Saturday

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To see and use all the Funhouse features, you need Netscape 6.+ or MSIE 5.+.

• Netscape 6.2.2 is available free for download or on CD.
• MSIE 6.0 is available free.

Wild Orchid (1990) proves once again that Zapman King knows a thing or two about making erotica. The story is not entirely uninteresting, the photography is breathtaking, and there is plenty of nudity. Besides the full frontal from Carré Otis and breasts from Assumpta Serna mentioned by Scoopy last night, there is also full frontal from Anya Sartor in a very hot scene where she is screwing wildly in the old hotel while Otis watches, and a host of exposure scattered throughout the film by Carnival revelers.

The ending scene between Otis and Mickey Rourke is also very hot. Scoopy rated it properly as a C+. Take away the nudity and it wouldn't be worth watching, and it has nearly no crossover appeal, but, as erotic entertainment, it is one of the better ones, and will appeal to women as well as men.

Updates:

Charlie's French Nudity site is updated.

MOVIES:

The Deep End is the thriller in which Tilda Swinton tries to cover up the death of her son's gay lover, then gets blackmailed by some other guys. The strange thing about the plot is that the murder itself is a McGuffin! First, there is no murder. She covers it up because she thinks her son did it, but it was just an accident! Second, without the "murder", the completely unrelated blackmail plot doesn't work. The blackmailer comes to her with a film of her son having sex with the dead guy. Now if someone comes to you and says, "give me fifty grand or we'll reveal your son to be a homosexual", you say so what and call the police. But if someone says, "we'll reveal your son to be a homosexual murderer", then you think about paying up. So she pays up, or tries to, because even thought the blackmailers never sad that, she thinks her son murdered the guy he's having sex with on the tape. But - and here's the strange thing - the blackmailers don't know that she or her son are involved in the murder1 They're just really stupid blackmailers! Frankly, I thought this movie way Way-a-a-y overrated by the critics. It is a pretty good Hitchcock clone with some tension in the moment, but the IMDB score of 7.0 - good but not great - was much more sensible than the lavish critical kudos. Frankly, Tilda's single-note performance was also overrated, and her American accent often faltered on her. She is a great actress, but this was nothin' special.

• Tilda Swinton (1, 2, 3)

Desperate Hours is just a really bad movie in which neither the director nor the actors employed any subtlety or restraint at any time. It looked like the final of the Bill Shatner memorial overacting contest. Mickey Rourke plays a genius killer, and shows his high IQ by raising his eyebrows pompously and looking down his nose, ala William F Buckley, Jr. Anthony Hopkins plays a kindly, suburban American dad. And if you believe that, we also have Lindsay Crouse in a performance which we should have nominated for the worst performance ever from a female with a major part in a major film (I wasn't aware of it when we did our poll). She wasn't as bad as Kim Darby in True Grit or Sofia Coppola or Lily Tomlin in Moment by Moment, but she was a contender. Playing an FBI agent, she did a perfect impersonation of what Foghorn Leghorn would sound like if he were one of those castrati. Anthony Hopkins turned in a bellowing, Shakespearian, overacting performance that would have embarrassed Richard Burton. In fact, compared to Hopkins in this film, Burton was a master of subtlety in The Exorcist 2.

Believe it or not, this film was directed by Michael Cimino. No wonder the guy can't get the bankroll for a decent film. Every time he gets another chance, he comes up with something like this. Complete crap.

• Kelly Lynch whipped 'em in three different scenes! I don't really like her chest, which looks artificial, but this lady has some great legs!! (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

I didn't much like Indecent Proposal either, but it seemed like To Kill a Mockingbird compared to Desperate Hours. This is the film where ultra zillionaire Bob Redford offers a struggling couple a million bucks if he can sleep with the wife. I guess I'm too amoral to relate to it. If Elya got that offer. I'd say "make sure to get extra if he wants anything not in the contract, and make sure he likes it, so he's dying for more and we can charge him double the next time"

And what's the big deal about demi's dilemma. A million bucks to spend the night with Bob Redford? Change the billionaire to Pete Postlethwaite or Abe Vigoda, and let's see if she gets her ass in that bed.

• Demi Moore (1, 2, 3)

LINKS:

Two fun movie links. Movie awards on ESPN? Imagine Berman and Olberman reviewing the works of Ingmar "Ice" Bergman and Andrei Tar-"heel"-kovsky. Pretty funny, down-to-earth reviews.

Part 1

Part 2

Naughty Gossip:

From correspondent Wayne Davis

 FRIENDS FEAR BRITNEY'S DROWNING HER BREAK-UP BLUES IN BOOZE
Friends of troubled singer BRITNEY SPEARS fear she is drowning her sorrows over her split from JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE in booze.   British newspaper the DAILY STAR quotes several friends of the star, who was messily dumped by the 'N SYNC singer last month  (MAR02), voicing their concerns over the star's alleged increased  alcohol consumption to mask her emotional pain. One says, "Britney is on a slippery slope. Everything in her personal life is centred around boozing.  "If she doesn't take control, she could end up like other stars
who make it big when they are too young." Another adds, "She has got into trouble before for drinking under age. But she's crossed into the danger zone." An eyewitness to Britney's recent trip with friends to Miami, America noted, "The only time she forgot about Justin was when she popped the champagne cork." (CPT/WNTST/ES)

BILLY BALDWIN FIRES OFF ABOUT "NUTCASE" BASINGER
Actor BILLY BALDWIN has blasted his former sister-in-law KIM BASINGER for giving his brother ALEC a bad name.  In an exclusive interview with American tabloid NATIONAL ENQUIRER, the BACKDRAFT star, 39, says he's tired of the bad press his brother's getting, and is keen to set the record straight.   He says, "I'm fed up with the bashing my big brother is taking. It's all 'Kim Basinger the saint' and 'Alec Baldwin the bully'. It's not fair and it's not true. Kim is a black widow spider. She's a nutcase."  Bitter Baldwin asked to meet a reporter from the tabloid in Los Angeles days after news of his brother's divorce settlement were leaked to the press earlier this month (APR02).  And, though he knew his comments would upset Alec, Billy was determined to tell the world about his terrible ex-sister-in-law.  He adds, "Kim's side always gets out there, making Alec look like the bad guy. And the Baldwins have said nothing. We've taken the 'high road'. It's time for me to defend my big brother.  "KIM'S A CONTROL FREAK. SHE'S BIPOLAR. SHE HAS MULTIPLE
PERSONALITIES. SHE HAS A LOT OF MENTAL PROBLEMS. SHE'S A NEUROTIC MESS. THERE'S SOME DEFECT IN HER BRAIN CHEMISTRY." Baldwin is particularly annoyed by comments Basinger has made, claiming his brother beat her during their seven-year marriage.  He says, "Alec denies ever striking her. Is my brother a saint? No. Is he volatile? Yes. But he is not a wife-beater.   "I think what may have happened is that Kim may have taken a run at Alec during a fight and he may have put his arm up to protect  himself - or put her off. But that's not beating your wife." (KL/NE/CPT)

CAMERON DIAZ: FEELING GRAVITY'S PULL
Beautiful actress CAMERON DIAZ deals with the depressing effects of the aging process by making fun of the issue.  The stunning blond, who regularly features in lists of the world's most beautiful women, says gravity has just as much of an effect on her body as it does on everyone else.  But Cameron, 28 says she never gets upset about it - though that doesn't mean she's ruled out the possibility of plastic surgery later on in life. The VANILLA SKY star says, "I've been noticing gravity since I was very young. It's quite amazing actually.   "I actually like waking up in the morning and chasing my (chest) around my back.  "If you didn't like it, you could cut yourself and put something inside your body and sew it (up), and that would make you feel a lot better about yourself. Maybe one day I'll try that."   But the film funnywoman knows the best way to deal with the aging process is simple: laugh at it.   She adds, "Nobody really wants to be a piece of fruit that starts off beautiful and then shrivels up and disappears, but that's what's going to happen.  "We're all going to die - so why not make fun of it and have some fun while you're doing it?" (MCM/WNWDN)

BUFFY STAR'S KINKY SEX SESSIONS
Sexy BUFFY star ALYSON HANNIGAN loves having wild kinky sex in dangerous places.  The 28-year-old actress has bonked while driving and even on a pool table and now dreams of joining the mile-high club.  The stunner says, "The wildest place I ever had sex was while driving. That was good. And it was a stick shift so it was kind of difficult. We had to maneuver. We had to figure it out. One steers, one does the stick shift and the gas pedal. It wasn't like real sex. It was more like, come on, quick."   She adds, "I've heard that some airlines are going to start putting cabins in some planes for long flights to London and Australia. The mile-high club is going to have some new members." (HLP/WNTSP/ES)
-------------------

From correspondent Pat Reeder

Some news items of interest to you and your slathering hordes.  First up, from E! Online, Pam and Kid Rock are getting married.  Pam is "elated."  As well as "inflated"...

MY NAME IS MRS. ROCK! Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock getting engaged, her publicist confirmed Friday. Rock proposed to her Thursday night in the Las Vegas desert. Anderson, who's currently battling first husband Tommy Lee for custody of their children, is said to be "elated."

The rest are from IMDB News.  First up, Cameron Diaz wants more sperm.  Any volunteers?...

Cameron Diaz Wants More... Ummm... 'Hair Gel'.

 Hollywood beauty Cameron Diaz is itching to make more movies - because she's desperate to be involved with more sperm. The blonde actress, who's role in the 1998 flick There's Something About Mary involved her putting semen in her hair by mistake, says that since her last on-screen encounter with the sticky stuff, she's itching for some of the same action. She says, "I have just read two scripts with sperm in them. And I said yes to both films. So maybe that's exactly what's needed. I didn't think I've had my share of sperm yet."

Next, Halle is now into porn.  At the rate she's going, she may be the first woman to win the Oscar for Best Actress and to star in the porn
knockoff version of her own film, "Monster Balls"...

Saucy Sex Tales.

Oscar-winner Halle Berry has opened up about her steamy sex life involving hard-core pornography and sensuous oils. Halle admits her love-life has been spiced up by her husband, singer Eric Benet, wearing a new brand of oil - which drives her crazy in bed. She says, "When my husband wears this kind of oil, I'm like a puppy. It just makes me instantly horny when I smell it. It's on, it's on, it's on!" Berry has also watched rapper Snoop Dogg's award-winning hardcore pornographic film, saying, "I just got it. I watched the whole thing. I was really curious to see how far they were going!" And the sexy star even admits to uttering the infamous catchphrase of the Vietnamese prostitute in Stanley Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket, "me love you long time," in the middle of a sex session with her hubby. She says, "We were being silly making love. He got a big chuckle. That went down well!"


Finally, one just for you.  An update on Sean Young's online garage sale...

Sean Young Withdraws Diary From Sale.

Sean Young has been forced to withdraw her diary from an online auction - because it contains intimate details about fellow actor James Woods. Sean, 42, is selling personal objects on her official website seanyoung.com. A source told Britain's OK! magazine that the star removed the journal after legal considerations came into play. According to some of those who have read her memoirs, Sean describes Woods, who later accused the stunner of stalking, as "never seeming that attractive." Other items up for sale are her baby blanket, scripts from No Way Out and The Boost, the film where she met Woods.
 

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that I inexplicably determined there might be something of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Patsy Kensit full frontal nudity (before the new boobs) in scenes from "Angels and Insects" (1995).

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

• Thumbnail Preview
• Thumbnail Preview

• Emmanuelle Seigner (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)

By the way, after reading the review that Pat Reeder sent us yesterday I did a little research. This movie was directed by the same mastermind that directed both "Cruel Intentions" movies and penned the mega-lame, straight to video, Jane March flick "Provocateur". So if your date insists on dragging you to see this...fair warning, my Magic 8 Ball says "All signs point to suck".

Links #1 and #2 feature see-thru pube views!
Link #3 shows acres of cleavage!
Link #4 is a fully nude pose, but all of the really cool parts are just out of sight.

Here's a bit of a breakdown:
Link #1 cleavage
Links #2, 4, 5, 6, 7 VERY see-thru nipple sightings
Link #3 hands over breasts, and some partial bum exposure.
Link #9 frontal nude pose, but hands cover the fun parts.

• He actually *does* have your tongue.
• You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines
• Droppings in the litter box spell out "REDRUM."
• Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
• You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
• Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
• Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.

LOS ANGELES (AP) - MGM has agreed to allow New Line Cinema to parody its James Bond film "Goldfinger" in the title of the new "Austin Powers" sequel.

In January, MGM successfully petitioned the Motion Picture Association of America to ban the suggestive name of the summer comedy "Austin Powers in Goldmember," saying it infringed on the title of its 1964 Bond thriller.

Both studios reached an agreement Thursday to allow the title.

Part of the deal stipulated that "any future titles that may be construed as parodies of James Bond titles will be subject to MGM's approval," according to a joint statement from the studios.

New Line's 1999 sequel "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me," was a parody of the 1977 Bond film "The Spy Who Loved Me."

The Hollywood trade publication Variety reported Tuesday that MGM was negotiating to place an ad for the upcoming Bond adventure "Die Another Day" before the "Austin Powers" film and New Line's "Lord of the Rings" film. Both studios, however, refused to confirm whether that was part of the final agreement.

"Austin Powers in Goldmember" debuts July 26. It stars Mike Myers as a toothy, flower-child secret agent and co-stars Destiny's Child singer Beyonce Knowles as his lover, Foxy Cleopatra. Myers also plays several bad guys, including hairless schemer Dr. Evil and the new villain, Goldmember.