Tuna wrote on Wednesday:
"They are still trying to adjust my medication. My heart rate is stable, and
the trick is to reduce medications to get rid of my dizziness and fatigue
without having the heart rate climb. I will be on disability for some or all of
August, and they are contemplating a cardio-covert, and angiogram, a sleep
study, and who knows what else. I asked him outright if this was as good as it
gets. He said it was possible, but he hoped not."
If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is email@example.com
Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
We have been waiting a long time for this legendary skin-fest to come to DVD.
The Encyclopedia previously had only five poor quality images.
We have plenty now.
There is a school of film criticism that says a reviewer should measure a
film on its own merits. That particular school is not likely to beat Harvard in
the College Bowl, but we attended it ourselves briefly, at least to the extent
that we have given some C+ ratings to films we didn't like because they are at
the very top of the list for genre lovers, even though mainstream audiences are
unlikely to care for them.
Bolero is such a movie, provided that you define the genre narrowly enough.
Call it an "80s sexploitation film for couples," or a "Bo Derek nudity film." I
suppose the latter is kind of redundant. If you're an 80s director and you hire
Bo to be in a film, I suppose you aren't hiring her for her ability to handle
iambic pentameter or to deliver complex characterization. Let's face it, you've
signed her up to look gorgeous naked and in facial close-ups. That is the basic
purpose for Bolero to exist, although it make some effort to rationalize that
within the context of a plot.
And what a plot it is. It takes place back in the silent film era. Bo
graduates from an elite academy and then, having always been a good girl
throughout her life, resolves to use her new freedom to have some fun, and to
lose her virginity in some exotic way. Since she and her friend have a major
fixation with Rudolph Valentino films, Bo resolves to lose her cherry to a real
sheik. She does manage to find one, and gets undressed for him, whereupon he
She then decides to lose her virginity to a bullfighter.
No, really. I'm not making this up.
She offers herself to the first available bullfighter, finally gets the ol'
hymen popped, and falls in love. Mr Bullfighter, as it turns out, is young and
handsome, owns a ranch and vineyard, quotes from Aristotle, dances divinely ...
you get the idea. The affair is proceeding quite nicely until the matador's next
fight, in which a bull gores him in the nuts. Understandably, this somewhat
diminishes his interest in fuckin' Bo 24/7, and she is steamed about this, and
the fact that he's always lying around in bed and feeling sorry for himself and
acting like a girly man. She responds by doing what I think any one of us would
have done in the same circumstances.
She starts training to be a matador herself.
For reasons not entirely clear to me, this seems to cure the bullfighter of
his sexual slothfulness, so he and Bo get married and resume the ol' in-out over
the closing credits.
If you have any interest in seeing beautiful images of Bo Derek's face and
body, this delivers the good in a relatively innocuous and romantic context that
will allow you to watch it without getting any grief from your wife or
girlfriend. They may even watch with you.
If you would like to see good storytelling, capable acting, solid dialogue,
real human emotions, and a professional level of editing and directing, you
might want to pass on this and rent The Sweet Hereafter instead.
This film was directed by Bo's husband John, a two time Razzie nominee for
worst screenplay, and a three time Razzie nominee for Worst Director (Bolero,
Tarzan, and Ghosts Do It).
He is a serious candidate for the title of worst auteur ever. Here is
his filmography of John/Bo collaborations sorted by IMDb rating:
Note that there is an inverse correlation between the number of functions
Derek filled and the IMDb scores. To put those scores into perspective, Plan 9 From Outer Space is
Actually, to be fair to Derek, he did exhibit some talent for
cinematography, was a capable still photographer, and exhibited an almost
unparalleled talent for seducing beautiful women. In addition to Bo, he was
married to Linda Evans and Ursula Andress, both of whom resembled Bo when they
were young. Derek obviously liked those Nordic blonde looks on women with tiny
waists offset by large firm breasts. He and Bo actually had one of the most
stable Hollywood marriages of all time. They were together for 25 years, and
married for the last 24, until John's death in 1998.
Bo Derek - mostly breasts, but some clear frontals (see #18 and #19), and a
couple of fleeting butt shots.
Olivia D'Abo - the full monty, but covered with soap.
Ana Obregon - breasts
Unknown - breasts. She stayed anonymous. Would you want your name circulated
if you did a sex scene with George Kennedy?
Words and pictures from Hankster:
With the high price of fuel, we decided to leave the old Time Machine
parked and take another look at "Lolita 2000" (1997).
Two more babes, first up Heather James getting it on with a dude in a
diner restroom. Mostly just boobs from her.
Then we have Taylor St. Claire and she's doing the deed in a booth in a
diner. Taylor gives us a look at pretty much all if the goods.
Now take a good look at the final cap of both women and tell me if you see
what I think I see. Look's to me like somebody's tool is hanging out.
|Words and pics from
|Veronica Ferres in
Brigit Forsyth in "The Night Digger"
Laila Goody in "Jonny Vang"
Kay Lenz in "The Passage" (I haven't seen pics from this movie before)
Virginia Madsen in "Artworks"
- a shame she didn't let 'em out..
Jeanne Moreau in "La mariée était en noir" (The Bride wore Black)
Pat Reeder - The Comedy Wire
Pat's comments in yellow:
WORLD'S LARGEST MASS BLIND DATE
Loser Convention 2005 - Wednesday at Nanyang Technological University in
Singapore, 536 freshmen attempted to set a new world record for "Largest
mass blind date." Singaporeans love world records and already hold them for
things ranging from burger-stuffing to fastest text-messaging. Organizers
of the mass blind date paired up the students into 268 couples, who had to spend
at least one hour together during a single 12-hour period.
* And was it worth it? NO!!
* At the end of the 12 hours, they all broke the world record for sprinting.
* One of the blind date girls set a new world record for "largest mass."
* Those big Moonie get-togethers don't count because all the blind daters get
PLASTIC SURGEONS OFFEND NURSES
How About Free Botox? - Nurses in Spain are demanding an apology from Dermoestetica. The plastic surgery company, which says its goal is to make
beauty affordable to all, launched its stock onto the market with an event
featuring 50 mini-skirted models dressed as hot nurses with stethoscopes.
The national nursing council said "women dressed as objects of desire...is not
the image of a person who saves lives." They demanded that Dermoestetica take
action to "repair the honour and good image of nurses."
* Okay, what do they want: facelifts or boob jobs?
* Why, this might make men have fantasize about women in nurse's uniforms!
* What they don't realize is that the average age of those models was 71.
VOLVO SEEKS PERMISSION TO DRIVE DRUNK
It's Safe, But It Doesn't Nag Enough - The safety-obsessed car maker Volvo is testing new systems that detect and warn impaired drivers, and they've
asked Swedish officials to let their test drivers have too much to drink so
they can see if it works. They say it would only be done on their private
test tracks; but in Sweden, even those are subject to strict laws that make
it illegal to drive after having more than one beer.
* Officials, however, can pass stupid laws after having all the beer they
* Why don't they just test it in Germany?
* As if anyone who'd buy a Volvo drinks beer!...Most beer drinkers would
RATHER die than be caught driving a Volvo anyway!
NAKED WOMEN-AND-FOOD NEWS ROUND-UP
More Like "Drain The Bottle" - A woman in Cologne, Germany, was questioned
by police after she went grocery shopping naked except for an unbuttoned
denim jacket. She explained that she had to do it because she'd lost a
spin-the-bottle contest, and she did it at 4 a.m. so no children would see.
A police spokesman said they could have arrested her, but "We're a
tolerant city that is open to the world," so they sent her home with a
* A warning to let the cops join in the next time she plays
* They're open to the world, just like her jacket.
* We can deduce from this that she was really hot-looking.
* The cops caught her in the produce section and grabbed her by the
Don't Squeeze The Tortes! - A bakery in Chelyabinsk, Russia, launched a new
ad campaign in which they convinced female staffers to pose for nude
photos, with the slogan, "Our buns are best!" Sales have boomed, mostly
from men coming in to be served by the women on the posters. They're now
planning a new campaign in which male bakery workers will pose nude, in
hopes of attracting women customers.
* The women will just think, "Eww! Put on a hairnet!"
* Do women REALLY want to see men who work in a bakery naked?
* They'll show us how they punch the holes in the donuts.
* The men are so sweaty, their slogan will be, "We have sticky buns!"
POOR LANGUAGE SKILLS RESULT IN TOPLESS PHOTOS
The Cameron Diaz Excuse - A U.S. District Judge ruled that Russian tennis
star Anastasia Myskina cannot stop a photographer from distributing topless
shots of her because she signed a release form. He photographed her three
years ago for GQ, and afterward asked her for some topless shots "just for
himself," promising they wouldn't be published. She agreed, and he later
sold them to a magazine. She claimed that with her limited command of
English, she didn't understand the release form, but the judge ruled that
wasn't a good enough excuse to void a contract.
* Any girl who looks like her should understand the universal language of
* She obviously understood, "Would you please take your top off?"
* Bush should appoint THAT judge to the Supreme Court!
UNIVERSITY FIRES HORNY JOURNALIST
Lust In Space - Former Boston Herald columnist Michael Gee was fired from
teaching journalism at Boston University after he wrote in an Internet post
that one of his students was "incredibly hot" and "it was all I could do to
remember the other five students. I sense danger, Will Robinson." When
another poster warned him to be careful, Gee wrote that he was flattered
anyone thought she would have sex with him, "which, if I have any news
instincts, she won't," but he couldn't focus when he met her "to-die-for
eyes." A university spokesman said students should know they're being
judged impartially, not on whether they have hot bods.
* At least until they get their journalism degrees and go into television,
where they'll be hired for their hot bods.
* This guy spent too many years covering the Kennedys.
* My news instincts tell me that since he's no longer her teacher, there's
no way she's having sex with him.
WOMEN IN CHARGE OF DIGITAL RECORDERS
The Chances Were Remote - A Lifetime Television survey of buyers of digital
TV recorders found that among married owners, in nearly half the families,
the wife made the decision to buy the electronic gizmo, and 55 percent of
wives say they can work it better than their husbands can. Lifetime
spokesman Tim Brooks called the findings "dramatic and counterintuitive."
* Even more shocking, a MAN works at Lifetime!
* He was immediately replaced with a spokeswoman.
* Oprah's on five times a week, so the women get more practice.
* The women got digital recorders so they can record 200
disease-of-the-week movies off of Lifetime.
TYSON PONDERS PIGEONS AND PORN
He's Been Talking Jenna's Ear Off - Mike Tyson is managing to keep busy.
Tuesday, he got permission from officials in a posh Phoenix suburb to build
a $12,000, air-conditioned pigeon coop. Tyson loves pigeons so much, his
boxing career reportedly started when he was a kid and he beat up a bully
who killed one of his pigeons. Tyson has also reportedly been talking to
Jenna Jameson about launching a career in porn.
* Pigeon porn...
* Porn is perfect for him: it's mindless rough sex, and you get paid for
it!...Plus, we already know he'll chew on anything...And there's no
foreplay, so the women don't have to worry about him nibbling their ears.
* The pigeon coop has to be air-conditioned because Mike is living in it
SOMERS BOMBS ON BROADWAY
The Terrorists Have Won - Susanne Somers' one-woman Broadway show "The
Blonde In The Convertible," which combines tales of her struggles
(alcoholic father, single motherhood, breast cancer, etc.) with show tunes,
will close after eight performances due to awful reviews. Critics called
it smug, narcissistic, and "a therapy session crossed with a tacky Las
Vegas review." Comparing herself to Abu Ghraib prisoners, Somers told the
New York Post, "These men are curmudgeons, and maybe I went too close to
the bone for them. I was lying there naked, and they decided to kick me
and step on me, just like these visions you see in Iraq."
* The only similarity to Iraq was the intensity of the bombing.
* If she'd just laid there naked, it might've been worth seeing.
* If the Abu Ghraib prisoners had sat through this, there would've been
cries of "Torture!"
* She should've called out for a doctor...a script doctor.
* Worse, the New York Times said she was miscast as herself.
WHAT MOVIE STARS ARE REALLY LIKE
Neither Does Tom - Two longtime showbiz interviewers told the New York
Post's Page Six what the stars are really like on press junkets. They said
Angelina Jolie wears jeans and no makeup and is a lot of fun. But Harrison
Ford has a bad temper; Catherine Zeta-Jones is gorgeous but "intellectually
weak" and embarrasses herself by telling jokes that only she laughs at; and
up-close, Brad Pitt has yellow, cigarette-stained teeth and "pockmarks the
size of the La Brea Tar Pits." And Tom Cruise has only two ways of
expressing himself: a dead-serious stare or laughing and laughing
inexplicably. They said, "It's disturbing. You don't know what he's
* Probably at the reporters, for believing his "I'm in love with Katie
* Sounds like a chemical imbalance...Maybe medication would help.
* Angelina has no makeup because Brad took it all to cover his zits.
* You mean the men DON'T laugh at Catherine Zeta-Jones' jokes?!
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
The eight worst things you can say to a traffic cop.
Can The Producers overcome the public's lack of
enthusiasm for movie musicals?
The international trailer from Paradise Now
- "'Paradise Now' is the story of what may be the
last 48 hours in the lives of two Palestinian men -
friends since childhood - who have been recruited as
suicide bombers. When they are intercepted at the
Israeli border and separated from their handlers, a
young woman who discovers their plan causes them to
reconsider their actions. But with pressure mounting,
time running out, and passions running high...there's
no way to know which way they will go. 'Paradise Now'
is especially noteworthy because it gives voice to
Palestinian condemnation of violence. As a testament
to its humanity and its balanced portrayal of such
volatile subject matter, the film has received
official backing from the Israeli government."
The first six minutes of Happy Endings
- "Mamie is being blackmailed. This filmmaker named
Nick claims to know Mamie's son - the one she gave up
for adoption - but Nick won't introduce her to him
unless he can film the reunion. Enter Javier, Mamie's
massage therapist boyfriend, who convinces Nick to
film him instead. Now they're all making a movie about
massage. And 'happy endings'... Charley has a longtime
boyfriend named Gil. Their best friends, Pam and
Diane, once tried using Gil as a sperm donor. They
said his sperm didn't take, but Charley thinks those
selfish, control-freak lesbians are lying. Pam and
Diane's two-year-old son looks exactly like Gil. And
it's time to set the record straight... Jude is
pissed. Not at anyone in particular. Just in general.
When her cousin kicks her out of the house, Jude
shacks up with Otis, who's still trying to convince
his father, Frank, that he's straight. Frank's a
widower. And he's rich. So Jude decides to sleep with
him, too. Really. The last thing she expected was to
fall in love..."
- Tom Arnold, Jesse Bradford, Bobby Cannavale, Sarah
Clarke, Steve Coogan, Laura Dern, Lisa Kudrow, Jason
Ritter, David Sutcliffe and Maggie Gyllenhaal
X-tina's Unseen Maxim Pictures. Impressive.
Running an Automobile on Water
The Straight Dope: Do things really get crazy when the
moon is full?
Whatever happened to ,,, Alicia Silverstone??
She "enjoys radio astronomy, quantum mechanics and most
of all, configuring a Cisco 3620" Good, good times!
Conan helps out kids with their SAT analogies.
Did you ever wonder what women go through to get a
bikini wax? (Not sexual, but still a very naughty
video in terms of nudity.)
A new clip from the Dukes of Hazzard
A report back on the
"27th Annual Mooning of Amtrak"
Controlling your sound system with your butt.
You may have missed this episode of 24
The Daily Show:
"What do we know about John Roberts? He's the Tom Cruise
character in All the Right Moves!"
A look at the new comedy sensation, The Hollow Men
Heartbreaking news for you hopeless romantics:
No wedding bells for Pam and Tommy Lee
Get your own Wizard name. Mine is Ludo Lestrange.
Michael Jackson is reportedly planning to move to Europe
and could rebuild Neverland in Germany or Switzerland.
Switzerland needs him to revitalize a traditional
industry. They've been running a little low on cuckoos.
Man dismembered wife with a chainsaw to stop her
'bullying' ... "He denies murder, but admitted
preventing the burial of a corpse."
Photographer Admits Diaz Signature is Probably a Fake.
Asked repeatedly by Deputy District Attorney David
Walgren whether he now believes the signature is fake,
Rutter said several times, "It looks like that." The
story is that his assistant was supposed to take care of
securing the signatures.
Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for Other Crap
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