Making Believe (2001?) is the third episode of Intimate Strangers on the Little Acts of Naughtiness DVD. This opens with Stella Porter having sex. This scene didn't seem to have anything to do with the plot. Tane McClure is seeing someone but not really clicking with him, especially in bed. She is complaining to Kim Yates about it, and a customer within earshot suggests she try a male gigolo, namely him, who has a business called Making Believe. She goes for it, and it is everything she hoped. The episode ends with Kim asking for his phone number.

Porter and McClure show everything, as is the norm for this series. There is no information available at IMDb. This, again, is a C+. Not only does it have naked women and simulated sex in decent light and an excuse for a story, but it is short enough that it doesn't become tedious.

Dragon Storm (2004):

Two sentences tell you most of the story on this film:

1. It is about medieval dudes battling dragons from outer space.

2. It was directed by Flounder from Animal House.

Flounder is quite thin now and doesn't really look like a geek any more. He looks pretty much like any other 50 year old guy. But there is a key sign that he still is a geek. He hired Angel Boris to be in this film, and couldn't get her to take her clothes off. How lame is that? It probably reminded him of some of his dates in high school.

The story begins in "Carpathia" in 1190, with the meteors from space bearing the flying, fire-breathing creatures who immediately open a can of whoop-ass on a local kingdom. This "kingdom" actually consists of one run-down former church with about forty people living inside it, so the five dragons didn't get much of a match. The evil "king" and his entourage flee the attack through a secret underground passage, after which they make their way to the next "kingdom" - on foot.

This arduous journey takes them a few minutes.

They are welcomed by the neighboring "king", who is a much nicer guy than the evil king, and who at least has a decent castle, and not just a decrepit old church. I guess he blew all his treasury on the castle, however, because his crown seems to consist of one of those paper hats from Burger King, with "burger" crossed out in magic marker. 

Based on the size of the kingdoms in this film, it is a safe guess that Europe had about 100,000 members of phoney-baloney royalty in 1190.

Pretty much the same as today.

By the way, John Rhys-Davies plays the evil king. He is a real actor who was Sallah in the Indiana Jones movies, and Gimli in the Lord of the Rings flicks, and shouldn't be desperate enough to be in this film.

The two kings organize a hunting party to go out and do battle with the dragons. The dragonslaying team consists of an alchemist, a huntsman, the evil king's #1 henchman, a weapons inventor, and the tomboy daughter of the good king. There is also a Chinese martial arts specialist who understands gunpowder. There is some possibility that a Chinese man would understand gunpowder in those days, because the Chinese have records of its use dating back even a couple centuries before that time, but I presume this Chinese man is a bit lost, wandering through the Carpathian mountains in 1190 A.D., some sixty years before Marco Polo was born.

While the dragonslayers hunt for their prey, the evil king is back in the castle plotting to depose the good king with the help of a corrupt bishop. The evil king's not-quite-as-evil henchman also plans to kill some other members of the dragon-slaying team, although he's not the brightest guy in the world, because he tries to kill off one of the party's most valuable members before they ever kill the friggin' dragons.

The medieval power struggle between the kings and bishops is underwritten grade-z crap, but the battle between the hunting party and the dragons is not bad as grade-b fodder goes. The characters on the hunting party were fairly interesting, and I was shocked to see that the actual dragons were not predictably laughable, but were in fact quite scary and realistic.

It isn't a good movie at all, and I can't tell you that adults will get a kick out of it, but it's better than it sounds, and it might amuse your kids for a while if you need a break from them. Angel Boris's lack of nudity means that it's PG-13, and essentially safe for youngsters. I called it a generous C-, although you could argue for a D and I wouldn't have much of a rebuttal case.

• Angel Boris getting almost naked. (1, 2) I guess you may be able to see her nipple in the second one, if you want to get technical on me.

Six Figures (2004):

Six Figures is an "urban crime drama" about six figures who plan to rob a strip club of six figures. If my division is right, that means they would get one figure each.

"Urban drama" is now the official euphemism for "movie involving people of dark-skinned African-American descent".

Thing go wrong for the urbanites. Much blood is spilled, and most of them end up dead.

At least I think so. I lost interest halfway through, and just snapped the nudity. There is quite a bit, but it consists of professional Clothing Removal Engineers in the strip club.

The movie is virtually at "home movie" levels in many ways, although it does lift itself above that level by affecting a bit of Guy Richie cool with speeded-up motions, saturated stills with written captions, etc. I didn't write a review, but I'd say D is about right.

• Clothing removal professionals (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

I don't have a clue which movie, or even whether it is a movie:

• These pictures sure as hell look like a young Emmanuelle Beart. Can anyone tell me where they come from, when they were taken, and whether they are really Ms Beart. (1, 2)

OTHER CRAP:

• Liv Tyler to be a mom
• A four minute trailer for the Star Wars original trilogy DVD.
• Tarantino to do Kill Bill 3 in the year 2019. His fans are probably already in line.
• An hysterical BRITNEY SPEARS had to be calmed down by paramedics after her car ran over a photographer. (Her mom was driving.)
• Stripper dilemna: she's allergic to the pole!
• Jeri Ryan's husband pressured her to have public sex in clubs, while others watched. Unfortunately for us, Jeri was wise to say "no". How long do you think pictures of those acts would have stayed off the internet?
• Urban Legends: Sorry, there is no skeleton of a giant man in Saudi Arabia.
• "Cheney needs to step aside for good of Bush, party". Forget for a minute whether you approve of the President or not and try to put yourself in the President's shoes. If you were the Prez, would you eliminate Cheney BEFORE the election? Hell, no. You run the risk of exposing some unknown to the rigorous scrutiny of the election process. Every newspaper and every Democrat in the country will be digging up everything the new guy has done since he was toilet trained. The only way to avoid that would be to choose McCain or Powell, choices which I presume the President would avoid to assure spiritual continuity after his second term. Cheney, on the other hand, is felt to be a known commodity and a stable leader. Whatever dirt there is on him has already been dug up. Furthermore, the President ran with hardliner Cheney when Dubya himself was considered a moderate Republican like his dad. Now that the President is considered an extreme Christian conservative, he would (presumably) have to choose a respected moderate, like McCain for example, to balance the ticket. That means that the neo-con revolution would probably end with Dubya. If I were Dubya, I would run with Cheney, with the understanding that Cheney would resign "for health reasons" sometime after the election. That would allow the President to by-pass the electoral process, avoid the McCains of the world, and nominate his true spiritual heir to the Vice-Presidency, subject only to a simple majority approval in both houses of Congress.
  • Note: I'm not saying I approve of that process, but it is perfectly legal, good strategy, and is what I might do in the President's position.
  • Exception: ignore the above if the President simply thinks he will lose unless he chooses McCain or Powell. In that case, he will simply have to do what he has to do to win. A Bush/McCain ticket would be very strong, and would conduct a fairly clean campaign, not just because McCain and Kerry are friends, but because McCain is an ethical man and would insist on it. In my opinion, choosing McCain as a running mate would lift the President's stature both in reality and in perception. But I don't think he would do it unless he thought there was no other way to win.
• Unfairenheit 9/11. Professional iconoclast Christopher Hitchens weighs in on Michael Moore: "Fahrenheit 9/11 is a sinister exercise in moral frivolity, crudely disguised as an exercise in seriousness. It is also a spectacle of abject political cowardice masking itself as a demonstration of 'dissenting' bravery." Rhetoric aside, it's quite a good article. Hitchens is not a member of the Bush spin team, by any means, but a free thinker who often takes a hearty dump on conservatives as well. His last major article was The Stupidity of Ronald Reagan, in which he said, "The fox, as has been pointed out by more than one philosopher, knows many small things, whereas the hedgehog knows one big thing. Ronald Reagan was neither a fox nor a hedgehog. He was as dumb as a stump."
• A Straight Dope Classic: Why did mystery writer Agatha Christie mysteriously disappear in 1926?
• This site has thousands of free pictures of Aria Giovanni!
• Hotmail blocks gmail, bounces Gmail invitations
• The trailer for The Grudge: "An English-language remake of the Japanese horror thriller 'Ju-On'. 'The Grudge' is about a murderous supernatural curse born of a grudge held by someone who dies angry. The curse passes like a virus to its victims." Starring Buffy.
• Nostalgia: TomWilsonUSA.com - Tom Wilson's "Big Pop Fun". An unapologetic tribute to kitschy stuff you had almost forgotten, but still secretly love.
• SADDAM, OSAMA "JUST GOOD FRIENDS""No Relationship", aays bin Laden's Publicist
• Did Britney's Mom Pull A Lizzie Grubman?
• Thai officials organized a soccer game between elephants and prisoners Sunday in hopes of discouraging gambling on the European Championships. It has not yet been determined whether Burt Reynolds will play a convict or an elephant in the movie version.
• From the department of "I didn't make this up": What do you call pork fat soaked in chocolate? A "Ukrainian Snickers".
• Luba, wife of the legendary Hegre. (Oh, yeah, did I mention she's nekkid?)
• Celebrity Poker News: Ben Affleck wins a California State Hold 'em Tournament. Yes, this was a highly competitive event, and yes, it is THAT Ben Affleck. The lad can play.
• Ralph Nader chooses a running mate. I know what you're thinking. "Talk about minor news. Even in Norway they must have buried this item amid the gardening tips." Actually, this is important because Nader chose a prominent member of the Green Party. Nader's timing was deliberate - the Green Party convention starts the day after tomorrow, and he wants to be that Party's nominee because they are already on the ballot in 22 states and DC.
• Lauren Jackson, WNBA MVP, poses nude in an Aussie magazine. (With topless picture from the "making of" special)
• Owen Wilson has signed on to co-star with Natalie Portman in the comedy THE SMOKER. Wilson will star as a teacher at a prestigious all-girls school who finds himself the subject of a student's affection and eventually her proposal to marry.
• Whoa - they had to stop the presses in Norway! It's their biggest front page headline story ever - SAS pilots get cockpit alarm clocks. "SAS long-distance flights between Scandinavia and the US now are flown by two pilots instead of three. SAS has, however, provided the two remaining pilots with an alarm clock in case one of them takes a nap."
• Today's news from Norway: The Norwegian government cracks down on a private school that lists Jesus Christ as executive manager . Hiring Mr Christ was a risky move for the school, given the rather long gap in his employment history, thirty years of unexplained whereabouts after his birth, and a mysterious Egyptian stamp on his passport. The move has paid off beautifully for the bottom line, however, since Mr Christ refuses a salary, based on something about the birds of the air and the lilies of the field.
• Man obtains bush2004.com, creates a satire site, turns down offers as high as $135,000 to sell the domain to Bush loyalists.
• An expert evaluates the worst concepts in Porn.
• "Michael Moore Hates America" - a Michael Moore-style film about Michael Moore.
• Additional captures from the Jenna Lewis sex video
• According to this article, Connecticut Gov. John G. Rowland, the subject of investigations into alleged corruption and facing possible impeachment, will announce his resignation Monday night. This gives him several more hours to remove anything not tied down.
• My Life - The Memoirs of Bill Clinton - (The Movie Version). Starring Ron Jeremy as Clinton. Ah, it's good to have Bubba to kick around again. Those Dubya "I'm a 'tard" jokes were getting old. Also on the page are links to three related stories:
  • Lewinsky Ghost Writer Fellates Clinton Ghost Writer
  • Each Copy of Clinton Book to Include Condom and Penicillin Shot
  • MoveOn.org Demands Free Republic Remove Thread Comparing Clinton to Clinton
• Bill Clinton My Life - Book Covers That Did Not Make The Cut
• Steve Irwin uses Justin Timberlake to feed a giant croc. And the Croc wanted Eminem for dessert! The article says that Timberlake was completely at ease since he is used to dealing with reptiles. And, of course, the reptile would not actually eat him, based on professional courtesy.
• Private Rocket Plane Successfully Punches Into Space
• Trannies get toilet: "Snubbed by both men and women, transvestite students at the Chiang Mai Technology School just wanted a restroom to call their own -- and were granted their wish"
• Iranians sieze three British ships, arrest the eight crewmembers. Eight men to man three "ships"? I think it is safe to assume they were not aircraft carriers. Inspiration for next Bond film: In Her Majesty's Canoes.
• Clinton gets 'visibly angry' in British TV interview. The BBC took the position that his feud with Republicans was a civil war among "far right-wingers". Kidding aside, it was a Lewinsky thing, and Bubba vented some steam.
• Playmate Gallery, Holly Joan Hart - April 1998, Courtesy of PlayboyPlus.com!
• Four free short videos from SPICE TV RAW!
• Oh, we forgot to mention the good news: the Messiah is here. The bad news: it's Reverend Moon. "Reverend Moon claims to have had a pow-wow with ... religious figures in the heavens who declared him the Messiah." Strangely, when I talked to those same guys, they told me I was the Messiah. I wish the voices in one's head would agree on a consistent message.
• GALLUP: Topically timed with the release of Clinton's memoirs, here is a Gallup Poll review of the Clinton Presidency

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Words from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh.

.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

NOTE: because of a unique combination of circumstances with the Windows media player and some substantial bandwidth theft, we will have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Click on the files as you normally would to play them. When you get a choice, click on "save", and put it on your hard drive in the directory of your choice. UnZIP and play from there.

I know this is not especially convenient, but it allows the film clips to continue. I can protect .zip files from hot-linking in the same way I can protect still images. For some reason, if I protect .avis and .wmvs from hot-linking, they will not play in the Windows media player, and I can't get a satisfactory work-around. Perhaps I will find a better solution, but for now this new policy allows you to continue getting the movie clips you want to see, which is much preferable to my abandoning the clips altogether.

Lesbotronic Film Clips, Part 1

• What could be better than advanced lesbonics between Emmanuelle Beart and Pascale Bussieres? The film is La Repetition. Here they are in the tub. (.avi) (.wmv)

• Emmanuelle Beart and Pascale Bussieres again. The film is still La Repetition, but this time they are making out. (.avi) (.wmv)

• Aimee and Jaguar is an artistic film about a lesbian relationship in Nazi Germany. Here are four of the main tootsies. We'll have much more from this film tomorrow. (.avi) (.wmv) (review)

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

Mason Marconi was Pet of the Month for Oct. '97. Girl had one of the most entertaining natural bodies in this quadrant of the galaxy, then she went and got all pumped up in the hooter dept. Kept the killer rumpus, however. Been in lots of things. Showgirls, a few Skinemax movies (sic) and maybe two dozen strip-n-wiggle videos... even a couple of adult films (double sic), although she has not done the nasty on-camera.

It is the devil keeping track of just how many times Ms. Marconi has stripped for the moving camera, but it seems a good bet the disk I just capped, entitled Private Dances Mason Marconi, is:

a) One of the first. Mason has her naturally dark hair and her all-natural bod.

b) One of the most explicit. We be talkin' gynocam in the extreme here, fellas.

c) One of the worst photographed and transferred. Clearly a transfer from a commercial videotape, which was shot by some asshole who you hear giving Mason directions but who knows less about cameras and lighting than my border collie, this DVD is a tragic waste. Not on a par, say, with the First World War, but tragic and wasteful nonetheless.

So I grabbed a bunch of frames and put them together into something resembling themes. Full frontal in 1 & 2, outrageously attractive bum (including bend-over action to open the eyes of a dead man) in 3, 4 and 6, serious spread-the-legs views in 5 and 7. Not half bad.

• Mason Marconi (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Here is the fist installment.

As Scoop noted above, we currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.

Angela Penny...mostly just toplessness in the 'caps of her pseudo-sex scene. But we do see pubes in links #2 and #4. The .wmvs show breasts and a whole lot more pubes.

• Angela Penny 'caps (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
• Angela Penny individual zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3)
• All 3 Angela Penny .wmvs in one zip file

Flower Edwards aka "Flower". The former hardcore (if you count girl/girl action as hardcore) actress turned Skinemax regular. Mostly breast views in the 'caps, but link #1 features a view from the gyno-cam! The .wmvs have more skin, including all 3 B's and gyno-views in links #1 and #2.

• Flower Edwards (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
• Flower Edwards individual zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3, 4)
• All 4 Flower Edwards .wms in one zip file

Sarah Kalla bares breasts, bum and plenty of up close and personal gyno-views in her one and only film credit.

'Caps links 2,3,4 and 11 are full of gyno views.

• Sarah Kalla (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
• Sarah Kalla individual zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
• All 7 Sarah Kalla .wms in one zip file

BANK SUGGESTS CLIENTS FORGET MONEY, HAVE MORE SEX
Or Pay Someone To Have Sex With You - The major German-owned investment bank Dresdner Kleinwort Wasserstein sent a note to customers reminding them that there are more important things than money. Written by investment strategist James Montier, the note advises clients to have sex, ideally with someone they love; reflect on the good things in life; get enough sleep; exercise regularly; and stop equating happiness with money.