Dracula (AKA, Bram Stoker's Dracula) (1992) is a critical and popular favorite by Francis Ford Coppola. It is rated 7.1 at IMDB, and won three Oscars. Dracula tries to seduce the reincarnation of his lost love, Winona Ryder, and fails. So much for plot. So what fills the 130 minutes of running time if it isn't plot? Pretentious but dark and overly artsy imagery. To giv eyou an idea, Ryder and her boyfriend kiss before he leaves for Transylvania. Peacock feathers are waved in front of the camera, then the eye of one of the feathers fades into a train tunnel, and the boyfriend is in Transylvania. Why the peacock feathers? I have no idea whatsoever, but then I saw nothing of merit in this entire snooze-fest, except breast exposure from Monica Bellucci, Sadie Frost, Michaela Bercu and Florina Kendrick, full frontal from Honey Lauren and Judi Diamond, and clear see through breasts from Winona Ryder.
I have to believe the reviews and ratings were based on a lifetime achievement award for Coppola rather than an honest look at this film. Ed Wood's worst effort was more entertaining than this one. I suppose it qualifies as a marginally acceptable Gothic horror, hence C-.
"Bikini Med School"
Bikini Med School (1994) is a terrible Skinemax effort. It takes place on two sets, a strip club and a bedroom. Supposedly, there is a party, and coed med students are dancing in their skimpies, and some of the coeds go to the bedroom with male students for sex. It is undercut with B & W doctor footage and corny announcements.
There were credits, including:
Leigh Ann Waynes
Jacqueline Ann Finch
But none of the characters were identified in the credits, despite the fact that all the naked women had character names, so this is a co-operative project for everyone. Below are the 7 women with appreciable nudity in this stinker. Anyone who can identify one or more of them, let me know, and I will create proper images.
The DVD transfer is as bad as the film, and this succeeds in making even naked women a chore to watch. D-.
Help identify this girl
Help identify this girl
Help identify this girl
Help identify this girl
Help identify this girl
Help identify this girl
Help identify this girl
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Eureka (1982 or 1983 or 1986 or something):
Scoop's comments in white.
I don't know if any movie ever had a
better real-life story as its source material.
Harry Oakes was a young man from New
England who followed the classic dream of riches. After graduating
from the university and attending medical school for a couple of
years, Harry dropped out to make his fortune as a gold prospector in
He followed the possibilities around the globe: to the Klondike, to
Australia and New Zealand, to Death Valley, and back to Alaska, living in
poverty and hardship, narrowly avoiding death for twenty years. A
lesser man might have given up. Almost any other college man would have
given up after two decades of a miserable, hardscrabble existence
among ruthless uneducated men and prostitutes. Harry was not any
other man. He set his sights on achievement, and was not afraid to
pay for it with his own death, if necessary.
His determination paid off. Following
rumors and opportunities, he figured out a way to work an unworkable
claim underneath a frozen lake in Canada. He raised enough money to
do what was necessary, and found one of the largest mother lodes in
North America in the caves under that lake. In 1917 he had arrived
in the area with $2.65 to his name. In 1918 he was earning $60,000
He soon found out that there were
drawbacks to achieving his dreams. His entire life had been based on
aspiration, and he was lost without something to work towards. He
was not psychologically suited to be idle. Nor was he socially
prepared to join the life of the leisure class. Twenty years of
survival existence, living alone or with roughnecks, had left him
socially unpolished, distrustful, ill-mannered and irascible. And he
He then began a new stage of his
life, gadding about the world in search of inspiration. On a cruise
he met a cultured, attractive young woman. Mankind's most common
bond, that between powerful men and beautiful women, occurred. When
they married, Harry was 48, short and ugly, ill-tempered but rich.
Eunice was 24, cultured and lovely. The match worked. Harry and his
wife raised three sons and two daughters. Harry soon took his young
family to the Bahamas, where the tax laws were most favorable to
someone in his position. Within a fairly short time, his real estate
holdings included more than half of the island of Nassau. Harry and
Eunice became integrated into the Nassau social set, which centered
around the Duke of Windsor, the former king of England. Harry was
still cantankerous, but generous to excess, and he was much loved by
the poor of the island.
Life on Nassau was anything but
idyllic. Harry found two additional sources of grief.
1) His eighteen year old daughter met
and married an idler, a handsome member of the European titled set,
a "Count" whose only known interests were partying, womanizing, and
yachting. Harry's daughter could not have picked a man more
dissimilar to her father, the ultimate rough and ready self-made
man, so the two men despised each other, as evidenced by loud public
2) Some very powerful men in Miami
wanted to turn Nassau into a Caribbean Vegas, complete with slick
hotels and lavish casinos. Harry and the former English king opposed
their development plans. These were not the kind of men who take
"no" for an answer. The Miami group was headed by the notorious
mobsters, Meyer Lansky and Lucky Luciano, the childhood friends who
had assembled the modern mob, the most cohesive organized crime
enterprise in American history.
In 1943, Harry was found murdered,
beaten to death, his body burned to a crisp.
Killed by the mob? Killed by his
Harry's son-in-law was arrested and
tried, but even Harry's daughter, who knew him better than anyone,
thought him incapable of such an action. The evidence against him
was circumstantial, the investigation was bungled (some say
deliberately, to cover up mob involvement), and the Count was set
Court TV did an
elaborate and detailed report on the background behind the Oakes
The murder remains unsolved to this
day. Harry's daughter, now known as Nancy Tritton, is still alive as
far as I know. "The
fabulously rich and difficult Nancy Oakes", as one critic called her, seems to have spent her entire life replaying
the same mistakes over and over again. She had her marriage to the
Count annulled in 1949, and some years later married another seedy
aristocrat, this time a German Baron. Having made herself a countess and a baroness
as well as an heiress, she soon separated from the German and married
another famous playboy, the fun-loving Patrick Tritton, upon whom is
Dickey Umfraville, a character in Anthony Powell's "A Dance to the
Music of Time". That marriage failed as well, and her
matrimonial inclinations seem to have stopped there.
The Oakes family
estate still seems to hold vast amounts of wealth and property
in the area of Lake Ontario. HOCO Enterprises
(formerly Welland Securities) is today one of the largest owners of
real estate property on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls. "HOCO"
is the acronym for the Harry Oakes Company.
What a story, right?
seemed like a no-brainer that should have proceeded directly to the
Oscar Night stage, and the casting was perfect. Joe
Pesci played Meyer Lansky, and Mickey Rourke played the soft-spoken
but lethal Luciano. Gene Hackman played crusty old Harry Oakes, and
the parts of his spoiled daughter and her handsome, amoral Count
were played by Theresa Russell and Rutger Hauer.
Although the script changed everyone's names, (would
you want Lucky Luciano's friends mad at you?), the story was Harry's,
almost down to the last detail. There were only two changes of any
1. For some reason, the part of Harry's wife was
re-imagined. Instead of the beautiful and cultured young woman who
met Harry after his ascent into wealth, the script chose to make her
a bored alcoholic.
2. Instead of staying with the Nancy Oakes
character for six
years after the trial, the Count made love to her once more,
discussed their infinite future with her, then rowed out to his
yacht and sailed off. That was an excellent embellishment, in my
estimation, allowing the director and his team to layer in a heavy
dose of romanticism, and to come up with a brilliant closing image
(see movie house page), which capped off some exquisitely imagined photography
throughout the film.
I know what you must be thinking.
"With a great story like this, magnificent cinematography, and a
perfect cast, why have I never heard of this movie, and why is it
rated a bottom-scraping 5.4 at IMDb?".
For you experts, the answer is "Nick
Roeg". For the rest of you, the short answer is "because it isn't
that good", but those words will just prompt you to ask "why?", so
let's get to the meat of it.
The first problem is that the stories of Harry Oakes
and Nancy Oakes are too much for one movie. They are really two separate stories that intersected
briefly, when Nancy's husband was accused of killing Harry. Since the
Count was exonerated, that intersection was of minimal importance.
By combining the two stories into one, the screenwriter and director
painted themselves into a cinematic corner. There they were painting
a portrait of Harry Oakes, absorbing the audience into his Citizen
Kane existence, when Harry was suddenly dead, and the movie still
had a lot of running time left. That drained all the energy from the
film, not just because we were into Harry's story and it was
over, but because Gene Hackman was the only actor in the film who
truly had the gift to breathe life into the pretentious dialogue and
make it sound like human speech instead of human speeches. Once
was gone, the damned movie seemed like one of those hollow European
art films where people deliver sonorous speeches while looking out
of the window. The post-murder story of Nancy Oakes was an
anti-climax in the story of Harry Oakes. It was particularly
irritating since nobody knows to this day who really killed Harry
Oakes, either in real life or in the script, so everything after the
murder was essentially hogwash except for the one great romantic
moment pictured above.
The second problem - I think I
mentioned the rhetorical dialogue a couple of times. This film really called for a
no-bullshit director who could tell the story in an interesting way
and allow the situations to present their own meanings. I think
Clint Eastwood would have been perfect, inasmuch as he was
extraordinarily successful with a similarly long and rambling story
in The Outlaw Josey Wales. Instead of Clint, we got artsy-fartsy
Nick Roeg, a confused story teller with no good sense of a strong
campfire tale. The characters kept trying to intellectualize with
philosophical musings and long speeches, all of which served to try
to reveal points which were already evident (or should have been) in the plot and visuals.
The film is separated into three
acts, like a classical tragedy. In Act One, Harry is in the Yukon
prospecting, and this all leads to his strike. In Act Two, Harry and his
family are trying to find some meaning to their lives in the
Bahamas, and this all leads to his death. Act Three is the trial, and it
really leads nowhere, except to an unexpected "not guilty" and an
In the trial scene, with the
down-to-earth Hackman already dead and buried, we are left with Hauer and Russell exchanging lofty, philosophical, poetic, dreamy thoughts about
their life together, supposedly while she was on the witness stand
and he was acting as his own lawyer. (Very realistic court
procedure. The judge and lawyers just sat patiently as they made
goo-goo eyes at one another.) The director brought this act out of
left field and tried to turn this part of the film into something
like Murder in the Cathedral. Except for the ricly imagined final
minute, all of act three could have been handled better with a word
slide telling us the result of the trial.
The first part of the film was also
strange, actually surrealistic, but was so brilliantly filmed that
the surrealism worked. It is a nearly wordless portrayal of a
frostbitten Harry striking gold underneath the frozen lake,
climaxing with Harry being swept away by a river of gold generated
by an explosion. This Act One constitutes one of the most
impressively filmed and imagined sequences in film history, and is
nearly perfect except when Harry and his future wife are speaking.
When director Nick Roeg could concentrate on images and poetry, he
was brilliant, as he was through most of this sequence. It was in
the natural interaction of people and the simple logic of
storytelling that Roeg was overmatched. Roeg was a classic example
of the Peter Principle, a brilliant cinematographer who worked his
way up to a directing job, and settled in there, at his level of
Actually, the second part of Eureka
also suffered from a multitude of oddball digressions. The Count was
into some kind of native pagan rituals as well as Kabbalah, and this
generates plenty of pseudo-mystical baloney and hifalutin'
conversations which serve little purpose.
This should have been a brilliant
movie, but wasn't. Instead of a disjointed three act play, it could
have been a focused story about their life in the Bahamas, and their
inability to make it work for them despite infinite riches. The
surreal portion in the Klondike, trimmed of some dialogue, would
have made a beautiful prologue.
Ultimately, it should have been Harry's story, and
it should have ended with Harry's death, a sad commentary on a man
who achieved everything he dreamt of for the first forty years of
his life, then could never find a way to enjoy it, because the
process of achieving his dream changed the man who dreamt it in the
first place. And the director should have let us see that point for
ourselves inside of the story, instead of having the characters
deliver soliloquies about it.
Based on this description, this is a C (Tuna
agrees). It is a
great movie, and it is a poor movie. Above all, it is a film
which always tries to soar into stratospheric heights,
sometimes finding an air current and floating majestically
through the clouds for we earthbound to admire, and sometimes
crashing clumsily and painfully to earth. If you study films, you must see
it, if only for what it hoped to be and might have been, if not
for what it actually is.
By the way, Roeg, now 76, is still at
it. He will have a new film out in 2004,
philosophical horror film that explores love, sex and death across
the universe." Well, I guess he's changed his ways. Nothing
pretentious about that.
- Theresa Russell (1,
- voodoo orgy chicks (1,
.wmv film clips
MISCELLANEOUS REQUEST FOR HELP from Celebrity
If any of you guys have movies or stills of the Grammy red carpet
action, please read this.
Just back from the
I promise to send you all a FULL REPORT -- like those field reports
you get from the Film Festivals but featuring real, live PEOPLE --
as soon as I possibly can. We actually got onto the red (well, green
for Heineken) carpet this year...and met and mingled with tons of
celebs!! Lots to fill your Fun Housers in on.
But in the meantime, I have something of a urgent personal
request...since I know from their collages that many seem to cap the
arrivals and especially Joan Rivers' E! special prior to the
ceremony, I would be THRILLED if any of your members or contributors
taped Joan's pre-Grammy arrivals show and could provide a
The selfish reason I ask is that, apparently, Mrs. Sleuth and I were
seen on Joan's show "about half a dozen times" right behind the
celebs she was interviewing--according to my best friend. Somehow he
happened to spot us -- even though of course he wasn't expecting it
or looking! But, alas, he wasn't taping it at the time...and of
course we were there, so we couldn't capture it either. He
said we were very clear and recognizable (to people that know
us), so it would be a "kick" to have a copy.
So if any of your FH people still have a copy I'd greatly appreciate
if they could mail it to you...for passing on to me. We are
looking especially for the footage of Alicia Keys, the Osbournes,
Reuben Studdard and Matthew Perry. Sorry to ask for something so
mundane, but I figure you guys are the best bet on having taped and
Thanks...and I'll tell
you all about it in a few days,
Hail to the Chef : a salute to America's fattest President.
Astronomy Pic o' the Day, February 17 - Galaxy Cluster Lenses
Farthest Known Galaxy
- If you are interested in celebrity nudity, you must
familiarize yourself with
The Case Files of the Fake Detective
Diamond star thrills astronomers
The Cinema and full-frontal male nudity.
- About everything there is to know about
Battle of Hastings, 1066, the defining moment in the
history of Briton.
The Lord of The Rings- The journey is about as good a
four minutes of cinema as you will ever see in one place.
Janet Jackson and her Satanic cult. I think this site
is satirical, but who can tell in this post-ironic world?
- Here is another working source for the
Paris Hilton Full Sex Tape
- FUN STUFF:
Here's that swingin' hepcat, John Kerry, playin' a rockin' bass
guitar for the Electras in 1961.
A scientifically accurate map of the internet.
- Oops! Turns out the Sun's story wasn't quite right. Never
When the "Kerry girl" did "tell all", it turned out there was
nothing to tell. Her parents also said they admire
Kerry and will vote for him.
- SPORTSbyBROOKS says:
GOLFWEEK has a sneak of the next big Tiger Woods TV commercial,
featuring Woods 'doing a perfect imitation of Bill Murray's Carl
Spackler character in 'Caddyshack.''
Lyrics.com - get the lyrics to your favorite songs.
- Cheerleader Update:
The Pro Bowl cheerleaders.
- Voter here for
FHM's 100 Sexiest Women of 2004.
Playboy.com partners up with Suicide Girls.
FallonFey.com has updated their section on "Jokes that Weekend
Updates cut after Dress Rehearsal"
FallonFey.com - has now posted the Weekend Update from the Drew
Barrymore show from Saturday night, 2-14-04. Tina Fey
gets the quote of the day, "Because of friction between the U.S.
and Brazil, it was announced that a float at this year's Carnivale
will be a 12-foot sculpture of Uncle Sam with his pants down and
his genitals in plain sight -- or as Bill Clinton calls it,
A-Rod is a Yankee. Selig approves A-Rod deal to Yankees for
Soriano and a player to be named later. Soriano must be
thrilled, eh? Despite receiving no further benefit from his
services, the Rangers will continue to pay A-Rod another $67
million dollars over the next 22 years. By the end of the deal,
they will have paid A-Rod a total of $140 million dollars to play
on three last place teams. His services will have cost them $47
million per year. Oh, those slick Texas businessmen! Oh, yeah, and
Soriano becomes a free agent after the 2005 season, so they'll
probably lose him as well, given their likely next two last place
finishes. Let's hope the "player to be named later" has
supernatural powers. The good news? The rangers are only two
pitchers away from contention. The bad news? Those pitchers are
Christy Mathewson and God. And even with Christy and God in the
rotation, you figure those guys would go 30-10 and 40-0, but the
other three Rangers starters would go 20-62, so they still would
not take the division. Hell, they might not even win enough to
edge the Red Sox for the Wild Card.
MSN to ban pop-ups and pop-unders on global sites. It's
about damned time. Now if they'd just build MSIE so that it didn't
support the mofos in the first place, I might love them.
ColorMatch Remix, VERY useful site of you do any web
page design or photo editing. Use three sliders to create a
precise color, and it gives you the value in RGB hex and RGB
decimal values. It also gives you many colors that can work in the
same pallette, pre-defined themes, export controls, etc.
Vibrator that connects to a USB port, and is controlled
by ... um ... keystrokes.
Ultimate Secure Home located in Durango Colorado. Hurry
up and act now before Dick Cheney sweeps this up.
The 101 dumbest business decisions of 2003.
Birthday praise for N. Korea's Kim: North Korean
publications describe Kim Jong Il as a Renaissance man who has
flown fighter aircraft, written operas, and managed to shoot 11
holes-in-one in his first try at golf. It sure takes him a long
time to play, however, because he has to walk up and see how every
green breaks before he tees off. I want to know how he fucked up
the other seven holes. Must have been a strong wind that day. If
North Korea ever falls, those writers have a career lined up at
Weekly World News.
SimilarMinds.com > Free Personality Tests and Community
Take personality tests, then find people with similar or
compatible scores. I tried to get involved, but the only person
with a similar personality was Kim Jong Il, and he's too busy to
answer my e-mails, what with the birthday celebrations and all.
Peter Andre has been given an award for his outstandingly bad
contribution to music.
The Hobbit Teaser Trailer 2006 is now online. Note -
this is NOT the real deal. It is a spectacular hoax concocted with
footage from Fellowship of the Ring and Dragonslayer. But it's
David Bowie says his worst-ever vice was the crap music he turned
out in the mid-80s, except of course, for the music he
turned out before and after that, oh, and his acting career.
Adventures in filmmaking hell with Elizabeth Hurley.
- Here's the latest available edition of the salacious internet
The A List.
Donald Trump in a feud with a former Penthouse Pet about whether
they ever dated. The Donald is trying to explain away
why there are pictures of them together! Trump also says she is
just not his taste, even though she's a dead ringer for his
ex-wife Ivana at that age, and also resembles his ex-wife Marla.
This is the model whom Donald Trump may or
may not have dated, your opinion hinging on
whether you are capable of rational thought.
As of noon Eastern Time Monday, this link to
the Paris Hilton tape was still working.
Europe's most powerful computer turned on. Sadly, it's
a Commodore 64.
A GOLFER born a man will create a world first by playing in
Australia's women's open next month. She has a
significant handicap. Two lost balls will cost her four strokes.
- Weekly World News says:
Princeton archaeologists have found Middle Earth in New Jersey.
"Hey, Sauron, ya wancher fuckin' ring? I got yer ring right here
- GALLUP now shows a sudden reversal in the policy concerns of
the American public.
Unemployment returns to #1 status as the most important issue with
the American public.
- Forget about the real presidential election. The really
important question is "Who
was the best movie president?"
One week into production on the Will Ferrell soccer comedy Kicking
& Screaming, Universal is switching directors. Jesse
Dylan, who helmed the studio's American Wedding, will take over
for Marco Schnabel.
Whoa. Check out this picture of Beyonce at the NBA All-Star Game.
Stay tuned. There have to be some better ones. No way that kept
her covered 100% of the time.
archives. May also include newer material than the ones above,
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Words from Scoop.
.avi's from Shiloh.
.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.
SOMETHING NEW: Mia Kirshner in Sunday's episode of
The L-Word cooled off the nudity after the first episode, but this
gets it back on track. The lighting is a a bit funky, but ya have to
feel forgiving when they show you Mia Kirshner strolling around
topless for a while. I know it improves my mood. (.avi version, .wmv version)
SOMETHING OLD, BUT RARELY SEEN: Cindy Crawford,
taking a bath in The Simian Line. This 2000 film has never been
made available on any home media format.
(.avi version, .wmv version)
Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble
with the codecs for these movies:
FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use
DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use
virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the
vids says the video codec: DivX Decoder Filter & audio
codec: Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with.
When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG
Layer-3. A friend of mine told me about compressing the
audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been
capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this
info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp &
asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using
camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could
never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost
too much to buy in my opinion.
A reader says:
You mentioned that some users were
having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool
designed to determine what codec is needed for a video.
http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you
or your users.
I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9.
The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in
the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly
larger, and slightly lower quality.
Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.
The Ghost's tribute to Lana Clarkson continues....
Today Lana is joined by Dawn Dunlap and both are topless in several scenes from the 1985 flick "Barbarian Queen".
- Lana Clarkson
- Dawn Dunlap
Next up, a few .wmvs from The Ghost.
Special thanks to LC for some bootleg 'caps from the new movie "Eurotrip".
- Jessica Böhrs, the young German actress and singer in the techno-pop act Novaspace goes topless.
- Molly Schade, hot tub toplessness in her one and only IMDb credit.
- Some topless unknowns
A little bonus...
- Michelle Trachtenberg...A bigger and better look at the former "Buffy" co-star's impressive cleavage on the poster for her new movie "Eurotrip".
|'Caps and comments by Brainscan:
Beyoncé jess 'bout fell out of her dress at some NBA thing. I did some quick editing, and she looks.. how to put this delicately..."bootylicious".
|The Aussie actress stipping down to a black bra and showing some nice cleavage on Sunday night's episode of "Alias".
|Topless 'caps by Señor Skin from her film debut, "Sid and Nancy" (1986).
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
WHERE DID MIKE TYSON'S MONEY GO?
Why The Economy Turned Around - Mike Tyson can't remember how he managed to
blow $300 million, but his bankruptcy paperwork provides some clues. Some
expenses include: five houses, one of which had 38 bathrooms...a $375,000
bill for gardening at one house alone...110 luxury cars...tens of millions
in divorce settlements and legal fees...visits to his favorite jewelry shop
at up to $1.8 million a pop...$180,000 for two white Bengal tigers...and
over $1 million in gifts for hangers-on who have scattered and Mike can't
recall who they were. In 2003, he spent just $85 on Christmas gifts.
For his bankruptcy attorney...The only hanger-on he has left.
On the bright side, he should have one hell of a garage sale!
He knew it was a bad idea to go shopping with Elton John...And to hire
MC Hammer as his financial planner.
He needed 38 bathrooms to flush that much money down the toilet.