Uncle Scoopy's News House

Extra! Clinton negotiates alternative punishment.

President Clinton's lawyers and advisers continue to negotiate with lawmakers about the possibility of an alternative to impeachment. Although the first offer, censure, was rejected, a crack is opening in the opposing stance. Members of the House of Representatives have reported off-the-record that they will drop impeachment proceedings if the President agrees to some type of castration.

At this point, the sides are far apart. Representatives have argued that nothing less than the complete removal of all the Presidents's sexual organs will be adequate atonement for his sins, while lawyers for the President have so far offered only to hide Mr. Clinton's Viagra. Beltway pundits seem to feel that a compromise could be reached somewhere in the area of chemical castration.

"No compromises. We have the votes, and we want his dick", confided House Majority Whip Tom DeLay, "Chop that puppy. It's what he deserves. Clinton's a backwater bohunk from a rube state, and has no business in Washington". Mr. DeLay formerly ran an pest exterminating business in Sugarland, Texas.

Conservative scholar George Will contended that there is inadequate historical precedent to determine the precise apropriate degree of multilation, since "of recent Presidents with impeachable potential, Lyndon promised not to seek re-election rather than have his Johnson chopped off, and President Nixon had to resign since he had no dick, tricky or otherwise."

Lawyers for Clinton are also negotiating to retain the commercial television rights to the event. Coca-Cola has offered to pay $235 million for exclusive sponsorship if the President's weed will be wacked on camera, and if the President will agree to ask for a Coke when offered a last request. Clinton's lawyers see this as a way for the President to attack his mounting pile of debts, especially debts to them.

Uncle Scoopy's Movie Previews


Leaked out from the Lucas camp: some of Samuel Jackson's lines in Star Wars One

  • You don't need to see my Goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.
  • I ain't ridin' that thing and be lookin' like one kangaroo-fuckin' mofucker, see what I'm saying.
  • Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause I'd never touch the filthy motherfucker.
  • This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin' Stormtrooper in the room -- accept no substitutes.
  • You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say|
  • Yeah, Chewie's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a Wookie.
  • Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch? Then why are you tryin' to fuck him like one?



Hot Pics

  • First up today, amazing 'caps by Hugo of Catherine McCormack, from the movie "Dangerous Beauty".
  • WWF Rock Bottom
  • Rasslin Fans!! I'm glad I didn't get the PPV special! I would have have been pissed! I guess we all should have expected them to not let Debra McMichael take it all off. But still, you pay 30 bucks, you're told it's a total strip match, and nada! At least Crow managed to 'cap everything that did make it on the air. Here are several cleavage shots of Debra, and a couple of thong frames too.
  • Debra McMichael from WWF Rock Bottom, by Crow #2.
  • Debra McMichael from WWF Rock Bottom, by Crow #3.
  • Debra McMichael from WWF Rock Bottom, by Crow #4.
  • Debra McMichael from WWF Rock Bottom, by Crow #5.
  • Debra McMichael from WWF Rock Bottom, by Crow #6.
  • Debra McMichael from WWF Rock Bottom, by Crow #7.
  • Debra McMichael from WWF Rock Bottom, by Crow #8.
  • Emma Sjoberg
  • Emma Sjoberg #2. All of these are sexy partial nudes, however, this is the only one with any real exposure of any goodies.
  • Angie Everhart
  • From Master Bagger...Vidcaps of the sexy red head from "Another 9 1/2 Weeks".
  • From "Another 9 1/2 Weeks" #2.
  • One final set of 'caps. Unfortunately, these look like they show the most good stuff, however they are a little washed out. Plus these bend the "No Rourke" rule.
  • DVD by RDO
  • As many of our viewers know, RDO has set out to 'cap every frame of nudity known to man! Today he makes a pit stop at the DVD version of "The Doors". First up, Meg Ryan in her split second exposed breast scene.
  • Meg Ryan #2.
  • Next up, "the Lizard Queen", Kathleen Quinlan.
  • Kathleen Quinlan #2 from "The Doors".
  • Kathleen Quinlan #3.
  • Finally, a lesser known actress from the film, Kristina Fulton.
  • Fun House Variety
  • The movie "Sirens" has been 'capped over and over again, but nonetheless, the hits just keep on coming. This is possibly the best collage I've seen of Tara Fitzgerald from "Sirens". Thanks to Kruger for this one.
  • Here's pasty, yet busty Gen-X celeb, Rose McGowan. Vidcaps from "The Doom Generation".
  • From Graphic Response, here's a collage of Linda Hoffman, from "The Dentist".
  • From Donbun...vidcaps of Clio Goldsmith from "Heat of Desire".
  • Finally, here's Sharon Hughes from "The Last Horror Show".
  • Chloe Jones
  • More naughtiness with Chloe! Scoop didn't get the chance to show these yesterday, so it's up to me to serve the leftovers! Here's Chloe being penetrated.
  • Not for the squeamish... here's the money shot!
  • One more scan of the money shot.