Vicky Cristina Barcelona


VCB is a story about two female American tourists in Barcelona who both fall for the same Spanish painter. The interactions among them are further complicated by the reappearance of his crazy ex-wife, who is his soul-mate. The story was written and directed by Woody Allen, who has turned out a picture every year for enough consecutive years to make Lou Gehrig envious.

Speaking of Gehrig ... I remember reading that Lou knew it was time to give up the consecutive games streak when one of his teammates congratulated him on making a routine play. If only Woody Allen was capable of that same kind of realistic self-appraisal.

Woody is an accomplished filmmaker, so you can expect that he made the routine plays correctly: the music is beautiful; the city of Barcelona and its environs are photographed with love; the editing is so smooth that the narrative flows effortlessly. Woody also made one good stop of a hard shot down the line: the crazy ex-wife character, as played by Penelope Cruz, is one of the most interesting people the author has ever created, and is perfectly suited to showcase the talents of the actress. (Did Woody write this role with Penelope in mind?) Critics praised those achievements.

Having noted all of that, let me be one of the rare voices to say this is not a good movie in spite of those positives. The screenplay is just downright awful. Never mind that it's tedious. Ignore the fact that the characters and  situations are all movie clichés. Those things are almost tolerable in light of the film's strengths, and they can be characterized as elements of mediocrity rather than incompetence.

So let me get to the actual incompetence.

Let's start with the voice-over narration. There are plenty of situations where I love narration. In film noir detective stories, I love it because I want to hear the character's assessment of the situation expressed in his own colorful patois, and because when the narration is done right it adds mood and flavor and even a touch of poetry to the film. An example would be The Big Sleep. Narration can also be fun in comedies when it is done by a main character, functions as part of his character development, and adds the humor of his POV. An example would be Lord of War. Those are rare exceptions, however. Narration is normally an irritant in the best of circumstances. In the worst, it destroys a film. That's what happens here.

Woody makes every possible mistake with this narration:

First, it adds nothing to character development. The narrator is not a character in the film, but an impersonal, omniscient voice reciting facts.

Second, the narration simply repeats things we have already been shown or, even worse, tells us things we should have been shown.

Third, it doesn't even sound like it is being delivered by an actor. What's worse, the narrator is not only a poor actor, but a poor narrator as well. This is not your James Earl Jones type of narration. The voice of God is thin, flat, and juvenile. It sounds like a high school freeshman who is forced to read a dramatic interp passage in front of other boys, and is thus afraid to breathe any life or passion into it because it will make him sound less masculine and earn him a playground beating.

There are plenty of other problems.

  • The humor is almost non-existent, and when the script reaches for laughs it does so clumsily.
  • There is a superfluous character (a fellow student in Vicky's Spanish class)  introduced and dropped for no apparent reason.
  • There are some weak line deliveries by the two title characters.

Woody just plain dropped the ball on some of those routine grounders.

Overall Vicky Cristina Barcelona is a mediocre movie rather than an bad one because Woody Allen knows too much about filmmaking to turn out anything which is an utter waste of time. But it is really time for the old fella to stop churning out so many movies. Instead of creating one forgettable film every year to keep the consecutive streak going, maybe he could do one every three years, but make it a good one. Woody will have to figure this out on his own, because his metaphorical Yankee teammates, i.e. his fans and admiring critics, are going to continue to slap his back when he makes the routine plays. Something happens to filmmakers once they reach the level of "acclaimed genius." Nobody in their entourage is ever willing to tell these emperors that they are naked because the entourage consists either of sycophants or awe-struck fans who are intimidated by the genius. Admiring critics, in the manner of Gehrig's admiring teammates, praise the geniuses for the smallest achievements while overlooking colossal misfires.

I could do the same. I love the scene where Penelope is painting in a smock with no bra and Woody photographs her from above. It demonstrates how Woody's outstanding craftsmanship blinds critics to his other failures. Beautiful photographic composition. Beautiful, sensuous actress. Meticulously created set. Gorgeous and appropriate music. Perfect choice of camera angles, which not only frames the scene nicely, reflects another character's POV, and makes the action as sexy as possible, but also allows the cinematographer to move to action on a higher elevation in the same take, edit-free.

(And then the Woodman spoils everything with some flat, intrusive and utterly unnecessary narration!)

OK, Woody, there's your praise. Way to handle that routine grounder. Now do what Gehrig did and recognize that praise as the sign that it's time to end the consecutive streak.

There is no nudity, but two of the world's sexiest women are in the film, so let's take a look at their sexiest moments.

Scarlett Johansson

Penelope Cruz. (Includes the scene I described above, so you can see its merits and flaws for yourself.)




  • * Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).

  • * White asterisk: expanded format.

  • * Blue asterisk: not mine.

  • No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.









Cold Mountain


Ultra HD Film clip of Nicole Kidman

Sample below.






Notes and collages



Part 3 of ??


 Elle MacPherson

Kate Fischer and Elle MacPherson

Kate Fischer

Kate Fischer, Portia DeRossi and Elle MacPherson


Scoop's note: On a related theme, a reminder of why they used to call Elle "The Body"






This section will present Defoe's film clips to accompany Charlie's collages, which are found on his own site.

Today's entry:

Nguyen Thi My Chau in Rhapsodie en Jaune








Aria and Friends

Clips and caps from the quintessence of strip and wiggle disks, Aria & Friends.  Aria's friends turn out to be Penthouse Pet Aimee Sweet and pornstars Goldie McHorn, Nikita Denise and Mariah Milano.  As you would expect their wiggling reveals more than a modicum of pink and a wink of the ol' brown eye.  Julie Andrade comes along for the ride. Hers is a more demure performance, if you can call dancing starkers demure.  Also included is a clip of Pantera, who also appears to be a pornstar of some sort.  BTW, the caps were done by Master Tuna a long, long time ago - I stitched together two or more of them to make a single collage for each gal (except Pantera).

Part 3: Mariah Milano film clip. Sample below.








City Homicide

S2, E13, 2008

Elizabeth Friels film clip. Capture below.



Victoria Longley film clip. Capture below.









Some new collages. Julianne Moore in Short Cuts.

Some new collages. Blanchard Ryan in Open Water

Some new collages. Neve Campbell in I Really Hate My Job

Goldie Hawn with an oh-so-brief flash in Private Benjamin

Film Clips

A couple of brief clips from Surfer, Dude the profound, dramatic Matthew McConaughey surfing flick which has been unjustly ignored by award season honors. IMDB voters now rate it among the top ten films with the word "Dude" in the title. It claimed the #10 spot by nudging out Dude, Where's My Car?, the immortal Kutcher classic
  1. Dude, You Need to Stop Dancing (2006) (V) 8.6 
  2. Dude Vision (2005) 8.0 10
  3. Dude Duck (1951) 7.7 56
  4. Dude Goes West, The (1948) 6.8 32
  5. Dude Ranger, The (1934) 6.5 28
  6. Dude Bandit, The (1933) 5.9
  7. Dude, Where's My Scooter? (2003) 5.9
  8. Feud with a Dude (1968) 5.6
  9. Dude Cowboy (1941) 5.1
  10. Surfer, Dude (2008) 5.0
  11. Dude, Where's My Car? (2000) 4.9

Most of those are obscure. Among films with 100 or more votes, Surfer, Dude is #1 in this category! Oscar take note.

K.D. Aubert film clip, sample below

Uncredited. Film clip here. Sample below.

The women of Short Cuts - in HD

The women of Candy Stripe Nurses

The women of Les Femmes de l'hombre. Charlie identified this as one of the best films of the year for French nudity. In 1280p HD!

Diana_Rigg in The_Hospital. Diana Rigg in The Hospital. It all happens too fast to see anything but, hey, it's Mrs Peel. Sample right.