"They are still trying to adjust my medication. My heart rate is stable, and the trick is to reduce medications to get rid of my dizziness and fatigue without having the heart rate climb. I will be on disability for some or all of August, and they are contemplating a cardio-covert, and angiogram, a sleep study, and who knows what else. I asked him outright if this was as good as it gets. He said it was possible, but he hoped not."

 If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is tuna@scoopy.com

Bolero (1984)

We have been waiting a long time for this legendary skin-fest to come to DVD. The Encyclopedia previously had only five poor quality images.

We have plenty now.

There is a school of film criticism that says a reviewer should measure a film on its own merits. That particular school is not likely to beat Harvard in the College Bowl, but we attended it ourselves briefly, at least to the extent that we have given some C+ ratings to films we didn't like because they are at the very top of the list for genre lovers, even though mainstream audiences are unlikely to care for them.

Bolero is such a movie, provided that you define the genre narrowly enough. Call it an "80s sexploitation film for couples," or a "Bo Derek nudity film." I suppose the latter is kind of redundant. If you're an 80s director and you hire Bo to be in a film, I suppose you aren't hiring her for her ability to handle iambic pentameter or to deliver complex characterization. Let's face it, you've signed her up to look gorgeous naked and in facial close-ups. That is the basic purpose for Bolero to exist, although it make some effort to rationalize that within the context of a plot.

And what a plot it is. It takes place back in the silent film era. Bo graduates from an elite academy and then, having always been a good girl throughout her life, resolves to use her new freedom to have some fun, and to lose her virginity in some exotic way. Since she and her friend have a major fixation with Rudolph Valentino films, Bo resolves to lose her cherry to a real sheik. She does manage to find one, and gets undressed for him, whereupon he falls asleep.

She then decides to lose her virginity to a bullfighter.

No, really. I'm not making this up.

She offers herself to the first available bullfighter, finally gets the ol' hymen popped, and falls in love. Mr Bullfighter, as it turns out, is young and handsome, owns a ranch and vineyard, quotes from Aristotle, dances divinely ... you get the idea. The affair is proceeding quite nicely until the matador's next fight, in which a bull gores him in the nuts. Understandably, this somewhat diminishes his interest in fuckin' Bo 24/7, and she is steamed about this, and the fact that he's always lying around in bed and feeling sorry for himself and acting like a girly man. She responds by doing what I think any one of us would have done in the same circumstances.

She starts training to be a matador herself.

For reasons not entirely clear to me, this seems to cure the bullfighter of his sexual slothfulness, so he and Bo get married and resume the ol' in-out over the closing credits.

If you have any interest in seeing beautiful images of Bo Derek's face and body, this delivers the good in a relatively innocuous and romantic context that will allow you to watch it without getting any grief from your wife or girlfriend. They may even watch with you.

If you would like to see good storytelling, capable acting, solid dialogue, real human emotions, and a professional level of editing and directing, you might want to pass on this and rent The Sweet Hereafter instead.

This film was directed by Bo's husband John, a two time Razzie nominee for worst screenplay, and a three time Razzie nominee for Worst Director (Bolero, Tarzan, and Ghosts Do It).

He is a serious candidate for the title of worst auteur ever.  Here is his filmography of John/Bo collaborations sorted by IMDb rating:

Note that there is an inverse correlation between the number of functions Derek filled and the IMDb scores. To put those scores into perspective, Plan 9 From Outer Space is rated 3.50

Actually, to be fair to Derek, he did exhibit some talent for cinematography, was a capable still photographer, and exhibited an almost unparalleled talent for seducing beautiful women. In addition to Bo, he was married to Linda Evans and Ursula Andress, both of whom resembled Bo when they were young. Derek obviously liked those Nordic blonde looks on women with tiny waists offset by large firm breasts. He and Bo actually had one of the most stable Hollywood marriages of all time. They were together for 25 years, and married for the last 24, until John's death in 1998.

Bo Derek - mostly breasts, but some clear frontals (see #18 and #19), and a couple of fleeting butt shots.

Olivia D'Abo - the full monty, but covered with soap.

Ana Obregon - breasts

Unknown - breasts. She stayed anonymous. Would you want your name circulated if you did a sex scene with George Kennedy?

WORLD'S LARGEST MASS BLIND DATE
Loser Convention 2005 - Wednesday at Nanyang Technological University in Singapore, 536 freshmen attempted to set a new world record for "Largest
mass blind date."  Singaporeans love world records and already hold them for things ranging from burger-stuffing to fastest text-messaging.  Organizers of the mass blind date paired up the students into 268 couples, who had to spend at least one hour together during a single 12-hour period.

*  And was it worth it?  NO!!
*  At the end of the 12 hours, they all broke the world record for sprinting.
*  One of the blind date girls set a new world record for "largest mass."
*  Those big Moonie get-togethers don't count because all the blind daters get married.


PLASTIC SURGEONS OFFEND NURSES
How About Free Botox? - Nurses in Spain are demanding an apology from Dermoestetica.  The plastic surgery company, which says its goal is to make beauty affordable to all, launched its stock onto the market with an event featuring 50 mini-skirted models dressed as hot nurses with stethoscopes.  The national nursing council said "women dressed as objects of desire...is not the image of a person who saves lives."  They demanded that Dermoestetica take action to "repair the honour and good image of nurses."

*  Okay, what do they want: facelifts or boob jobs?
*  Why, this might make men have fantasize about women in nurse's uniforms!
*  What they don't realize is that the average age of those models was 71.


VOLVO SEEKS PERMISSION TO DRIVE DRUNK
It's Safe, But It Doesn't Nag Enough - The safety-obsessed car maker Volvo is testing new systems that detect and warn impaired drivers, and they've asked Swedish officials to let their test drivers have too much to drink so they can see if it works.  They say it would only be done on their private test tracks; but in Sweden, even those are subject to strict laws that make it illegal to drive after having more than one beer.

*  Officials, however, can pass stupid laws after having all the beer they want.
*  Why don't they just test it in Germany?
*  As if anyone who'd buy a Volvo drinks beer!...Most beer drinkers would RATHER die than be caught driving a Volvo anyway!


NAKED WOMEN-AND-FOOD NEWS ROUND-UP
More Like "Drain The Bottle" - A woman in Cologne, Germany, was questioned by police after she went grocery shopping naked except for an unbuttoned denim jacket.  She explained that she had to do it because she'd lost a spin-the-bottle contest, and she did it at 4 a.m. so no children would see.  A police spokesman said they could have arrested her, but "We're a tolerant city that is open to the world," so they sent her home with a warning.

*  A warning to let the cops join in the next time she plays spin-the-bottle.
*  They're open to the world, just like her jacket.
*  We can deduce from this that she was really hot-looking.
*  The cops caught her in the produce section and grabbed her by the melons.


Don't Squeeze The Tortes! - A bakery in Chelyabinsk, Russia, launched a new ad campaign in which they convinced female staffers to pose for nude photos, with the slogan, "Our buns are best!"  Sales have boomed, mostly from men coming in to be served by the women on the posters.  They're now planning a new campaign in which male bakery workers will pose nude, in hopes of attracting women customers.

*  The women will just think, "Eww!  Put on a hairnet!"
*  Do women REALLY want to see men who work in a bakery naked?
*  They'll show us how they punch the holes in the donuts.
*  The men are so sweaty, their slogan will be, "We have sticky buns!"


POOR LANGUAGE SKILLS RESULT IN TOPLESS PHOTOS
The Cameron Diaz Excuse - A U.S. District Judge ruled that Russian tennis star Anastasia Myskina cannot stop a photographer from distributing topless shots of her because she signed a release form.  He photographed her three years ago for GQ, and afterward asked her for some topless shots "just for
himself," promising they wouldn't be published.  She agreed, and he later sold them to a magazine.  She claimed that with her limited command of
English, she didn't understand the release form, but the judge ruled that wasn't a good enough excuse to void a contract.

*  Any girl who looks like her should understand the universal language of men: Lies.
*  She obviously understood, "Would you please take your top off?"
*  Bush should appoint THAT judge to the Supreme Court!

UNIVERSITY FIRES HORNY JOURNALIST
Lust In Space - Former Boston Herald columnist Michael Gee was fired from teaching journalism at Boston University after he wrote in an Internet post that one of his students was "incredibly hot" and "it was all I could do to remember the other five students.  I sense danger, Will Robinson."  When another poster warned him to be careful, Gee wrote that he was flattered anyone thought she would have sex with him, "which, if I have any news instincts, she won't," but he couldn't focus when he met her "to-die-for eyes."  A university spokesman said students should know they're being judged impartially, not on whether they have hot bods.

*  At least until they get their journalism degrees and go into television, where they'll be hired for their hot bods.
*  This guy spent too many years covering the Kennedys.
*  My news instincts tell me that since he's no longer her teacher, there's no way she's having sex with him.



WOMEN IN CHARGE OF DIGITAL RECORDERS
The Chances Were Remote - A Lifetime Television survey of buyers of digital TV recorders found that among married owners, in nearly half the families, the wife made the decision to buy the electronic gizmo, and 55 percent of wives say they can work it better than their husbands can.  Lifetime spokesman Tim Brooks called the findings "dramatic and counterintuitive."

*  Even more shocking, a MAN works at Lifetime!
*  He was immediately replaced with a spokeswoman.
*  Oprah's on five times a week, so the women get more practice.
*  The women got digital recorders so they can record 200 disease-of-the-week movies off of Lifetime.
 


TYSON PONDERS PIGEONS AND PORN
He's Been Talking Jenna's Ear Off - Mike Tyson is managing to keep busy.  Tuesday, he got permission from officials in a posh Phoenix suburb to build a $12,000, air-conditioned pigeon coop.  Tyson loves pigeons so much, his boxing career reportedly started when he was a kid and he beat up a bully who killed one of his pigeons.  Tyson has also reportedly been talking to Jenna Jameson about launching a career in porn.

*  Pigeon porn...
*  Porn is perfect for him: it's mindless rough sex, and you get paid for it!...Plus, we already know he'll chew on anything...And there's no foreplay, so the women don't have to worry about him nibbling their ears.
*  The pigeon coop has to be air-conditioned because Mike is living in it now.



SOMERS BOMBS ON BROADWAY
The Terrorists Have Won - Susanne Somers' one-woman Broadway show "The Blonde In The Convertible," which combines tales of her struggles (alcoholic father, single motherhood, breast cancer, etc.) with show tunes, will close after eight performances due to awful reviews.  Critics called it smug, narcissistic, and "a therapy session crossed with a tacky Las Vegas review."  Comparing herself to Abu Ghraib prisoners, Somers told the New York Post, "These men are curmudgeons, and maybe I went too close to the bone for them.  I was lying there naked, and they decided to kick me and step on me, just like these visions you see in Iraq."

*  The only similarity to Iraq was the intensity of the bombing.
*  If she'd just laid there naked, it might've been worth seeing.
*  If the Abu Ghraib prisoners had sat through this, there would've been cries of "Torture!"
*  She should've called out for a doctor...a script doctor.
*  Worse, the New York Times said she was miscast as herself.



WHAT MOVIE STARS ARE REALLY LIKE
Neither Does Tom - Two longtime showbiz interviewers told the New York Post's Page Six what the stars are really like on press junkets.  They said Angelina Jolie wears jeans and no makeup and is a lot of fun.  But Harrison Ford has a bad temper; Catherine Zeta-Jones is gorgeous but "intellectually weak" and embarrasses herself by telling jokes that only she laughs at; and up-close, Brad Pitt has yellow, cigarette-stained teeth and "pockmarks the size of the La Brea Tar Pits."  And Tom Cruise has only two ways of expressing himself: a dead-serious stare or laughing and laughing inexplicably.  They said, "It's disturbing.  You don't know what he's laughing about."

*  Probably at the reporters, for believing his "I'm in love with Katie Holmes" story.
*  Sounds like a chemical imbalance...Maybe medication would help.
*  Angelina has no makeup because Brad took it all to cover his zits.
*  You mean the men DON'T laugh at Catherine Zeta-Jones' jokes?!

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

 

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