"The Beach" (2000)

Scoopy presented a pretty harsh review of "The Beach" about a week ago. Now I don't usually disagree with him, but "The Beach" is unparalleled among films made in the last 10 years. It will become the standard by which bad films are measured. Scoop mentioned the odd geography of the island where the characters climb down from sea level, then have to jump to the bottom of a waterfall. Of course, the lagoon they jumped into was surrounded by cliffs. Odd that the beach is only a few footsteps away.

Decaprio plays an American who is bored and wants to experience something different. What he never realizes is that it is he who is boring. Among the high points of the film:

• The film runs for nearly two hours, yet requires constant voice-over to cover the ten minutes of plot.
• Dicaprio would rather play with his Game Boy then have sex with Ledoyen.
• Despite a total lack of sunscreen, none of these Caucasians get sunburned.
• Everything Decaprio puts in his mouth from the jungle is a hallucinogen.
• It is filmed in scenic Bangkok, and a tropical jungle, yet has nearly no memorable cinematography.
• Fish are easily speared in the surf by a crowd of splashing bathers.
• They take the clothes off of Virginie Ledoyan, who is worth seeing naked, then shoot the scene so dark that you can't see her.
• As if demented Thai drug growers with automatic weapons were not villain enough, they create the most predatory sharks yet filmed.
• The moral seems to be that if you are kicked out of paradise, you can always console yourself with an IMac.

The film left me wondering if Decaprio has any talent, or if he got a lucky role with Titanic. He better choose his next project carefully.

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Virginie Ledoyen (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

"The Whole Nine Yards" (2000)

The Whole Nine Yards is the best comedy I have seen this year. Bruce Willis is superb as a hit man, Matthew Perry is hilarious as a meek dentist who gets tangled up in more intrigue than he ever thought possible, and Amanda Peet not only provides great, well-lit exposure, but plays an irresistible apprentice hit woman. Rather than summarize the plot, and ruin the surprise, let me just say that this film was the fastest 98 minutes I have spent in a long time.

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Amanda Peet (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

"Cannibal Ferox" (1980)

Really screwy exploitation movie from 1980, also known as "Make Them Die Slowly". Some exploitation films deserved the genre title because they delivered nothing of what they promised, and were pure hype. Others deserved to be called exploitation flicks because they delivered exactly what they promised. This one was part of the latter category - it delivered the goods. This movie has cannibalism, dismemberment, mutilation, and other related activities in abundance. It isn't heavy on nudity, but there is some, and it's an oddball genre flick that will hold your attention by its sheer audacity.

Strangely enough for a crap movie of this genre, it was filmed on location in the Amazon, with a script that attempted some irony, a cohesive plotline, and some multi-dimensional character development. Now, don't get me wrong. You won't feel inclined to compare it to "Smiles of a Summer Night" or "Grand Illusion", and the acting is lame, but the film is in focus and the thing kinda makes sense on its own terms. Warning: probably not a good date movie, unless you're seeing Squeaky Fromme.

Here are two reviews from people who actually know something about this genre: (1, 2)

Zora Kerova (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) Lorraine de Selle (1, 2) unidentified but beautiful indigenous tribeswoman with a significant part

""La Signora Gioca Bene a Scopa" (Italy, 1974), from Johnny Web and TomCat

Tomcat reports: "These are some captures from Italian television. This channel is scrambled in the Telepiu packet. However, it is now a fortunate time for Europeans, subscribers of any SECA digital packet. It is possible to create one's own key card and open all packets scrambled in SECA (Telepiu, Absat, CSN, Canal +, ...)"

This movie features Edwige Fenech. (1, 2, 3)

Sarain Boylan

If you are able to get a 4:3 TV-version of this film, it's highly recommended compared to this widescreen version because it shows a lot more skin, especially Irène's lower regions.

Here are the nudity highlights: #'s 3-9 boobs everywhere. #'s 10-12, more boobs, and some masturbation. #'s 13-20, boobs, boobs, and more boobs. #21 boobs, and a nice below the equator frame.