"No Good Deed"
No Good Deed (2002) is less than the sum of its parts. It was finally given a brief theatrical review, and is now on video. The ingredients look promising. We have a plot based on a Dashiel Hammett short story, The House on Turk Street, Samuel Jackson as a diabetic cello playing police detective, Stellan Skarsgard and Doug Hutchison as bad guys, and Milla Jovovich as a femme fatal. All of this is directed by Bob Rafelson (Five Easy Pieces, The Postman Always Rings Twice.). Jackson is supposed to be going to band camp for vacation, but agrees to try and locate a neighbors runaway daughter, when he happens into a house inhabited by an oddball gang in the last stages of a $10M bank swindle. They assume he is after them, tie him to a chair, and hold him prisoner.
Stellan Skarsgard is the cool mastermind behind the scheme, Doug Hutchison is a hothead muscleman, and both think they will end up with Jovovich. She has the ability to charm any man when she wants something. When it is time for the heist, she is left to guard Jackson. The two get to know each other, and she reveals that she had been a concert pianist in Russia. There is also an old couple in on the heist, and a bank officer who also thinks Jovovich will be his.
Things, of course, start going wrong, until only Skarsgard, Jovovich and Jackson are left, and there is a chance that Jackson and Jovovich will end up together. Jovovich shows breasts, buns, and a little bush getting out of the shower. She also has a nip slip. IMDB readers have this at 5.2 of 10. Ebert liked it at three stars, mainly because of the noir atmosphere. Most critics were as unempressed as audiences. I found it a little slow, and didn't relate to Jackson's character at all. C-.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Angels Hard as they Come (1971):
There was a large volume of quickie exploitation films shot to fill
out the double and triple features for drive-ins in the 60s and 70s:
biker films, cheapo horror, nudies. Although complete shit, this was
one of the better biker films, featuring a script by Jonathan Demme
(Silence of the Lambs) and co-starring Gary Busey and Scott Glenn. (See
the review page for pictures.)
- Janet Wood (1,
2) (If you like Janet, check her encyclopedia volume.
She did extensive nudity in a film called Up!, and Tuna capped the
hell out of it)
- Nina Davis
No Good Deed (2002):
It doesn't get much worse than this. It opened in 402 theaters
its first week, and grossed only $127,000. Do the math. $315 per
theater. Playing four times a day, that's 28 showings - $11 per
showing. That means an average of one and a half people
watched it every time it screened. At least the studio didn't have
to worry about bad word of mouth. Nobody saw it to talk about it.
Madonna's notorious stinker, Swept Away, was in half as many
theaters, and grossed three times as much.
Oh, yeah, 0% good reviews at Rotten Tomatoes. (A bit deceptive.
Roger Ebert did give it a positive review.)
What a suck-fest, considering what they had to work with. I think
you could argue that this is the worst film ever made in this sense:
if I gave you twelve million dollars, Milla Jovovich and Samuel L
Jackson, I am convinced that any one of you could make a better
movie than this.
Unless Madonna is reading this.
This film is also known as The House on Turk Street,
which is also the title of the loosely adapted source material, a
short story written in the 1920s by Dashiell Hammett, the father of
modern American detective fiction, creator of Sam Spade and The Thin
I was looking at the reviews for this film and was
fascinated. When a film is in limited release, the published reviews
will ordinarily be from New York and LA, and maybe the Austin Chronicle. For
this film, the MRQE shows reviews from only three cities:
Pittsburgh, Cleveland, and Chicago. There are none from New York or L.A. That
had to be one offbeat marketing plan. Despite the direction of Oscar
nominee Bob Rafelson (Five Easy Pieces), and the presence of Samuel
L and Milla, the film bombed big-time in the States. The
investors certainly didn't plan to recoup their money with a hot
DVD. This one came out with no meaningful features at all, not even
a widescreen version of the film, a fact which is made insulting to
consumers by the fact that disc's only feature on this movie is a trailer - a
widescreen trailer. (See
the review page for pictures)
One of those three cities where the film got reviewed
was Chicago, and that happens to be the hometown of Roger Ebert, so
it just so happens that pretty much nobody reviewed this except the
best known reviewer on the planet. Strange stuff. (As I
mentioned, he liked
it. God knows why.)
Samuel L. Jackson plays
a cop who has been asked to find a friend's runaway daughter. He
delayed his vacation to do this good deed. When he started to look
for the girl, he stumbled accidentally into a crackpot gang of bank
robbers who thought he was looking for them. Milla Jovovich plays
the femme fatale, a Russian former piano prodigy turned gun moll,
whose contribution to the gang is her ability to make everyone think
she is in love with him and him alone, including a bank officer who
was essential to their plan.
At one point, Milla and Jackson played a piano/cello duet. Here's
how that happened. Jackson is a cello-playing detective. Milla found
out. Jackson was tied up in the criminal lair. Milla untied him,
then held a gun on him and forced him to play. They bonded. She set
down the gun so that he could give her a cello lesson. After the
lesson, he went back to his bonds. No explanation. We see him free,
talking to her, then we see the criminals doing their thing in the
bank, then we see Jackson back in his bonds.
OK, let's think about that.
Let's say you believe that Jackson, suddenly unbound and no
longer covered by a gun, is such an honorable man that he gave her a
cello lesson instead of picking up the gun, arresting her, and
escaping. OK, you're a gullible fool, because Samuel L. knew that
the psychotic evil dudes would probably come back and kill him, and
he also knew they were pulling off a massive bank job, but I'll be
generous and call you a romantic, because Milla had saved his life
earlier, and he owed her one.
But I still have one more question for you: how many criminal
gangs keep a spare cello on hand?
Here's how that happened. Jackson is a diabetic who lapsed into a
coma. Milla rifled through his IDs, found his address, went to his
apartment, got his insulin, and rushed back to save his life.
Oh, and while she was there she noticed that he owned a cello, so
she brought that, too. Just grabbed it on the way out.
By carrying a cello case larger than her own body.
Oh, yeah, she also brought his sheet music, and his music stand.
I don't even want to talk about the details of the actual
robbery, in which the stupid psychotic guy said stuff like "I found
that the power source is guarded by an unexpected security back-up
that will need to be disabled. It's controlled by the main computer,
and I'll have to hack into it. It'll take me
an extra 2-3 minutes." Geez, imagine how fast a smart guy
could have done it.
Oh, well, there is one major positive: Milla naked.
Lemon Sound, le site de la culture clubbing - DJ avec beaucoup
Kelly Burke was the Playmate of the Month in
June of 1966, the month I graduated from high school. Here is
a free nude
Playmate Gallery Courtesy of PlayboyPlus.com!
Here's another gift possibility for the difficult-to-please
name on your Christmas list - a four hundred year old wax
vagina It is not known how they separated it from Cher.
Buckling under pressure from loyalists of former President
Ronald Reagan, CBS announced today that it would shelve its
controversial Reagan miniseries starring actor James Brolin
and would instead air a new miniseries, Everybody Loves
Reagan, starring David Hasselhoff. You have to read this
article. Funny stuff, as usual, from Borowitz.
How the Gipper became Saint Ronald. I still can't figure
out why Paul is a saint and Minneapolis isn't? Minneapolis was
every bit as holy. I mean, they're twins, right? How would you
like it if your twin made saint and you didn't?
Hey, Affleck has bigger boobs than J-Lo! Pretty sure she
still has him in the all-important rear guard.
Matrix Revolutions opening day: $43 million worldwide,
including $24 million in the USA.
Hunter Thompson came back, so Johnny Depp
taunted him a second time.
Depp plays Hunter again in The Rum Diary
Paris Hilton's lawyers seek to halt the spread of her sex
video. OK, maybe "spread" wasn't the right word to use
What the fuck is wrong with John Cusack? Didn't he used to be
cool? First America's Sweethearts, then Serendipity, now he's
dating our favorite mouseketeer?
Top ten reasons Letterman's excited to be a father for the
The Rutgers Scarlet Knights are the nation's best football
team - at beating the Vegas line
BBC Radio - Name that national anthem
"Dernell Stenson, promising young Cincinnati Reds outfielder,
was found slain in a residential neighborhood in Phoenix.
The bra and panties are designed to help give up cigarettes.
Pixar Studios has an excellent website, as you might expect.
90s music nostalgia could be the next big format on Seattle
dials. Wow, 1999 - deep in the past. Actually, this trend
is not that weird, and has happened before. When I was a high
school sophomore in 1963, we considered music from the middle
50s to be oldies, and we considered music from the early 50's
(pre-rock) not to be music at all.
Abandon Ware - URL says it all: Oldgames.org
Continuing our NBA tour: The Utah Jazz Dancers
John & Rebecca's Steamy Sex Life
Beloved golfing legend Arnold Palmer announced his plans to
remarry at age 74.
The United States Mint unveils new designs for the obverse of
the nickel. Interestingly, one of them shows the US Senate
shaking hands with Hallibrton.
Apparently Anna Nicole is no longer obese.
San Diego Padres get rid of sucky orange uniforms. Looks
like they drove up the coast a bit and raided the Dodgers'
VICTORIA BECKHAM will ask YOU to decide which music she does
best by releasing a dance tune and a hip-hop number on the
same day. The two tracks will make up a double A-side. Posh
will then listen to reaction and see which gets more radio and
TV plays before deciding which style of music to follow. I
vote for naked Native American rain dances. If there is no
such thing, invent it.
Commerce Minister says "Minnie Driver can be harmful to
Cambodia". Only Cambodia? I guess she's OK for the rest of
Southeast Asia. Apparently "Beautiful" has finally made it to
Her authorized biography says that former prisoner of war
Jessica Lynch was raped by her Iraqi captors.
'I'm No Hero' -Former Iraq Captive Jessica Lynch
WiggerDressUp.com Now you can have a Betsy McCall you can
relate to. Dress up Eminem. Why would anyone want to do this?
THE PICTURE OF EVERYTHING by Howard Hallis There is
nothing lacking in this man's ambition. It's like the world's
hardest "Where's Waldo"
In case you don't have the time to look, here is Waldo
"A Hard-on for Numbers" is an actual headline in The Houston
Danny DeVito will guest star on "Friends" as a male stripper
Next week sees the launch of the so-called 'Miss Digital
World' competition - a chance for designers and programmers to
win a virtual beauty contest by sending their
computer-generated e-Babes down the online catwalk.
archives. May also include newer material than the ones above,
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick
Locke, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Ok, so we're not covering any new ground here, but since I found this in the bargain bin for only $5.99, I figured why not take another look at Pam Anderson in "Barb Wire" (1996).
Personally, I kinda like this flick. It's poorly acted and the plot is a cheap rip off of "Casablanca", but so what...it's funny! Of course all the humor is unintentional, but if you think of it as a campy and toungue in cheek, it's a decent watch.
At the time, Pammy was just about the hottest babe on the planet thanks to "Baywatch", so naturally they took advantage of that by starting the movie with 5 minutes of Anderson baring her breasts and being hosed down. Not too shabby. For the average viewer, that's pretty much all you'll be able to stand of this flick. However, if you're a fan of "it's so bad it's good" movies, you should add this to your collection...especially if you can get it for 6 bucks.
- Pam Anderson
'Caps and comments by Dann:
One of the weirdest movies you'll ever see, this 2000 Sci-Fi comedy tells of life after the apocalypse where man has returned to being slobbering cavemen (so what's different?) and women have survived to form beauty cults, where they dress in outlandish make-up and segregate by hair color. The only clothing strong enough to survive were 50's style womens underclothes.
One group, the Superstarlets, set out to find their grandmother's stag films in the decaying old movie theaters. Since the Superstarlets have members of all hair colors, they are hated by all the other groups, so it's war among the beauties to find the films.
This movie is so campy, goofy, and uterly strange, that it's a lot of fun to watch. Oh, and to make it even stranger, it's shot in a mixture of black and white and color, and purposefully made very grainy. Makes for some tough caps, but interesting nonetheless.
|Gorgeous High Definition 'caps from Wednesday night's "Smallville". It could be an illusion, but it looks like there might be some see-thru nipple sightings in links 4, 6 and 7.
|A little cleavage from Wednesday night's episode of "The O.C.".
|The producers of "That '70s Show" have a strategy for November sweeps..."More Skin". On Wednesday night's episode Kunis was in a bikini (#1) and then joined by Laura Prepon for a barely dressed dance number (#2).
|Señor Skin 'caps of Stone topless and baring her bum in scenes from the 1993 'thriller' "Sliver".
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
MOST WORKERS INCOMPETENT
The Peter Principle - The British job firm Cognisco studied 40,000
employees over three years in all types of workplaces and found that eight
in ten are no good at their jobs. Only 18 percent could pass Cognisco's
test of basic skills for the jobs they held. Lucky for them, they manage
to avoid making any huge blunders, so they don't get fired. However, four
out of ten are hopelessly incompetent, and these are also the workers with
the most self-confidence, who are always giving out wrong information and
selling people the wrong insurance policies.
And getting elected to Congress...
So always buy insurance from someone with no self-confidence.
It's nice to know that 80 percent of the people installing gas lines in
homes don't know what they're doing.
Of course, this could all be wrong...After all, 80 percent of the
pollsters at Cognisco are incompetent.
LAWYER DEMANDS TWICE-DAILY SEX CONTRACT
She's Filing Divorce Papers - Israel's Yediot Aharonot newspaper reports
that an unnamed Israeli lawyer filed a court petition demanding that his
wife agree in writing to have sex with him twice a day, "every morning and
every night." He also demanded that she confirm she was complying "under
no pressure whatsoever." The court rejected his petition.
The judge suggested that he go screw himself.
Typical lawyer: he expects you to sign a contract that lets
him screw you, then thank him for it.
Hey, it's only twice a day! It wouldn't take ten minutes of her time,
GOLF NOW SPONSORED BY IMPOTENCE
We Turn Your Putter Into A Wood! - The makers of the new anti-impotence
drug Cialis have reached a sponsorship deal with the PGA Tour, to compete
with Viagra's sponsorship of the National Football League. A Cialis
spokeswoman said, "The people who watch and play golf are an important
audience to us."
Why? All they care about is golf.
Of all sportsmen, golfers have the smallest balls.
Golfers will take any pill that promises to turn them into a Tiger.
If golfers want to improve their sex lives, step one should be a new
EVERYONE'S A PORN STAR
A Second Chance For "The Bachelor's" Rejects - Former California
gubernatorial candidate and porn star Mary Carey will host a new reality
show on pay-per-view called "Can YOU Be A Porn Star?" 28 women will be
brought, four at a time, to a house in L.A. for photo shoots, interviews
and "surprises," competing for $100,000 cash and a one-year porn contract.
The producer compared it to "Paradise Hotel," except it will show "real
people having real sex," which is edited out of "Paradise Hotel."
This is more like the Paradise Motel.
Actually, it will be real women having real sex with the producer...In
that respect, it IS like "Paradise Hotel."
Actually, it's more like "Fear Factor," where the women have to be
willing to put horrible things in their mouths.
Do amateurs really have to compete to become porn stars? Isn't a home
video camera all it takes?
OH! I Get It, Now! - Mary Carey is also cashing in by starring in a porn
film lampooning the California governor's race. Carey will play herself,
with Ron Jeremy as Spooge Cruztamante and bodybuilder/porn star Lee Stone
as Ernie Gropenegger. Producer Mark Kulkis said, "It's kind of like
satirical. Our attorney told us to use different names from those of the
real candidates, but I guess it's pretty obvious."
I hate porn when the social satire is too obvious.
They should've asked Arnold; he might've been willing to play himself,
Arnold hasn't even taken office yet, and he's already creating thousands
of jobs for Mary Carey.
After just three low-rated episodes, Fox has canceled "Skin," a modern
"Romeo & Juliet" series about a romance between the kids of a warring D.A.
and a porn king...Like Romeo and Juliet, it was doomed from the start...Fox
never imagined people wouldn't tune in to see "Skin"...Viewers must've
thought it was one of those plastic surgery shows.
Heiress/model Paris Hilton is upset that an ex-boyfriend wants to market a
private sex tape they made...But who'd pay good money to see a stick figure
20 YEARS OF "WHEEL OF FORTUNE"
Yet "Skin" Was Canceled After Three Episodes - "Wheel of Fortune" has taped
its 4,000th episode, a highlights show to mark 20 years on the air. Vanna
White said it's so popular because watching it is one of the few things
entire families can do together. She said, "Even babies like to watch the
wheel go around."
Sure, it retards their development a little, but still...
Toddlers learn about the alphabet from it...For instance, they learn
that consonants are free, but vowels cost $250.
And watching Vanna reveal the letters keeps families one step above
Dads enjoy watching Vanna provide the T and A.