Caligula (1979) - Day Two. Tonight we have Helen Mirren showing all three Bs at the age of 24, a hard core lesbian scene between former Pets Lori Wagner and Anneka di Lorenzo and nudity from dozens of unknowns in a Sisters of Isis meeting, an orgy, and in a brothel created by Caligula and staffed by senators wives, and other incidental exposure.

So this film has lots of hard core sex, torture, good set design, some very famous cast members, and nudity in nearly every frame. The real crime is that it is 150 minutes of sheer boredom. It would help if there was at least one character to relate to and root for, but they managed to make even the sex scenes hard to follow, and never developed any real passion. The back story of how the film was made is far more interesting than the film itself. Scoopy has a complete review in the archives. I agree with his C. As a film, it would be much lower, and the transfer is embarrassingly bad, but it is an important part of film history, and serious film people should suffer through it once.

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  • Helen Mirren (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
  • Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51)
  • Wagner Di Lorenzo (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44)

    "The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone"

    The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone (2003) is a Showtime production based on a Tennessee Williams novel, and staring a 58 year old Helen Mirren, who shows breasts and buns. The story is about an aging Broadway icon who retires to travel Europe with her rich husband who is in poor health. When he dies, she stays in Rome, and starts looking to young gigolos for company. Interestingly, most of them are nobility, and are managed by a countess, played by Ann Bancroft. They all feel like Americans owe them a living because of World War II.

    Finally one of the pretty boys manages to get through her defenses, and she has a physical relationship with him, and even dares to think it could be love. He eventually tires of waiting for payday. I suppose if there is a moral, it is the old saw that their is no fool like an old fool. This is beautifully filmed, and the 4/3 transfer is top notch, but that is not enough to recommend this rather uninteresting made for TV fare. Mirren was good in the role, but she did the only acting in the entire production, and the entire plot was telegraphed in the first 5 minutes. MIren received a well-deserved Golden Globes nomination. I will give this a C- based on three things, nudity in a very good performance by Helen Mirren, good production values, and being based on an arguably important novel. I will caution that it is not going to be worth a second viewing.

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  • Helen Mirren (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Major stuff!

    If you are a poker player, you are probably familiar with the theory of feast or famine. About three weeks ago, I  went into a five card stud pot having had nothing better than a pair all night, and pulled aces over kings, only to lose to not one straight, but two. In a five player game - nothing wild. What's worse is that since I started ace-ace, I was building the pot up, and lost the whole shebang. Life is like that.

    I wasn't the one who really got screwed. Imagine the other player, pulling a straight in five card stud with no wild cards and five players, and losing to a higher straight! That player had the second best hand of the night, but it so happened that the best hand occurred in the same pot.

    Well today's funhouse is kinda like that. I have probably gone ten days with nothing much interesting to talk about. I found a decent quality screener of tiny Jordan Ladd in Club Dread, and that seemed like a winning hand. Her gymnastics display (with the aid of a real gymnast body doubling, I suppose) is really something to see, probably the best nude scene of 2004 so far, and I got a movie of it. Not a great one, but a movie, which shows clearly what is going on.

    That had to take the pot, right?


    Get this. I get the DVD with the unrated copy of Wild Things. I watch it for an hour, and I'm pissed off, because the only reason it seems to be unrated is that they took the deleted scenes from the earlier DVD and put them back in. Since the MPAA has never rated that cut, they could legally call it "unrated". I was steaming mad.

    Then I watched another minute or two and felt a helluva lot better.

    There was some additional unseen footage, and it is a real treasure. Remember the two girls kissing in the pool? They are topless, and Denise Richard's boobs are on camera!!  "Never" Campbell never did show anything, but Denise more than made up for it.

    Then there were a few extra plot twists which hadn't appeared before. Some minor stuff about how the Neve Campbell character was actually the aunt of the Denise Richards character, half sister of the Theresa Russell character, and she therefore felt herself entitled to the money of the man who was her father (Denise's grandfather). Nothing much interesting.

    Then came the final credits. If you have seen the movie, this is where they turn over all the hole cards and show you all the missing elements of the plot. It was a very cool little idea, and it is much cooler in the unrated version, because we get to see Matt Dillon and Denise Richards having some steamy sex to fake the "rape" that would become the focal point of the plot. It had to seem to a medical examiner that she might actually have been raped, or there would have been no trial, so Dillon gave her a good pounding. This resulted in a bit more nudity from Denise.




    Wild Things (1998)

    Review/ info page




    Club Dread (2004)

    Club Dread is the second film from the comedy troupe that created Super Troopers. It was a miserable failure at the box office, capping off below five million dollars, despite appearing on 1800 screens across the country. The reviews were only slightly more enthusiastic than the film audiences, with only 34% of the reviewers making a positive review of the film.

    It isn't a good film, but I found it an easy watch. It has s silly slasher plot, lots of nudity, and lots of jokes.  The jokes were hit and miss, mostly miss, but that wasn't the problem with the film.

    The problem is that these guys should have gone for Scary Movie - a genre parody making fun of slasher movies. Instead they went for Scream - an attempt to make a real horror movie, with some comedy layered in. By working too hard on the scares and gore, they got distracted from the strengths of the writer/performers who are, after all, guys like SCTV, and not guys like Tobe Hooper.

    But the film has some pleasures.

    The nudity was excellent, especially a gymnastics scene performed by the diminutive Jordan Ladd (Cheryl's daughter) and probably a body double.

    Bill Paxton is pretty funny as Coconut Pete, a fictional version of Jimmy Buffett. He talks like Buffett, sings like him, and lives like him. His album titles are all slight twists on Buffett album titles, although ol' Pete doesn't remember making most of them because, hey, those were the 70s , dude.  He's a laid-back guy unless you mention the one thing he hates - the REAL Jimmy Buffett, who stole Pete's best song PinaColadaBurg, changed it a little, and made it famous as Margaritaville.

    Oh, well, it sounds better than it really is.

    Coconut Pete runs his own island version of Club Med off the coast of Costa Rica, and somebody is killing all his staff. Not much more to it than that. There are several red herring sub-plots in which various people seem in turn to be the killer, there are several gruesome and kinda funny deaths, and then somebody with no motivation confesses. It turns out that all the people who had a motive were sane people like the rest of us, people who may have had jealousies and problems, but would not act violently because of those feelings. The actual killer, on the other hand, was just plain nuts. It think it was supposed to be funny that the only guy with no motivation turned out to be the killer. If it was supposed to be, it missed the mark. As with the Coconut Pete character, the murder explanation sounded like a good concept, but was executed poorly.

    This film is not worth going out of your way to see except for Jordan Ladd's marvelous nude scene, but is an OK movie if you simply want to turn off your brain and watch some dumb, harmless, sleazy fun. It is not a good horror movie, and it is not a good comedy, but it has some pleasurable elements of each. C-



    • Charlie's French Cinema Nudity Site is updated



    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap






    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.



    • One of the best sex/nude scenes of all time in a mainstream film. Tom Cruise, Rebecca DeMornay, adn a strong summer wind in Risky Business. ( .avi , .wmv)

    • And one from the French cinema. Sophie Marceau in L'Amour Braque (.avi, .wmv



    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    Crimson Ghost
    'Caps and comments by The Ghost:

    A cub reporter (Barbara Alyn Woods) goes undercover as a stripper to get the scoop on a serial killer. Supporting preformances by Lisa Kudrow (sadly, not a naked performance) and Martin Mull (happily, not a naked performance).

    Assorted other women play strippers...

    Hard to believe my local video store let this baby go for only a dollar!

    These next, more tasteless comments are by yours truly, Scoop Jr.

    • Alretha Baker, doing a little topless dancing (presumably with Death) (1, 2)

    • Barbara Alyn Woods, doing a whole lot of topless dancing. Breast and thong views. I think you can see Death sitting next to the stage in one of the crowd scenes. I hear he tips well. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28)
    • .wmv of Barbara Alyn Woods dancing with Death. (1, 2, 3)

    • Catya Sassoon, also topless and showing some thong views. (1, 2) Sadly, she actually did dance with Death, and lost. I guess that should be added to the list of things never to never to do...
      Don't tug on Superman's cape.
      Don't spit into the wind
      Don't Dance with Death

    • Jill Pierce, more toplessness and thong views. (1, 2, 3)

    • Sean'a Mahoney aka Shana Arthur, also going topless and showing some partial rear nudity. (1, 2, 3)

    • Tracey Burch, topless only.

    Every knows that the movie "Boat Trip" stunk. But if you must watch any part of it...these two .wmv video clips are all you need. Roselyn Sanchez looks great in skimpy clothes, and her BJ demonstration with the banana is actually pretty darn hot! (the banana vid is #2)

    • Roselyn Sanchez (1, 2)

    The Gimp
    Hardcore 'Caps and comments by The Gimp:

    Brainscan has been badgering me to cap some Pets who have done adult here ya go!

    First is 80's star Angel (she called herself Jennifer James in Penthouse). The movie is Girls on Fire. I think the DVD was authored from a commercial videotape.

    • Angel (aka Jennifer James). #1 is has nice full frontal and full dorsal poses. In links 2 and 3...hardcore goodies. (1, 2, 3)

    The second Pet is from this decade. She posed for dozens of magazines before turning to pornland. These are caps from Sweetwater.

    • Chloe Jones (all of these are hardcore) (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Jennifer Garner
    (1, 2, 3)

    The "Alias" star looking absolutely gorgeous on Leno. Thanks to DeadLamb.

    Renee Rea
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    PK Orion 'caps of the Skinemax babe topless and showing some brief south of the border views in scenes from "Forbidden" (2002). A quick breakdown...there's a masturbation scene (#1), a great sunbathing scene (#4), and plenty of sex scenes.

    Lise Danvers Topless and showing some serious bush in scenes from the 1974 French movie "Contes immoraux" aka "Immoral Tales".

    Shannen Doherty
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

    Señor Skin 'caps of the "90210" bad girl going topless in a couple of scenes from "Blindfold: Acts of Obsession" (1994).

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Lil' Fib - Scantily-clad rapper Lil' Kim was indicted Wednesday for conspiracy to commit perjury, making false statements and obstructing justice. Prosecutors say she falsely testified that she didn't know a member of her entourage and that he didn't fire a gun in an incident between her entourage and that of two other rappers. Her lawyer claims the charges are baseless and predicted they will be dropped.

  • And then Lil' Kim will drop her suit...Not a lawsuit: she'll just drop her suit.
  • If it goes to trial, she plans to sway the jurors with a wardrobe malfunction.
  • She wasn't lying! Her entourage is so big, she doesn't know half the people in it!
  • There were three rappers' entourages there! How was she supposed to be able to tell where all the gunfire was coming from?

    Bonfire Of The Amenities - According to the Douglas Elliman Manhattan Market Overview, the average price of an apartment in most of Manhattan has risen to a record $998,905, nearly a million bucks. The average was skewed by the astounding prices of the big luxury apartments; for instance, Woody Allen is reportedly selling his apartment for $25 million. But the median apartment price, or the price square in the middle, is a more affordable $625,000.

  • And with rent control, $30 a month.
  • That's per room.
  • That works out to just $3,000 a square foot.
  • It's not fair! The roaches and rats get to live there for free!
  • The winner of "The Apprentice" gets a $250,000-a-year job and an efficiency apartment in Queens.

    The Flanders Method - Psychologist Dr. Aiden Gregg of England's Southampton University has discovered a new way to spot a liar. He tested Christian men and women and found that when they were asked to answer a question dishonestly, it took them from half a second to one second longer to reply. He said the method was more than 85 percent accurate and could be used by the police to bolster lie detector tests. No word on whether non-Christians take longer to lie.

  • They need extra time to ponder their chances of going to Hell for bearing false witness.
  • The only exception was the Grinch, who thought up a lie and thought it up quick.