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"Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-rama" (1988)

Once in a while, you just have to step back from the new releases, soft-core and Eurotrash, and do one of the true cinema classics. This is one of those times. Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-rama is just such a classic. a sorority consisting of three girls is initiating two new pledges (Brinke Stevens and Michelle McClellan). NOTE: IMDB chooses to list Michele under her birth name of Bauer, and she has used at least 4 different variations of her stage name in her 112 films. Three total loser male room mates decide to spy on the initiation. When caught, the sadistic head of the sorority makes the two initiates and the three boys break into a mall bowling alley and bring back a bowling alley as proof.

Of course, the mall is owned by her father, and she plans on using the mall security cameras to watch, and prevent them from succeeding so she can paddle them some more. The troupe of runs into a real thief (Linnea Quigley) who helps them grab a trophy. They drop the trophy, and out pops an evil Imp.

By now it should be obvious that this film is a total spoof. With an IMDB rating of 3.8, most people don't think it is very successful as a comedy. However, the highest percentage of votes was 10. I am clearly not the only one who thinks this is entertaining. It does not hurt that both Brinke and Michelle give us full frontal.

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  • Brinke Stevens (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
  • Michelle McClellan (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

    "Color of Night" (1994)

    Color of Night is yet another Maltin Bomb that I found entertaining. Seems I am the only one who likes this film. This is my second run at it -- the first was the VHS version, and it produced some very nice images this time. Let me get a start at the plot. Bruce Willis is a fancy New York psychologist who watches in horror as a patient he has just been a little hard on jumps from his top story window. He, of course, blames himself, and is so shaken that he becomes color blind (her blood on the pavement faded from red to grey as he looked down).

    He abandons his practice, and heads out to California to visit his colleague/best friend/school chum hoping to heal. When he first arrives, his friend introduces him to a Monday night therapy group full of characters. The next day, his friend is murdered, and the therapy group becomes suspect. Willis is enlisted to take over the group and try to find the killer. Meanwhile, Jane March enters his life, and they move from hello to heavy moaning in record time.

    The detractors of this film mention that it is full of cliches, that the viewer knows who the killer is long before the "stupid characters," and that the directing is lose giving a slow pace. They also complain about excessive nudity and boring dialogue. I must be as stupid as the cast, as I did not figure out the identity of the killer ahead of Willis. I thought the acting was good to very good, the art direction was strong, and some of the character development was good. There is subtlety to the film that I think most people miss. I think the real reason for the bad reviews is that people are expecting Die Hard and get Agatha Christie with a lot of nudity. It would certainly not be as entertaining without the 17 minutes of exposure added to the director's cut. The DVD transfer is very well done.

    This film is certainly not a ten, and probably could have been directed and cut better, but I didn't hit fast-forward once. To me, that means it is watchable. Then again, I don't expect every film to be an Oscar contender, and don't detest those that aren't.

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    Review Only -- "Book of Stars"

    I usually leave the reviewing of new releases with no exposure to Scoopy, but, after watching The Book of Stars (1999), I couldn't help but comment. First a warning. The Book of Stars is to tear-jerker as Niagara Falls is to water. If this type of film is not your idea of cinema, forget this film. For the rest of you, it is the story of a young woman who has given up on herself, and is supporting herself, her drug habit, and her terminally ill sister with prostitution. Mary Stuart Masterson gives her best performance to date as the young prostitute, and Jena Malone gives an equally outstanding performance as the 15 year old sister with Cystic Fibrosis. Based on this and Jena's performance in Bastard Out of Carolina, she is going to be doing a lot of great work.

    Very strong supporting performances were turned in by Delroy Lindo as The Professor (a neighbor who befriends them), Karl Gary as an Eastern European immigrant ("my country doesn't exist now.") who also befriends them, and D. B. Sweeney, a prisoner who has read a book of poetry written by Masterson before she sunk into drugs and prostitution, and begins a pen pal relationship with the younger sister, believing it to be the older one.

    A universally stellar cast is a pretty good way to assure that a character driven drama will work, but the cast is only one of many strong points in this film. The score is perfect, as is the art direction and scenery. They are simply, yet reinforce the mood and emotions of the film. The story is told as a flashback, using as a device a "Book of Stars" created by the younger sister, which is a personal history told primarily in illustrations and symbols. As the film starts, Masterson says that through the book, her sister taught her how to turn the pages of her own life. In addition to providing some continuity for the story, the symbolism in the book enhances the understanding of the younger sister, and her relationship with Masterson. It is this relationship, and the way every element of the film is used to show the relationship that makes this yet another great Indie.

    There are not many reviews on-line. There are a few from Austin newspapers (Tasca Shadix, the screenwritter is from Austin), and a handful of comments from IMDB readers. Every one of them is positive. Also interesting is that 50% of those voting gave it 10/10.

  • Johnny Web

    Some capsules from Johnny Web. New releases with no flesh.

    Man, it wasn't a great week for new DVD releases. Four movies with no nudity, and three of the four stunk it up pretty bad. At least I got to watch High Fidelity.

    "Passion of Mind"

    Four words: bad movie, no nudity.

    If you are familiar with Julia and Julia, the Double Life of Veronique, Shattered Image, Sliding Doors, and Me Myself and I, then you have the general idea behind this lugubrious turkey..

    This time it is Demi Moore who plays the woman with two lives. One has a family in France. One is a career-minded single in New York. Moore is fully aware of all the actions that occur in both lives, but she can't figure out what is real and what isn't. And the resolution is sappy beyond measure, abetted by a closing musical score which can only be described as treacle.

    I could have told her. Nothing is real. Neither of these lives have any ground in reality.

    This movie is marked by competent acting, set design, and direction. All of those positives notwithstanding, it is unbearably boring and a complete waste of time. In the history of the human race, it is possibly the single largest waste of time and money in any human activity not involving Kevin Costner.

    Oops. I forgot about The Thirteenth Warrior there for a minute. OK, the second largest. Oh, and the Crimean War. OK, the third largest.

    There's just no way to overcome the trite premise and the awful script, and the fact that there's just no reason for the movie to exist.

    No nudity, but Demi wore a flimsy t-shirt.

    Box office: a major bomb, with domestic box under a million. The studio basically wrote it off, and it never made it to more than 122 screens.

    Consensus review: about 1.8 or 1.9 stars out of 4. Not reviewed by that many reviewers. Not archived by Rotten Tomatoes. Even at that low score, I'd say it's overrated. It's a really bad movie, covering ground that had already been covered many times, with several of those efforts from much better filmmakers.

    IMDB summary: 5.3 out of 10. (Berardinelli gave it 1.5 stars, Ebert 2)

    DVD info from Amazon. No special features of note. Nothing extra except a trailer. Two versions, a 4:3 Standard, and a 1.85 widescreen. If you buy this, it is God's way of telling you that you have too much money.

  • Demi Moore

    "High Fidelity"

    This is probably the most highly acclaimed movie of the year so far, but I couldn't quite get why people think it is so spectacular. I didn't find it roll-on-the-floor hilarious, or grab-your-heart moving. I think it's a good movie, but somehow I didn't connect with it the way so many people did. It seemed to me that it thought it was wiser and funnier than it really was.

    The fundamental premise: record store geek with no life gets dumped by his girl, and reviews why in minute detail.

    Ummm ... OK. That's pretty lame, but three things redeem it and make it excellent.

    The first big plus is that the geek in question is played by John Cusack, who continues to do what he has always done best - to be a normal likeable guy in a crazy insensitive world. It's Lane from Better Off Dead, except now he's grown up. And Cusack also contributed as a writer, so it is custom-tailored to his world view.

    The second big plus is that the movie treats the break-up subject with honesty and even a touch of poetry. Most touching was Cusack's "Top Five Things I Miss Most About Laura", a soliloquy as notable for Cusack's performance as for the words he speaks. (By the way, the top five lists are a running theme in the movie)

    The third big plus is a succession of great minor characters, especially Jack Black as the ultimate elitist passionate know-it-all music geek.

    No nudity at all. Not even close. Rated R for language and subject matter.

    Box office: not a blockbuster, but a moderate success in selected theaters (1231 screens.) Domestic box of $27 million on a $20 million budget.

    Consensus: about three and a half out of four. I guess that's about right. I'd place it a hair lower, but it's a good movie.

    IMDB summary: 8.0 out of 10. (In the top 200 of all time)

    Rotten Tomatoes summary. 86% positive, and 94% from he top critics.

    DVD info from Amazon. The DVD has plenty of extras. About a dozen deleted scenes, at least two of which are absolutely great and should have been left in. Plus conversations with Cusack (also a co-writer), and the director, and two versions of the film. This is worth owning.

    The two deleted scenes I loved:

    1. A great dialogue between John Cusack and Beverly D'Angelo as a woman selling her despised husband's record collection. I won't explain, because that would spoil it. Just watch it.

    2. A Cusack monologue. In the scenes which stayed in, we find out that Cusack said and did some pretty ugly things in the relationship, and he touchingly admits them directly to us over a beer. In the scene they cut, immediately after the confession, he gets up from the bar and says "Ok, I said and did those things, and you probably think I'm an asshole, but if you haven't already made up your mind about me - here's a top five list for you. Write down the worst five things you ever did to the person you've loved the most. It's especially good if they don't know about them. Don't try to explain or rationalize them. Just write them down honestly and factually." Cut to the outside of the bar. Cusack resumes his monologue coming through the bar door. "Ok, time's up. Pencils down. Read your list. ...

    ...Who's the asshole now?"

    "Ready to Rumble"

    I guess this is pleasant enough entertainment for the brain dead. Scott Caan and David Arquette are hardcore rasslin fans who help their fallen idol regain his lost glory.

    Oliver Platt takes the lead, and the rest of the wrestlers are real wrestlers from the past and present. The WCW obviously co-operated with the producers, and all the old familiar WCW faces are around, including the announcers.

    It's basically a self-contained wrestling plot, so if you like the rasslin' itself, you'll probably get a kick out of it.

    Scott Caan provided the only nudity, but Rose McGowan showed a little cleavage as the Head Nitro Girl.

    Box office: Not a great success, it grossed $12 million. That was extremely disappointing, considering it had a $24 million budget, and received wide distribution (2585 screens).

    Consensus: about 2 stars. That's reasonable, but you may like it better if you like the subject matter.

    IMDB summary: 6.1 out of 10.

    DVD info from Amazon.

  • Rose McGowan

    "28 Days"

    Like John Cusack, Sandra Bullock is invariably human and vulnerable. She's also generally charming and cute.

    Unlike Cusack, she doesn't seem to have any eye for spotting a winning script, and this must be about her zillionth consecutive turkey since Speed.

    This one isn't as bad as some of the others..It's a human film about alcohol rehab, and it is filled with what I assume are accurate portrayals of the typical characters and trials in this process. It would be OK as a movie of the week or a docudrama. But it's lightweight and superficial, and I can't imagine why anyone paid theatrical prices to see it.

    Surprisingly, Sandy was briefly naked behind some frosted glass OK, and showed the side of her hip as she got out of bed. It isn't much, but it's quite a bit for Sandy.

    Box office: $37 million domestic gross on a budget of $43 million. The movie was placed into general wide-spread distribution. (2523 screens). Even though it was in twice as many theaters, I am still amazed that this puppy took in so much more than High Fidelity.

    Consensus review: about two and a quarter stars. I'd say that's about right.

    IMDB summary: 6.4 out of 10.

    Rotten Tomatoes summary. 28% positive, and 43% from the top critics.

    DVD info from Amazon.

  • Sandra Bullock

    "Save Me" (1993)

    This isn't a new release, and isn't on DVD. But it has some nudity in it, and that from foxy Lysette Anthony, so it was a change of pace from this week's new releases.

    It is an erotic thriller which is about average in both the eroticism and the thrills. It does at least have some effort at a plot and a surprise ending to justify the sex scenes. Worth watching only to see Lysette get topless several times.

    Although you have to admire any movie that uses Kato Kaelin not once, but twice, in two different unrelated roles. (A security guard and a bond trader)

    IMDB summary: 6.3 out of 10. Too high (only 25 votes). That score implies two and a half stars our of four, and the movie isn't that good. With more votes, the score will probably fall down to the 5.0 range.

    VHS info from Amazon.

  • Lysette Anthony (1, 2, 3, 4)
  • Brainscan
    Alyssa Alps
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Sandra Washington

    Laetitia Casta

    Comments by Brainscan:
    Two items along the celeb nekkidness spectrum today. We got your Alyssa Alps (the mind races with odd mountain range commentary, none of which would be very clever, and so we move on). Since my BA (booby average) had fallen sharply with a couple days of 0-for-4, scrawny fashion model posts, I needed to hit for the cycle. Judges?

    Then we have a collage manufactured from an mpeg found while trolling the waters of the web. From its description in IMDB, the Night That Never Happened sounds like a Helcrom must-cap but their ain't no Sandra Washington in the Encyclopedia and so I moved to correct that oversight. This was Sandy's breakthrough role as "Nude Dancer"; from there she never looked back.

    And we end with a Laetitia Casta scan that may be known to most visitors to the Funhouse. But here is a woman known for her face and perfect (what's the word Stone Cold uses? Oh yes) guns; who woulda thunk she'd have legs like those. Gentlemen of the photographers guild: lower your cameras while photographing Miss Casta, shall we?

    Linnea Quigley

    Michelle Hall

    Stacey Howell

    Susan Le Sage

    Claudia Miller

    Nancy O'Neil

    Regina Russell

    Jenna Scott

    Lisa Throw

    Brittany Valenta

    One movie...10 women...10 collages...what does it all add up to? Lots of nudity!

    I think this is a perfect example of why Skinemax is around. There's no money wasted on scripts, dialect coaches, monster makeup, elaborate period costumes, or in this case set design. Just hire 10 babes, and a couple of guys. Light it, get their clothes off, and action!

    I've seen parts of this puppy, and I must say that it's about as lame as can be. There are cheap pornos shot with camcorders that had better production values, but that's not really the point. All that really matters is that you can click on any of these links and see just about everything these girls have to offer.

    By the way I have to give Linnea extra credit for still looking good and for still doing this kind of work, even at 40 something.

    All comments by PMS...

    Anne Heche Nothing spectacular, Just POKING around town looking for a new partner.
    Cameron Diaz I've seen this shot a few times around the net & I just wanted to see it again. Nice one piece bikini, I think she is running to look for the other piece she lost.
    Elisabeth Shue Left nipple sighting from the movie "The Trigger Effect".
    Geri Halliwell Geri has taken the saying too far - "Shop till you drop". She is actually trying on Jeans in an outdoor market in St. Tropez, Her skirt dropped too quickly as she was pulling the jeans up. When is she going to shop at my market?
    Kelly Brook I don't know anything about her here in Australia, so I left the text on the pic.
    Laetitia Casta Laetitia in the movie "The Blue Bicycle". I wish I could be the stunt double for the guy in the picture, that looks dangerous, he could get his eye poked out.
    Lil' Kim Her name says it all, but check out what she has to say. (Comments on the image)
    and ...
    Katherine Heigl This by far is my Pick of the Day! I've been saying it for months, Katherine will one day move her arm and show off the goods. Until then, here is one step closer to that dream come come true. I'm not positive, but my guess is this is from the Maxim shoot she did not long ago.
    Zeta Logotheti
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
    No clue who she is, but she looks great wearing a sea shell bikini on the pages of the Greek Maxim. Scans by Pentheus.
    Virginie Ledoyen
    (1, 2)
    Two 'new to me' collections of nude scenes from "Fin août, début septembre" ("Late August, Early September"). Both of these feature several of the same frames, but were compiled by different imaging artists. While they each have a different feel, the both offer great topless sequences from the young French actress.
    Gigi St. Blaque From Donbun...brand new, topless scene from the movie "Tales of Kama Sutra" (a.k.a. "Perfumed Garden").
    Stefania Sandrelli From the 1984 movie "Il Momento magico"
    Lilli Carati The former Miss Italy (1975) showing off her excellent form. Also from the movie "Il Momento magico".
    Water Polo Bloopers We had a different version of this a while back, but are two better pics, and a story to go along with it. Special thanks to Aussie.
    Samantha Ryan Full frontal (very cleverly concealed) of the Olympic Swimmer from Black and White Magazine.
    Australian Softball Team Another look at the Aussie Olympians going au naturale.
    Waneek Horn-Miller Canadian Olympian and Water Polo Assistant Team Captain.
    The Funnies by Number 6
    Indian Love call

    Two Indians and a Cajun were walking in the woods, all of a sudden on of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

    "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

    The Cajun was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?

    "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

    Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!". Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

    The Cajun wondered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, hoo, man! Look de size o' dis cave! It be bigger den dose de Injuns foun'. Der mus' be some really big, fine womans in dis cave!

    He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!". He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

    With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

    The following day, the headline of the New Orleans Times-Picayune read:


    17 ways you know you're from the Texas Panhandle

    1.You have used the phrase "fixin' to" during the last twelve months.
    2.Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
    3.You've ever been excused from school because "the cows got out".
    4.You can properly pronounce Chillicothe, Quitaque, and Quanah.
    5.You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration and he didn't mean farm animals.
    6.You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.
    7.You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother's birthday.
    8.You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are wimps.
    9.You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.
    10.You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.
    11.A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.
    12.Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it
    13.You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition and bait all in the same store.
    14.A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F150 4x4 is!
    15.You know that everything goes better with Ranch Dressing!
    16.You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
    17.A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

    Finally, you are definitely from the Panhandle (or any other part of Texas) if you have ever had this conversation:

    "You wanna Coke?"

    "What kind?"
    -"Dr. Pepper."

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