Friday

Tuna
"See No Evil, Hear No Evil"

See No Evil, Hear No Evil (1989) is an Arther Hiller comedy staring Richard Pryor as a blind man (Wally), and Gene Wilder as a deaf man (Dave). It is the second film in which Hiller brought the two together. Pryor has nine miles of attitude and is a compulsive gambler who tries to hide the fact that he is blind. Dave, adept at lip reading, tries to convince everyone that he can hear. Dave runs a smoke shop/magazine stand, and Wally goes to him looking for a job. Wally's bookie shows up, but Wally is outside, some thugs for an industrial spy that the bookie is carrying a fake gold coin for come for the coin, and the female member (Joan Severance) of the duo shoots him, but not before he ditches the coin (actually a new room temperature super-conductor) in a coin box on the counter. Dave sees her legs, and Wally smells her perfume, and the cops arrest the boys for the murder.

The bad people figure out that the boys have the coin, and try to get them out of jail. Meanwhile, the boys stage an escape, and decide to solve the case themselves. Severance shows buns in a shower behind a frosted door, and breasts leaning out of the shower to get something out of her bag, which Wilder is trying to steal at the time to get the "coin" back. In the 4/3 version, which is full negative. We also get a long look at her breasts when Dave pretends his erection is a gun, and makes her put her hands up, dropping her towel.

IMDB readers have this at 5.7 of 10, and critics show 14% favorable at Rotten Tomatoes., with a big thumbs down from Ebert as the only top critic. The film grossed $46.9M, with another $20M in rentals. I thoroughly enjoyed this film. Not every gag worked, but some of them were laugh out loud funny, and I liked both cantankerous characters. In one of my two favorite scenes, Wally is in a bar fight, with Dave helping him avoid punches, and telling him where to punch. In another, a police photographer is driven to distraction having Wally tell Dave to face forward, and not move. The correct score is probably C- for this slapstick comedy, but I found it great fun.

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  • Joan Severance (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Forever Mine (1999)

    Sometimes it is important to give credit where credit is due. Cinematographers often have to sit back and watch their best work ignored because the movie just wasn't much good. A perfect example is The Patriot, from a couple of years back. That movie is photographed about as well as a movie can be, and cinematographer Caleb Deschanel was recognized by his fellow cinematographers as the king of the hill that year, although the Oscar went to another film. Has there ever been a case where the Oscars overlooked a crap script and gave the cinematographer his just due? After all, it wasn't Caleb's fault that the script wasn't that good.

    The poor cinematographer for Forever Mine is the protagonist of the same story, except times three. This film had so many problems that his beautiful print never even got released theatrically, despite a 2.35 aspect ratio which can't be appreciated except on a big screen. I ridiculed the movie unmercifully when it came to DVD, in one of my funnier and nastier commentaries. The script is in the fast lane to Cliche City, despite having been written by one of Hollywood's best screenwriters, Paul Shrader, who wrote three Martin Scorsese films, including two masterpieces, Taxi Driver and Raging Bull.

    But now I need to say this, to balance off the ledger. Cinematographer John Bailey did a magnificent job on this film. The film was shot to be projected at a 2.35 aspect ratio, which is outrageous for a movie never seen in a theater. Of course, they didn't know it would go straight-to-cable when they filmed it. As bad as the movie is, I would pay to see it on a big screen, for two reasons (1) Bailey's photography is motherfuckin' incredible - look at the colors on the top of collage #1 (2) Gretchen Mol is naked at about every possible opportunity, with a master photographer runnin' the camera.

    By the way, this was no isolated fluke for Mr. Bailey, as you might guess. He has never won an Oscar, or even a nomination, but he's shot some very fine films in his career, (He probably should have been nominated for an Oscar for his work on The Big Chill, and he has shot some terrific offbeat stuff, like Cat People and Groundhog Day.)

    • Gretchen Mol (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    The Rat Pack (2000)

     

    Another couple of things I missed the first time through this movie (sort of a Sinatra biopic, which I enjoyed) ...

    Don Cheadle did an awesome job in this film as Sammy Davis Jr., and Deborah Unger, who doesn't normally look that much like Ava Gardner,  looked exactly like Ava Gardner in this movie.

     

    Other crap:

    • There is female nudity in the trailer for Terminator 3
    • Great article for baseball fans. The point: 500 foot homers in indoor stadiums at sea level are not physically possible. Given the limitations on bat speed, gravity, and the parabolic arc of trajectory, the limit is around 470 feet. McGuire's famous 538 foot blast off of Randy, said by some to be the longest ever seen, actually landed 439 feet from home plate, and it was 59 feet above the ground when it touched down, so it would have landed 474 feet from home if allowed to fall to the ground uninterrupted by seating. Mantle's famous 565 foot blast in Griffith Stadium is probably the longest ball ever hit, and actually traveled only 506 feet, despite being aided by a vicious wind blowing out. (It is possible for a ball to exceed 475 feet, but it requires wind, or altitude, or both.)
    • Anna Kournikova will start playing in the satellite tournaments instead of the big events. Woman's wrestling events will be coming next on her schedule.
    • Silence! aka Silence of the Lambs: The Musical. Featuring the toe-tappin' Top 40 hit, "If I Could Smell Her Cunt", which features such lines as "If I could smell her cunt, perhaps I could taste humanity again". This parody is a masterpiece - amazingly well done.
    • Madame Tussaud introduces the first wax likeness with a squeezeable bottom. Sorry, it's not Kylie, but Brad Pitt.
    • about five years ago, we used to get plenty of pictures from the Naked Mile at the University of Michigan. There were hundreds of participants and thousands of spectators. This year, five people ran, and they were all arrested immediately.
    • Madonna thwarts internet file-sharing of new album by flooding the P2P networks with fakes. Some of the false mp3's just feature her saying "what the fuck are you doing?" She has a right to do that, I suppose, but she sure isn't making friends that way. For a woman who was once considered a genius at public relations, she now seems to make every move designed to eradicate all that PR equity she worked so many years to build.
    • Interesting. Did you even wonder why radio station call letters begin with K in California, W in Florida, but may be either in Oklahoma? Here's the lowdown.
    • Saddam raps
    • Iraqi Info Guy gets his own talking action figure. It's true, we really do live in a post-ironic world.
    • Signs carved into 8,600-year-old tortoise shells found in China may be mankind's earliest written words, fully 2000 years before the oldest previously known. Scientists will be able to confirm once they can ask Cher what she remembers about them.
    • which country has the most beautiful women? Is is no mistake that Venezuela is at or near the top of these lists. The unique development of their country's bloodlines has produced a beautiful group of people. I suppose I've been in about 100 countries, and Venezuela would have made my Top Three. In my jaunts through South America, I thought the women of Venezuela to be just as consistently beautiful as the ones in Brazil. Hungary does not appear on the list, but I was also dazzled by the women there, and the spectacular Hungarian women have traditionally been prized brides for Austrians, Slavs, and others.
      • I've pointed this out before, but if you're a young guy looking to party with beautiful women, Brazil and Venezuela are not for you unless you are blond. If you are blond, the women will be curious about you. If not, the women won't give you a second look because the men there are also very good looking, and the upper and middle class guys stay perfectly groomed, in great shape, tan and healthy. Lots of average guys on the street are movie star handsome, so you'll have about as good a chance with the women as Rodney Dangerfield would have of winning a Pierce Brosnan lookalike contest.
      • Hungary should be your destination. The women are gorgeous and well-scrubbed, but the men never smile and have the grooming habits of  ZZ Top. If you look even reasonably presentable, lots of gorgeous women will be interested in you.

    Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Mr. Nude Celeb
    'Caps by Mr. Nude Celeb, 2 minute review by me, Scoopy Jr.

    Only in Hollywood! I would have loved to have been in on the pitch meeting where someone said...

    "Keanu Reeves is a hot shot southern lawyer, and Al Pacino is the Devil. Pacino tempts Reeves with money and power, but in the end, Keanu outsmarts the Devil!
    Amazingly, unlike most Tinseltown projects where studios put big names with average scripts and hope for box office gold, this is one of the rare instances where the formula worked! Not only did the movie make a few bucks at the box office, it's become a favorite on the TNT network, and personally I think it's a great movie. Pacino overacts his way into a fantastic performance as the Devil, Keanu wasn't all that bad and best of all, there was plenty of nudity!
    • Charlize Theron, topless and full frontal nudity. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    • Connie Nielsen, topless, full frontal and rear nudity. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    • Tamara Tunie, topless (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Variety
    Lindsey Connell Topless in scenes from "Hypercube: Cube 2" (2002)

    'Caps and additional comments by Dann:

    The sequel to 1997's "Cube", the story's basically the same; a group of people are trapped in a cube they can't get out of, and don't know why. This is the kind of movie you either love or hate, and I loved it; this is top-flight Sci-Fi, in my mind.

    PenÚlope Cruz
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Topless in the original version of "Vanilla Sky", the Spanish movie called "Abre los ojos" aka "Open Your Eyes" (1997).
    Eva Habermann
    (1, 2)

    Upskirt and topless views from the German actress in scenes from an episode of "Nicht Ohne Meinen Anwalt".

    Francine Locke
    (1, 2)

    Topless and rear nudity in her one and only screen appearance as the dream girl in the shower from "Risky Business" (1983).

    Caroline Ducey
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    Explicit 'caps of the French actress baring all! Including some gyno-cam views and bj scenes. Vidcaps from the 1999 movie "Romance"

    Lori Jo Hendrix
    (1, 2)

    Full frontal and rear nudity from something called "Heavenly Hooters".

    Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    MAN ATTACKS MALL EASTER BUNNY
    Harvey Wallbanger - The Wausau, Wisconsin, Daily Herald reports that Travis Peterson was working as the Easter Bunny at the Wausau Center Mall when he was assaulted. As shocked children looked on, an apparently drunken man hopped into Peterson's lap, put him in a headlock and punched him three times in the mouth. The big Bunny head cushioned the blows, but Peterson got some flakes of paint in his eye. Police arrested a 21-year-old man. They suspect he was trying to show off for friends.

  • But his friends thought that beating up the Easter Bunny was about as pathetic as you can get.
  • He's been listening to much hip-hop.
  • That guy sounds like a bad egg.


    NEW YORKERS TRY "SLAVERCISE"
    The Stare Mistress - The new fitness fad in New York City is "Slavercise," a class run by a dominatrix named Mistress Victoria who mixes exercise with sadomasochism. She threatens to spank her students if they don't work hard enough, and constantly insults and badgers them, saying, "I don't want to hear any whimpering. You're here to suffer." She explained, "Anybody is going to pay more attention to their fitness instructor if she's got a riding crop in her hand and is wearing leather and stilettos."

  • Richard Simmons couldn't agree more.
  • If you really want to suffer, try exercising in black leather and stilettos.
  • If you'd rather die than do one more leg lift, Mistress Victoria can accommodate you.
  • Aren't ALL aerobics classes a mixture of exercise and sadomasochism?
  • Take away the riding crop, leather and stilettos and it sounds like she's just another High School football coach.


    MISS NUDE WORLD CONTEST COMING TO DES MOINES
    You Really Oughta Give Iowa A Try! - Des Moines, Iowa, has been chosen as the site for this year's Miss Nude World contest in October. 75 nude dancers from around the world will perform for up to 10,000 people at a big strip club called the Lumber Yard. A spokesman for the Des Moines Convention and Visitors Bureau said it's not the kind of event they'd endorse, but he guesses that anything that brings visitors to town is "somewhat positive."

  • He can finally advertise that people come to Des Moines to see the mountains.
  • Usually in Des Moines, guys who go to the Lumber Yard for stripping are just looking for varnish remover.
  • 10,000 men and 75 strippers! That Lumber Yard's gonna have a lot of wood!
  • The contest has only one rule: "No naked Iowans!"


    PAUL McCARTNEY'S COLD GERMS FOR SALE
    Coming Up - Beatles fan Ian Mears of London claims he caught a cold or flu from Paul McCartney when he met him earlier this month. So he's cashing in by offering Paul's germs for sale on eBay. Mears said successful bidders will receive their germs by mail in a "resealable bag that I will cough into, or if preferred, they can have a plastic container full of mucus." After two days, it had attracted two bids, the highest for 1.2 pounds ($1.89 US).

  • Sorry, $1.89 doesn't even cover the reserve price for an ordinary bag of mucus.
  • If you've ever explored eBay, you know that lots of people WOULD buy a bag of mucus.
  • He's hoping to attract a buyer who already has John, George and Ringo's mucus and needs to complete the set.


    MICHAEL MOORE OSCAR EXCUSE #5!
    Pot Calls Kettle Black! Film At 11! - Michael Moore is accusing CNN of manipulating the audio on rerun clips of his Oscar speech to make the booing sound loud and constant when "in reality, there was only marginal booing often overridden with cheers and applause." He demanded a full investigation of this "clear and shocking example of unethical behavior through manipulation of an historic event."

  • The only person who's allowed to do that is Michael Moore!
  • He also released a tape of Charlton Heston demanding a full investigation, spliced together from several NRA speeches.
  • This is tough...Who to believe: the liar who claims he wasn't booed, or the network that takes orders from Saddam Hussein?