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Crystal Fairy
2013
Gaby
Hoffmann played
the little girl in
Uncle Buck. She's
no longer a little kid,
as you might guess since
that film was made in
the eighties and John
Candy died nearly 20
years ago. In fact, Gaby
is in her 30s now. So
what has she been doing
the past two decades?
Well, she has been
working, but you've
probably not heard of
anything she has been
in, excepting possibly
13, an action film with
Jason Statham and Mickey
Rourke, which I had
already forgotten until
I looked Gaby up on
IMDb. It won't take me
long to forget Crystal
Fairy, either. It looks
like a refugee from the
1960s-70s school of
hippie films. The only
reason I spent any time
on it is that Gaby is
completely naked for
more than five minutes
of the film's running
time.
I'd review the film, but
I only watched a little
bit more than five
minutes of it.
... something
about an obnoxious
American (Michael Cera)
wandering around Chile
looking for some kind of
magical cactus with
untold hallucinogenic
powers.
The quality of the
lighting and
cinematography is about
at the same level as the
Rob Lowe sex tape, and
the dialogue seemed to
be mostly improvised.
The actual script, if
there was one, could
probably have fit on a
3x5 index card. From the
little I watched, the
entire film could have
been a five-minute
short, except it was
padded out with scenes
of people acting stoned,
people taking drugs,
people doing random
things, and a naked Gaby
walking aimlessly around
Chile. (Not that there's
anything wrong with
that.) There seems to be
a strong possibility
that those magical
hallucinogenic drugs
were found, not by the
characters in the film,
but by the people making
it.
    
Candice
Bergen film festival
I can't really tell you
why, but I just happened
to notice that I own a
copy of both films in
which Candice flashed
any naughty bits, so I
figured I may as well
rip the nude scenes.
Soldier Blue
1970
Soldier
Blue is the
grade-b version of Little
Big Man. (Those
links go to my original
reviews, which are two
of my better ones, if
you care about such
things.)
Candice
only showed part of
her butt in this clip,
but it was a genuinely
sexy minute of her soft
bottom bouncing up and
down while she was tied
up in a horse-drawn
wagon and an actor
almost had his nose in
her ass. The stills
below don;t give you the
flavor of the scene. You
have to watch the clip.
 
In
this other clip,
Candice flashed
her pubes for maybe a
second. In this case,
the stills are better
than the clip because
everything happens too
quickly to notice the
flash of surprisingly
dark hair.
 
Night Full of Rain
1978
The
full name of this film
is "The end of the
world, in our usual bed,
on a night full of
rain." In my original
review, I called
it
a typical
example of 1970s
European arthouse
fare, filled with
usual excesses of that
genre: disjointed
narrative, people
reciting political
speeches for dialogue,
bad dubbing,
interminable close-ups
of faces, people
speaking as a Greek
chorus, socialist
politics, characters
without names, and so
forth. It includes
everything required
for an SCTV parody of
an art film, with the
possible exception of
a dream populated by
evil dwarves.
There
is one redeeming aspect
to the film: in
this film clip,
Candice gives us
the only clear shot of
her breasts that we
would see in her career.
Her breasts were small
(the guy in bed with her
even mentions that
fact), but she looks
great, and that nipple
looks oh-so-tempting
standing up the way it
does.
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* Yellow
asterisk:
funny (maybe).
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*
White
asterisk:
expanded
format.
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* Blue
asterisk: not
mine.
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No
asterisk: it
probably
sucks.
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OTHER
CRAP:
Catch
the deluxe
version of
Other Crap in
real time,
with all the
bells and
whistles, here.
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Actiongirls.com, Volume 2
2006
Brainscan's comments:
"The disk called
Actiongirls.com Volume 2 has
with the thinnest of plot
lines. Eastern European
nude models and pornstars
living in a post-apocalyptic
world that looks a helluva lot
like any part of Europe that
used to house the Red Army run
around naked, get lots of
exercise and shoot off guns at
no one and nothing in
particular.
Among these women - and the
reason I got this disk in the
first place - is Lucie Haluzik
(here she uses the name
Victoria Roberts). Spaz
has sent in collages of her
from a couple of
Czechsploitation films.
She had been Czech Hefmate of
the month once upon a time and
has since moved onto much
harder things. She and
Hana Black (who used the name
Zabrina Aamir in this disk)
give new meaning to the term,
gynocam."
Hereeeeee's Hana ...
Much more to come from this
disk
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