Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

Lady Chatterley's Lover (1981)

Another Sylvia Kristel classic. Read the review here, since it includes some pictures.

As for the nudity, I'll compare it to Mata Hari. Mata Hari has more quantity, but this film has better quality. Two reasons:

1. Kristel was five years younger in Chatterley, and she looked a lot better. Those five years took a toll on her.

2. Kristel did full frontal nudity (three times), and full on rear nudity in Chatterley, but no pubes made an appearance in Mata Hari.

Sylvia Kristel


More Sylvia Kristel mania - back to 1976 to see her in Alice
Even more Sylvia Kristel mania - forward to 1985 to see her in The Big Bet.
(NOTE: the images in the first Big Bet collage were actually filmed four years earlier. They are lifted from a 1981 movie, Private Lessons. See the Chatterley review for more info. I don't know about the other images from that film, but I am confused by them. Kristel was quite plump in Mata Hari, and looks very trim in The Big Bet, even though those two movies are reasonably contemporaneous.


Deadwood - Season 1

Here is the stuff I missed last week. (Nothing much. Although I was not aware of it, I had already covered all the good material in that season, leaving only dark exposure from Malcolmson, and some random unnamed women.

Episode 6 - no nudity  
Episode 7 - no nudity  
Episode 8 -                                  random hookers
                                                    Paula Malcolmson
Episode 9 - no nudity    
Episode 10 - random hookers


Words and pictures from Hankster:

Today is a combination of "Hankster Light" and a "Babe in Bondage" day.

We are looking at Dead Easy and first up is Thandi Pullen with some awesome cleavage.
Then we move on to the "Babe in Bondage" and it's a not so young Joanna  Pacula, but still looking sexy in her bra & panties while being terrorized by a very psycho captor. Joanna is tied to a chair and then a bed.
Realizing we are short on the nudity today here is Michelle Clunie doing her striptease routine in Sunset Strip.


Vejiita takes on more look at Connie Nielsen, this time in Le Paradis Absolutment. (Minimal nudity, and only in the first one.)


Words and pictures from Striplight:

Here’s today’s crop. Got another five to do after this batch, so I’ll keep ‘em coming…

First we have Roxana Arduin in Sex O’Clock. Roxana and her lover are disturbed by his wife’s unexpected return. After trying the usual places he hides her in a rather cool, curvy clock. Thinking they’ve dropped off she tries to make her escape. Yeah, she gets caught, of course. Any divorce lawyers in the Fun House will love this one.
Then we have Sandrine Cavalier in Bang Bang! Her Significant Other is off to war, she tries to hide his coat, by, er,  wearing it. They have a little sword fight, she has his sword,  he has her umbrella. He still wins. (There’s Prussian military training for you). She has to give up the coat. Interestingly, he decides not to head off after all.

The Crimson Ghost

Beatrice Baldwin in an episode of Compromising Situations

Herr Haut

  Slaughterhouse of the Rising Sun (2004)
Cheryl Dent

Rottweiler (2004)

Paulina Galvez


Caps and comments by Dann:

The Stink of Flesh (2004) is a horror flick which pushes "making the best of a bad situation" to its limits. Set in a recent but unnamed future, zombies roam the country after being infected by a virus. They outnumber the living by a lot, and of course, their numbers grow as they continue to eat the few non-zombies left. Gets to be tough to be a zombie.

A married couple (still living) cope the best they can, by continuing their swinger lifestyle using whatever survivors happen to stumble across their remote home in the desert. When soldiers seek refuge with the couple, the wife ensures they get a lot more than just sanctuary.

Meanwhile, the husband has captured a zombie female which he keeps tied up in the garage, to satisfy his own needs. Nice trick having sex with her without being bitten.

While the conclusion is kind of inevitable, this direct-to-video independent production certainly puts some cool twists on the standard zombie theme, making it a fairly different and interesting horror tale. In addition, it answers the question "What would a zombie with nipple rings look like?" (Just in case you ever asked that question).

Stephanie Leighs


More paparazzi. Here is a much better version of the Charlotte Church sunbathing pic.
Tina Holmes shirtless in Sunday's episode of Six Feet Under

Pat Reeder - The Comedy Wire

Pat's comments in yellow:

The Actual Most-Popular Artist: Marshall Crenshaw - Sony Music agreed to pay a $10 million settlement in a payola case brought by the New York Attorney General.  Internal Sony memos showed they gave laptops, TVs and other gifts to radio stations to boost songs weren't really popular, like J-Lo's "Get Right," "I'm Glad" and "I'm Real."

*  Full title: "I'm Real, Ha-Ha, Just Kidding!"
*  I'm shocked!  Shocked to discover someone had to be paid to play J-Lo records!... Actually, I'd be shocked if anyone didn't have to be paid to play them.
*  And I thought J-Lo earned her music success the honest way: through her fabulous, God-given ass.

Invest In A Lobotomy - The journal "Psychological Science" found that being brain-damaged makes you a better investor.  Test subjects had normal IQs, but the parts of their brains governing emotions were damaged.  At the end of a stock-picking contest, their choices had outperformed those of non-brain-damaged investors.  Scientists said it could be because they don't feel fear or anxiety, so they took bigger risks.  It might also indicate that people who do well on Wall Street have a "functional psychopathy" and don't react emotionally to things.

*  For example, Martha Stewart.
*  Of course, brain-damaged people make more money...Look at Ross Perot.
*  If you want to be really successful on Wall Street, have part of your brain and all of your heart removed.
*  The good news is, they make a lot more money...The bad news: they just don't care.

This Blows For The Fish - Indian yoga teacher G P Vijaya Kumar is hoping to get into the Guinness Book of World Records, after he swallowed 509 small fish and blew them out his nose within one hour.  He was inspired by an American who set a record for blowing the longest strand of spaghetti out his nose, so he began with peas and corn, then worked up to live fish.  He said it's a technique in yoga "where the nostrils are purified by swallowing fishes and bringing them out of the nose."

*  Remind me never to sign up for a yoga class.
*  I don't know about purification, but it does clear out the sinuses.
*  And after their harrowing journey, the fish spawn...
*  I'll bet Courtney Love could snort more than 509 fish UP her nose.
*  If you're ever served a dish of fish, peas and corn in India, do NOT eat it.

Then Why Does Garfield Eat Cake? - Scientists at Monell Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia have discovered why your cat would rather eat a mouse than a chocolate bar.  There is a major defect in cat genes which prevents them from developing the taste receptors that detect sweets.  This could be the reason they are so carnivorous and have evolved into such great hunters.  But researchers can't say what meat actually tastes like to cats.

*  My guess is: chocolate.
*  You can buy them the finest chicken-and-salmon gourmet cat food, and it all tastes like dead mouse to them.
*  I thought a cat would rather eat a mouse than a chocolate bar because it's no fun to torture a chocolate bar.

BBW Seeks SWWhale - Wal-Mart headquarters in Arkansas has ordered their Roanoke, Virginia, store to discontinue "Singles Shopping," a program that helped single Wal-Mart shoppers meet up.  On Friday evenings, singles could put red bows on their carts to signal they were looking and earn "Flirt Points" in different areas of the store.  Corporate would not explain the cancellation, but there were reportedly complaints from several shoppers. One disappointed 63-year-old single said, "Where can someone over 40 who doesn't smoke or drink or go to bars meet someone?"

*  Prison?
*  Try church!  While you're there, you can pray for something to do on Friday night other than go to Wal-Mart!
*  Target wouldn't kick you out for hitting on women; they're French-owned.
*  Some shoppers complained that all the RV's in the parking lot were a-rockin'.

Even The Bananas Are Green - Wednesday in McKinney, Texas, Wal-Mart will open its first environmentally-friendly superstore.  A spokesman says Wal-Mart wants to conserve resources and save money, and "we want to push this thing to the limit."  The store will have a rainwater harvesting pond to provide 95 percent of the water for the landscaping, and a 120-foot-tall wind turbine that will fill 5 percent of the store's energy needs with wind power.

*  The bad news: Texas summers are 100 degrees with no rain or wind.
*  The rest of the water will come from the sweat of big, fat Wal-Mart shoppers.
*  They'll also conserve the American labor force by importing everything from China.
*  In winter, the Wal-Mart will be heated by the sexual frustration of singles who aren't allowed to hook up there.

Dinner And A Show - Las Ultimas Noticias reports that in Santiago, Chile, a car skidded in wet weather and crashed into a new restaurant called "Car Crash."  It smashed up the entrance, but nobody was hurt.  Owner Nancy Araya said she named it "Car Crash" because there are so many accidents on that street, but "the restaurant is now a joke."  It will reopen in a week or so.

*  As an auto body shop.
*  As a drive-in restaurant.
*  She's just glad she didn't go with her original name: "Plane Crash."

Lux, Rain O'er Me - Researchers at NTT Cyber Solution Labs in Japan are developing a way to have advertising rain from the sky.  They call it "information rain."  A projector on a high tripod would project images of raindrops hitting the ground and making ripples.  They hope curious bystanders will hold their palms out, and an ad message would be projected onto them.  A spokesman said the palm is a perfect ad medium: people stick it out when it rains anyway; and since they jot down info on it, people will feel more familiar with a message "that appears on your personal area."

*  Unless it's a condom ad and it appears on your really personal area.
*  Next step: using laser technology to burn the ad into your hand permanently.
*  After the first couple of times, they'll just start carrying umbrellas.
*  If people won't stick their hands out and read the ads, they'll have to move to Plan B: Putting ads on bowling balls and dropping them from airplanes.

He Wore Them On His Head - Police in Germany arrested a 23-year-old construction worker who admitted stealing hundreds of pairs of women's panties from neighbors' clotheslines because he liked wearing them to work and was too embarrassed to buy them.  He was caught by a woman who got fed up with losing her panties and had her husband set up a motion sensor under her clothesline.

*  Under normal conditions, her panties never move.
*  Her husband actually kinda liked the idea of her losing her panties.
*  He wouldn't have been caught if he hadn't tried to collect one pair for every day of the year.

Pay Watch - Officials in Longport, New Jersey, are challenging a longtime practice of letting beach lifeguards collect unemployment benefits during the off-season.  The problem is, "off-season" lasts 42 weeks a year.  A state senator said, "They don't have to save anybody in the winter. Nobody's swimming."  Officials say taxpayers shouldn't have to pay able-bodied lifeguards to sit around for most of the year.  One lifeguard said they do look for work, but he didn't go to Temple University just so he could take a minimum wage job for most of the year.

*  No, he went there so he could spend part of the year on the beach and the rest on unemployment.
*  If he went to college just so he could be on unemployment, he must have gotten a Ph.D.
*  The lifeguards are moving to Maine, where their work season is three weeks long.
*  The lifeguards say if they don't get the checks, they'll go on a slowdown strike and run in slow motion.

Generation Gap - After just a few weeks as the face of The Gap, British singer Joss Stone has been dropped.  It was rumored that The Gap thought Sarah Jessica Parker was too old and replaced her with Stone.  Now, it's rumored Stone was too young: though 18 now, she moved in with her 25-year-old record producer boyfriend when she was 17, and The Gap feared middle Americans wouldn't like the whiff of statutory rape.

*  If they'd known she was a statue, they never would've hired her.
*  Actually, she was fired for being too old...They're replacing her with Dakota Fanning.
*  Besides, they want a spokeswoman who doesn't need a butt double.

The French like their own looks,
73 percent of French women like their looks, although only one percent think they're beautiful, while 88 percent of French men think they are good-looking

* The men are comparing themselves to a great French movie sex symbol: Gerard Depardieu
* Drink enough wine, and everybody's beautiful.

Movie Reviews


Here are the latest movie reviews available at


  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


Other Crap

Man Charged With Having Sex With His Wife
  • A 22-year-old man faces criminal charges in Nebraska for having sex with an underage 13-year-old girl, although he legally married her in Kansas after she became pregnant. "The idea ... is repugnant to me," said Nebraska Attorney General Jon Bruning. "These people made the decision to send their ... 14-year-old daughter to Kansas to marry a pedophile."
    He said the marriage is valid, thanks to the "ridiculous" Kansas law
  • Thank God we live in a country where people can ignore laws from other states that they find ridiculous!

Here are both trailers for Uwe Boll's BloodRayne

  • "Similar to the popular video game, the film is based on a sexy, supernatural huntress named BloodRayne (Loken), who is an unholy breed of human and vampire. She is an explosive force with gymnastic dexterity and has an intense lust for blood and action. Trained by a secret agency called the Brimstone Society which hunts down and eliminates supernatural threats around the globe, BloodRayne is confronted by the deadliest of all creatures, the powerful and evil Kagan, King of the Vampires (Kingsley). Davis portrays Sebastian and Madsen is Vladimir, two of the greatest vampire hunters. Rodriguez plays Katarin, who runs the local Brimstone Society chapter."

The trailer for The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio

  • "Based on a true story, 'The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio' stars four-time Academy Award nominee Julianne Moore ('Far From Heaven,' 'The Hours,' 'The End of the Affair,' 'Boogie Nights'), Oscar nominee Woody Harrelson ('The People vs. Larry Flynt') and Oscar nominee Laura Dern ('Rambling Rose,' 'We Don't Live Here Anymore') in the story of a woman who defies the odds to keep a roof over her family's heads. Evelyn Ryan (Julianne Moore) is a devoted housewife and mother of ten in the 1950s. Her husband (Woody Harrelson) can't seem to make ends meet, but that doesn't stop the car from breaking down, the mortgage coming due and the bills from piling up. It falls to Evelyn to defy the conventions of the day and find a way to keep her family together with the odds stacked against them. Applying her remarkable resourcefulness and an uncommon wit, Evelyn finds her own way in the profitable jingle contests popular in the 1950s and '60s."

Weekly World News fantasizes about: DONALD RUMSFELD IN A SPEEDO

This is old, but people keep bringing it up as if it were true. Snopes: Is there any truth to the famous gerbil in the ass story?

Urban Legends Reference Pages: 2004 Darwin Awards. Turns out they are almost all fictional!

Border XXX-ings. "There is no governmental report more highly anticipated (at least by TSG) than the quarterly list of 'Admissible and Prohibited Titles' prepared by Canada's Border Services Agency. "

The Aristocrats is fast becoming this summer's controversial movie because of only one thing -- a really, really, really dirty joke.

Michael Bay reflects on The Island's weak opening.

The trailer for Football Days

  • "Six friends, talentless and unfit, form a seven-a-side football team. They call themselves Brazil. They plan to play soccer until they win. This is a comedy of delusion, of the survival of the unfittest in the face of humiliation and inevitable defeat. On and off the pitch their movements are the same shuffling, stumbling then staggering, the pratfalls of endearing losers. Their most formidable opponents, of course, are the women they love but can't stand - demanding wives and girlfriends. Sexual adventures give way to prosaic thirty-something coupledom. A feel-good movie; a hilarious buddy comedy, with a little football and sex thrown in!"

Essays on Popeye - Lessons in Christianity

Jon Stewart talks to conservative Senator Rick Santorum

The Daily Show's senior cycling analyst Rob Corddry assures Americans they never need care about cycling again.

Borowitz: WHITE HOUSE SEEKS CONSERVATIVE TO REPLACE LANCE ARMSTRONG ... Could Shift U.S. Cycling to the Right, Democrats Fear

  • Personally, I think they should fear a move from training to faith-based cycling.

Mindy McCready remains hospitalized in Florida after what was described as a suicide attempt last Friday.

The Weekend Warrior makes his box office predictions for the upcoming weekend. He thinks Stealth will sneak into #1, and predicts that Wedding Crashers will hold on to the #2 spot because Wonka will drop from #1 to #3. That makes sense to me. I think Disney's Sky High will probably do better than he predicted, but maybe not so much better.

Hyperion: Sponge Moon of Saturn

"More than 100 Santa Clauses and their little helpers danced, bellowed ho-hos and raced up a rapidly melting hill made of snow Monday at the annual World Santa Claus Congress."

Letterman's "Top Ten George W. Bush Solutions For Global Warming"

  • I dunno---tax cuts for the rich?
  • Give the boys at Halliburton 90-billion dollar contract to patch hole in ozone
  • Keep plenty of Bud on ice

"A rash that appeared on Katie Holmes' mouth was reportedly caused by a Scientology ritual." A church spokesman said: "Whatever is on Katie's face has nothing to do with us."

Jessica Simpson has revealed her new film will be called Major Movie Star. She will play an actress who has hit rock bottom and enlists in the Marine reserve.

"Graham Norton has revealed how he nearly had a slanging match with Angelina Jolie." Not being conversant with this particular English expression, I thought the article would be far better than it actually was.

The Daily Show catches up on the Tour de Lance

Only in California. Inmate sues over finger in veggie meal. According to his lawyer: "He suffered mental and physical injuries because of it BEACUSE MR. ROCHA IS A VEGETARIAN." I guess there'd be no hard feelings if he were a a carnivore.

Russia's Biggest Spammer Brutally Murdered in Apartment. A Russian police spokesman said they would solve the case by looking for clues inside those nested dolls.

The Last Will and Testament of Michael Bay.

  • "I GIVE AND BEQUEST to Ewan McGregor the career of Lorenzo Lamas and to Scarlett Johansson the career of Cheryl Ladd, because that's who the SciFi channel would have cast in this movie if they had ruined the script before I did."

Celine Dion got airtime on the radio because her label gave away prizes to radio stations.

Conan O'Brien learns about scientology from Mayor McCheese


Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

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