An Uncle Scoopy Christmas.

It's getting difficult to enjoy Christmas here, because we have this competition thing going with the neighbors. I mean they put up 1000 lights, so we need 2000. They put up Santa on the roof, and we need to put up Santa and all the reindeer.

I think I'm going to win the neighborhood decoration award this year, though. Here's what I've done Instead of those cheesy cardboard cut-outs, I've hired real actors to play in the nativity scene on our lawn. Man, that baby sure cries a lot on cold nights. Most of them are just local amateur actors, but David Keith plays the third shepherd. It's OK, I didn't write him any lines. The angels are played by local strippers in sheer angel robes. Now nobody spends any time looking at the neighbor's stuff. The livestock has presented come challenges. Those sheep just won't respect the neighbors' property lines. As a special promotion to get more attention from the newspapers, I've instituted the Three Wise Men hot line, where they will dispense wisdom via a toll-free number. It's like a psychic hotline, except you get wisdom instead of psychic predictions. Kids love it, because it really helps out with the homework. "Wise Man Hot Line". "hey, wise man, if one train leaves Chicago at 3:00, going 45 miles an hour ..." Local radio station KOMA is broadcasting a live remote from our house on Christmas Eve till midnight. Imagine that - the actual birth brought to you live by your local Pepsi distributor. From 11 to 12 the angels will be giving out free Pepsi to anyone with a KOMA bumpersticker, or anyone who brings gold, frankincense or myrrh. Especially myrrh. You can never have too much of that. When I build my next house, I'm going to make sure that it has a myrrh cellar for my vintage stuff.

a Scoop's take on the best comedy movie. I don't argue. "There's Something About Mary" is hilarious, cleverly structured, and ultimately warm - the closest thing in the 90's to a classic Mel Brooks comedy. My favorite, "Groundhog Day", finished second, and I'm thrilled that so many people remember it. "Groundhog", like "Shawshank", wasn't a hit, a great critical success, or highly awarded. But time gives us a different perspective.

I think "Groundhog" is a better movie, but I laughed more at "Mary", so roll the dice and make your choice. Is the cerebral "Manhattan" a better comedy movie than the lowbrow "Blazing Saddles"? I don't know. "Blazing Saddles" is kind of a dumb movie, but I laughed out loud through the entire thing, and that's what comedy is all about, isn't it? Viewed from that perspective, best comedy equals most laughs, "Mary" is the rightful Queen.

I was surprised that "City Slickers", and "The Mask", genuine comedy classics, finished so low. I was kinda surprised that "Dumb and Dumber" outpolled "Ventura" and "The Mask" in the Jim Carrey category.

The Gist and Lawdog

One Fish
"Fraternity Vacation". Do you know that this is probably the most requested movie in the history of my mailbox? Is there an award for most beloved exploitation movie?

Barbara Crampton Kathleen Kinmont Crampton and Kinmont Roberta Whitwood

I haven't seen Flurk around in ages. He must have been storing up a bunch. This is some great work.
  • Jenny Agutter in "Logan's Run"
  • Suzy Amis in "The Ballad of Little Jo"
  • Patti d'Arbanville in "Bilitis"
  • Patti d'Arbanville in "Bilitis"
  • Dawn Dunlap in "Laura ..."
  • Renee Fokker in "Dilemma"
  • Charlotte gainsbourg in "Cement Garden"
  • Camille Keaton in "I Spit on Your Grave"
  • Mona Kristensen in "Bilitis"
  • Julia Ormond in "The Baby of Macon"
  • Dira Paes in "The Emerald Forest"
  • Kelly Preston in "Spellbinder"
  • Chloe Sevigny in "Gummo"
  • Sissy Spacek in "Carrie"
  • Alexandra Vandernoot in "Dilemma"
  • Jenny Wright in "Young Guns 2"
  • Amanda Wyss in "Deadly Innocents"

  • Yesterday was sunday, no Page Three woman. Our replacement is Nikki from Ocrtober 14. (#1 , #2 , #3 , #4) + Ever wonder what Playboy and Page Three models do when not modeling for Playboy or the British tabs? Fred does. Fred, or as he is known in the ancient Elventongue, "Frodo", specializes in "outing" the harder action from these ostensibly wholesome girls. His comments:

    I almost missed this one until I read the Bio. The Bio for Linsey Taylor in Playboy BOL #55 June 1997 said she had a Master's Degree in Psychology. Since I have the same degree I though I'd take another look. Then came the glimmer of recognition that I was looking at "B" and porn actress Taylor St. Claire. Maybe she does have a Master's Degree, and maybe her real name is Linsey Taylor, but she's still Taylor St. Claire.

    (#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10)

    Members' bonuses. L.A. Confidential.

    L.A. Confidential

    I had a stack of crappy erotic dramas sitting around, and I couldn't face them. So I watched a real movie, but with only a little flesh. Terrific movie, though, so Amber Smith's breasts are a nice bonus. The only negative I have is that Guy Pearce looks my dad's brother, Incredibly Rich Admiral Uncle Dick, who's kind of an irritating geek. (Not to be confused with Invisible Uncle Florian, who is to the accordion what Zamfir is to the pan flute.) Come to think of it, Guy Pearce is supposed to be an irritating straight-arrow geek in this movie, so I guess looking like Uncle Dick was a good choice. No real nudity from Basinger, just the very top of her cleavage d'derriere.

    Shawnee Free Jones

    Amber Smith

    Marisol Sanchez

    The beautiful Ms. Basinger

    Members' bonuses

    Lipstalk In his pursuit of the ulktimate Kournikova image, Lipstalk creates very large files sometimes. The first two are 610k and 404k, respectively, with no nudity. The third one, a collage, is beautiful - very professional looking and a reasonable file size with a hint of flesh. The commentary is is own.

    "Anna latest bikini pictorial for Inside Sport Australia puts this to shame. Also the paper quality of this is a pain to fix. But this is still Anna and it is special since it is from her first bikini pictorial ever since turning 18. But this is the best scans of this pictorial I have seen and big file sizes and image sizes to boot!" (#1, #2)

    "Easily the hardest collage I had to work on. The upskirt butt-cheek shot was from a super-big 6 Mb (!) scan from a UK poster of Anna so working with that scan was a pain. Moreoever, the decorations and space fillers was a laborious task to make but I am sure it turned out well worth it. One of my favorite collages thus far and my Christmas gift to you all."

    HTE HTE will fight LipStalk for Anna K's affection.

    Anna, Tennis Magazine, Jan 98 Anna, Tennis Magazine, April 98 Anna, Tennis Magazine, October 98 Anna in action

    Not Anna! Mariah Carey in a white bikini, from a Danish gossip mag

  • Rachel Hunter, kinda near-topless vidcaps
  • Rachel Hunter, kinda near-topless vidcaps
  • Helen Hunt, "Frozen Panties Scene" from Mad About You
  • Tisha Campbell, wearing a bikini in "Sprung"
  • Figgis commentary: "This is my first effort with DVD. I hope you like it. I don't know anything about Lea Mornar. In the movie she had a terrible accent, so I suppose, she's not from Germany. But since I think she has a beautyful face and a breathtaking body, I declare her as "celebrity". The movie, "Liebe deine Nächste", is another from Detlev Buck. He is, I think, the most important director in contemporary mainstream German cinema. Just look at some of the stills. They are close to paintings. The plot however wasn't one of the best he has done. The title is difficult to translate. Something like "Love thy (female) neighbour." It's complicated..."

    (#1, #2, #3, #4)

    SB Pitters captured two movies which featured Ruth Gemmell before she hit it in "Fever Pitch"

    in "Perfect Blue" in "Silent"

  • Sabrina Staubitz on her TV show. (#1, #2)

  • more.
  • The Girls of Taxa (Danish TV series), from Dalton
  • Click Here!