Countess Elizabeth Bathory (Wikipedia entry) was a Hungarian noblewoman who was almost a precise contemporary of Shakespeare (Bathory: 1560-1614; Shakespeare: 1564-1616). According to common legend, she was a monster. The Guinness Book of Records, for example, credits her as the top female serial killer of all time. Some place her body count as high as 650, and nobody attributes fewer than 36 deaths to her cruel hands. The most horrific legends, which have no basis in evidence as far as I can determine, picture her bathing in the blood of virgins in order to remain perennially young. Popular myth snowballed her reputation as it did for that of Vlad Dracul, so folklore had already transmogrified her into an ogress before our time. The B movies of the 20th century finished the job for both  Bathory and Dracul, essentially completing their metamorphosis into the Count and Countess of blood.

There is, or at least there ought to be, some distinction drawn between the two cases. Vlad Dracul was not Dracula, but he was an extremely cruel and arbitrarily unpleasant man, so there was plenty of justification for his demonic reputation. It's not really so clear that Countess Bathory was really evil. It is the premise of this film that the countess was framed by rival nobles and Catholic clerics who wanted to grab some chunks of her vast estates. That may be partially or even entirely true. After 400 years, it's not really possible to sort out the accusations and counter-accusations to determine where the legends end and the facts begin. The countess was indeed a very rich widow whose land holdings were envied by all. It was indeed a time when Catholics and Protestants slaughtered one another in God's name, and she was the country's most powerful Protestant, so it is not surprising to hear that she was accused of blasphemy. Accusing someone of sacrilegious or blasphemous behavior in those days was like accusing someone of being a communist in the 1950s - a convenient way to get an enemy out of the way. Although there was some evidence presented against her and her servants, it was not unheard of in those days for investigators to extract evidence out of thin air with bribes, intimidation and torture. It is possible that every single accusation against her is invalid. And don't forget, some of the most wild-eyed accusations against her were made by people who believed in vampires and thought that cancer could be cured with leeches.

In other words, the film's general aspiration - to debunk the grisliest of the Bathory legends - has merit. The film's specific treatment, however, is just ridiculous. Instead of debunking the legend with common sense and verifiable facts, it supplants it another legend which is even more preposterous. It involves a witch with miraculous herbs, and some roller-skating monks with anachronistically advanced scientific gizmos. To make matters worse, the script presents some scenes which seem to confirm the dark Bathory legends, only to turn around and reveal that those actions to be either something she did while under the influence of hallucinogenic drugs, or something she imagined while in the grip of those drugs. The script also assigns the countess a long-term romance in Slovakia with the artist Caravaggio who, to the best of my knowledge, never left the territory which now forms the modern country of Italy, except for one trip to Malta. In addition to the geographical problem, there is no evidence that Caravaggio liked girls. On the other hand, none the love story's authenticity problems really matter, because even if all the details were true, or at least believable, the romance is a gratuitous add-on which seems to have zero relevance to the main storyline.

Oh, and about that whole wacky "bathing in blood" thing ... easily explained by natural herbs that turned the water red.

One has to wonder whom the auteur had pictured in his ideal audience. Could somebody love this film? Would the people who relate to the explicit blood and gore also enjoy the sappy love story, and vice-versa? Would the people who admire a skeptical approach to legendary history also approve of superseding a silly legend with a sillier one?

The wild tone shifts and overall offbeat presentation are not helped by the fact that some of the supporting actors have a dubious grasp of the English language and, for that matter, the craft of acting. On the other hand, the period imagery looks great: elegant balls, bleak battlefields, lusty wenches, picturesque bucolic views, flashing swords, imposing castles, candles everywhere. I have no idea whether it is all authentic, but my guess is that it is not, based upon the existence of roller-skating monks. Accurate or not, it looks terrific, except for some cheap CGI effects in a few scattered scenes. The outdoor cinematography is especially impressive. Some of the pastoral still-lifes are so gorgeous that you could use prints of them as backgrounds for your desktop. Unfortunately, those beautiful images should have gone straight-to-jigsaw-puzzle because the script is utterly trivial, and the film lasts two and a quarter hours with no apparent artistic or economic reason to exist.


The good news?

There is quite a bit of nudity

Here is a sample of the quality from the Anna Friel clip (not so bad):


  • * Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).

  • * White asterisk: expanded format.

  • * Blue asterisk: not mine.

  • No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.







"Moccasin Flats"

(TV series) (2003-2006)

Small budget cable series starring Andrea Menard as a lesbian cop and two of the Podemski sisters.

Season 1, episode 4 "Deeper"

(1) Andrea Menard & Michelle Thrush: hot lesbo action

Season 1, episode 6 "The Resting Place"

(2) Simantha Whitecalf: bare butt making bull with two backs

Season 2, episode 2 "The Ties That Bind"

(3) Andrea Menard: partial boob having lesbian sex

(4) Olecia Obarianyk: the only full breast exposure in the entire series

Season 2, episode 3 "In the Mix"

(5) Andrea Menard & Barb Metcalf: sideboob by Andrea getting massage then lesbian kiss.

Season 2, episode 4 "Home Security"

(6) Andrea Menard & Michelle Thrush: nude lesbo action

(7) Sarah Podemski: very sexy MILF

Season 2, episode 5 "Signs"

(8) Sarah Podemski: now down to brassiere

Season 2, episode 6 "Home Invasion"

(9) Sarah Podemski: fully clothed sex

Season 2, episode 7 "The Party's Over"

(10) Andrea Menard & Barb Metcalf: lesbian kiss

Season 3, episode 1 "Lost and Found"

(11) Andrea Menard & Jennifer Podemski: very sexy lesbians

(12) Sarah Podemski: partial boob in bathtub

Season 3, episode 5 "Pay the Piper"

(13) Andrea Lewis: Degrassi starlet's boobs almost falling out

(14) Andrea Menard: partial boob after having hetero sex

Season 3, episode 6 "Whose Team Are You One?"

(15) Andrea Menard & Jennifer Podemski: nude lesbian sex

(16) Sarah Podemski: partial boob having sex

Season 3, episode 8 "The Other Side"

(17) Andrea Menard: tight jeans fighting off rapist in series finale

(18) Andrea Menard: collage of the above


Olecia Obarianyk after her topless appearance went on to represent Saskatchewan in the Miss World Canada pageant in 2006. She has since became a fashion model and now only does more family-orientated acting gigs.

(19) "Corner Gas" episode "Top Gum": sexy as farmer's daughter

(20) "Finn on the Fly": sexy as shopper








"Dream On"

Season 2: Cherie Michan DVD film clip (frame captures below)

Season 2: Connie Woods DVD film clip (frame captures below)

Season 2: Susan Ashley DVD film clip (frame captures below)

Dream On will conclude tomorrow







Hankster is traveling and will return soon.







Notes and collages

The Human Tornado


Barbara Gerl








The Last Resort



America Olivo film clip (collages below)

Sita Young film clip (collages below)







The Ring Finger

I do seem to have a habit of stumbling into strange movies, and this French drama, somewhat of a romance but mostly just weird, is a good example. At the end, you may think you've been watching an episode of The Twilight Zone.

Beautiful young Iris (Olga Kurylenko in her screen debut) is miserable in her job at a wine bottling plant. After badly cutting her finger on a broken bottle, she quits and searches for a new job.

Iris takes a job at a laboratory where they collect "specimens" for people. These specimens are usually objects from their past that remind them of good, or often bad, events, and they want them stored for eternity. As strange as the place is, the director is even stranger, but Iris is drawn to him and eventually has an affair with him. This inevitably leads to jealousy, and a really bizarre ending.

I won't categorize this movie as good or bad, just extremely, weirdly different. Most important, though, is that Olga Kurylenko has some great nudity in it, and she looks really hot.

Olga Kurylenko







It seems like it's always Anna Friel Day lately.

 Here's an upskirt to go with her appearance in Bathory.

Great upskirt from Ali Larter. Incredible quality. You can see in one of the pics that she's wearing a thong, but for the most part, the illusion of nudity is complete. The non-nude (first pic) is much lower quality, and is there just to show you that it really is Ali.


I'll bet every damn one of you knows this scene.

Linda Kozlowski in the blockbuster 1980s hit Crocodile Dundee.


Film Clips

Chase Masterson in Digital Man

Edwige Fenech in Grazie Nonna

Vincenta Ndongo in Lobos de Washington

Florence Guerin and Josephine Jones in Black Venus (samples below)



Katherine Heigl in Zyzzyx Road. There's no nudity, but this clip and the collages below are here for two reasons: (1) It's big-shot Hollywood chick Katherine Heigl looking sexy; (2) this film is a curiosity item. Zyzzyx Road is the lowest-grossing film in the history of movies. It grossed a whopping $30 in its theatrical release. I reckon that $30 is either three or four tickets. Total. In six days.

Liliana Santos and Sandra Coias in Second Life (repeat video - new collages below)



Tatjana Patitz in Rising Sun (samples below)

Tylyn John and Shelley Michelle in Rising Sun (sample below)