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"Almejas y mejillones"

Almejas y mejillones (2000) is a joint Argentine/Spanish romantic comedy starring the amazing Argentinean, Leticia Brédice. Translated Clams and Mussels, the title has a double meaning, actually referring to the "bearded clam" and "love muscle." This was a little tough to watch for me, as the promised English sub-titles didn't exist, but, with persistence, and a little help from Scoop translating the official web site plot summary, I got through it.

Jorge Sanz as Rolando is an anal retentive biologist specializing in the sex life of mussels. After his wife abruptly left him, simply saying he wasn't a man, he goes to Tenerife to study "Mozambiquen Mussels", and rents a house on the coast. He arrives to find it occupied by the previous tenant, Paola (Leticia Brédice). Where he is neat, anal, boring and heterosexual, she is anything but. She is an Argentinean journalist who is unemployed and not looking for work very hard. She is a slob, outgoing, and a lesbian. The only thing the two have in common is there preference to sleep with women.

The two, as roomies will, eventually find a half supportive half quarrelsome way to get along, but Rolando falls in love. Paola lets him know in no uncertain terms that she has no sexual interest in men. He takes an extended trip to share his research, and Paola finds that she misses him, but is uncertain about just what about him she misses. He returns from the trip as changed as one of the mussels he studies (which change sex during their lives).

Brédice shows breasts and buns, and also has some good pokies. The adorable Spanish Silke shows breasts in two scenes as her bi girlfriend who is married. The film was not especially well received, and is not very funny and not very romantic, but Brédice makes the film worth the price of admission. Also, the transfer is very nice, and the art/set design and camera work are colorful and competent. This is a film for fans of the actresses -- good production value, but not a very strong plot. C.

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  • Leticia Bredice (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
  • Silke (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    "Las Edades de Lulú"

    Las Edades de Lulú (1990) (The Ages of Lulu) is written and directed by Bigas Luna, who also directed last night's Jamón Jamón, and is based on an erotic novel by Almudena Grandes, who co-authored the script. According to my new friend Félix in Madrid, the novel won awards as a great erotic novel. Italian born Francesca Neri plays the title role. We start with her as a young woman, going on her first date with her older brothers best friend. After a concert, he takes her to his mothers studio, shaves her pubes, and takes her virginity. She is heartbroken when she finds he is leaving soon to study in the US.

    When he arrives home, it doesn't take long before they are alone together, and he introduces her to anal sex, then proposes to her. Early marriage is reasonably normal and passionate, but he cultivates her fascination with female impersonators, and they end up having a threesome with one of them (actually played by a woman, María Barranco, complete with prosthetic penis), who becomes a life-long friend. They have a daughter, which leads to another period of normalcy, then, at a party, he blindfolds her and makes a sandwich together with her brother. When she finds out, she leaves him on the spot.

    Unhappy and alone, she turns to porn for an outlet, and discovers that male homosexual sex turns her on, so she gets more and more involved in a gay sex and S&M scene. I will leave some surprises for the end. Neri shows all three Bs, but usually in dark or oddly lit scenes, and Barranco shows her breasts in a restaurant. The film is highly thought of in many circles. Had the transfer been better, I might have felt the same way, but didn't find it especially stimulating. IMDB readers have it at 5.9 of 10, which is a very respectable score for a foreign soft-core film. María Barranco won a Goya for best supporting actress. I can just see the Academy awarding an Oscar for a porn role. Were the transfer better, I might rate it higher, but as is, it is a C-.

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  • Francesca Neri (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)
  • María Barranco (1, 2)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    I got six new releases at Blockbuster today, some OK movies, but after watching four of them, I haven't seen a boob! Report tomorrow.

    Other crap:

    1. Roger Ebert's readers choose the silliest film titles of all time
    2. Bettie Page nude gallery. Not great quality, but free!
    3. Mets Mike Piazza says he isn't gay. Hell, he isn't even a switch hitter.
    4. Seoul, Korea claims the world's most beautiful toilets. No rebuttal yet from Addis Ababa.
    5. This must be some kind of record. Bribery accounts for 12% of the Russian GDP. ($36 billion per year!) Total bribery is more than half the level of total government spending.
    6. Jenny McCarthy has a child.
    7. First official pictures from the first Matrix sequel. Also has links to the available trailers.

    You know those porn movies with titles that sound like real films and TV shows? Some of the greats include: Good Will Humping, Star Whores, Shaving Ryan's Privates and the immor(t)al cinema classic, The Sopornos? It's now time for an adult version of The Osbournes. According to the Adult Video News, VCA Pictures is producing a porn send-up of MTV's runaway hit, titled The Ozporns. Director Antonio Passolini, tells AVN, "The first time I saw the show, I was like, 'The Ozporns.'"

    Passolini's previous body of work includes Captain Mongo's Porno Playhouse, so it's safe to say the quality of this production is guaranteed. But this is no ordinary effort for him. He's going to go the extra mile and spend a full three days filming this masterpiece based his own script.


    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that I inexplicably determined there might be something of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Graphic Response

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

    Babe of the Day...Catherine Bell
    In honor of her upcoming spread in one of the many arms over boobs magazines, here's a look back at some of Catherine's nude highlights.

    By the way, Catherine Bell may be the most famous Farsi-speaking woman of Iranian descent to do extensive photographed nudity. Here are the details.

    • Catherine's movie career began in 1992, at age 23, as Isabella Rossellini's body double in "Death Becomes Her

    • Bell then appeared topless in an episode of "Dream On", which first aired August 17, 1994. (1, 2, 3)

    • In 1996 she did a sensuous nude scene in "Hotline 3: the Brunch Club". (1, 2, 3, 4)

    • More recently, there hasn't been any movie nudity. But we do have this paparazzi shot with some see-thru exposure.

    Don't Forget....
    Wednesday night on Fox....Celebrity Boxing 2!

    Here's the fight card:
    Darva Conger (From who wants to marry a Millionaire) VS. Olga Korbut (Olympic athlete)

    Dustin Diamond ("Saved By The Bell's" Screech) VS. Ron Palillo ("Welcome Back, Kotter's" Horshack)

    William "The Refrigerator" Perry VS. Manute Bol -the super tall (7'7") former NBA player

    Joey Buttafuoco VS Joanie Laurer (Chynna from WWF)

    Jr's Pics...I'm putting my money on Darva, Screech, The Fridge and Chynna.


    Today Daneen Boone & Kimberly Rowe almost have a full-on lesbo scene in "Crazy Love". Daneen shows a little boob and Kim is in her undies.

    Links #2 and #4 feature Kimberly massaging Daneen's lovely bum.

    • Daneene Boone and Kimberly Rowe (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Lucy Liu
    (1, 2, 3)

    Very sexy non-nudes of the "Charlie's Angels" star by nmd.

    Sylvia Leifheit
    (1, 2)

    I admit that I don't watch a whole lot of German TV, so I honestly couldn't tell you if she's a star or not. But I can tell you that she's gorgeous and has a great body! Unfortunately the goodies are hidden. (Covered by her hands in #2 and by some black lingerie thing in #2). Great scans by Primal.

    Winona Ryder One more look at her cleavage from Saturday Night Live.

    Melody Thomas Scott Showing plenty of cleavage at the Daytime Emmys.

    Lucy Grantham
    Sandra Cassel

    Nicnac once again visits the Vault of's breasts and bums come from 1972's "Last House on the Left". One of horror legend Wes Craven's very first films.

    The Funnies
    from Letterman... Star Wars themed Top 10 lists.

    Top Ten Surprises In The New Star Wars Film

    10. Most of the action takes place on Planet Hollywood
    9. Jedis interrupting lightsaber battle to change double "A" batteries
    8. Jar Jar Binks is shot by enraged Robert Blake
    7. Obi-Wan wins the big dirty dancing contest
    6. A confused William Shatner keeps showing up looking for Spock
    5. Supreme Chancellor passes out after choking on a pretzel
    4. "The Force?" -- just a sinus headache
    3. All the time C3PO spends bitching about Spider-Man
    2. Usual Star Wars opening theme replaced with George Strait's "All My Ex's Live In Texas"
    1. Yoda has sex with a pie

    Top Ten Star Wars' Fans Complaints About The New Movie

    10. Lame scene where Ewoks are freed from captivity by Reverend Jesse Jackson.
    9. R2-D2 sexier with the implants in.
    8. "A long time ago, in a galaxy far away" replaced with "Make me a billionaire, losers."
    7. You never find out what the "Matrix" is.
    6. When theater lights come back on, you're still a 40-year old virgin.
    5. Scene where Millennium Falcon hits an iceberg feels tacked on.
    4. There's no glowing hockey guy.
    3. Somebody forgot to cut price tags off wookie costumes.
    2. Most of special effects budget went toward giving Yoda a realistic looking rash.
    1. Media is virtually ignoring its release.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...


    >From IMDB News, yet another bulletin from Jennifer Love Hewitt about her hooters. Her breasts' press agent must be busier than Halle Berry's breasts' press agent...

    Jennifer Love Hewitt Learned To Love Her Breasts
    Jennifer Love Hewitt was horrified when she first sprouted breasts - until she noticed how good they made her t-shirts look. The movie stunner was far from happy with her chesty additions as a pre-teen, and failed to appreciate them until she saw their potential as eye-catching fashion additions. She recalls, "When I first got my boobs, I was so insecure. I was 11 years old, with this chest, and it was like, 'Whoa, what is going on?' Then I finally went, 'Wow, what a great accessory to a t-shirt! My t-shirts have never looked so good, how exciting.' You just have to embrace them."

    Hmm. I interpret that last line as an invitation to a free grope for every guy in America. What a country!

    Finally, "You are CORRECT, sir!" about Britney Spears' paucity of talent in every regard other than filling a T-shirt, a la Jennifer Love Hewitt. That's not singing and dancing, it's cheerleading: rote robotic movements performed to a pre-recorded music track. Watch her "dancing" sometime: it's a series of stiff poses struck with no grace or flow, and every 30 seconds or so, one "hunk" of it ends, she turns her back on the audience, stalks back to the tape X on the floor that is her starting point, turns around, and goes into the next one. If you watch her Pepsi ad, you discover that she can't even wink. She's supposed to end it by winking at the audience, but the best she can muster is a two-eyed squint. Yet she's the biggest star in the world. Guess nobody ever went broke underestimating the horniness of the American teenager.

    Celeb News
  • Long live Seven of Nine! Here's a link to Jeri Ryan's hot new spread for Maxim! Including some images that won't be available on the newsstand.

  • Penthouse settles Kournikova lawsuit