Queen, one of the 164 Hammer Film Productions
Limited films from 1967 stars Carita in the title
role. While she has 11 credits on IMDB, all
except this one are for make-up. As the film
begins, her father the king is dyeing, and
bequeaths his kingdom jointly to his youngest
daughter and the Roman conquerors. This is not a
popular decision with the highly political Druid
priests, or with her siblings. She is doing the
nasty with the local Roman HCIC (Head Centurion
in Charge), and they hope to marry. There is
dissension in the ranks of the Romans, the Brits
are not happy, and the Druids and Caritas sisters
are opposed to her marriage and Roman rule. Can
the relationship survive this sort of pressure?
Of course not. Carita becomes "The Viking
Queen" and leads her people in an attack
against an infinite number of trained Roman
From the above description, you might think
this was not a very good film. You would be
right. There is no nudity, but there is a wet
t-shirt contest, pokies and cleavage.
Toxic Avenger" (1985)
Toxie is the best known of all of the Troma
monsters. The Toxic Avenger WAS Troma's first
real hit, and exemplified everything Troma stands
for; mind-numbing gore, gratuitous sex, over-the
top acting, and tasteless jokes. In other words,
it is a masterpiece. The story centers around the
gym in Tromaville. The mop boy, a wimp so
irritating that you are rooting for him to die,
jumps out the window after a humiliating
practical joke is played on him, and lands in a
barrel of toxic nuclear waste. What emerges from
the green bubbling goo is the Toxic Avenger, who
has a compulsion to stamp out evil, and the size
to do it.
For trashy B movie fans, it doesn't get any
better than this. Toxie is so popular, he has
spawned two sequels. Given the Troma dedication
to bad acting, it is not surprising that the cast
is mostly unknowns. Exposure is provided by Cindy
Manion and Jennifer Baptist. Note: IMDB has her
as Jennifer Babtist. Who knows for sure ...
Cindy Manion (1,
Jennifer Baptist (1,
Capodanno" (1998), from Johnny Web and
The "last new
year", intersecting stories in the Tarantino
mode, I suppose. I haven't seen it, so I'm
guessing from the IMDb summary. The captures were
done by TomCat. The important thing is that
Eurobabe Monica Bellucci exposed pretty much
every nook and cranny of her body for the role.
It seems to me as if the large-breasted Bellucci
has been a star since I was a child, but actually
she's only 31, so I guess it's an illusion caused
by the fact that she made about 25 features in
her first decade in films.
"The Beach" (2000)
After Tuna reviewed The Beach, my review
seemed almost like an encomium. So I started to
give it some thought. Tuna said it set a standard
for bad movies in the new millenium, so I started
to wonder how it compares to the legendary really
crappy movies of the past.
Among all films made with a reasonable budget,
I guess the worst movie I've ever seen was Road
House, and I wondered how to compare that to The
Beach. I'll handle it like one of those sports
page comparisons that they do for the SuperBowl.
Remember here that we're ranking them for
badness, so "advantage" goes to the
worse of the two.
Leading man: even. Patrick Swayze - a guy who
had more career than he deserved because he
lucked into one megahit (Dirty Dancing), but not
a total loser. He turned in some respectable
performances in oddball movies like "Wong
Foo". Dicaprio also is overrated because of
a megahit, but also turned in an accurate
performance as Rimbaud in a Total Eclipse.
Pretentiousness: advantage Road House. The
Beach includes some muddled, hippie, finding
oneself crap, with a bit of a nod to Lord of the
Flies, but Road House includes quotations from
many of the great philosophers. Hard to top that.
Plot credibility: advantage The Beach. Road
House has a bouncer with a PhD in Philosophy, but
The Beach has so many holes and continuity
errors, that there's no contest.
Cinematography: advantage Road House. The
Beach looks better, by far.
Supporting cast: advantage Road House, by a
long margin. Road House features both Kevin Tighe
and Ben Gazzara. 'Nuff said. Some of the
supporting players in The Beach were actually
competent. Not sure about Robert Carlyle - maybe
a bit over the top, but still overshadowed by
Gazzara's high camp baddie.
Watchability: advantage The Beach. The Beach
is far less fun to watch. Road House is a movie
so bad that it's good. In a way, it's a brilliant
comedy, although I don't think the filmmakers
were really aware of it at the time. You never
have to wait more than a couple minutes for
something to make fun of. It's fun to watch. The
Beach is just a snoozer.
Verdict: Road House is the winner, and still
champion. The Beach is bad, but I don't think
it's ready to stand side-by-side with Road House
yet. For me, other elements balance out fairly
evenly, but the deciding factor was Road House's
dark photography and incomparably bad supporting
cast. In order to match it, The Beach would have
needed a lenscap over the lens and Ryan
Phillippe, Kathy Ireland, Rodman and Van Damme.
Come to think of it, The Beach would have been a
lot more fun with that cast.
One more thought on Rodman and VanDamme. Back
when I was young, we thought certain records
could never be broken. Nobody could top Ruth's
714, or Gehrig's 2130, and nobody could ever be
worse movie buddies than Willie Aames and Chachi.
As your Lawdog balloting proved, we were wrong on
all three counts.
|'Caps from "The Passion of
Darkly Noon". Minimum nudity in the form of
see-thru's and a nip slip (#4)
|Strip Poker, the game show.
|Sounds like a winner to me! Lots
of cleavage and undies, but no real exposure.
|Comments by Pichound:
The cat fight featuring Miss Hancock and Major
Gunns, a preview to the Pay per view event, New
Blood Rising. On PPV these two are gonna get in a
mud puddle and rip each others camo off. This
should be entertaining enough seeing how Tylene
hasn't shown squat since she joined WCW!
|Rasslin' 'caps with Trish
|Rasslin' 'caps with Tylene
|WhyScan's Page Three
|If Page Three is unfamiliar to
link describes the Page Three tradition.
|Today's Page 3 girl....Maria, 25,
from Guildford. (1, 2, 3, 4)
||From "A Fish Called Wanda". 'Caps
by Tuna, collage by FR.
||Vidcaps by Donbun from what is
probably the worst movie I've ever seen on
Skinemax, "Rebecca's Secret"! That's a
bold statement, but I'm standing behind it!
Granted, when it comes to late night cable, you
should expect absolutely nothing with regards to
plot, acting ability, continuity, etc. All you
should expect is a lot of nudity and simulated
sex. But this thing was done sooooooo poorly,
that even by my much lower than average
standards, I couldn't take it! Amy Rochelle has
less charisma then Al Gore in a coma! You want to
talk about wooden? I've seen more life in the
petrified tree stumps!
My guess is the plot
and all dialogue were written on a single
beverage napkin, and they only used one side.
What probably happened is some investment banker
in LA cashed in some some stock, and needed a
write off to counter act his capital gains taxes.
This movie is a must miss! It doesn't even
qualify for the "it's so bad it's good"
category! I'll nominate this for the
"Dante's Peak" award at the next Scoopy
||Something to see above and below the equator.
||Another collage from the Internet short
"The Sadness of Sex". Great images in
||Topless vidcaps from "On
the Border". I haven't seen this one yet,
but check out this "all-star" b
movie-line up! Casper Van Dien, Daniel Baldwin
(the fat Baldwin), and one of Scoop Sr's favorite
bad actors...Bryan Brown!
|Thanks to Number 6 for sending in
these cartoons and jokes
and woods...the truth revealed
Care for Men
Starr, the movie
|More Redneck Humor:
Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who
died and left his entire estate in trust for his
-She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
do you know when your staying in a Kentucky
-When you call the front desk and say "I've
gotta leak in my sink" the person at the
front desk says "go ahead."
How can you tell if a Texas redneck is
-There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of
his pickup truck.
What do they call reruns of "Hee
Haw" in Mississippi?
How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
-Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup
truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got
any ID?" The driver says, "Bout
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee
-The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West
-Everyone has the same DNA.
A new law recently passed in North Carolina:
-When a couple gets divorced, they're still
brother and sister.
What's the best thing to ever come out of
Two Mississippians are walking down different
ends of a street toward each other, and one is
carrying a sack. When they meet, one says,
"Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th'
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, can I have
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you
both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"