My favorite answering machine messages.

Those of you that know me have heard this actual answering machine message (I'm not kidding): "Hi, I'm undoubtedly home right now and within three feet of the phone, but I never answer it. Why? Because if you are somebody I want to or need to talk to, you will leave a message, and I will either pick up when I hear your voice, or call you back in a minute or two. On the other hand, if you're not willing to leave your return phone number, it actually means you're a lowlife scumbag, doesn't it?"

I think everyone should do this, and put telemarketers out of business forever. However, here are some other options:

Hi. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money. Hi. My answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. Hi. I am home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. Hi. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. Hello, you've reached Jim & Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up & down and fast, and I like doing it left to right .......real slow.........So leave a message, and when we get done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Members' bonuses. "Light Sleeper"

Willem Dafoe is a drug dealer with style and panache, and no habit, and he only provides in-call, to the very rich. (He's just the delivery boy, actually)

Dana Delany is his former lover who wants him to sat away from her at all costs. We are led to think it is because she has moved on to a good new life away from dope dealers, but it turns out she has a dark secret to keep from him. There's also a murder mystery in there somewhere, and a psychic, and ...

... and it's a disappointingly draggy movie, with very little edge or suspense, considering the talent involved (Sarandon, Dafoe, Delany, and director Paul Shrader). It's not a bad movie, really, but it's mostly about Dafoe and Sarandon planning a life after drug dealing. Sarandon wants to start a line of natural cosmetics. Sounds interesting, eh?


Oh, well, Dana Delaney showed her breasts and a bit of her pubes, so we can't complain too loud. Dana Delaney. I tried to figure out a descramble formula for the bath of green, magenta, and cyan light, but the combination was too complex for me to decode. I think it was done with local lighting at the time of filming, rather than in post-production.

Susan Sarandon (upskirt only, no nudity)

Members' bonuses

One Fish, Two Fish
Tuna's only comment today: "Scoop, if you get a copy of Claire of the Moon, go directly to the last four minutes."
  • Carla Romanelli in "The Sensuous Nurse"
  • Trisha Todd, "Claire of the Moon"
  • Todd
  • Todd
  • Today is Blinky's fourth day of Gisele Bundchen. Number 5 is very beautiful and quite naked. Numbers 6 and 7 are just plain dumb. Who is fashion for, anyway? Who likes these clothes? ( #1 #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8)

    Monday's girl: Maria - #1 , #2 , #3 , #4) PLUS Fred likes to look at the r-rated internet babes and page three girls and newsstand special babes as much as we do. But he doesn't stop there. He then researches their previous or parallel lives in harder material. This one is Jacqueline Lovell, aka Sara St James. Assist to Cave Dweller, who upgraded some of the images. These all come from the same era, Hustler Dec-1994, Swank Dec-1994, Chic Nov-1994.

    First Pictorial, girl/guy. (#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6 #7 #8) Second Pictorial, threesome. (#1 #2 #3) Second Pictorial, one more girl/guy, from Chic. (#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6)


    Spotcheck is a new guy. Two of Theresa Ganzel in "National Lampoon goes to the movies. (#1, #2)

    FR FR has lost me with this one. Harmony Grant in "Double Confusion". Does FR also get the all-Flemish network? Although I never heard of her or the movie, I am going to give this outfit as a Christmas present to all my female acquaintances. Well, maybe not Sister Mary Beatitudes, but all the others. I love the shot where she lifts her leg.



    Everyday, someone makes my day. Hugo won today, with some scans from the GQ 2000 Calendar. This time of year, I really get sick of calendars, but how can you object to one with nudity from Milla and James King. In fact, Stone Cold - are you reading this? - you wrote that nobody named King should ever get naked. Well, I agree with you on Larry, Rodney, Farouk and Don, but maybe you could make an exception for James. She is one hot tootsie

    James King with her nipples pierced. I have to admit I looked at this picture a lot longer than I look at most of them. Milla. Milla has to be up there with Casta and Romijn as well. Plus, she has acting and singing careers going as well. Nancy Hagen Caitlin

    Unique 1

    More of Ginger in that immortal cinema classic "Naked at the Beach". They are all quite similar. (#17, #18, #19, #20, #21, #22, #23, #24, #25, #26, #27, #28, #29)


  • Mia Kirshner in "Exotica", from Dann
  • Sandrine Bonnaire in "Police", from ErikDaRed
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