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"Countermeasures" (1997)

Countermeasures (1997) is a post cold war thriller. A group of Russians who miss the good old days figure out that, by simply killing a submarine crew, then launching a MIRV against a bunch of Russian cities, they can reunite the Soviet Union and rekindle the cold war. All that stands in the way of these patriots is Captain Jake Fuller (Michael Dudikoff), ex Green Beret and conscientious objector/medical officer, and one of the worst scripts ever written.

A word to those who want to make this sort of film but don't believe in research. A boat is either a watercraft that fits on a ship, or a submarine. A submarine is a "boat," not a ship. Water from hull pressure does not first appear seeping from a ventilation grate in an interior cabin, and does not float weightless. Gravity still exists under water. Setting launch codes into a nuclear weapon would not entail flipping every one of 32 toggle switches -- a simple binary function (all on/all off) would only require one switch. Prolonged gunfire on a submerged submarine would be a really "ungood" idea.

The only redeeming feature of this turkey is a scene early in the film where Lada Boder shows us her breasts in an extended, but uninteresting sex scene. IMDB readers (all 23 of them), have it way too high at 5.1/10. If you see this in the aisles of your local video store, not only avoid it, but hold your nose as you walk by.

  • Thumbnails

  • Lada Boder (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

    Jr Here...
    Back in August I caught "Counter Measures" one night and was inspired by how horrible it was. Tuna is right, this is one of the worst scripts ever written, and Lada Boder nude is the only thing even mildly redeeming about this movie! Here are my comments from a few months ago....

    I watched this on cable the other day, and several thoughts came to mind. But above all I remembered an episode of the Simpsons. It's the episode where Bart and Lisa go to the "Stock Footage Film Festival" at the Aztec theater. This movie is about 90 minutes long, but I'm willing to bet that at least 20 of those minutes are from "The Hunt for Red October" and "Crimson Tide".

    As for the rest of the movie....to borrow from Comic Book Guy, this is the roomiest submarine ever! Although it is supposed to be a small Russian scout sub, there is still plenty of leg room. Enough to perform over 50 or 60 different kinds of karate kicks, flips, and jumps! What about all the high tech equipment needed to power a nuclear submarine you ask? Well, the soviet navy needed to make a few cut backs. So apparently all they need now is one steering wheel, a radar scope, and a guidance computer for targeting their unsuspecting prey! (insert diabolical laughter here) They even cut out the need for a periscope! Which is unheard of in the big book of movie cliches! Although I did miss a few minutes of the movie so maybe there's still hope.

    Speaking of cliches..."Counter Measures" actually crossed over to a different chapter of the book! At one point our heroes end up "crawling through the ventilation ducts"! (As I said...roomiest submarine ever!) Of course, that move is typically reserved for any hero trapped in a building held by terrorists, aliens, or monsters.

    Plot...there was one? Script...probably made up while the actors were busy shooting the fight scenes. Continuity...HA!

    So what was my favorite part? Probably the scene where our hero does a Rambo, and removes a bullet from his leg. Here's the kicker...he does it with a corkscrew! Plus...when he holds it up to look at it, (as outlined in the Big Book of Movie Cliches) the bullet is neatly pierced, just like the cork of a fine wine!

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Red Shoe Diaries was the lame movie which served as the pilot for the nearly-as-lame series.

    • Brigitte Bako (1, 2, 3, 4)

    The "best scene" feature proved so popular, let's try one more year, just for fun. If interest says high, we'll keep going.

    Vote here for the top nude scene of 1999.

    It was a tremendous year for films, and produced a plethora of nude scenes for you to choose from.

    TomCat didn't have the best luck with his reception today, but he brought us two more films.

    • Sonia Braga in "Dona Flor" (1976) (1, 2, 3)
    • Tiziana Lodato in "L'Uomo Delle Stelle" (1995) (1, 2)

    The Encyclopedia Volume B, Number 9, is updated. About 60 additions just in the area from BOR to BRE.

    Updates from Sleuth
    Since you wrote about Anny Duperey's lovely topless shots yesterday: "Not too sure of the source however," I'm sure you'll want to know they're from the 1977 French farce, Pardon Mon Affaire {Jean Rochefort behind her in the bed is a dead giveaway}. Alas, the funny film sadly spawned the inferior American version {What's new--can you say, Point of No Return, boys 'n' girls?} entitled The Woman in Red. Kelly LeBrock is no Anny Duperey...

    One other minor point: I didn't say the Maureen O'Sullivan swimming shots were "from the original Tarzan"...I said from Tarzan and His Mate, the second in the series. Tarzan the Ape Man, two years before {1932 vs. 1934} was the "original" of that particular series. Trivial to some, but I do have a certain reputation to live down to.


    Jr. Here: We screwed up the O'Sullivan info yesterday, not Sleuth. D'oh! A little cut and paste error I guess.

    Super Bowl Barbie
    Better known as Britney Spears of course. I actually skipped the half time show on purpose. Yup, despite my admittedly low standards when it comes to movies, I still have a few rules about the types of entertainment I choose to watch...

  • 1. I will not watch "Rock" bands with dudes over 50.....There really needs to be a rule written that once rock stars reach a certain age, they should automatically be retired, given a product endorsement contract and a new wardrobe in which all shirts have sleeves, the jeans have no holes, and spandex is not an option. Plus they should be admitted to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (if for no other reason, because they are still alive after 20+ years of drugs, booze, and touring). Also, they should only be allowed to perform 3-4 times a year, and probably only as "musical guests", and not as a band. Just a guitar player or singer sitting in on Letterman, Leno, or Conan, etc.

  • 2. Boy Bands...their very existence is proof that Satan not only exists, but he's much more evil than anyone could possibly imagine. In fact every Fun House reader should try to be a little nicer before you shuffle off this world, because if you're naughty, you'll end up chained to a stake and forced to listen to N Sync until the end of time. Now that's what I call Hell!

  • 3. Britney, Christina, Jessica, etc....Face it, what they call music isn't really music. It's pop crap! The stuff they call music makes disco look like the powerful, thought provoking and important protest songs from the 60's. These kids are products of large corporations. Mass produced, and aggressively marketed to achieve a fast, and large return on the corporation's investment, nothing more. My only remote interest in Britney is that I'm waiting for her to get nekkid. Since I knew it wouldn't happen at half time, I made a sandwich, surfed the web, and waited for Survivor.

  • Britney shakin' her money maker at Half Time. Vidcaps by Beercaps and Vega. (1, 2, 3, 4)
  • Brainscan
    Last day for the bunnymate pics for a while; too much capping and not enough scanning in my life.

    Cute little Kim Morris starts today's parade, with caps from a moving called The Sex and Violence Family Hour (1983). (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) The first 60 minutes of the tape is skit comedy of a sort. The last thirty minutes are vignettes of four babes, including Kim Morris a good three years prior to her bunnydom. She dances, she prances, she strips out of her garments and tell us what a disaster her first time was. Lots of hooters and bums and full frontal action. Oscar-winning material. Two of the other four babes are Toni Alessandri and that 80's icon, Jewel Shepard. Collected over 100 raw caps of Jewel alone. One of these days I'll send in the pasteurized and processed material.

    And then there was Michelle Drake. Capped a VHS version of American Gigolo and hated the product; but along came Tuna to the rescue with yesterday's post of Michelle. Good news is that his DVD caps were mahvelous. Better news is that of three caps labeled as Linda Horn, two were really Michelle (she wore the blue bikini bottoms, Linda the black ones). So I tore the caps apart and stuck em back together again in one handy collage.

    So how's about another Kim? This time, Kim Evenson, Her Royal Cuteness. She plays a stripper in the movie Kandyland (1987). What a grim piece of sheep dung this movie is. This woman cries and that one weeps and even a guy breaks down in tears. A guy??!!! Who did they think would rent a stripper flic? Rosie? Oprah? A fair amount of nekkidness, including two strip scenes from Kim. (1, 2, 3)

    From there we go to Barbara Moore, in one of her two movie roles. She plays a nude photo model in Temptress (1997). No wonder these babes burn out so quickly, having to stretch their acting abilities like that.

    Barbara Edwards was not just playperson of the month, she was p-person of the year in 1983. Started her acting career in the Sidaris movie, Malibu Express (the only one of his with any intentional humor). Stuck together nekkidness from two scenes in one collage, one of them a shower scene with Kimberly McArthur. Couldn't help but show a key part of the shower scene in another collage, because right in the middle of soaping up and drying off, Barbara stares right at the camera and starts to make all hot and enticing. That's her playmate training coming out. Does Sidaris cut the scene, start over, splice it out? Nope. Print that puppy! Gotta love that boy.

    Barbara grew up and out in her breakout role as Lady Electric in Terminal Entry (1986). She speaks not a single word. Just takes a shower as some numbskull watches her. You will notice that Barb's hooters grew into winnebagos between 1984 and 1986. I would like to find the guy who makes these decisions about breast enlargement in perfectly built women so that I can go back in time and sterilize his mother.

    The hooters stayed huge with Barbara's last role in Another Chance (1989). She plays a temptress, erego the bum-exposing pose. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    Also in Another Chance was Karen Witter (Bunnybabe, March 82); long career in the movies, minimal exposure.

    Okay, enough already. Think I'll scan something for a change.

    and ...
    Angela Schijf
    (1, 2)

    Breast and bum exposure from "Ik ook van jou" by Scanman. According to Scanman, for lovers of Dutch celebs this is the equivalent of Sarah Michelle Gellar suddenly doing a nude seen.

    Amy Locane
    (1, 2, 3)

    Vidcaps of Amy gettin' it on with RoboCop in these scenes from 1996's "End of Summer". Thanks to Don Juan.

    Claire Keim
    (1, 2)

    Nearly full breast exposure from "Les Belles de nuit". Ok, so that's not very revealing you say? True, but her breasts are certainly worth a look. They are some of the roundest boobs I've ever seen.

    Brigitte Fossey

    Miou Miou
    (1, 2, 3)

    Vidcaps from "Les Valseuses", by Pappa. I'm sorry to report that Depardieu does appear in two of these vidcaps, but thankfully it's Gérard Depardieu 1974, long before he started giving Brando a run for the money at charity pie eating contests.

    Brigitte shows some excellent topless exposure, and Miou Miou pretty much shows everything.

    Samantha Mumba A nip slip from the Irish pop star.

    Helena Bonham Carter Doing a love scene in her bra. Sorry folks, no goodies. Vidcaps by Watty.

    Jacqueline Lovell The Skinemax babe showing off all of the goodies in these 'caps from "Lolita 2000" by Lifeson32.

    Here's a bit of news that recently landed in my inbox for Jacqueline fans:

  • She had a baby in December
  • She became a born again Christian this month! I'm trying to confirm that. If it's true, then it's a sad day for Skinemax. They've lost one of their best. As well as one of the only actresses on 'Max with real boobs!

  • Kim Dawson From the all new Skinemax soft core flick..."Sin in the City", also by Lifeson32

    The Funnies by Number 6
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