’ve acted like a spoiled child whose lousy work ethic has cost me considerable damage.”
CELEBRITIES GET PRE-ARREST MUG SHOTS
“Great mug shots don’t happen by accident,” said photographer Annie Leibovitz. “Mel Gibson signed up for my service months before his arrest, but Nick Nolte didn’t. The advantage is obvious.”
SCREECH GOES ON ANTI-SEMITIC RAMPAGE
... but fails to generate a response from Jewish community leaders. “We know about those remarks,” said Marvin Blau of the Jewish Defense Federation. “But it’s only that ‘Screech’ guy. If he didn’t say it to Mr. Belding, it’s not worth getting worked up about.”
Diamond’s wife complained that her husband wasn’t being properly condemned in the media for his behavior.
The trailer for Sleeping Dogs Lie, which was written and directed by Bobcat Goldthwait
ComingSoon.net now has trailers, teasers and a clip from Day Watch (the sequel to Night Watch)
The trailer for Saw 3
This is kind of an interesting interpretation of Deadwood:
'Deadwood' brings modern message to Wild West
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format.
Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
War Goddess (1974)
War Goddess or "Le Guerriere dal seno nudo" (The Warriors with bare
breasts) must have been conceived as a legitimate film. How else could they
have attracted writer Robert Graves (I, Claudius) and director Terence Young
(Dr. No, From Russia with Love, Thunderball) to the project? IMDb calls it
Spanish, but I am guessing that it was a Spanish/Italian co-production. At any
rate, it took on a life of its own, and morphed from an historical epic about
an Amazon society into a titty-fest.
The films opens with a slaughter of a group of men by Amazon women. We meet
Antiope (Alena Johnston), who is in the process of collecting her first male
head, evidently a rite of passage in her society, and her sister Oreitheia
(Sabine Sun). The two must rush back home to participate in the contest which
determines the queen for the next four years. The contest consists of martial
skills including spear-chucking, bows and arrows, etc, until there are only
two women, who then wrestle topless for the crown. Antiope wins. Oretheia
immediately starts to develop an attitude.
The next event on the social calendar is the annual compulsory mating which
is necessary to insure the survival of their society. As distasteful as it is,
the women will have to have sex with a group of men, and they will pay
handsomely to do so. This time, they have chosen a Greek Army. The king of
this group spots Antiope, and masquerades as a soldier to have her. To her
surprise, she enjoys the encounter. He gives her a tip for a faster route
home. Unfortunately, it leads them directly into an ambush.
Antiope is rather frustrated with her reign. The man she enjoyed seems to
have led her into a trap, her baby was a boy and had to be killed, and she
decides revenge on the Greeks is in order. Of course, things don't really work
out. I will leave those details for you to discover, but I will say that as
the film ends, Antiope has become the first women's libber in history.
The image quality is not at all good, and there is an apology at the
beginning, announcing that they had to piece this version together from
several sources. As a mid 70s exploitation film, this is a C-, but the
professional writer and director make it an interesting anomaly.
IMDb readers say 3.9 based on 39 votes, so I am clearly not the only one
who had never heard of it.
Alena Johnston does full
frontal and rear nudity
Sabine Sun wears a modesty
Dann reports on Cold Showers:
A coming-of-age picture, at least on one level, this 2005 French movie
poses a lot of questions about relationships, and at what point enough is
Mickael is a student and captain of the
Judo team. His parents are poor working folk, but he and girlfriend
Vanessa are happy and in love. A new member is added to the team, Clement
is the son of a rich man who donates to the team and encourages his son,
and all the members, to win at any cost.
The three soon become close friends, but
one night in the gym as the two boys are practicing and Vanessa is
watching, a friendly wrestling match develops between the three, and it
quickly becomes a menage-et-trois.
Vanessa loves the three-way, and the three
friends subsequently agree to meet at a hotel for another, but when
Mickael can't get in, Vanessa and Clement start without him, and suddenly
Mickael finds himself overcome with jealousy. Days later, he breaks up
with Vanessa, calling her a slut.
An interesting and untypical film for the
genre, with compelling characters and some neat twists.
Just a few things today. I think the winner is the Beyonce paparazzi pics.
Don't ya just love it when gals wear a black top and no bra? We can't see
anything at all when they do that...nope, not a thing...so all you babes just
keep right on running that play.
Pat's comments in yellow...
Australia's The Age newspaper reports that LaTrobe University researcher Chris
Fox is doing a PhD thesis on penis size and its role in body image. After
interviewing men age 20 to 75, he found that most worried about their size at
some time in their lives, even if it was perfectly normal; and that fears of
having a small one affect some men's self-esteem so much, they can't enjoy sex.
But Fox said one surprising discovery is that a large penis "can compensate for
other character flaws. So you may not be the nicest person around, but if you
have a big one, you'll tend to feel good about
* This explains the behavior of a lot of NBA players.
President Bush's spokesman said that during his vacation in Texas, Bush
read Albert Camus' existentialist novel "The Stranger," about a murderer's
questioning of the universe's indifference as he awaits execution
* Bush just liked the happy ending
Police in Butte, Montana, are investigating after the one-hit ("Come & Get
Your Love") 1970s band Redbone played a local fair, and it later turned out
the real Redbone was playing in Wisconsin and the Butte fair had been bilked by
* Redbone impersonators? Possibly the most pathetic job
in show business
Paris Hilton's press agent had to take Paris to an E.R. late one night for
treatment and a tetanus shot after her pet kinkajou, Baby Luv, turned on her and
took a bite out of her arm
* Mel Gibson made a sympathy call to Paris, and told
her all the problems of the world were the fault of the kinkajous.