Lady Chatterley's Lover (1981)

Another Sylvia Kristel classic. Read the review here, since it includes some pictures.

As for the nudity, I'll compare it to Mata Hari. Mata Hari has more quantity, but this film has better quality. Two reasons:

1. Kristel was five years younger in Chatterley, and she looked a lot better. Those five years took a toll on her.

2. Kristel did full frontal nudity (three times), and full on rear nudity in Chatterley, but no pubes made an appearance in Mata Hari.

Sylvia Kristel

More Sylvia Kristel mania - back to 1976 to see her in Alice
Even more Sylvia Kristel mania - forward to 1985 to see her in The Big Bet.
(NOTE: the images in the first Big Bet collage were actually filmed four years earlier. They are lifted from a 1981 movie, Private Lessons. See the Chatterley review for more info. I don't know about the other images from that film, but I am confused by them. Kristel was quite plump in Mata Hari, and looks very trim in The Big Bet, even though those two movies are reasonably contemporaneous.

Deadwood - Season 1

Here is the stuff I missed last week. (Nothing much. Although I was not aware of it, I had already covered all the good material in that season, leaving only dark exposure from Malcolmson, and some random unnamed women.

Episode 6 - no nudity
Episode 7 - no nudity
Episode 8 -	random hookers
	Paula Malcolmson
Episode 9 - no nudity
Episode 10 -	random hookers

PAYOLA FOR J-OLA
The Actual Most-Popular Artist: Marshall Crenshaw - Sony Music agreed to pay a $10 million settlement in a payola case brought by the New York Attorney General.  Internal Sony memos showed they gave laptops, TVs and other gifts to radio stations to boost songs weren't really popular, like J-Lo's "Get Right," "I'm Glad" and "I'm Real."

*  Full title: "I'm Real, Ha-Ha, Just Kidding!"
*  I'm shocked!  Shocked to discover someone had to be paid to play J-Lo records!... Actually, I'd be shocked if anyone didn't have to be paid to play them.
*  And I thought J-Lo earned her music success the honest way: through her fabulous, God-given ass.


BRAIN-DAMAGED PEOPLE MAKE BETTER INVESTORS
Invest In A Lobotomy - The journal "Psychological Science" found that being brain-damaged makes you a better investor.  Test subjects had normal IQs, but the parts of their brains governing emotions were damaged.  At the end of a stock-picking contest, their choices had outperformed those of non-brain-damaged investors.  Scientists said it could be because they don't feel fear or anxiety, so they took bigger risks.  It might also indicate that people who do well on Wall Street have a "functional psychopathy" and don't react emotionally to things.

*  For example, Martha Stewart.
*  Of course, brain-damaged people make more money...Look at Ross Perot.
*  If you want to be really successful on Wall Street, have part of your brain and all of your heart removed.
*  The good news is, they make a lot more money...The bad news: they just don't care.



NEW RECORD FOR BLOWING FISH OUT YOUR NOSE
This Blows For The Fish - Indian yoga teacher G P Vijaya Kumar is hoping to get into the Guinness Book of World Records, after he swallowed 509 small fish and blew them out his nose within one hour.  He was inspired by an American who set a record for blowing the longest strand of spaghetti out his nose, so he began with peas and corn, then worked up to live fish.  He said it's a technique in yoga "where the nostrils are purified by swallowing fishes and bringing them out of the nose."

*  Remind me never to sign up for a yoga class.
*  I don't know about purification, but it does clear out the sinuses.
*  And after their harrowing journey, the fish spawn...
*  I'll bet Courtney Love could snort more than 509 fish UP her nose.
*  If you're ever served a dish of fish, peas and corn in India, do NOT eat it.



WHY CATS PREFER MEAT TO CANDY
Then Why Does Garfield Eat Cake? - Scientists at Monell Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia have discovered why your cat would rather eat a mouse than a chocolate bar.  There is a major defect in cat genes which prevents them from developing the taste receptors that detect sweets.  This could be the reason they are so carnivorous and have evolved into such great hunters.  But researchers can't say what meat actually tastes like to cats.

*  My guess is: chocolate.
*  You can buy them the finest chicken-and-salmon gourmet cat food, and it all tastes like dead mouse to them.
*  I thought a cat would rather eat a mouse than a chocolate bar because it's no fun to torture a chocolate bar.



WAL-MART AXES SINGLES NIGHT
BBW Seeks SWWhale - Wal-Mart headquarters in Arkansas has ordered their Roanoke, Virginia, store to discontinue "Singles Shopping," a program that helped single Wal-Mart shoppers meet up.  On Friday evenings, singles could put red bows on their carts to signal they were looking and earn "Flirt Points" in different areas of the store.  Corporate would not explain the cancellation, but there were reportedly complaints from several shoppers. One disappointed 63-year-old single said, "Where can someone over 40 who doesn't smoke or drink or go to bars meet someone?"

*  Prison?
*  Try church!  While you're there, you can pray for something to do on Friday night other than go to Wal-Mart!
*  Target wouldn't kick you out for hitting on women; they're French-owned.
*  Some shoppers complained that all the RV's in the parking lot were a-rockin'.



FIRST ENVIRONMENTALLY-FRIENDLY WAL-MART
Even The Bananas Are Green - Wednesday in McKinney, Texas, Wal-Mart will open its first environmentally-friendly superstore.  A spokesman says Wal-Mart wants to conserve resources and save money, and "we want to push this thing to the limit."  The store will have a rainwater harvesting pond to provide 95 percent of the water for the landscaping, and a 120-foot-tall wind turbine that will fill 5 percent of the store's energy needs with wind power.

*  The bad news: Texas summers are 100 degrees with no rain or wind.
*  The rest of the water will come from the sweat of big, fat Wal-Mart shoppers.
*  They'll also conserve the American labor force by importing everything from China.
*  In winter, the Wal-Mart will be heated by the sexual frustration of singles who aren't allowed to hook up there.



CAR CRASHES INTO "CAR CRASH" RESTAURANT
Dinner And A Show - Las Ultimas Noticias reports that in Santiago, Chile, a car skidded in wet weather and crashed into a new restaurant called "Car Crash."  It smashed up the entrance, but nobody was hurt.  Owner Nancy Araya said she named it "Car Crash" because there are so many accidents on that street, but "the restaurant is now a joke."  It will reopen in a week or so.

*  As an auto body shop.
*  As a drive-in restaurant.
*  She's just glad she didn't go with her original name: "Plane Crash."


SELLING IN THE RAIN
Lux, Rain O'er Me - Researchers at NTT Cyber Solution Labs in Japan are developing a way to have advertising rain from the sky.  They call it "information rain."  A projector on a high tripod would project images of raindrops hitting the ground and making ripples.  They hope curious bystanders will hold their palms out, and an ad message would be projected onto them.  A spokesman said the palm is a perfect ad medium: people stick it out when it rains anyway; and since they jot down info on it, people will feel more familiar with a message "that appears on your personal area."

*  Unless it's a condom ad and it appears on your really personal area.
*  Next step: using laser technology to burn the ad into your hand permanently.
*  After the first couple of times, they'll just start carrying umbrellas.
*  If people won't stick their hands out and read the ads, they'll have to move to Plan B: Putting ads on bowling balls and dropping them from airplanes.



PANTY THIEF ARRESTED
He Wore Them On His Head - Police in Germany arrested a 23-year-old construction worker who admitted stealing hundreds of pairs of women's panties from neighbors' clotheslines because he liked wearing them to work and was too embarrassed to buy them.  He was caught by a woman who got fed up with losing her panties and had her husband set up a motion sensor under her clothesline.

*  Under normal conditions, her panties never move.
*  Her husband actually kinda liked the idea of her losing her panties.
*  He wouldn't have been caught if he hadn't tried to collect one pair for every day of the year.



NO UNEMPLOYMENT PAY FOR LIFEGUARDS
Pay Watch - Officials in Longport, New Jersey, are challenging a longtime practice of letting beach lifeguards collect unemployment benefits during the off-season.  The problem is, "off-season" lasts 42 weeks a year.  A state senator said, "They don't have to save anybody in the winter. Nobody's swimming."  Officials say taxpayers shouldn't have to pay able-bodied lifeguards to sit around for most of the year.  One lifeguard said they do look for work, but he didn't go to Temple University just so he could take a minimum wage job for most of the year.

*  No, he went there so he could spend part of the year on the beach and the rest on unemployment.
*  If he went to college just so he could be on unemployment, he must have gotten a Ph.D.
*  The lifeguards are moving to Maine, where their work season is three weeks long.
*  The lifeguards say if they don't get the checks, they'll go on a slowdown strike and run in slow motion.



GAP DROPS NEW CELEBRITY SPOKESWOMAN
Generation Gap - After just a few weeks as the face of The Gap, British singer Joss Stone has been dropped.  It was rumored that The Gap thought Sarah Jessica Parker was too old and replaced her with Stone.  Now, it's rumored Stone was too young: though 18 now, she moved in with her 25-year-old record producer boyfriend when she was 17, and The Gap feared middle Americans wouldn't like the whiff of statutory rape.

*  If they'd known she was a statue, they never would've hired her.
*  Actually, she was fired for being too old...They're replacing her with Dakota Fanning.
*  Besides, they want a spokeswoman who doesn't need a butt double.



The French like their own looks,
73 percent of French women like their looks, although only one percent think they're beautiful, while 88 percent of French men think they are good-looking

* The men are comparing themselves to a great French movie sex symbol: Gerard Depardieu
* Drink enough wine, and everybody's beautiful.

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

 

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