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"Vampire Queen"

Vampire Queen (2002 video) was an added feature on a Surrender Cinema title called Muffy the Vampire Slayer. I was hoping for something as capable as Playmate of the Apes, but it turned out to be a terrible transfer of some old vampire film that was unwatchable. Vampire Queen isn't much, but is, at least, capable. Clearly shot on digital video in someone's living room (you can see the picture hook on the wall where they took down a painting to keep it off camera), it features a great look at Darian Caine's tattoos (as well as all three Bs), and Kelly Summers, a new name to me, showing the same three Bs.

A comic book artist his having a lonely 50th birthday, when his publisher sends him an escort as a birthday present. When Debbie Rochon, vampire queen, knocks on the door, he assumes she is the escort. She bites his neck, and commands him to go forth and multiply. He bites the escort, Caine, and then Caine infects Summers, although we don't find out where they got her. Then Rochon shows up, adds the tidbit she forgot, that she is a lesbian vampire, thanks him for the recruiting, and takes the women with her.

This was nothing more than a quick short to fill up the DVD, but the Surrender girls all, as they put it, "lick pussie,' and are not hard to look at. C-.

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  • Darian Caine (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
  • Kelli Summers (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

    "Resurrection of Eve"

    Resurrection of Eve (1973) is a Mitchell Brothers production from the Golden Era of porn, and features the 99 99/100% pure Marilyn Chambers. As the film starts, we see Eve at 13, nearly seduced by a friend of her dead father. Then Eve is shacking up with a radio DJ. After a fight over his jealousy, she leaves, and puts her face through a windshield in an auto accident. The plastic surgeon does an incredible job, and she is far more lovely than before, so the DJ marries her. After several months of happiness, he decides they should attend swing parties. She is against it, but gives in, and spends the first one hiding in the bathroom. The second one, she participates, but doesn't enjoy it. After a while, she gets into the spirit. The more she enjoys it, the more hubby wants to stop.

    The young Eve is played by Nancy Weich, who shows a gynocam shot. Pre accident Eve is Mimi Morgan, who shows all three Bs, and the new improved Eve is played by Chambers, who also shows everything. The credits list dozens of swing party attendees, and many of them show body parts at the swing parties. Johnny Keys from Behind the Green Door plays a boxer that Eve ends up having sex with at the party.

    Even if the film were otherwise unwatchable, it would be worth it to see Chambers at her best in good light. Mitchel Brothers films were aimed at a couples market, even though they were hard core, making this a good date film if your date is open minded. C+.

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  • Marilyn Chambers (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
  • Mimi Morgan (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
  • Nancy Weich (1, 2, 3)
  • Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)


    At the moment, Sirens is only available in a primitive, featureless, letterboxed version. Even that looks great, but I read that a special edition DVD is on the way, although I don't have any details for you at the moment. While we wait for the other, let us remember. For those of you who live on Mars, Sirens is the Holy Grail of celebrity nudity (1) watchable movie, filmed well (2) every woman does full-frontal nudity in clear light (3) they are beautiful women (4) they are famous women. It'll take me days to do it all. Today's segment: Portia de Rossi


    Other crap

    Scoopy's Top 7 differences between Bush and Churchill

    • Churchill read entire books, even the kind without pop-ups

    • Churchill sometimes even read books with no pictures

    • When Churchill did read books with pictures, they were already colored in

    • Churchill even wrote books

    • Churchill had reason to believe that Hitler's replacement would be better

    • Churchill said funny things on purpose

    and the number #1 distinction between them:

    • Churchill spoke English




    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Graphic Response
    • Brigitte Bako, topless in love scenes from Zalman King's "Red Shoe Diaries".
    • Britt Ekland, actress, Bond Babe, girlfriend of the stars in the 70's...topless in scenes from "The Wicker Man" (1973). (the rear nudity here is possibly a body double)
    • Ingrid Pitt, almost full frontal nudity in "The Wicker Man".

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

    MTV Video Music Awards
    A quickie from last night's Awards show.
    • Britney Spears...didn't I see this outfit on

    'Caps and commetns by Brainscan:

    Picture this. Good gal cops played by righteously beautiful women who made their names by posing nekkid. Bad gal gangster played by soft-core pornster. Guns, serious butt kicking, karate, inept male counterparts to both good and bad gals, car chases, more butt kicking, lame humor, action-packed ending in which all the bad guys and gals get their just desserts. What ya got? Andy Sidaris, right? Hard Ticket to Hawaii? Picasso Trigger? Dona Speir, Hope Marie Carlton and Julie Strain? Unnnnnhhh, but thank-you for playing. Tis a Japanese movie entitle Metropolitan Police Bureau 82. Playing the part of Dona Speir is Chieko Shiratori, a major babe with three books of nekkid pictures to her credit. She plays a terrific part, a tough as nails, chain-smoking, take no prisoners cop who every man wants and she damn well knows it. Uses it, too. Playing the part of uber-cutie Hope Marie Carlton is ultra-uber-cutie Tomomi Kuribayashi. Both show the goodies. In fact, Chieko shows more goodies than she intended. Bad gal is played by Hitomi Shimizu, much scrawnier than Julie Strain, but a veteran of many soft-core features. Today is Chieko's day.

    First scene, three collages: Chieko and Tomomi are forced to strip by inept male bad guys, but wind up killing all the baddies. Chieko's character takes the order to strip with a disdain she will show throughout the movie for all things male. We get to see her first-class natural hooties in a nice a-peeling sequence.

    Okay, the next collages come from a mid-movie scene in which Chieko starts off with karate and gun-toting exercises whilst in her BVDs only. We get guns, both metal and natural. Then we move to some semi-nude tai-chi, again showing off Chieko's el primo frame.

    • Chieko Shiratori (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

    Alrightee then. While she's exercising, the Man from Glad or some other nimrod dressed in a white suit shows up with a gun to knock off Chieko's character. Collages 13 & 14 shows her plan of escape: distract the bozo by removing the knickers. The thought and sight of Chieko's furry parts reduces this veteran assassin to the mental state of an arthropod.

    She proceeds to kick his ass. So, in #14 and #15 you get to see Chieko's slender hips and tush.

    Well, guys, now comes a treat. The Man from Glad runs away and with the camera positioned at about ankle level we track the butt-nekkid Chieko in pursuit through the next few collages. So,okay: you see lots more of Chieko's bum, but.....since her, ya know, legs well, they move during the act of running... you get occasional peeks at Chieko's privates. Now, we're not talking about a Hustler video here, but there is no question that you a get at look Chieko few have previously enjoyed. So enjoy, why don't you?

    • Chieko Shiratori (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    Last collage has Chieko letting the guy go so she can run to her phone. Despite it all, she is still a typical woman. More views of her bum are the result.

    Britney Spears A nice pose of the pop princess showing off her abs.

    Christina Applegate
    Selma Blair and
    Cameron Diaz
    At "The Sweetest Thing" premiere. No nudity, just three gorgeous celebs in black.

    Ehrinn Cummings A great full frontal scan of the model, by FinnCap.

    Heidi Klum See-thru nipple sightings as the über-babe appears soaking wet on the cover of the German GQ.

    Mari Perankoski 'Caps of the Finnish actress wearing a bra in scenes from the series "Kalapuikkokeitto".

    Silke Topless in scenes from "Tuno Negro", by FinnCap.

    Ashley Judd
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
    Mira Sorvino
    (1, 2)

    Judd and Sorvino showing some skin in the made for cable biopic "Norma Jean & Marilyn".

    Judd goes topless as well as shows some partial rear nudity and a hint of bush. Sorvino also bares breasts, plus a bit of bum. 'Caps by the Skin-man.

    From the Mail Bag

    Do you know whether or not there is an original french version of "L'Animal" with Raquel Welch available anywhere? Also, does she appear topless or nude in that version? There are numerous places in the Front Row Entertainment version I have that appear to be leading to her removing some clothing but then it goes nowhere. The scenes just end. Seems like bad editing to me, so maybe....?

    -Rawhide Kid