Video clips: Charlize Theron, Part 3 of 3
I got ambitious and finished off Charlize Theron's career:
- Reindeer Games was a notorious bomb. A thriller made by
John Frankenheimer and budgeted at $42 million, it was so
unpopular with test audiences that it was pulled from its original Christmas
release and re-cut. It was finally released on the last weekend
of February when its various Christmas-themed elements were
completely irrelevant. It opened in a disappointing third place
against weak competition (Snow Days actually moved up two spots
from the previous week and beat Reindeer Games!), and grossed only $23m in its
theatrical run. Critics hated it.
Tuna and I both watched the
"director's cut," which included all the sex and violence that
were removed after the test screenings, and ... what the hell? We kinda thought it was fun to watch.
Review). There are two good nude scenes:
- Clip 1, Charlize and Affleck get it on.
- Clip 2, Charlize takes off her top in the pool for Sinese,
and they go at it a bit while Affleck watches and realizes he's
been had. (Zipped .wmv)
- 2 Days in the Valley is a lurid piece of pulp cinema
in the Tarantino mode. Most critics liked it. I liked this one
as well, but I always seem to like this director's movies much
better than anyone else does.
Review). This was Charlize's first credited role, and her
first nudity. Although we associate her with the "girl next
door" roles in mainstream studio movies, she played the bad girl
in this one! The two nude scenes are together here, since the
first one only is about two seconds long - just a photograph of
Charlize nekkid. After that, we see Charlize and Spader go at it
for quite some time. (Zipped .wmv)
- The Yards is a realistic movie about real gangsters
doing real gangster shit, as opposed to the usual movie-style
gangsters. Since the real world stuff usually involves lots of
bribes and threats of exposure, as opposed to machine guns,
torture, and dramatic shoot-outs. I liked the movie for trying
to tell the truth, but both Tuna and James Berardinelli reminded
me of my own axiom that the truth is highly overrated when it
comes to movie entertainment. Point taken.
I suppose most objective observers would conclude that it's a
pretty freakin' boring movie.. (Movie House
Review). Just a brief flash of breasts from a love scene
with Johnny Cash (Zipped .wmv)
- If I say that this is the nudity from Waking Up in Reno, I
will be doubly misleading, since there's no real nudity, and
this scene was not actually in the movie. It's from the deleted
scenes. Nonetheless, one may see almost all of the Theron
bottom, so it makes the cut for our recap.
(Zipped .wmv) As
for the movie, I wrote that it "... starts out as a not-too-funny redneck farce comedy, but
eventually makes a major tone shift and becomes a not-even-tryin'-to-be-funny
soap opera, then takes another left turn into a Hollywood romantic
comedy with a sappy-happy
ending. Dabbling in everything, it doesn't really stay with
anything long enough to establish cred." Miramax gave up on it
and released it in 200 theaters, where it didn't gross enough to
pay Thornton's bar tab.
- Two strange elements about
it: (1) an A-list cast agreed to do this movie about two
white-trash couples traveling to a "monster truck" show (2)
Penelope Cruz, at the nadir of her career, had about three lines
as "Spanish hooker in bar." (Movie House
Third party video clip ... Liv Ullmann
Liv Ullmann and Max von Sydow may be the two biggest stars in
the history of Scandinavia (although Stellan Skarsgaard and Peter
Stormare are certainly contenders who are better known to us in
recent decades), and Ingmar Bergman is certainly Scandinavia's
most important director. Bergman directed 1968's Skammen, which
starred both Ullmann and von Sydow, thus making the film a bit of
a historical landmark for the frozen north. More important,
29-year-old Ullmann walked around with her jubblies hanging out,
something which was not a common occurrence.
(Zipped .avi - sample
Survival Island (aka Three) 2005
I'd like to know how many times commercial filmmakers are going to
remake The Admirable Crichton. I, for one, have been sick of these desert
island class-reversal films since before many of you were born.
You never heard of The Admirable Crichton? I suppose I never would have
either, had I not I majored in English Lit, with a specialty in Modern
British and Irish Drama. (Very useful for making a living, right? Of
course, that was the late sixties, when making a living was considered a
sell-out.) At any rate, it is a play written by the same odd little man
who wrote Peter Pan, J.M. Barrie, and the two plays were written at about
the same time, just after the turn of the century. You can
read the play online if you really care to, for it is in the public
The plot was essentially this:
Rich couple gets shipwrecked with their butler. In the new
social dynamic created on
the island, the butler becomes the leader, because he is the only one with
the grit and intelligence for survival. The aristocrats take orders
from him. When everyone is saved, the Lords and Ladies return to their
high station, and Crichton goes back to being a butler.
If your girlfriend wants to drag you to this play, don't
count on any hot butler-on-girl action. This was not a predecessor of Red
Shoe Diaries, although the condescending Lady did eventually find herself
falling in love with her dynamic, ingenious butler - but only until they
were rescued. J.M. Barrie was not much interested in sex, if at all.
Although he married, some of his biographers have suggested that his
marriage was never consummated and that he died a virgin. The relationship
between Barrie's life and his most famous concept, a juvenile frozen in
boyhood, would certainly have been an interesting topic for the analytical
skills of his contemporary, Dr. Freud, because Barrie himself never grew
up in many ways. He stopped growing in boyhood (he was about five feet
tall), and apparently never developed any adult sexual capability. "Boys
cannot love" is how he was said to have explained his impotence to his
wife Mary, shortly before she divorced his tiny ass. In other words, he
wasn't anything like Johnny Depp in that movie.
The Admirable Crichton itself has been made into several eponymous
motion pictures, the first one coming out of the silent film era, and the
memorable starring Kenneth More as Crichton. As the twentieth century
progressed and the leisure classes developed an ever-increasing interest
in sex, various filmmakers with a healthier libido than Mr. Barrie started
to realize that the entire dynamic of The Admirable Crichton really ought
to have a sexual component. After all, as the "dominant male" on the
island, wouldn't Crichton also get the hottest babe(s)?
Enter Lina Wertmuller and her "Swept Away ..." in 1974, in which the
guy from the lower classes asserts his complete domination over the Lady
when they get shipwrecked. He knows she can't survive unless he provides
for her, and she knows it too, so he uses this advantage for his
amusement, beating her, abusing her, raping her, turning her into his
menial slave, and so forth. Swept Away was remade by Guy Ritchie into a notorious stinker in 2002.
Ritchie chose unwisely to feature a certain non-actress named
Madonna as the rich bitch. I doubt if he had many options, since he was
married to her.
The most recent version of the story was called Three in the
theaters for its European release, or Survival Island in the Region 1 DVD
release. Here's how it told the tale:
A rich couple (Billy
Zane and Kelly Brook) take a private yacht into the
South Seas. It sinks. What is the deal with Billy Zane and boats? This is
the fourth film in which he has been on a sinking ship! (Dead Calm,
Titanic, Cleopatra). At any rate, Zane is nowhere to be seen when Kelly
washes ashore on L'isle D'Gilligan with Manuel, the hired hand. The usual
Admirable Crichton dynamic takes over. Manuel is the one with survival
skills, and he's a horny guy, so she becomes dependent on the handsome
hunk. This actually seems to be
working out quite well until the scriptwriter remembers that the
Gilligan's Island theme song mentions "the millionaire and his wife."
Enter the millionaire, who washes up on the same island. Oh, you know it's
gonna get nasty in a "two men enter, one man leaves" kind of way, except
that this island thunderdome involves Zany Bill instead of Mad Max.
Zane goes mad imagining his wife shagging
enthusiastically with the other guy, so he hatches a very convoluted
revenge plot. First he finds the hull of a boat, and seems to be planning
to leave alone, so the other two steal the boat and leave Zane behind. As
it turns out, that was exactly what he wanted. He is the only one of the
three who knew that the boat was not seaworthy, and it sinks! The plot
twists continue in the same vein when Brook and the other guy swim back.
North American distributors were afraid, very afraid.
Not only did the film seem to be yet another rehash of the megabomb Swept
Away, but writer/director Stewart Rafill had previously created two of
IMDb's all-time bottom 100, and a near miss!
- (3.48) -
Tammy and the T-Rex
(1994), written and directed by Rafill.
- (2.85) -
Mac and Me (1988) -
#74 on the bottom 100, written and directed by Rafill.
- (2.67) -
Mannequin: On the Move
(1991) - #55 on the bottom 100, directed by Rafill, scripted
Those distributors were right to be frightened. It is,
as expected, a very weak movie. Rafill didn't even seem to try on this
film. Not only is it too similar to Swept Away, but it's missing even the
most fundamental elements of continuity. In the very first skinny-dipping
scene, for example, Kelly Brook takes off her bikini bottom, and we see
her naked bum as she enters the water. As she leaves, only a minute or two
later, it is clear that she is still wearing the bottom - even though the
servant - on camera in the background - is yelling "nice ass, senora!" (You
can see this exact moment in collage #5 below, as well as the entire
sequence in the "daytime skinny-dipping" scene.)
Oh yeah, and there's a voodoo curse involved as well, prompting various
irrelevant cutaways to frenzied, drum-driven island rituals, all of which
seem to be from a completely different movie. (You can see some of this in
the sex scene between Zane and Brook.)
Three's distribution was further complicated by the fact
Billy Zane was rumored to be
doing everything he could to block its
uncut release after he and Brook
became a real-life couple. It seem that there was some dispute about nude scenes
in which Ms Brook shows off a nicely rounded bum and a very generous chest! Perhaps
greatest problem was that many of the sex scenes involve Brook loving long-time
with a hunky guy from Argentina named Juan Di Pace. Whatever Zane's
arguments may have been, they seem to have had no legal merit, and the
film is now available on DVD. It never did get a North American run in the
theaters, but it somehow managed a theatrical run in the UK, prompting a
"As preposterous as they come, Three is unremittingly -
though unintentionally - hilarious. If you like rubbernecking,
this is a five-star shipwreck. Hamfisted, boneheaded,
leaden-footed and breast-obsessed, Three encompasses a whole
physiology of awfulness. Ms Brook is by no means the worst
thing in this picture: her co-star and the pestilent script
will battle that one out. Zane plumbs new depths of overacting
in a bloated, reeling waddle towards psychopathy that can only
be explained as an attempt to make his real life fiancée look
good. You can sense that the filmmakers were trying to rev up
some kind of archetypal, raw, conflict-driven erotic energy -
what they ended up with was Showgirls meets Blue Lagoon. With
its hysterical attempts at suspense, its collossally absurd
voodoo subplot, and its increasingly flailing efforts at
sexual distraction, the dreadful Three represents one hundred
of the funniest minutes you will ever spend in a cinema. "
By the way, although the BBC review said it
was to be released in the UK on May 5, 2006, the British box
results for that weekend show no sign of it.
Uwe Boll is ready to pound the shit out of five of his harshest critics
"Paramount Pictures is ending its 14-year relationship with Tom Cruise's film production company because of the actor's offscreen behavior
In this classic footage from 1944, the Ross sisters, Aggie, Maggie and Elmira, sing and contort all over the place. The contortion is what you're interested in.
Daily Show: Karr on a Plane
Part 1- Stewart. So much can happen with a Lex Luthor-like super villain like John Mark Karr on a plane
Part 2 - Corddry reports from the plane
President Bush just can't understand why he hasn't gotten a "Thank You" card from the Iraqi people.
The Daily Show's Samantha Bee investigates whether snakes on a plane could motherfucking happen here.
This week's movies. None of these are reviewed yet except Idlewild, and the reviews for that are weak so far.
Beerfest - 2800 theaters- lowbrow comedy from Broken Lizard (Super Troopers)
Invincible - 2400 theaters - Disney sports film about the guy who made the Eagles through open try-outs.
How to Eat Fried Worms - 1800 theaters - junior high school kid takes on a bully
Idlewild - 900 theaters - hip-hop musical.
Little Miss Sunshine expands to 1400 theaters.
The Weekend Warrior's predictions for the weekend box office
He's predicting a weekend with no solid winners. The inspirational Disney sports film du jour is expected to take the #1 slot with a not-so-inspirationsl #13 million. Beerfest is expected to finish second, but with less than $10 million.
If all of his predictions were to be accurate, the weekend's grosses would be about even with last year's, maybe down just a hair.
The future of newspapers?
Flexible E-Paper SVGA Display
ESPN's analysis of the Madden '07 ratings
The best line? "90 -- Brett Favre's morale rating. This one is right on. Playing against Brett Favre is absolutely fantastic for a team's morale."
NFL All-Star Cheerleaders 2006 Pics and Bio (Gee, I wonder which contributor sent that in.)
You think you can make a better Superhero movie than the ones on the big screen? Well, these guys did.
The paparazzi caught a celebrity in a bikini, and it's not Lohan! (Kate Beckinsale) (Not much meat on Kate's bones, but what there is - Grade-A Prime)
"Today's the anniversary of Elvis Presley's death, so celebrate by glutting yourself on his favorite sandwich: the Fool's Gold Loaf." (It's basically peanut butter, grape jelly, and bacon.)
The 10 Coolest Cell Phones
Dresses made of colorful condoms.
Lindsay Lohan admits to having sex with Satan
Why are rat testicles so big?
"The Debut of RoboDump"
Celebrities Without Makeup
This is pretty funny ... Fellowship 9/11, Michael Moore parody
A high-res picture of San Francisco after the great earthquake
George Carlin - Back in Town - 1996
Ten clips from The Last Kiss (2006), Zack Braff's new movie, which was written by Paul Haggis (Crash).
Nine clips from Beerfest (2006)
What's everybody watching? YouTube
Bush Promotes Iran to Axis of Eviler ... Calls Iranian President Ahmadinejad 'Evilerdoer'
"Top Ten Signs Osama Bin Laden Is In Love With You"
He carved your initials in an infidel
You say you enjoy Barry Manilow -- next day he sends you Barry Manilow's ear
Orders 1 goat milk, 2 straws
Says only thing hotter than your body is his scorching hatred for the Zionists
Al-Maliki Statement: Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Talabani Delivers Heartfelt "Thank You" To Super-Competent American Occupiers - (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)
Russia's beautiful mind: Reclusive life of a math genius
Scientist: Dolphins are stupid
Arizona man stung to death by "killer" bees
Submitter wrote: "I'll give the editor credit for not being judgmental, but considering the rest of the headline, are the quotation marks really necessary?"
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format.
Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
Merry Maids of the Gay Way (1953)
Ding Dong (1951) is another burlesque film, this one shot at the Moulin
Rouge in Oakland, California. It takes its name from one of the comedy
sketches, that is in turn stolen from a bawdy song:
The Balham Vicar
There was a Balham vicar who said to his curate John
"I bet I've had more women than you,"
And the curate said, "you're wrong." Well
We will stand outside the church this day, this will be our sign:
You'll "ding a ding" for the women you've had,
And I'll "Ding a dong" for mine, for mine,
And I'll "Ding a dong" for mine.
Well, there were more "ding-a-dings:, and ding-a-ding dongs
Till a pretty young bird came by.
And the curate went "Ding Dong."
"Oh, " said the vicar, "Don't ding-a-dong there.
That's my wife, I do declare"
"Hell" said the curate, "I don't care"
Ding-a-ding-a-dong, ding, dong, ding dong
Ding-a-ding-a-dong ding, dong."
Compared to Merry Maids last night, this is generally not as good. The
comedians aren't as funny, the women are not as fit and mostly don't dance as
well. The good news, however, is that several of the women show buns through
- The cast includes Pat Flannery, Little Audrey, Doreen, Iva Pratt, Joe
Ann, Jennie Lee and the headliner, Illona.
On the same DVD are several shorts:
- Slick Chicks (1952) including Tagore, Betty Briggs, Doris DeLaye and
- Strip for Action (1951) including Loraine Lane, Muriel Taylor and Toni
- Strip Strip Hooray! (1952) including Beverly Reynard, Marsha Wayne,
Paula D'Arcy and Robin Jewel.
5 IMDb readers give it a perfect 1. Unfair. The proper score is D+. It has
both strip routines and comedy sketches, meeting genre requirements, but the
video quality leaves something to be desired.
All in all, this Something Weird DVD is well worth the price if you are
interested in the world of burlesque. I will give the package a high C.
Commentary would have elevated it to a high C+.
RokWatch wrote: "A very nice person posted
some German HDTV episodes of "Unhappily Ever After." This
Nikki Cox collage is from one of those
episodes. Check out the blouse's back: if there is a bra hidden I am
impressed by the technology. If no bra, I am deeply impressed by the front
of the blouse."
Crystal Cass in
The Outer Limits
Natasha Henstridge in
The Outer Limits
Tara Spencer-Nairn in
The Outer Limits
Linda Hardy in Immoral
Franka Potente in I Love
Pat's comments in yellow...
It's finally happened: Tom Cruise has become too weird even for Hollywood.
After 14 years, Paramount has severed its deal with Cruise's production company
and ordered them off the studio lot. Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone told the Wall
St. Journal that the studio thinks Cruise's recent behavior - jumping on Oprah's
couch, denouncing psychiatry, promoting Scientology, having a mysterious, unseen
baby with Katie Holmes - was "unacceptable," alienated fans, and contributed to
the disappointing box office for "Mission Impossible III." Also, Cruise
reportedly refused to accept a less-lucrative renewal deal.
* So, if he'd been a bizarre, off-putting, zealous loon
who worked cheaper, they would've kept him!
A National Cancer Institute study of more than 500,000 Americans age 50-71 found
that being just a little bit overweight increases your risk of death. A recent
CDC study claimed that a few extra pounds seemed to make no difference, but
experts say it was flawed because it included people with preexisting health
problems that make you skinny. But this newer, much larger study found that
otherwise healthy non-smoking Baby Boomers who were just a little pudgy were 20
to 40 percent more likely to die than normal weight people.
* Of course, by American standards, Ruben Studdard is
"just a little
Today on CBS' "Early Show," the producers of "Survivor" will announce the new
twist they've come up with to keep the show fresh, and it might be
controversial. According to the reality TV show website RealityBlurred.com, an
Internet rumor has been "pretty much confirmed" that the contestants will be
divided up into tribes by race, with whites, blacks, Asians and Hispanics
competing against each other. Donald Trump reportedly considered something
similar for "The Apprentice," but decided against it.
* Because everybody would know that the Asian was gonna
* They'll be given nearly impossible tasks...For instance, the white tribe
will have to dance, and the black tribe will have to hail a cab.
Iran had said it would give a reply to the world on August 22, and many
claimed that was a major Islamic date that signaled the worst, even nuclear
Armageddon. But it turned out to be an announcement that Iran is now ready for
"serious talks" with the UN about defusing their nuclear
* It was hailed as a major victory for the illusion of
P. Diddy and his girlfriend announced that they are expecting their
* Proving that Kevin Federline does share one talent
with a famous rapper
Barbara Eden is 72 today, although her TV character from "I Dream of Jeannie"
was born on April 1, 64 B.C.
* So "Jeannie" is actually the same age as Cher.