2001 Maniacs (2005)
Because, by God, there's always room for another
It's a lot like like Jello.
The Impossible Kid (1982)
Tuna and I have both reviewed (and praised) For Your
Height Only, the offbeat Filipino movie about a 2'9" clone of James
Bond. The Impossible Kid is the sequel, in which the diminutive
Weng-Weng again plays "Agent Double O."
While For Your Height Only had been a
straightforward Bond parody, right down to the high-tech gadgets,
The Impossible Kid is actually more of chopsocky film, in which
Weng-Weng is now an agent of Interpol. It's not as consistently
funny as the original. It has a few inspired moments, but it derives
75% of its humor from the same gag: Weng-Weng defeating one or more
six footers in hand-to-hand combat. That joke is pretty funny the
first time, and might have worked once more in a special situation,
but when it's employed repetitively, it fails to deliver laughs
during the reprises. Of course, Weng-Weng inevitably ends up
punching his opponent in the dick, so that's always good for a
Some of the film's strengths:
A group of Filipino industrialists, accompanied by
Weng-Weng, listen to a tape from some "terrorists," which ends with
the admonition that "this tape will self-destruct." Sure
enough, in a few
seconds, the entire television explodes! A few
seconds later, however, Weng-Weng and his boss are shown listening to the
very same tape in the Interpol office, and it seems to be in fine
The head terrorist turns out to be one of the
industrialists, yet earlier in the film he himself would have been
blown up by a live grenade tossed by one of the terrorists, except
for the timely intervention of the little fella! Now THAT'S a good
I have no idea what Weng-Weng's real voice sounds
like, but in the English-language dubbing, his voice is provided by
someone with a smooth baritone, ala Shadoe Stevens!
Weng-Weng is very unusual for a little person in
that he has the agility of a professional gymnast and can run quite
fast. (Well, his legs move fast, anyway. Obviously he doesn't cover
much ground per stride.) He doesn't seem to move like a typical little person, but
rather like a very athletic young boy. This enables him to do some
tremendous stunts and some astounding fight scenes.
In one of my favorite moments. Weng-Weng is asked to
leave the industrialist's house after appearing uninvited. He beats
up a few gigantic mobsters who try to manhandle him, then walks out
on his own. As he casually walks past a few more henchmen, he
punches one of them in the nuts - for no reason at all other than to
show that he's the alpha male.
The dialogue is absolutely ridiculous. At one point
in the tape, a terrorist says, "I am the leader of a world-wide
organization - with affiliates all over the world." (As opposed to,
I suppose, those world-wide organizations which are not actually
At one point, Weng-Weng and his tiny motorcycle
escape from some baddies by leaping over a chasm, Evel Knievel
style. From the decidedly non-parabolic arc of the flight, it is
obvious that the stunt is not done with forward momentum, but by
having the entire cycle attached to a wire!
The end of the film gives us hope that the little
fella will appear in a third adventure called License Expired, but
that film apparently never got made, at least to my knowledge. It's
too late now because Tuna tells me that Weng-Weng's license to kill
has been revoked by the Almighty himself. A hero in his native
Philippines, he received a state funeral procession in which one guy
carried the coffin under his arm. When the procession reached the
shore, the Minute Man (pronounced "my-NOOT" in this case) was placed
upon a paper boat and accorded a Viking funeral. Of course, arrows
would not have been practical, so one of the dock hands ignited his
little barge with a lit cigarette.
By the way, although I obtained this movie in a collection called
"Martial Arts 50 Movie Pack," it seems to be in the public domain, and you
can pick it up for free
There is some nudity, but the women are not
identified in the credits.
Fire Chief Caught On The Lamb, trying to fuck a sheep of Goats.
Enormous crocodile thinks it might be cool to steal a tiger's kill.
95 sexy pictures of Monica Bellucci
"Crash" Hits Theaters Again
- Fresh off the Oscar it received for being the picture which
did not suck as deep as the other 2005 movies, Crash is heading to
more than 150 theaters Friday for an encore run."
For you super-trivia experts ...
Which linebacker wears #47 for the Eastern Illinois Panthers.
You don't know now, but you won't ever forget again.
Six clips from V for Vendetta, the dystopic thriller starring
Agent Smith, Natalie Portman, and the always world-weary Stephen
Rea. Opens NEXT Friday
Colbert interviews Bob Schieffer
PLEASE MEET TYRONE BANKS
ABBA threatens to reunite unless Poland grants gay rights
The Economics Of Prostitution
"Bonds exposed -
Superstar slugger's steroid use, day-by-day, drug-by-drug"
Colbert says: "Things like best value, quality testing or safety ratings just
ruin the post-purchase surprise."
"Behold the awesome and terrifying power of the Da Colbert Code!" (Stephen
reviews his Oscar predictions)
Yanni (allegedly) beats the crap out of his (ex-?) girlfriend , but in a
gentle New Age way, with seashore noises playing in the background.
Orson Welles tries to do a commercial after having apparently served a vast
quantity of wine before its time
Stewart's tribute to "rugged" Old Time Westerns
Greenlight to new series for Andy Richter
- I'm thinking this could finally be the right vehicle for him: he plays a
totally unfunny fat guy.
- Unfortunately, I can't think of anybody who would want to watch a show
about a totally unfunny fat guy, except maybe Tom Arnold.
"FIRST DICK CHENEY JOKES ARRIVE IN IRAQ" Pentagon Hopes Merriment Will Unite
Dana Reeve, widow of Christopher Reeve, dies at 44, and a low-keyed pair of
lives play themselves out. I never met Chris, but he and I had a mutual friend
who knew him when Chris was a major star. I never heard one bad word about the
guy. The word I heard most often was "gentleman."
This week's movies (2700 screens):
The Hills Have Eyes - 75% positive reviews
- This is the only one of this week's movies which was pre-screened for
critics. Obviously, they thought the genre critics would like it, and they
were right. Here are some of the comments
- "A bleak, gripping, refreshingly non-Hollywood shock-fest."
- "The Hills Have Eyes is unadulterated evil excellence."
- "This remake of the 1977 Wes Craven cult classic is brutally horrific.
And that's a compliment."
- Hollywood Reporter and Variety split on the film, but Variety's negative
was not very negative. In fact, Variety praised, "an astonishing and
unexpected opening section."
The Weekend Warrior looks at the upcoming weekend.
- He thinks the three new movies will finish in the top three spots, while
Chappelle and Ultraviolet sink into the Western sky.
So you think you know baseball? Well, here's an exclusive club with only one
member. Name the
only man in baseball history in the 40-20-30 club. (Forty doubles, twenty
triples, and thirty homers in the same year.)
- Hint #1: Gehrig and Musial are great guesses, but wrong. Musial made
46-18-39 in the year he slugged .702, Gehrig had 52-18-47 in the year he
slugged .765. Both Gehrig and Musial had other seasons with twenty or more
triples. Gehrig did it once, Musial twice.
- Hint #2: for 69 years of baseball's lifetime, the same player was also the
only man ever to bat in 12 runs in a major league game. It's still a record,
but now he has to share it. Mark Whiten tied the record in his four homer game
- Bonus trivia: in the year before his epochal four homer, twelve rbi game,
Whiten hit nine homers in 508 at bats. In the year of "the game," his slugging
average was an anemic .423. He averaged fewer than ten homers per year in his
eleven years in the majors with eight different teams.
- Whiten does, however, hold one unbreakable record. In his brief pitching
stint, he averaged 27.0 strikeouts per nine innings! In his one inning, he
faced seven batters, walked two, hit one with a pitch, gave up one hit, and
struck out the other three! In many years, that would have made him the
We knew President Bush liked ranching, but we were not aware of the natural
closeness he has with cows.
Here's the trailer for Jimmy and Judy
- "Two misunderstood suburban kids challenge society and run from the police
while documenting all of their deeds with a digital camera."
- looks promising for nudity
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format.
Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
Das Frauenhaus (1977)
Das Frauenhaus (1977), or Blue Rita, is a Jess Franco oddity made for Swiss
producer Rudolf Küttel. I realize "oddity" and "Jess Franco" seems redundant,
but this one is odd even by Franco's standards. Blue Rita (Martine Fleti) is
the militant lesbian owner of a strip club named after her, but is also a
secret agent, or double agent, or triple agent or something. You are safer not
trying to follow the plot in this one. At any rate, she has her girls seduce
men in a room furnished with plastic inflatable furniture. Then, with
the help of Esther Moser, she chains the men in cages, pours aphrodisiac goo
on them, and lets them hang there until they either talk, or "their balls
explode." And that is the relatively normal part.
When one of Rita's girls runs away, she is killed, necessitating a
replacement in the person of Sun (Dagmar Burger). Sun ends up being even
shiftier than Blue Rita.
Reviewers all agree that the film is impossible to follow, but well worth
watching for Jess Franco fans, and great eye candy. You will be happy to know
that Franco stayed away from the zoom most of the time, employing much more
conventional camera movement, thus the nudity is easy to see. There is a
lovely lesbian scene shot entirely through an aquarium, and my favorite strip
act consisted of Esther Moser sucking the elephant trunk glued over the public
mound of a naked woman.
This is a C.
IMDb readers say 5.2.
"Lie With Me" (2005)
Canadian artsploitation which made the rounds on the film festival circuit last
year. As with other movies of this genre what the turtleneck crowd talked about
most was the tons of explicit unsimulated sex and nudity by Lauren Lee Smith and
Eric Balfour (who shows his dork). But despite Lauren Lee
Smith showing all three Bs she never did a full frontal or dorsal nude
scene instead opting to keeping on her top on while having sex (the standard
practice of a five dollar hooker).
Polly Shannon also shows partial
... while Kristin Lehman is just
There is also a hardcore porn video that is shown on a
"Where the Truth Lies" (2005)
Movie by respected Canadian ahhts-ploitation director Atom
Egoyan which ran afoul of the MPAA knitting club over a threesome scene.
Rachel Blanchard shows full nudity.
Alison Lohman is topless.
Kristin Adams is topless in a
lesbian scene with Alison.
Rebecca Davis offers full frontal nudity.
Sonja Bennett is in a bikini.
Some uncredited hookers show some butt.
Pat's comments in yellow...
Madonna admitted her kiss with Britney Spears at the 2003 MTV Video Music
Awards confused her young daughter Lourdes. She told Out magazine, "Lourdes is
really obsessed with who is gay," and she said,
"Mom, you know they say that you are gay...because you kissed Britney
Spears." Madonna said she replied, "No, it just means I kissed Britney Spears.
I am the mommy pop star, and she is the baby pop star, and I am kissing her to
pass my energy on to her."
* Or more likely, passing mononucleosis on to her.
* But when she then kissed Christina Aguilera? That was just hot
* Look at Britney now! Madonna must've sucked all the energy out!
* Know what else Lourdes thinks is gay? The name "Lourdes."