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Stone Cold
Yo, Scoop. I'm hangin'
in the city this summer by myself, because Lo
want to go to the Canadian Rockies. I try to
think it through, and I decide that the City is
better. My chart:
| Factor |
Canadian
Rockies |
Streets of New
York |
| Climate |
Freezin'
motherfuckin' cold |
Shirtsleeves |
| Elevation |
Scary
motherfuckin' high. |
No scary
elevations unless you go in an elevator.
Highest places are the Grand Concourse in
the Bronx, and a high curb on the corner
of 34th and 6th. |
| Wildlife |
Life-destroyin'
wildcats and grizzly bears |
Nose-destroyin'
winos and crack hos |
| Availability of
junk food groups necessary to human life |
None |
High |
So I'm out here alone,
fendin' for myself in life. There's a lotta shit
to know when you have to take care of yoself.
Today I go to do the dishes and I see that my
unopened box of SunLight has been improved with
RinseAid. The open box ain't got no motherfuckin'
RinseAid. Probably just cleaned and polished the
dishes with lye and Armorall 'n shit. So do I
take a chance on the rest of the old box,
probably fuckin' up Lo's dishes, or do I throw
the old mofo out and break out the RinseAid? See
what I mean? The new one leave the dishes
April-fresh. Do I want to take a chance on usin'
the old one and letting my dishes stink up like
some inferior smelly month, like October? Shit,
women know this stuff instinctively through
centuries of evolution in critical washday
decisions, where only the ones with truly fresh
dishes were able to attract a man, mate, and
produce offspring, so nature weeded out the
dishwater-disabled.
This she-it come from Celebrity
Sleuth. His main theme this month is Time
Bandits, and he got about 100 pictures of them
little guys from that movie, and them lil crackas
just as naked as shit with they lil johnsons just
wavin' up a storm. No, wrong kinda Time Bandits.
He got some former centerfold women and he show
how they look today, years, decades, or even
centuries after they posed for the Hutch. Here
they are in chronological order.
Diane Hunter, November 1954. Back then, Hef
didn't find his own staplesugars. "The first
19 were not discovered by Playboy. They bought
one-time rights from the same calendar company
that sold them the famous Marilyn Monroe shot.
The magazine never paid her - or even made her
aware of its publication". I suppose she 65
now, and she still haulin' out the guns for
public viewin'. Dede Lind, August 1967. Dede show the world
some time-honored fruit-eatin' techniques. Lorrie Menconi, February 1969. Helena Antonaccio, June 1969. The story say this
the only time she ever shown her pubes. Rebekkah
Armstrong, September 1986. (1,
2,
3)
Carmen Berg, July 1987 Terri Welles, December
1989. Terri one of the more explicit
ex-staplegirls. (1,
2)
Suzi Simpson, January 1992. Nicole Wood, April
1993. (1,
2)
Karin Taylor, June 1996
Some other Sleuth finds
in the new issue: Angie Everhart in a transparent blouse. Eileen
Daly, star of "Razor Blade Smile" (1,
2)
Fereda Logghe. I know you thinkin' "whadda
fuck?". Well, fereda is a sister who got
some big guns. In fact, they so big that she
holdin' a certificate that say he got the biggest
mofo'n guns in the USA. And it not from shyster
like Jerry Springer, but from the Guinness
family, and they should know because keepin'
track of records like that is they life. Well,
not they whole life. Mostly, they life is gettin'
fucked up and gettin' other people fucked up on
Stout, so they riot and can't remember their
names, and kick some ass in Sweden when they got
a soccer team playin' there. (1,
2)
Myself, I don't know the
difference between Stout and Lager and Pilsner
and Ale and Malt Liquor and regular beer. Far as
I know, it all the same shit. I think Stout a
darker color, but maybe they got Stout Light or
Pale Stout. And I think British guys put it in
the microwave for a while before drinkin' it. But
I do know that it fuck you up enough so that you
want to issue a certificate to some
AuntEstha-lookin' woman with a size "I"
bra cup. Guns or no guns, this sista not likely
to make me tear down my pictures of Jada and
Halle.
"And
God Created Woman" from Tuna
This may not have been a
good week for mainstream releases with exposure,
but the long-awaited Criterion release of Roger
Vadim's "And God Created Woman" (1956)
with Brigitte Bardot finally arrived. Criterion
releases have ranged from very good (Walkabout)
to awful (Salo). My hat is off to them for the
digital transfer on this one. They even included
a short before and after featurette to show what
their digital noise correction was able to
accomplish.
This was Roger Vadim's
directorial debut in a film he wrote to showcase
Ms. Bardot, and remained his favorite of his
films up to his death in February of this year.
The plot is not complex. Bardot is 19, and an
orphan. She is living with an old couple who got
her from the orphanage more or less as slave
labor. Brigitte has a very healthy libido, a lust
for life, and is as much a gold digger as you
would expect from someone raised in an orphanage.
As much as she is willing to use people, she
adores animals. Note that Ms. Bardot has spent
her retirement working for animal causes, which
leads me to believe that she assisted in writing
the script. She is in love with one man who
thinks of her as an easy lay and a tramp, but
marries his brother, who she has become good
friends with, to avoid being sent back to the
orphanage. She also has her hooks into the
wealthiest man in the area. Not that she is a
"bad girl" by todays standards, but her
behavior was quite shocking in 1956. Eventually,
she has sex with her brother-in-law, which nearly
ruins the family. The plot would not have carried
the film, were it not for Brigitte being on
camera for nearly every frame. She brings such
beauty, charisma and fire to the screen that I
adored the film.
Bardot would have been
enough to make this film for me, but Vadim chose
Saint-Tropez, France for a location. It is
amazingly picturesque, and Vadim did it justice.
His use of CinemaScope produced incredible color,
and the art direction and photography got color,
framing and set direction perfect. This DVD is a
jewel in my personal collection.
Image 1 shows what was
an infamous side view of a nude Bardot from the
side laying on her stomach. Probably PG today,
this was scandalous in 1956. Image 2 shows her
nude from the back, and 3 is a profile through a
semi-transparent sail. Image 19 is the first
seamless collage I have done in a while. The
other images are teases, see-throughs and
upskirts, with images chosen to showcase both the
art direction and Ms. Bardot.
Thumbnails
Brigitte Bardot (1,
2,
3,
4,
5,
6,
7,
8,
9,
10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)
"The
Bedroom Window " from Tuna
The Bedroom Window
(1987) is a homage to the classic Hitchcock
thrillers. Unfortunately, Steve Guttenberg is no
James Stewart, and Isabelle Huppert is more
decorative than talented in this film, but it is
engaging enough entertainment if you don't think
too hard about it. A man (Guttenberg) is having
an affair with his boss's wife (Huppert). She
witnesses an attempt by a serial rapist/murderer
on Elizabeth McGovern (who turned in the best
performance in this film) through the bedroom
window. She finally screams and scares the
assailant off. She can't go to the police without
alerting her husband to the affair, so she
convinces Guttenberg to report it as if he had
been the witness. When his near blindness without
glasses comes out in court, the suspect is freed
to start over, and Guttenberg becomes a suspect.
If you haven't seen it,
it is worth the price of a rental. The exposure
comes from Huppert in the opening scenes where
she is in bed with Guttenberg than goes to the
window nude.
Thumbnails
Isabelle Huppert (1,
2,
3,
4,
5,
6,
7)
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