The Viking Queen, one of the 164 Hammer Film Productions Limited films from 1967 stars Carita in the title role. While she has 11 credits on IMDB, all except this one are for make-up. As the film begins, her father the king is dyeing, and bequeaths his kingdom jointly to his youngest daughter and the Roman conquerors. This is not a popular decision with the highly political Druid priests, or with her siblings. She is doing the nasty with the local Roman HCIC (Head Centurion in Charge), and they hope to marry. There is dissension in the ranks of the Romans, the Brits are not happy, and the Druids and Caritas sisters are opposed to her marriage and Roman rule. Can the relationship survive this sort of pressure? Of course not. Carita becomes "The Viking Queen" and leads her people in an attack against an infinite number of trained Roman soldiers.

From the above description, you might think this was not a very good film. You would be right. There is no nudity, but there is a wet t-shirt contest, pokies and cleavage.

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Carita (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

"The Toxic Avenger" (1985)

Toxie is the best known of all of the Troma monsters. The Toxic Avenger WAS Troma's first real hit, and exemplified everything Troma stands for; mind-numbing gore, gratuitous sex, over-the top acting, and tasteless jokes. In other words, it is a masterpiece. The story centers around the gym in Tromaville. The mop boy, a wimp so irritating that you are rooting for him to die, jumps out the window after a humiliating practical joke is played on him, and lands in a barrel of toxic nuclear waste. What emerges from the green bubbling goo is the Toxic Avenger, who has a compulsion to stamp out evil, and the size to do it.

For trashy B movie fans, it doesn't get any better than this. Toxie is so popular, he has spawned two sequels. Given the Troma dedication to bad acting, it is not surprising that the cast is mostly unknowns. Exposure is provided by Cindy Manion and Jennifer Baptist. Note: IMDB has her as Jennifer Babtist. Who knows for sure ...

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Cindy Manion (1, 2, 3, 4) Jennifer Baptist (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

The "last new year", intersecting stories in the Tarantino mode, I suppose. I haven't seen it, so I'm guessing from the IMDb summary. The captures were done by TomCat. The important thing is that Eurobabe Monica Bellucci exposed pretty much every nook and cranny of her body for the role. It seems to me as if the large-breasted Bellucci has been a star since I was a child, but actually she's only 31, so I guess it's an illusion caused by the fact that she made about 25 features in her first decade in films.

Bellucci (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Thoughts on "The Beach" (2000)

After Tuna reviewed The Beach, my review seemed almost like an encomium. So I started to give it some thought. Tuna said it set a standard for bad movies in the new millenium, so I started to wonder how it compares to the legendary really crappy movies of the past.

Among all films made with a reasonable budget, I guess the worst movie I've ever seen was Road House, and I wondered how to compare that to The Beach. I'll handle it like one of those sports page comparisons that they do for the SuperBowl. Remember here that we're ranking them for badness, so "advantage" goes to the worse of the two.

Leading man: even. Patrick Swayze - a guy who had more career than he deserved because he lucked into one megahit (Dirty Dancing), but not a total loser. He turned in some respectable performances in oddball movies like "Wong Foo". Dicaprio also is overrated because of a megahit, but also turned in an accurate performance as Rimbaud in a Total Eclipse.

Pretentiousness: advantage Road House. The Beach includes some muddled, hippie, finding oneself crap, with a bit of a nod to Lord of the Flies, but Road House includes quotations from many of the great philosophers. Hard to top that.

Plot credibility: advantage The Beach. Road House has a bouncer with a PhD in Philosophy, but The Beach has so many holes and continuity errors, that there's no contest.

Cinematography: advantage Road House. The Beach looks better, by far.

Supporting cast: advantage Road House, by a long margin. Road House features both Kevin Tighe and Ben Gazzara. 'Nuff said. Some of the supporting players in The Beach were actually competent. Not sure about Robert Carlyle - maybe a bit over the top, but still overshadowed by Gazzara's high camp baddie.

Watchability: advantage The Beach. The Beach is far less fun to watch. Road House is a movie so bad that it's good. In a way, it's a brilliant comedy, although I don't think the filmmakers were really aware of it at the time. You never have to wait more than a couple minutes for something to make fun of. It's fun to watch. The Beach is just a snoozer.

Verdict: Road House is the winner, and still champion. The Beach is bad, but I don't think it's ready to stand side-by-side with Road House yet. For me, other elements balance out fairly evenly, but the deciding factor was Road House's dark photography and incomparably bad supporting cast. In order to match it, The Beach would have needed a lenscap over the lens and Ryan Phillippe, Kathy Ireland, Rodman and Van Damme. Come to think of it, The Beach would have been a lot more fun with that cast.

One more thought on Rodman and VanDamme. Back when I was young, we thought certain records could never be broken. Nobody could top Ruth's 714, or Gehrig's 2130, and nobody could ever be worse movie buddies than Willie Aames and Chachi. As your Lawdog balloting proved, we were wrong on all three counts.

My guess is the plot and all dialogue were written on a single beverage napkin, and they only used one side. What probably happened is some investment banker in LA cashed in some some stock, and needed a write off to counter act his capital gains taxes.

This movie is a must miss! It doesn't even qualify for the "it's so bad it's good" category! I'll nominate this for the "Dante's Peak" award at the next Scoopy Awards.

How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel?
-When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?
-There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
-A documentary.

How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
-Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?"

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
-The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
-Everyone has the same DNA.

A new law recently passed in North Carolina:
-When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
I-40.

Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says,
"Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"