"La Belle Noiseuse"

La Belle Noiseuse (1991), which means roughly "a girl who drives men to distraction," could be best called a still life. The detailed plot is as follows. Artist paints nude then hides painting. As for pace, the film is roughly 4 hours long, which leaves about 40 minutes for each word of the detailed plot description. So what do they do for four hours? Well, we watch disembodied hands scribble on sketch paper and canvas, and ogle Emmanuelle Béart completely naked as the nude model. Ok, I will admit that half of that formula is entertaining.

According to the major critics (like Ebert who awarded 4 stars), this is a masterpiece. It shows the process of art, and the nature of the relationship of an artist and a good model . You might even extrapolate the theme to be about how close people become when part of a creative team. Ok, so they showed me enough nudity to keep me awake for the entire four hours, but they didn't show me the finished painting. The reason the artist chose to brick it up in a wall after finishing it is probably something that every French child learns at their mother's knee, but I missed that point in my education.

It is beautifully photographed, and did I mention that Emmanuelle Béart is completely naked in all sorts of poses for the majority of the film? I can say for certainty that I will not be watching it again. However, it does have a large following. At Fisherman's wharf, in San Francisco, among the buskers and card table jewelry shops, are portrait artists. There is always a crowd watching them paint. I don't understand the attraction there, which is probably why I failed to see the attraction in this film. I will give it a C.

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  • Emmanuelle Béart (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67)

    "Tu Amo Cama Rica"

    Tu Amo Cama Rica (1991), which translates as I Love Your Lavish Bed, is a Spanish romantic comedy staring Pere Ponce as a young man struggling with how to make a living and get lucky, and Ariadna Gil, a fun loving girl who lives a carefree lifestyle on her rich parents money and her Veterinarian job. Ponce is lucky enough to be there when she decides to dump her current boyfriend, and ends up with her in his bed. The film is the story of their on again off again relationship. They are crazy about each other, but she is a free spirit afraid of commitment, and he is insanely jealous.

    Gil shows breasts in three scenes, and Gil showing breasts is a VERY good thing indeed. Maria Jose del Valle also shows breasts as a one night stand. IMDB readers have this at 6. of 10, with nearly even scores from men and women. The dialogue is said to be clever use of the Spanish language, but, as I watched it with English subtitles, I can't evaluate that. The characters are very likable, the photography very nice, and it has several laughs and a feel good ending. This is a solid C, and a pretty good bet for a date flick.

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  • Ariadna Gil (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21)
  • Maria Jose Del Valle (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)




    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

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    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.


    The Rainbow

    • The Rainbow is a mediocre movie with some poor acting from the lead (Sammi Davis) , but it was a partially redeemed by being a lovingly photographed nudefest for Sammi and Amanda Donohoe. The .wmv is split into five separate scenes. The .avi includes all five. ( .avi version, .wmv versions (1, 2, 3, 4, 5))


    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    What is the most common theme in Hollywood movies? Not necessarily the central theme in all of them but one that appears most often in Hollywood productions.

    Love, you say? Or maybe lust? I don't think so. There are, after all, entire genres with no love and no lust. Westerns, kiddie movies, high-minded dramas tend to have neither. Erotic thrillers have the latter, seldom the former. Romantic comedies take the opposite tack.

    What, then, is the most common theme? Revenge. Every genre has oodles of examples, some are based almost entirely on revenge. Westerns would not exist if revenge were removed from them. In fact the very best revenge movies are Westerns. High Plains Drifter is my favorite. Cop movies, comedies, kid movies... all have revenge themes. Lethal Weapon 1-16? Revenge of the Nerds? Bambi? Even some of the best dramas are held together by the theme of revenge. Casablanca, for one. Or the quintessential high-minded revenge movie of all time... Shawshank Redemption. Everyone who crossed Andy Dufresne got it in the end... big time. Some were crippled for life, others reduced to the level they despised and the warden did his own self in. Ah, revenge so sweet.

    What it boils down to is that American movies and, by gradual transferance, American people see most of life as a series of confrontations between villains, victims and heroes. Things don't work out the way you wanted? Must mean there is a villain somewhere, and you are the victim and all we need is a hero. A hero will save us. And he'll get us some revenge.

    The difference then between a good movie of revenge and a bad movie of revenge is just how far out of their way did the movie makers go to "motivate" the hero. Andy Dufresne is motivated by acts you could understand committed by folk who were venal, not evil. That's a good revenge movie. Same with the Man With No Name in High Plains Drifter. Townspeople were cowards, let his brother get whipped to death, so he just sorta takes care of things.

    Bad revenge movies have villains who are unnaturally evil commit acts without motive or context just so the hero can get good and pissed. Oh, and the audience, too. Gotta get the audience pissed so they feel oh so good when the villains get their comeupance.

    Worst revenge movie I ever started to see was I Spit On Your Grave. Couldn't finish that crud. Second worst was Johnny Firecloud (1975).

    This is a Billy Jack wannabe of a native American who confronts an unnaturally evil, unremittingly racist Anglo community. What they do to motivate our hero ranges from the humiliation to the lynching of a proud old man and the out-of-the-blue rape of a young teacher. The rape is particularly jarring because the teacher is an otherwise minor part of the story for whom no lustful or violent thoughts have been implied previously. The white guys just show up and do the rape thing.

    So let me repeat that this is a Billy Jack wannabe. To aim high and miss carries with it some nobility. Godfather, part 3 aimed high... the first two Godfathers... and missed. Still, it is a fine enterprise. But to aim for Billy Jack and miss????!!! Shit, that's like aiming at a rat and shooting your dog.

    I capped this festering boil on the buttocks of Hollywood because the woman who called herself Sacheen Littlefeather is in it. She is, in fact, the one raped. Sacheen was given the task of accepting Marlon Brando's Oscar lo those many years ago. She dressed in Native American garb and spoke of the injustices of white men toward her people. Stupid idea for such an important issue, compounded by the fact that Sacheen Littlefeather was not her real name and she was not a Native American. We call that an O-fer.

    Sacheen or whatever her real name was went on to pose for the Hefmag with her God-given equipment still in place. In Johnny Firecloud we see some after-market additions, boobs that do not obey Newton's law of motion. And somewhere, somehow there is someone who thinks that is attractive?

    • Sacheen Littlefeather (1, 2, 3)

    A second character played by Christina Hart, has bed Johnny in by-gone days and looks to get into his pants by taking off her top. Ms. Hart looks mighty fine with a natural frame to gaze upon long and hard.... so to speak. Ms. Hart had a long career in tv and movies and starred in one of my favorite exploitation films, entitled The Games Girls Play. Nice looking woman.

    • Christina Hart (1, 2, 3)

    Johnny Firecloud is what happens when a screenwriter and director who are not at the top of the game to begin with get lazy and try to copy a bad, painfully simplistic movie. Not improve upon... copy. They aimed for a rat. What they delivered was one dead dog.

    More Oscar stuff
    One more batch....

    Jordan Ladd
    (1, 2)

    Two more collages of Ladd's wonderful toplessness in scenes from the brand new movie "Broken Lizard's Club Dread".

    Laura Linney
    (1, 2)

    Excellent 'caps by LC of the Oscar nominated topless in scenes from "Love Actually". Look for this on DVD in April.

    Holly Hunter
    (1, 2, 3)

    Still looking great nekkid at age 45! Here is the Oscar winner (and nominee for this performace) going full frontal in scenes from "Thirteen" (2003).

    Eliza Dushku
    (1, 2, 3)
    Angela Featherstone
    Melissa Sagemiller

    DeadLamb takes a look at at the well cast, but poorly executed thriller, "Soul Survivors". Dushku shows off some excellent cleavage, and makes out with a topless Featherstone. Sagemiller is wearing semi-see-thru panties.

    Nikki Ziering
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)

    Amanda Swisten
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)

    Señor Skin 'caps of both ladies topless in the bachelor party scene from third Pie movie, "American Wedding".

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Hey, Dinosaurs Are Cool! - Game show producer Ralph Andrews, 76, is suing Dick Clark, 74, for age discrimination. He says he approached Clark for a job, and Clark wrote back a rejection letter wishing him well, but saying that the last producers he hired were aged 27 and 30, and that "people our age are considered dinosaurs."

  • Then he had to run, because he's working on the 2005 "New Year's Rockin' Eve."
  • Well, 74 is okay, but 76? Too damn old!
  • Dick Clark has to hire young producers so he can drink their blood and stay eternally young.

    He Bet On All Three - Pete Rose may never make it into the Baseball Hall of Fame, but he will be inducted this month into the World Wrestling Entertainment Hall of Fame. Rose took part in three Wrestlemania events in 1999-2000, and will be paid to appear at his own induction ceremony. WWE chairman Vince McMahon said, "He has a deep, abiding respect for what we do."

  • Telling lies for money?
  • SOMEBODY has to!
  • And apparently, the WWE Hall of Fame has slightly lower standards than the Baseball Hall of Fame.
  • Have they thought about the damage this could do to pro wrestling's reputation?

    Let's Hope It Doesn't Flop - Topless rights activist Liz Book hopes to lead 1,000 shirtless men and women in a rally at noon Sunday on Main Street of Daytona Beach, Florida. She wants to get the law changed so topless women won't be arrested during Bike Week. She says exposed breasts have been part of the biker lifestyle for 50 years. Local clerk Lori Mauldin, who plans to join in, said they are fighting for the right to do what men do -- go shirtless in non-sexual contexts -- adding, "If it's good enough for them, it's good enough for me."

  • Hey, this idea is good enough for ME!
  • Besides, a lot of those biker guys have bigger boobs than any woman.
  • This may be the first women's rights rally to draw an all-male crowd of supporters.
  • 1,000 topless women at Daytona Beach? Is this a political demonstration or MTV's "Spring Break"?

    Soda Jerks - The new Economic Report of the President, an annual compilation of data by the White House, poses an intriguing question: should assembling hamburgers at a fast food restaurant be reclassified from a service job to a manufacturing job? The report said the difference is subtle and confusing. For instance, mixing water and concentrate to make soda in a factory is a manufacturing job, but doing the same thing at a fast food stand is a service job.

  • The key is that if you do it while wearing a paper pirate hat with your name on it, it's not a manufacturing job.
  • Combining various chemicals into a toxic compound is a manufacturing job, but that also describes making fast food.
  • And if you add ketchup to the burger, that's a vegetable, so it may be a farming job.
  • The good news is, America now has thousands of new manufacturing jobs!