Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Catching up on some junk movies.

The Beast of Bray Road (2005) is a straight-to-bargain-bin video from a group called The Asylum, which seems to churn out a cheapo every two week or so. So far this year, they have thirteen releases listed at IMDb, including one I reviewed, Legion of the Dead. To refresh your memory, that's the one where the characters were not surprised to find an ancient Egyptian burial site in California because it is well known that the ancient Egyptians had mastered "trans-Atlantic" travel, as evidenced by Incan culture(!!). One of the characters was a grad student who spoke to the California Eqypyian in a language which had been dead for 4000 years. And they say our education systems are failing!

I'm not sure if these people are great geniuses or complete idiots. Maybe a bit of both. One thing is certain, they don't take themselves seriously, and that is very refreshing. The Beast of Bray Road, filmed entirely in Wisconsin, consists of dialogue like this:

Sheriff: What did you see, ma'am?

Woman: I don't know. Some kind of monster.

Deputy: That sounds like the Beast of Bray Road. You don't know about this because you're new, Sheriff, but back in the 18th century ...

You'll notice that the woman didn't say "a one-armed 13 foot tall monster with green eyes and 8-inch teeth and a hunchback," in which case the deputy might actually have had some reason for his outburst. She simply said it was something she couldn't identify - which the deputy knew must obviously be an obscure 18th century monster. You'll also notice that the deputy didn't say "gosh, that could be a bear, or a mangy wolf, or Robin Williams, or Farmer Bob gettin' drunk again." Instead he was immediately able to pinpoint the "I don't know ... some kind of monster" identification as something which hadn't been seen for a few centuries.

As it turned out, there was a handy cryptozoologist available in the small Wisconsin town, and he was able to establish that the beast was not merely a beast, but a human who transforms into a beast. So which human is the beast being hunted by the sheriff? Well, since the sheriff is new in town, and since the re-appearance of the beast coincides with his arrival, it could be that he is hunting himself ...

 ... Nah, too logical, and far too interesting an idea ...

but I was ultimately entertained by the true identity of the beast. And I got a few laughs out of the sheer cheesiness of the gore - the beast rips limbs from and disembowels its victims on camera, in fairly graphic detail.

The DVD has a commentary track, although I should say a "babble track", because it consists of a bunch of guys who seem very drunk, all trying to out-shout one another to be heard. Occasionally they would all break up into laughter at some inside joke. Their comments consisted of insightful stuff like "Whoo! Whoo! Here comes some tits," "I don't remember this," "Huh? I thought this character was gay," and "My original line here was 'honey, this dick ain't gonna suck itself.'"

At any rate, I guess these lads have found an economic model that enables them to make a profit from getting drunk, persuading actresses to remove their bras, and having fun together while they churn out some haphazard straight-to-video nonsense. God bless 'em. If I could do the same thing, I would. We have enough lawyers and politicians and marketing analysts in the world, but we can always use some more rowdy, fun-loving slackers. Sure, their films are basically just extended fraternity pranks, but there's no complaint from me because they occasionally make me smile and they throw in some hot naked chicks as well.

Maija Polsley

Noel Thurman


The Ice Queen (2005) is another cheapozoid straight-to-vid. Unlike The Beast of Bray Road, which is shot in a widescreen format and looks like a film, The Ice Queen looks like it was filmed at a family picnic in your back yard by your dad and his vintage 80s-era VHS camcorder, except: 

1. Your dad's home movies have a better narrative structure.

2. Your yard is more interesting than these sets.

3. Some of the people in your family are scarier than this monster.

4. Pretty much everyone in your family is more talented than this cast, unless you are related to Anna Nicole Smith or Carrot Top.

The Ice Queen of the title is an almost-human monster whose body temperature is extremely low. She is trapped in a resort hotel by an avalanche. Several "normal" people are trapped there as well, and IQ knocks them off one by one with her super freezing powers. Then some guy pushes her into the hot tub and she melts.

The end.

That's really what happened. Honest.

Jennifer Hill. This woman needs to go back to her cosmetic surgeon and get those things fixed.


El Padrino (2004) is an attempt to tell the basic Godfather storyline (small time hood becomes king of the mobs) in a Mexican-American context. El Padrino means The Godfather in Spanish. Here's a complete plot summary, if you really care.

The film was written by, directed by, and stars actor-turned-auteur Damian Chapa. I have no idea what qualified Damian for this particular task. I know his family is Mexican, but he grew up in Ohio and was once married to the uber-Canadian white bread queen Natasha Henstridge. It seems to me that qualifies him to chronicle life in the L.A. barrios approximately as well as my Polish last name qualifies me to write about the Warsaw Ghetto. To tell you the truth, I don't know whether El Padrino is authentic or not, but that doesn't really matter because the problem with the movie is that it doesn't really seem to have much heart or originality to it. It's just the usual macho chest-thumping, over-the-top violence and other crazy drugged-out behavior.

I guess this film had some theatrical aspirations. It stars a lot of people who used to be somebody, like Faye Dunaway, Gary Busey, Stacy Keach, Robert Wagner, and Joanna Pacula. It also stars some familiar character actors like Brad Dourif and Jennifer Tilly. Ms. Tilly does sound silly when she speaks Spanish, and when she speaks English with a Mexican accent, but I guess that doesn't mean much because she also sounds silly when she speaks ... er ... normally. Whatever distribution plans the producers may have had for this movie seem to have evaporated, and it ended up being released on DVD exclusively in Belgium last year, Why Belgium? Beats me. At any rate, that was a year ago and it has now made it to Region 1.

Ileanna Simancas

Jennifer Tilly

'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

Brother Tuna is recovering and that is good news. Hungry to see some new work of his, I played with some of his old stuff. I had lots of fun doing it because it shows in mini-microcosm the range to Tuna's efforts--from A list women (Monica Bellucci) to B-movie bims (Jacy Andrews), from Heffers to Pets and everything in between, including a marvelously built unknown babe. Quite the list.

Here is part 1...

Adrienne Barbeau in the classic and now rare topless scene from "Swamp Thing". For the story behind why you can't rent of buy this DVD...check out the comments by Tuna and Scoop in the movie house.

Amy Brentano in the 1987, low budget horror flick, "Blood Sisters".

Athena Massey showing off her robo-hooters in "Termination Man" (2000).

Bella Donna, blonde, tan and topless in 1988's "Angel III: The Final Chapter"

From the early Troma film "Waitress!", here is Carol Drake topless in her one and only film.

Actress and stuntwoman Carrie Schiffler topless in a scene from the direct-to-vid James Caan movie, "Dead Simple" aka "Viva Las Nowhere" (2001).

Martial Arts/B-movie babe Cynthia Rothrock showing just a bit of breast exposure in scenes from "Sworn to Justice" (1996).

Very brief breast views from Donna Mills in scenes from the original psycho-date movie, "Play Misty for Me" (1971).

Here is former Pet (October '94) Heidi Staley topless in one of many lame sequels in the Leprechaun series. 'Caps from "Leprechaun 3" (1995).

Helen Campitelli topless in another early Troma flick, 1980's "Squeeze Play".

Spanish babe Irene Montalà taking off her top in scenes from "Fausto 5.0" (2001).

Itziar Miranda, full frontal nudity from the Spanish movie "Celos" (1999).

Next up is tall, blonde, softcore actress Jacy Andrews topless in scenes from "Sexual Magic" (2001).

JoBeth Williams bares breasts and bum while wearing some super-hip (not) 70's glasses. 'Caps from the multi-Oscar winning movie "Kramer vs. Kramer" (1979).

Crimson Ghost
Today from the Ghost...another Hard Core actress making a quick softcore buck on Skinemax. Here is Olivia Saint in scenes from an episode of the late night series, "Sex Games Vegas".

Olivia Saint

'Caps and comments by Hankster:

Still more from "Lust Connection", two more porn stars baring all and taking their turn at getting humped by our stud man.

First up is Holly Hollywood

Followed by Chasey Lain, who looks bored with the whole thing.

Long time star of German TV, Andrea Sawatzki. Here she is baring a bit of bum on the series "SK Kölsch" from episode: "Ich sehe was, was du nicht siehst".

Annika Murjahn topless from an episode of the German TV series "Der Letzte Zeuge" Some folks may recognize her from her recent (but small) role in the Terry Gilliam movie "The Brothers Grimm" (2005).

"Love Actually" co-star Heike Makatsch, topless while riding a dude in scenes from "Die Affäre Semmeling" (2002).

Sabine Vitua showing off some impressive cleavage and letting most of a breast escape the cover of her bed sheets in "Der Gestohlene Mond" (2003).

Jessica Schwarz, topless and gettin' it on in scenes from "Kammerflimmern" (2004).

The Skin-man serves up some 'caps "Trainspotting" babe Kelly Macdonald. Here she is topless in scenes from "The Girl in the Café"

Movie Reviews


Here are the latest movie reviews available at


  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Other Crap
Tailgate Nation wants your vote

Hawaiian Tropic, home of the sexiest bikini girls on the planet!

Patriots coach told Steelers trainer to "get away from my fucking player" > Find TV Commercial Ad Music "If you want to find out the name of the song from a TV ad, it may be here. Not an extensive list, but good info." - US Current Fall Foliage. Right now the Upper Michigan Peninsula is the place to be.

Two hundred tons of snow appear in downtown San Francisco for a special ski jump event. Residents pissed. (Pictures included)

The Weekly Script - has a famous "superb" unproduced script for Spider-Man. (subject of a lawsuit - see the link for details)

Uncle Scoopy's Guest House presents Anne Hathaway in Havoc (not to mention Bijou Phillips)

Dave Barry picked this as his headline of the day: "Sheep, two-day parties enliven remote Falkland isles"

Mary Werbelow has never spoken publicly about her three years with rock god Jim Morrison- until now.

Supermodel Kate Moss may be headed to the slammer. I hope they have those bars really close together.

The Daily Show becomes the Delay Show

  • "No one forgets when they popped their ethics cherry. It makes a congressboy a congressman."

Here is the video of the Wolfman, Wolf Blitzer, referring to the residents of The Big Easy as "so poor... so black."

One of our regular readers, Phil Freeman, has just written his first novel, entitled Adult. Read about it here.

  • "Will Carrey is the former editor of a the porn magazine Swinger, now unemployed and adrift in Los Angeles. He must return to his East Coast hometown; reconnect with his estranged, dying father; and confront his feelings about his family, his life, and his place in the world."

"LINDSAY LOHAN BARES ALL FOR VANITY FAIR". Right. Why do I think this will be strategic Austin Powers opening credits nudity?

"We will not agree to the U.N. taking over the management of the Internet" - those commie bastards probably want to spell it without the capital "I"

Miller agrees to testify, is released from the slammer. (Her source, apparently Libby, released her from her pledge of confidentiality.)

Kelly Brook naked. 'Nuff said.

Yankees, Red Sox, Indians all win. The Yanks are now one game ahead of the other two. The Red Sox came back from a 4-1 deficit. Ortiz solidified his MVP bid with a game-tying homer in the eighth and a game-winning single in the ninth. Ortiz now has 145 RBI and Manny is just behind with 138. The Sox and Yankees play their last three games against one another at Fenway. If the Sox take two out of three, the teams end in a tie, with a tiebreaker played at Yankee Stadium. In case of a three-way tie (a very realistic possibility), the Yanks and Sox would first play one game for the division title, then the loser of that game would play one game against Cleveland for the wild card spot.

Tom DeLay Indictment: The Hammer's Prayer: Help Lobby God on Behalf of Indicted Ethics Posterchild Tom DeLay - (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)

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