I think you'll find some nice surprises in the site updates which I did over the weekend. They are not just cosmetic. You'll now find a very efficient way to search Tuna's archives, and a sweet little utility for finding the .zipped movies. I played around with them and was getting exactly the results I hoped for. In the case of Tuna's archives, because his file names are very precise, the search engine is able to draw some very good conclusions about what you want to see.

With luck, I'll be finished with server upgrade issues in about a day, at which time I can resume watching crappy movies!! After 4-5 days of messing with code, a crappy movie sounds great!


Other Crap:

ComingSoon has a trailer, a featurette and a clip from the remake of When a Stranger Calls

A concise Sundance wrap-up from USA Today

Weekly World News offers the pope free advice on how to fix the Catholic Church.

  • Sadly, the old subscription was in the name of JP2, and the new pope has not yet subscribed, so he may never see these tips.

Conan O'Brien's latest quotables

  • "The New York Stock Exchange has a new ethics rule that prevents stockbrokers from taking clients to strip clubs, but they can take them to Broadway shows. Which may explain the latest Broadway hit: 'Strippers in Hootertown.'"
  • Al Gore announced he is finishing up a new book about global warming and the environment. The first chapter talks about how you shouldn't chop down trees to make a book no one will read.

Conan O'Brien discusses his plans to visit Finland

"BUSH'S STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS TO BE SIMULCAST IN ENGLISH ... President Hopes to Reach Broader Audience, Aides Say"

Here is the trailer for Scary Movie 4

  • Leslie Nielsen portrays a President like George Bush. As aliens attack, he's listening to a children's story about a duck, and ... well ...


  • My man, Triumph, finished #16, but Family Guy's Brian finished out of the top 25.

Bryce Dallas Howard has seen only one episode of Happy Days

Owen Wilson is Ellen Degeneres!

  • ... except that one of them is WAY more masculine

The director of THANK YOU FOR SMOKING weighs in on the missing Katie Holmes sex scene. The key points are as follows:

  • "Anyone looking for some action will be very disappointed by the twelve seconds at the end of reel two. There is no nudity. It's not even remotely sexual. It's a comedic moment with some humping in the background that is undercut by humorous voice over. If I really made this all up, I’d only be setting people up for disappointment."
  • "Oh, and we found the missing Katie Holmes footage. It was on the floor of a projection booth at Sundance. It played as part of the film on Saturday and I think everyone was underwhelmed. I tried to warn people, but I guess folks want to believe the gossip."

Here's a high quality picture of Paris Hilton's ... um ... shoes.

The latest in the sad saga of Natasha Lyonne

Celebrities and their houses.

  • This site is a bit dated (Pitt-Aniston), but fascinating. Check out the house of my fellow Fordham grad Denzel Washington!

Is there still time to add some scenes to the new Pink Panther movie? Museum visitor trips, falls down a stairway, breaks three Qing dynasty vases.

Very hot pictures of Xtina in a semi-transparent t-shirt

The annual Electronic Entertainment Expo will enforce a ban on booth babes!

  • "Companies may have to rely on actual games to grab our attention."

FilmJerk.com - The Early Report for January 29, 2006: Part One

  • "This week's Early Report covers the 52 known new movies opening in theatres or expanding their runs between Wednesday February 1 and Friday March 3"

"Twins detained for loincloth outrage"

  • The USA has its road rage, and Zimbabwe has loincloth outrage.


  • "FBI investigators say sequel was found just in time"


  • "I think I focused too much on the dialogue and acting in the last three Star Wars prequels, said Lucas. For the Indiana Jones prequels, I'm going to focus on the CGI elements and special effects to really capture the story of Indiana's transformation from an adventurous child to a full action hero."


  • "Yellow and White Pages considered safe pick"


  • Shows to include “Everybody Hates Reba,” “SuperCuts,” “7th Heaven Smackdown!”

The trailer for Iron Island

  • The titular "Iron Island" is a huge rusting tanker off the Iranian coast in which dozens of homeless families have found shelter and formed a community. The head of the ship, Captain Nemat tries to balance finding jobs, oil, food and even husbands for the poor and struggling families. He controls the "residence" with absolute power which comes to violent crisis when two young lovers attempt to defy his authority and from the increasing pressure of business interests seeking to seize the ship and evict the residents.

Razzies announce their 2005 nominations, and Rob Schneider is lookin' good.

Tim Story talks Fantastic Four 2


Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.




Besame Mucho La Pelicula (1994)

"Kiss Me Forever - The Film" is a Venezuelan offering based on the stage play El Vendedore, which was written by Mariela Romero.

It is Amparo Grisales' birthday. She is rebuked when she dares to interrupt a business meeting  to visit a government minister she once lived with. He has moved on to someone younger and prettier. She returns home, and the minister's new fuck buddy reminds him that Amparo knows where all his skeletons are. Meanwhile, in another part of town, a woman has been brutally murdered, and the police are engaged in a manhunt. Naturally, they find his motorcycle in Amparo's neighborhood. When a handsome salesman knocks on the door and convinces Amparo to let him in, the plot is set up.

The politician is convinced that the man in Amparo's house is the killer, and delays the police hoping the killer will solve his problem. Amparo and the salesman are simpatico, and not only end up in bed, but develop real feelings for each other. This all leads up to a fantastic ending that I don't want to give any hints at.

It explores themes typical of Latin American dramas, about political corruption and infidelity among the rich, and basically amounts to a credible stage play adaptation. Like many stage adaptations, it is very talky, and star Amparo Grisales plays the part too large, as if she were on stage, but the story is engaging and it has a killer ending.

13 voters at IMDb have this at 7.7.

By our criteria: C.


Amparo Grisales - breasts and buns.


Estas Ruinas Que Ves (1979)

"These Ruins that You See" is a Mexican comedy based on a novel of the same name by Jorge Patiño. The story takes place is a small University city where Fernando Luján has returned, now as a professor, to his home town. Being a native son who made good as a professor of literature, he is instantly part of the "in crowd, " and his homecoming is far better than he expected, because little Gloria Rivera (Blanca Guerra) has grown into a very ripe woman.

She is engaged, and that doesn't stop Luján, but a drunken colleague tells him that she has a heart condition, and her first orgasm will be fatal. This is the dominant plot line, but there are others as well. We have a professor who sees himself as a liberal, his wife who is perpetually in heat (Grace Renat), and a great number of pompous characters who sit in a cantina and argue over contemporary life until they can barely walk, then go out and piss in the middle of the street.

I suppose this is a character-driven comedy.   There is nothing earthshaking about the plot, and the photography is high saturation and high contrast, yielding very colorful images. In the final analysis, this is a character-driven comedy, so your enjoyment will depend on how much you enjoy the characters. I did.

Just in case Blanca Guerra has escaped your attention, she is one of the best actresses in Mexico. She has won 3 Ariels, and has been nominated for four more. Her first Ariel was in 1988, and her most recent in 1999. Here, she was in her physical prime and looked every bit the college temptress.

IMDb readers say 5.6, and with very few votes.

By our criteria: C+.



Grace Renat

Blanca Guerra




A doubleheader today.

In the opener, we have "A Gun, a Car, a Blonde"

First up is Kay Lenz who has been around for a long time. Just a little cleavage.

(Scoop's note: Do you remember when Billy Bob Thornton was a fat, balding little butterball? The pics above show him before he slimmed down.)

Then the real reason to watch this flick: Andrea Thompson, who does a full frontal Black & White scene. Andrea later did a turn as a "CNN Headline News" newscaster.

Game number two is the always sexy Elizabeth Hurley with a lot of tease in "Double Whammy".




Today we've got clips from a Flemish/Dutch co-production, Wildschut (1985) to be precise. In this weird but entertaining movie that is part comedy, part action flick Annick Christiaens is the damsel in distress when two gangsters choose the farm where she is living as a hide-out. Lucky for her one of the two is a decent guy and comes to her rescue. And she rewards him for it like only a woman can reward a man of course. This is the movies, what else had you expected?
Annick gives up all 3 B's in the following 3 clips, (1, 2, 3) first while struggling with the bad gangster, then while rewarding the "good" gangster. A penis is also briefly visible in one of the clips, so don't say I didn't warn ya.


Selma Blair in Strong Island Boys. I didn't realize that she had done some nudity before Storytelling, This was way back in 1997, and there a tiny little boob in the last frame!

The paparazzi catch Amanda Holden falling out of her dress.

Mr. Blonde was a busy fella yesterday. He was out there in the future with LC. Here are some caps from the DVD of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which is not yet commercially available. First, Michelle Monaghan.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang continues with Shannyn Sossamon. I went to see this film in the theaters because my youngest son was in town and we got rained out of a golf game. That turned out to be serendipity. Of the thousand or so films I watched last year, this is one of the ten or so that I loved without qualification. A beautiful noir in the 1940s tradition, updated with some wrinkles from the new millennium (a gay detective, for example). Downey and Kilmer are terrific as the obligatory mismatched buddies. It is written with a lot of humor, and a real love for the great works of detective fiction and cinema. It even has some pretty good nudity. Here are my notes. It is rated an astronomical 8.0 at IMDb, the same score earned by Oscar favorite Brokeback Mountain, but nobody has seen this sumbitch.

While Mr Blonde was in the future, he watched NEXT week's episode of The L-Word and sent back these captures to those of us stuck in the present. If you want to impress your friends with your knowledge of the future, you need two words: lesbian vampires.

Here's Leisha Hailey

Also from L-Word, Kathleen Moenning

Last, but by no means least, here is one of my personal favorites, Maribel Verdu, in one of her sexiest scenes. She's naked as a jaybird in this zipped .avi, posing for the painter Goya. The name of the film is Goya in Bordeaux. It's in Spanish, but you'll never notice!


Pat's comments in yellow...

Beverly Hills dermatologist Dr. Vail Reese announced his annual Skinny Awards for the best and worst celebrity skin.  His kudos go to Joaquin Phoenix for becoming a leading man despite not covering his "cleft lip" scar with a mustache, and Reese Witherspoon for not getting Botox, "knowing her forehead muscles convey emotion even as they slowly produce aging furrows."  His disses include Katie Holmes for going out in public with a cold sore, and "Lost" star Evangeline Lilly for displaying the cellulite on her rear.  His list is topped by the multiple skin problems of Brad Pitt (severe acne scars) and Angelina Jolie (acne moles, abdominal scars, tattoos and puffy lips, which Reese believes are not collagen-enhanced).

*  So thank God you don't look like either one of THOSE mutants!

*  Angelina has so many moles and pimples, her tattoos are really just a game of connect-the-dots.

*  Next year, Reese will top the worst list because of her repulsive age

*  Conveying emotion causes aging?  No wonder today's actresses look so young.

Health authorities in Norway are investigating reports that staffers at a
hospital in Fredrikstad threw a Christmas party in the autopsy room.  They
allegedly put a white cloth over the autopsy table, adorned it with candles, and  served beer off it

*  Beer and some stiff drinks

* They drank until they were dead drunk

Utah paleontologist Don DeBlieux sawed open a plaster mold of a dinosaur
fossil and a live scorpion wiggled out.  It had been sealed in the plaster for
15 months without food or water and was still alive

* That's nothing: Lindsay Lohan has gone 16 months

* It's skinny and mean and doesn't need food, so they named it Naomi Campbell