Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

Bad Timing (1980):

Although this film was directed by a major British director (Nic Roeg) and starred Theresa Russell, Harvey Keitel and Art Garfunkel, I wasn't really aware of it until today. Oh, I has seen the name here and there, but I never associated it with Roeg or with any sort of film achievement. It turns out that my ignorance, and probably yours as well, was calculated by the film's producers, The Rank Organization, who buried the film in the deepest hole they could find because they considered it to be a work of degeneracy.

They began by failing to distribute the film to their own Odeon theater chain in the UK. It was the only Rank film which was never shown in a single Odeon theater. The second largest theater chain in the U.K. was owned by Rank's rival, EMI, which had no intention of helping their competitor financially, so the film ended up in Sir Lew Grade's tiny chain of Classic theaters. The Rank executives were so embarrassed by the film that they even went so far as to remove their trademark opening gong from the film's intro, and kept it from being released on video tape. As recently as the summer of 2004 (a year ago as I write this), Roeg felt that the film would never again be seen in its proper condition, as per this comment at IMDB:

The real tragedy is that Bad Timing has never been released on any home video format, and I fear it may never happen. It was made at a time when music licenses weren't automatically cleared for home viewing. Considering the eclectic soundtrack incorporates Jarrett, Tom Waits, The Who, Billie Holiday, Harry Partch and others, the idea of renegotiating deals at this point would be any lawyer's nightmare. Even worse, Roeg himself believes the few prints that Rank struck are probably lost or damaged beyond repair, and one fears for the state of the negative.

Fortunately, The Criterion Collection came along like a white knight and rescued this distressed damsel in 2005. Not only have they managed a digital restoration of the entire film in a gorgeous, anamorphically enhanced 2.35:1 aspect ratio, but they have assembled 15 minutes of deleted scenes, about a hundred rare photos and original posters, an interview with Roeg, and an interview with star (later Roeg's wife) Theresa Russell.

So what made the film so damned degenerate?

The basic outline is as follows.

Art Garfunkel and Theresa Russell are American expatriates living in Vienna, Art playing a visiting university lecturer and Theresa portraying a free spirit blowing with the wind. Although totally mismatched, they strike up a relationship which begins in passion and high hopes but is ultimately doomed by the incompatible personalities. The 40ish professor wants an orderly world filled with sensible thoughts, one in which schedules are honored, promises kept, mates won and held. The 20ish woman is essentially a hedonist who is in a stage of life where she wants to experience as much as possible, and do what she wants to do when the mood strikes her, often without regard to earlier commitments. She also has a flexible attitude toward the truth, which further irritates the older man, and impels him to imagine even greater infidelities than the ones she is really committing. As their relationship inevitably degenerates, they continue to hang on to one another in certain ways, as lovers so often do. Long after it is obvious that they have no future, the professor is still obsessed with her, still jealous of her potential suitors, and still longing for the way things once were between them. Simultaneously, the woman still needs to stay in contact with the professor for the stability and common sense which he brings to her, especially as she descends into a world of depression and alcohol abuse.

A dramatic event drives the film. One day the woman calls the professor to report that she has overdosed on booze and pills. He eventually gets her to the hospital, but a local police inspector feels that there was a great deal of time elapsed between the professor's having received the call and his having summoned assistance. What happened in that period?

The mystery is revealed in flashback, as the woman lies on her hospital bed, struggling for breath, hovering between life and death. Scenes from that night are intercut with the flashbacks as the police inspector interrogates the professor, and the audience sees the disparity between the professor's non-committal answers and reality.


At this point you may wonder why anyone thought this film was disgusting. In order to reveal that, I need to spoil the plot. If you would rather find out for yourself, read no further in this section.

It turns out that the professor arrived at her apartment, cut off her clothes, and raped her before calling an ambulance. He was enjoying a masturbatory reverie of the way things used to be between them, while simultaneously feeling despair from the loss of their love and overwhelming shame at his act.


This movie is not without flaws, but is a great work of art in many ways. It is passionate, close to the bone, and complex. It is, above all, a masterpiece of psychological drama because it makes us feel disgust at the professor's actions at the same time that it makes us realize that we could easily have done something similar in his position. At the very least, it makes us realize that all of is, even those with no great secret like this, have been in doomed, obsessive relationships which ended in some form of regrettable, shameful ugliness. In digging so close to the truth, the film provokes us by making us feel the way we do we have unearthed a repressed memory which we would have preferred to stay buried.

Is the whole film disgusting? Is it a great film? Could it be both? Opinions will vary, but Criterion deserves a standing ovation for having given us all a chance to judge the film ourselves, for having restored it so magnificently, and for having found and created so many additional features. An A+ for the DVD.

 ... and for having uncovered a Theresa Russell beaver shot in the deleted scenes! (First collage in the deleted section)
Theresa Russell
Theresa Russell in the deleted scenes
Ellan Fartt


Comments and zipped .avis from ICMS.


 Today we cross the Rhine into Germany where we will take a closer look at three actresses.  

First we have Ursula Karven in "Holiday Affair" (2001) who gives us a triple B performance in these 4 clips. Sadly she has a tragic link with America, since it was in Tommy Lee's pool that her little boy drowned.  (1, 2, 3, 4)

Secondly we'll kill two birds with one stone. In 2003's "Liebe und Verlangen" (Love and Desire) Natalia Wörner and Katja Flint, two respected German actresses, were in for some girl-girl action in prime-time network TV. I'm not sure what exactly is visible in these two clips as the camera was fairly close to the girls but nevertheless I think it's still worth your while.  (1, 2)

That's all for today. 

Crimson Ghost

Captures and comments from the Ghost
Kelli Brown in Sex Games Vegas


'Caps and comments by Hankster:  

Today we return to "Lust Connection" and yet another porn legend Julie K. Smith. The venerable Julie bares all in love making scenes and then hits the tub to soap up those Robo-Hooters.


You older guys will smile with warm recognition at the sight of Olivia Hussey's big chest in Zefferelli's version of Romeo and Juliet (zipped .avi's) Clip 1, Clip 2
No nudity, but Anne Hathaway looks great bending over )from the set of a new movie).
Kari Wuhrer post-reduction in King of the Ants
Justine Bateman in Out of Order
Tara Reid out in public in a see-through. The second picture has been photoshopped. While it represents the truth, it is not the truth itself.
This time it is Teri Hatcher in a public appearance with some sexy kinda see-through action
Finally, another sweet little film clip - Lysette Anthony's full frontal nudity in Looking for Eileen. The thumbnail leads to a larger preview picture. The text link leads to a zipped .avi. , Film clip
Movie Reviews


Here are the latest movie reviews available at


  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Other Crap

The trailer for Separate Lies, an Oscar hopeful starring Tom Wilkinson and Emily Watson

Another Ted Nugent reality show.

The solution to the hurricane naming problem: "METEOROLOGISTS TO GIVE STORMS FIRST AND LAST NAMES"

Letterman's Top Ten George W. Bush Tax-Saving Tips

Here is the entire first episode of Everybody Hates Chris

PAT ROBERTSON CORRECTS DATELINE HOLLYWOOD ARTICLE. Televangelist says DeGeneres's homosexuality will cause earthquake, not hurricane

Kudrow says cancellation of The Comeback is actually a part of show's plot (Note: Dateline Hollywood is a satire site)


The Daily Show's Rita Digest - "As it turns out, Hurricane Rita was the Ghostbusters II of hurricanes."

"Dr. Irwin Redlener and Jon Stewart talk about the state of our country's disaster preparedness."

The Daily Show looks at some of the reporters working hard to make hurricane stories completely about themselves.

The Daily Show's Senior Hurricane Analyst Ed Helms takes to the streets to help the needy.

The Daily Show's Steven Colbert does This Week in God

Late Night with Conan O'Brien - last week's quotables

  • "In a recent interview, Martha Stewart says she didn't get into any fist fights in prison. Martha says she preferred to kick people to death"
  • "Yesterday, President Bush made his fifth visit to the area that received the most damage form Hurricane Katrina - the White House."
  • "In France, a man is in trouble because he lived with his dead mother for 5 years so he could keep collecting her pension. In a related story, this morning police arrested Melissa Rivers for the same thing."

Conan the Late Night Barbarian gives some back-to-school tips.

This week's movies - 800 screens: Oliver Twist - 53% positive reviews. The reviews can be summed up in one word - (Cue JoAnn Worley) - "BORRRRRRRRRRING!"

  • "A work of craft that could be flying the Masterpiece Theatre banner. You know, an earnestly worthy adaptation of a literary classic, as faithful and polished as it is ponderous and unprovocative."
  • "acceptable yet thoroughly uninspiring"
  • "A version of Oliver that's so safe, it's pretty much a case of baby-sitting.
  • "probably the most faithful adaptation. But hardly anyone will take notice; it's just a tale that's been told too many times before."

This week's movies - 1000 screens: The Greatest Game Ever Played - 80% positive reviews.

This week's movies - 1200 screens: A History of Violence - 83% positive reviews. There are really no reviews which are very negative. The "rotten" reviews say things like "gripping, intense experience" and "always engaging"

This week's movies - 2300 screens: Serenity - 67% good reviews (but that's based on only six reviews.)

This week's movies - 2700 screens: Into the Blue - No good reviews. Hey, I got your good review right here. (Grabs crotch.) Jessica Alba in a bikini for the entire movie. Now review dis! (Grabs crotch.)

The Weekend Warrior makes his predictions for the upcoming weekend.

  • Warrior thinks that Serenity, the epic space adventure from Buffy's Joss Whedon, will take over at #1 despite being limited to 2300 screens.
  • Into the Blue, the eye candy underwater adventure with Paul Walker and Jessica Alba should slip in to #3, or possibly #4 (it's a virtual tie), with a presence on 2700 screens.
  • David Cronenberg's A History of Violence is expected to finish a respectable #7 despite being in only 1200 theaters.
  • The Greatest Game Ever Played, the Disney golf film, is way down there at #9, although its revenues come from only 1000 screens. This movie must not have tested that well if it comes from Disney and is getting such a limited release.

The biggest star in post-Taliban Afghanistan? Mr Bean. Just a few years ago, the Taliban banned all entertainment, and instituted systematic repression and public executions. Now they have Mr Bean. Many Afghanis long for the good old days.

BUSH PRAISES SWIFTNESS OF HURRICANE RITA PHOTO-OPS ... But Says Government Must Create Impression of Concern Even Faster in Future

iowahawk: Little Pink Footballs

  • "University of Iowa law prof Erin Buzuvis posts a stirring cri de couer to protest the shockingly pink visitors' locker rooms at Iowa's Kinnick Stadium. My network of Iowa City researchers located her first draft in a dumpster behind Dirty John's."


Court forces RIAA to dismiss case against mother & child .

  • "While the case was dismissed, the mother had to pay legal fees as the Judge refused to award her attorneys fees. The reason is that the plaintiffs' lawyers had taken the appropriate steps in trying to prosecute the mother and that the mother used tactics to obstruct the Plaintiff to efficiently prosecute her."

The army's killer dolphins let loose by Katrina. So far, their only opposition has been frickin' sharks with laser beams. (NOTE: The Guardian and Observer look sorta like real newspapers, but often use fact-checkers rejected by Weekly World News. These are the same guys who printed the Presidential I.Q hoax, and claimed that the pentagon was predicting and planning for global warming.)


Pat Reeder

Pat's comments in yellow

Don't Cross The Atheists - An atheist in Las Cruces, New Mexico, is suing to have three crosses removed from the city seal, claiming it's an unconstitutional use of religious symbols on public property with no purpose "other than to disenfranchise and discredit non-Christian
citizens."  Mayor Bill Mattiace said they will defend the crosses, which have a perfectly legitimate reason for being on the city emblem,
considering that "Las Cruces" is Spanish for "The Crosses."

*  Well, that will have to be changed.

Lost In Translation - The BBC reports that there's a new book, "The Meaning of Tingo," which collects words from around the world that don't have English equivalents, but should. 

 For instance:

On Easter Island, "tingo"means borrowing items from your neighbor one at a time until he has nothing left.

*  The closest English equivalent would be "brother-in-law."
*  Not coincidentally, Easter Island also has 87 different words for "murder."

...The Dutch word for skimming stones over water is "plimpplampplettere."

*  Spelled the way it sounds.

...In Central America, an aviador is a government worker who only shows up on payday.

*  We have a term for that: "civil servant."

...In Japan, a bakku-shan is a girl who appears pretty from behind but not from the front.

*  We would call that a "half-J-Lo."

It Makes Wives Breathe Fire - Germany has many great compound words. "Kummperspeck" literally means "grief bacon," but it's the weight gained from emotion-related overeating.  And Drachenfutter are gifts given by guilty husbands to their wives, but it literally means "dragon fodder."

*  That's called a compound word because it only compounds the problem.
*  As in, "If you mention your wife's kummperspeck, you'll soon be buying drachenfutter."

SCOOP's note: All kidding aside, I'm pretty sure we have an equivalent to Drachenfutter. If I were translating this to English, I would call it a "thorn-remover."

This Belongs In The Tunnel Of Love! - Some Italian tourists at Munich, Germany's Oktoberfest beer festival were shocked when they went for a leisurely ride on Munich's giant ferris wheel.  Two men with cameras and a woman with a vibrator stepped into their sightseeing car and began shooting a porn movie.  Unable to stop them, the Italians called the police, who arrested them for public indecency.  The two men turned out to be a student and a political scientist who said they weren't doing it for commercial reasons but to document how people would react.

*  And now they know: they react by arresting them.
*  "Eyesen-poppin" is the German world for how people react to seeing porn shot on a ferris wheel.
*  The Italians had never been to Oktoberfest before, but they knew that wasn't what you did with a bratwurst.
*  Porn shot on a ferris wheel is okay, but stay away from porn shot on the "It's A Small World" ride.

But The Worm Provides Protein - Scientists in Mexico are launching a study of the health benefits of the blue agave plant, which is usually distilled into tequila.  Prices have dropped as supply exceeded demand, so they hope to help farmers by opening up a new market in the diet industry.  Animal studies suggest that agave contains substances that lower cholesterol and  alter fat absorption in the intestines, helping dieters shed pounds faster.  The bad news: it loses these properties when it becomes tequila.

*  That's what you might call the worm in the tequila bottle.
*  But drink enough of it, and you cease to care.
*  But think of all the vitamin C you get from the lime juice in the margaritas.
*  I'll also do my part to help the agave farmers by increasing the demand for tequila.

And That's What His FRIENDS Call Him! - In West Chester, Pennsylvania, the lawyer for Demetrius "Scuz" Fiorentino, who's charged with robbery and murder during a botched drug deal, asked the judge to bar the use of his nickname, "Scuz."  Citing the dictionary definition of "scuzzball" as "an unpleasant, dirty or dangerous person; a creep," the lawyer said using it in court would prejudice the jury.  Prosecutors say he has to be called "Scuz" because that's the name all the witnesses know him by.

*  Because he's such a scuzzball.
*  Also because he's the only unpleasant, dirty, dangerous creep in the room.
*  Well, they also know him as "Killer"...

A Nation Of Beerdrinkers - A survey commissioned by the Australian wine producer McWilliams found that 25 percent of restaurant diners always order the house red or white wine because they can't understand the flowery, pretentious descriptions on the wine list and are afraid to admit it.  Only half understood the word "oaked" (aged in oak barrels), with some thinking it meant acorns were an ingredient.  Two-thirds didn't know what "full-bodied" meant, although some thought it meant they used larger grapes.  And 70 percent didn't know "appellation" was a guarantee of quality.  Some thought it meant the wine was made with apples.

*  Like their favorite, Boone's Farm Apple Wine.
*  This survey is completely wrong: people order the house wine because it's CHEAPER...and they're afraid to admit it.
*  They think house wine is cheaper because they believe the waiter made it at his house.
*  I thought "full-bodied" meant it came in a bottle shaped like Anna Nicole Smith...Or a jug shaped like Kirstie Alley.

So THAT'S Her Talent! - The celebrity magazine OK has agreed to pay Britney Spears $1.5 million for an interview about her childbirth and exclusive photos of her baby son, Sean Preston.  It's one of many deals she and Kevin Federline have lined up, including $1.5 million to videotape the first few weeks of his life for TV and $3 million to air footage of the birth on their reality show, "Chaotic."  All told, Britney will pocket about $6 million for having a baby.

*  And she can pick up another $5 million by selling him to Angelina Jolie.
*  We finally know Kevin Federline's job: "World's most overpaid sperm donor."

What An Ass! - reports that Jennifer Lopez, who's famous for her plump bottom, said she never wanted to be like anyone else and was always determined never to diet.  But she said she once had a "manager who was very critical of my shape, he felt that everyone should look like Heather Locklear - thin and blonde."  He told her to go on a diet, so J. Lo said, "I fired him."

*  Then he refused to leave, so she sat on him.
*  It worked out okay: he's now Heather Locklear's manager.
*  Bad advice. Given that J. Lo makes lousy records and worse movies...If she were thin and blonde, she'd be Madonna.

He Did Better Than Most Husbands - Madonna's director husband Guy Ritchie had an embarrassing moment on the French TV show, "Everybody's Talking About It," when he forgot his wife's name.  The host surprised him with a trivia quiz about Madonna.  An audience member said he looked irritated but went along.  But he couldn't remember what she wore at their wedding, and when asked her full name, he stammered until a fellow guest jumped in and told him it's Madonna Louise Ciccone.

*  And Guy replied, "Oh crap!  I married someone named Louise?!"
*  Ever since she starred in his movie "Swept Away," he's been trying to blot her name from his memory.

Banned In Boston - Boston's transit authority is yanking ads for syndicated reruns of "Sex & The City" from buses, after getting a complaint from Pastor Bruce Wall.  The ads read, "Sex every night.  11 p.m."  Wall said he and his wife were in front of their church when seven buses rolled by with the ads, and they thought it was "dirtying the neighborhood."  He said the "Sex every night" ads might be all right for married couples, but not for teens.

*  Oh come on, who's more likely to have sex every night, teens or married couples?!
*  Actually, THEIR church frowns on sex every night for married couples.
*  Maybe he didn't realize, this was just for people who like to watch.

*  Vincent Pastore, who played Big Pussy on "The Sopranos," agreed to a plea deal for assaulting his girlfriend and will attend anger management classes...

Wow, he IS a Big Pussy!

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