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Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
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Off the Map (2003)
Off the Map is a "small" character-driven film that made the
festival circuit in 2003 and then fell ... well ... off the map,
unable to get distribution. Critics liked it, but nobody believed in
its marketability. It was
finally resuscitated this year for an arthouse run (10
theaters on opening weekend, 70 theaters at maximum). The people who
doubted its drawing power were correct, because the film never did
bring
many people into the theaters, but those who came and liked it did
not just like it in a polite golf clap way. They loved it; were moved
by it; embraced it, as if it were the last gasp of the ideals so
many of us cherished in the hippie era of the late 60s and early
70s.
Joan Allen and Sam Elliott play a couple living off the
land, and off the map, doing a Southwest version of the Thoreau
thing in 1974, out somewhere in the Land of Enchantment. They make
very little money. They live off their own garden, some hunting, and
what they can scrounge from trash areas. He's a victim of chronic
depression, so his imperturbable laid-back wife is the rock and
anchor of the family. They have a precocious child who is telling
the story in flashback, but she is living off the map as well,
home-schooled by her mom. Most of the world has forgotten them, but
unfortunately, the IRS has not, and sends out a freelancer to track
them down, audit them, and get back America's just share of their
assorted leavings, refuse, and home-canned veggies. The IRS guy sees
Joan Allen gardening in the nude, is stung by a bee, spends a few
days delirious, and wakes up determined that he is in love with ol'
Joan. More to the point, as Allen points out to him, he is actually
in love with the ideals embodied by the family. She's right, He ends
up with Stockholm Syndrome, forgets about the tax audit, and wanders
around the desert while discovering a talent for painting
landscapes. He ends up staying with the family for several years.
The film is not without weaknesses. Even though it
is generally too long and the pace is too languorous, some plot
developments are rushed - like the agent's "love" for Joan Allen
despite knowing little about her except that she likes to garden
naked. His profession of love made me uncomfortable, which I think
the script wanted, and also made me think the IRS guy was a 'tard,
which probably wasn't part of the plan. Although the photography is
a magnificent evocation of the Great Southwest, Off the Map is an
adapted stage play, and has not lost its stagy roots. The characters
are sometimes hard to believe, as is their literary faux-poetic
dialogue, and the narration can be all-too-precious, typical of a
coming-of-age story told from the point of view of a 'tween female.
I shifted uneasily in my seat when it got slow, and when it got
hokey, and I don't much care for magic realism in general, but
...
and this is an important "but" ...
I also see why some people love it so much.
Headlined by excellent actors, it casts a hypnotic spell, draws you
into the warmth of its vibe, and if you're not careful, it'll drive
you out of the theater to sign up for zen classes and stock up on
granola.
Sidebar:
I can determine by the IMDb information that Sam
Elliott was 59 when he made this film. I think that must be a
hypothetical age
loosely based on the average age of his body parts. He appears to
have a 79 year old head on a 39 year old body.
Particles of Truth (2003)
You need to read this one at
The Movie House, for two
reasons: (1) it has pictures; (2) without the pictures you are going to think I am
lying and exaggerating (which, to be fair, I usually am.)
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Unknown woman |
Jennifer Elster |
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Hankster
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Words and pictures from Hankster.
As promised part two of "Slaughter Studios".
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Dann
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Words and pictures from Dann The
highlight of Warm Summer Rain (1989) is not so much the story, which was very
weird, but the performance by female lead Kelly Lynch, who may have given her
best performance in this flick.
A woman tries to kill herself for no apparent reason, then leaves the
hospital to wander in the desert, dressed only in a hospital gown and long coat.
She wanders into a desert tavern, and gets very drunk while partying with the
locals and a stranger in a tuxedo. Next morning, she wakes in the bed of an
abandoned house. In bed with her is the stranger, who informs her that they were
married the night before, and he has a ring and pictures to prove it.
As the relationship between these two apparently unstable people develops,
both reveal secrets that should revolt the other but doesn't. There are several
hot sex scenes and quite a bit of nudity, but the underlying story is serious
and complex, sometimes to the point of slowing things down a little too much.
This is a very strange and deep story, and not for everyone, but I found it
interesting. I also felt that of the five Kelly Lynch movies I've seen, this was
by far her best performance. |
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Kelly Lynch |
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The Crimson Ghost
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Señor Piel
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UC
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| Jutta Niedhardt in Schoenheitssalon |
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| Andrea Suwa in Exclusiv |
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| Cornelia Niemann in Ein Haus in der
Toscana: Die Quelle |
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Gabriele Fontana in Orpheus in der Unterwelt |
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Marika Lagercrantz in Lust och fagring stor |
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Isabell Gerschke in Hotte im Paradies |
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Barbara Auer in Die brennende Schnecke |
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Variety
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| More paparazzi. This time, it's Liz Hurley.
This may be old, but if so I don't remember it. |
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| Natasha Henstridge in Species. You've seen
this before, but these are gorgeous quality made from a HDTV broadcast. |
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Pat Reeder - The Comedy Wire
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Pat's Comments in yellow:
SPACE SHUTTLE FLEET GROUNDED
After the space shuttle Discovery dropped a chunk of foam insulation on liftoff,
NASA grounded all future shuttle flights until the problem can be fixed. NASA
said the foam falling off didn't harm anything, but the grounding is a huge
setback after they spent 2-1/2 years and over $1 billion trying to make the
20-year-old shuttles safe to fly again.
* I once had a similar experience, trying to keep a '78
AMC Gremlin running.
* As God is their witness, they thought 20-year-old foam could fly.
* Maybe the problem is that their engineers are 20 years old.
JAPANESE INVENT REALISTIC FEMALE ROBOT
Prof. Hiroshi Ishiguru of Osaka University unveiled "Repliee Q1," the most
realistic robot yet. It has soft silicone skin and looks exactly like a pretty
young Japanese woman. She can only sit, but she has sensors under her skin that
allow her to react like a human, flutter her eyelids, respond to touches, move
her head and hands, and even appear to breathe. Ishiguru said they'll soon be
able to make an android that could fool people into thinking she's a human woman
for up to 10 seconds, or in the right
situations, maybe 10 minutes.
* Trust me, 10 minutes is 7 minutes more than I need.
* That's nothing: Canada's "Celine Dion" android has been fooling people for
years.
* It'll be the most-wanted Christmas gift for every 14-year-old boy.
* She's made completely of silicone, but then, so is Pamela Anderson.
GRANDPARENTS GETTING YOUNGER
A study in Britain by Saga magazine found that grandparents are getting
younger. The average age of a first time grandparent in the UK is just 49, and
they will be grandparents for at least 35 years. Saga editor Emma Soames said
with people becoming grandparents so young, the blue-haired image is
"greatly out of kilter with reality." They put today's grandparents into five
categories: Hearts of Gold, Traditionalists, Quiet Reminiscers, Adventure
Seekers (mostly female, very active and love traveling) and Racy Role Models
(mostly male, they have busy social lives and like flirting, dancing and
dating.)
* With women young enough to be their granddaughters.
* They divorced their wives, who are now Adventure Seekers.
* Don't forget the Disapproving Busybodies...and the Controlling Psychopaths.
* Apparently, 49 is the new 55.
* "You're such a youthful grandparent!" is a nice way of saying, "So, your kid
got knocked up in high school!"
COWS FARTING INSIDE BUBBLES
The University of California is keeping cows inside "bio-bubbles" so the gas
they emit can be trapped and measured. The lead researcher said it's been
estimated that a herd of cows causes more pollution than a car, but he thinks
that's an exaggeration. The results of the cows-in-bubbles study will be used
to write new state laws on air quality for dairies.
* So the way to improve dairy air is to study a cow's
derriere?
* The cows don't mind: they're happier than pigs in crap.
* Being inside one of those bubbles is like sharing a phone booth with Russell
Crowe.
* A dumb, hairy creature stuck in an airtight bubble and emitting a horrid
stench...It's like Pauly Shore in "Bio-Dome."
MUSEUM INVITES NAKED VISITORS
Vienna's Leopold Museum is hosting "The Naked Truth," an exhibit of erotic nude
paintings by such Austrian masters as Gustav Klimt. To lure people to a museum
in summer, they are trying a unique promotion: Friday, visitors are invited to
wander the museum in the nude. A spokeswoman told AFP that people prefer
beaches in the summer because they can get their clothes off, so they
"might find this an attractive proposition."
* That depends on who shows up naked.
* This should dispel the notion that the "human body is a work of art."
* Art lovers will cherish this day the way the security guards will cherish the
surveillance video.
* Where else can you see so many big Vienna masterworks and so many tiny Vienna
sausages?
MOST FOLK'LL NEVER LOSE A FOOT...
Ezekiel Rubottom, 21, of Lawrence, Kansas, had his foot seized by police. It
was a club foot he had amputated three weeks ago. He said he "just figured I'd
do with it whatever I pleased," so he kept it on his porch, floating in a
bucket of formaldehyde with a porcelain horse and a can of Hamm's beer in what
he calls "a collage of myself." He also snipped off two toes as gifts for
friends. But a neighbor told the police, who seized it until they made sure it
was really his and no crime had been committed. Rubottom said, "It's
cool. It's all good. Now I've got my foot back. That's all I wanted."
* It really doesn't take much to make some people happy.
* He's so happy, he feels like he's grown a foot.
* He also wants just 10 good friends...He can't have any more because he'll
run out of toes.
* And in case the cops are wondering, the testicle in the freezer is his, too.
MILK: NOW WITH MORE FISH!
A new "supermilk" containing Omega 3 fatty acids from fish oil goes on sale this
week in Scotland. Nutritionists say that fish oil reduces heart disease and
helps keep your skin, hair and nails healthy. The creators claim the fish oil
does not change the milk's flavor.
* Well, it does, but if you're washing down haggis, you
probably won't notice.
* They make it by feeding fish to cows...Talk about gas emissions!
PORN SUITABLE FOR CANADIANS
TheSmokingGun.com reports that Canada's Border Services Agency has issued its
quarterly list of adult videos that are and are not allowed into Canada. For
unexplained reasons, "Teenage Transsexual Nurses 4," "What a Pisser" and
"Bi Bi Daddy" were barred at the border. But the videos that it's okay to bring
into Canada include "Have Some Cannelloni, Tony!", "Frank and Beans" and
"Bondage Ahoy!"
* Two cooking shows and a classic Broadway musical.
* The Transsexual Nurses are barred from Canada because they used private
medical insurance to pay for their sex change operations.
* Too bad they banned "Teenage Transsexual Nurses 4"...It's the best one.
* Of course, they allowed in any video with the word "Beaver" in the title.
CONTROVERSY OVER "DANCING WITH THE STARS"
A controversy has arisen over ABC's surprise hit, "Dancing with the Stars."
Tuesday at the Summer TV Press Tour, TV critics demanded that ABC boss Steve
McPherson reveal if it was rigged. Fans of "Seinfeld's" John O'Hurley
think he was obviously better than winner Kelly Monaco, who appears on ABC's
"General Hospital" and wore ever-skimpier outfits. Nobody could figure out the
voting or how the judges could give Monaco three perfect 10s. McPherson
suggested a Monaco-O'Hurley "dance-off" special to settle it, and Monaco said,
"Bring it on!"
* You mean both of those celebrities can fit it into
their busy schedules?!
* The winner will get a lucrative new career as a professional ballroom dancer.
* This time, John O'Hurley will wear ever-skimpier outfits.
* This is John O'Hurley's second show about nothing.
ROLLING STONES RETURN WITH A BANG
The Rolling Stones announced that their first studio album in eight years will
be entitled "The Bigger Bang." It is reportedly inspired by the band's
fascination with the "Big Bang" theory of the origin of the universe.
* They know it's true because they were there.
* I thought it was inspired by the invention of Cialis.
It was finally confirmed that Keith Richards will appear in a "Pirates of
the Caribbean" sequel. Johnny Depp said he thought pirates would be "the rock
'n' roll stars of the 18th century," so naturally, he modeled himself on Keith
Richards.
* ... who actually WAS a pop star in the 18th century.
* The sequel must have walking cadavers, too.
BIRTHDAYS
"Showgirls" star Elizabeth Berkley (33).
* She was a former child star who got famous by acting
like a stripper, and she did it long before Britney Spears came along. |
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Movie Reviews
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MOVIE REVIEWS:
Here
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
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Other Crap
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Jacko's new album flops, opens in the #128 spot on the
charts.
R.I.P.
Stifler is dead
A 67-year-old grandmother was shocked with a Taser stun
gun after she honked her car horn at a police cruiser,
and she said it was the best feeling she'd had in years.
- Check out the eloquent statement from the police
officer: "It was very loudy, it was antagonistic, it
was very derogatory toward my partner and I."
- "Loudy," as in "Loudy, Miss Scarlett, I don't know
nothin' 'bout birthin' babies"
The Top 5 Summer Reading Books For True Christian Kids!
(Landover Baptist)
- They really spent a lot of time on this, including
a parody of amazon.com, complete with customer reviews
and recommendations for related titles.
- "Customers who bought titles by Gloria Steinhunt
also bought titles by these authors: Adolf Hitler,
President George Bush, Jorgé Luis Borges"
- When you click on Adolph Hitler, you will be taken
to the real home page of Bob Jones University
Summer is here. Settle in for Beach TV
Richard Pryor has filed a lawsuit against director
Penelope Spheeris over the first (unreleased) film that
Pryor ever starred in. I would love to see him win
and flush this film out into the open for all of us.
Open source beer?? No kidding.
The trailer for Prime, a new comedy starring that wacky
cut-up, Meryl Streep
- "Prime' is a sophisticated, character comedy set
in New York City about Rafi (Thurman), a recently
divorced 37-year-old career woman from Manhattan, and
what happens when Dave, a talented 23-year-old painter
from Brooklyn, falls in love with her. 'Prime' looks
at love from everyone's point of view--friends,
relatives and in this case, Rafi's therapist (Streep)--and
follows all who come apart, and some who pull it
together, when two people fall in love."
The trailer for another upcoming Nic Cage movie, Lord of
War
- "Lord of War" is an action adventure story set in
the world of international arms dealing. The film,
based on fact, follows the globetrotting exploits of
arms dealer Yuri Orlov (Nicolas Cage). Through some of
the deadliest war zones, Yuri struggles to stay one
step ahead of a relentless Interpol agent (Ethan
Hawke), his business rivals, even some of his
customers who include many of the world's most
notorious dictators. Finally, Yuri must also face his
own conscience.
The trailer for Ghost Rider
- "In order to save his dying father, young stunt
cyclist Johnny Blaze sells his soul to Mephistopheles
and sadly parts from the pure-hearted Roxanne Simpson,
the love of his life. Years later, Johnny's path
crosses again with Roxanne, now a gogetting reporter,
and also with Mephistopheles, who offers to release
Johnny's soul if Johnny becomes the fabled, fiery
Ghost Rider, a supernatural agent of vengeance and
justice. Mephistopheles charges Johnny with defeating
the despicable Blackheart, Mephistopheles's nemesis
and son, who plans to displace his father and create a
new hell even more terrible than the old one."
The Daily Show discusses the end of the war on terror,
or at least the end of the phrase "war on terror."
The Daily Show discusses radio payola:
"Usually if you ask a whore to give you the Franz
Ferdinand, you get something else entirely."
"Bob Costas chats with Jon Stewart about his new show
Costas Now, which seems to air only occasionally"
2005 Results of the Bulwer-Lytton Bad Fiction Contest
- "As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of
the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph
Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed,
perched prominently on top of the intake manifold,
aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps
of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and
adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop
manual."
Something Awful looks at the "International Male"
catalogue
Weekly World News: "GHOST OF LINCOLN ADVISES BUSH ON WAR
IN IRAQ." With (incredibly realistic) picture!
Fascinating!
What do music business executives say behind closed
doors?
Dave Chapelle visits a dying kid, and it goes well until
they play video games.
JoBlo: Comic-Con: Behind the Scenes, Pt. 1
Richard Kelly's ''Southland Tales'' to begin as comic
books, end as a movie. I like the idea, but I hope
the movie makes sense on its own. Kelly is the director
of Donnie Darko. His collaborator on the project is
Silent Bob.
Vienna's Leopold Museum has invited the public to come
in the nude to view an exhibition of erotic works
The trailer for Green Street Hooligans
- "Journalism student Matt Buckner (Elijah Wood) has
been expelled from Harvard for a crime he didn't
commit. His promising career ended and his future
looking bleak, he heads for London to seek refuge with
his married sister Shannon (Claire Forlani) and her
husband Steve (Marc Warren). Steve introduces Matt to
his younger brother Pete (Charlie Hunnam) and, through
their friendship, Matt enters the world of football
fanaticism and the secrecy and intrigue of the
football firm."
The trailer for Oliver Twist
- Following their Academy-Award winning film, "The
Pianist," director Roman Polanski and writer Ronal
Harwood re-imagine Charles Dickens' classic story of a
young orphan boy who gets involved with a gang of
pickpockets in 19th Century London. Abandoned at an
early age, Oliver Twist (Barney Clark) is forced to
live in a workhouse lorded over by the awful Mr.
Bumble, who cheats the boys of their meager rations.
Desperate yet determined, Oliver makes his escape to
the streets of London. Penniless and alone, he is
lured into a world of crime by the sinister Fagin (Sir
Ben Kingsley) - the mastermind of a gang of pint-sized
pickpockets. Oliver's rescue by the kindly Mr.
Brownlow is only the beginning of a series of
adventures that lead him to the promise of a better
life.
Daily Show: "North Korea, the little nuclear state that
could, returned to disarmament talks after a year
hiatus."
Borowitz:
KIM JONG-IL DEMANDS IPOD ...Latest Twist in Nuke
Talks Raises Eyebrows, Concerns
Roger Ebert said: 'Stealth' is a offense against taste,
intelligence and the noise pollution code "
- "... Jamie Foxx, who in his speech on Oscar night
should have thanked God this movie wasn't released
while the voters were marking their ballots."
Daily Box Office - Tuesday - March of the Fucking
Penguins climbs to #7!!!
Multimedia: Clips from The Aristocrats - click on
the South Park Joke
"Top Ten O.J. Simpson Excuses For Stealing Direct TV"
- For some reason, cable guy is afraid to come to
the house.
- Spends a lot of time watching television now that
it's too hot to go out and kill.
- Figured "real killers" might show up on one of
them great premium movie channels
The Right Time to Make Love - tips for teen girls
from Evil Knievel and Chewbacca.
George Bush and Tony Blair playing cards.
Russell Crowe to star in A Good Year for director Ridley
Scott.
Blind Teen Amazes With Video-Game Skills ... "Brice
Mellen is a whiz at video games such as 'Mortal Kombat.'
In that regard, the 17-year-old isn't much different
from so many others his age. Except for one thing: He's
blind. " |
Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the
links above,
since it's sorta in real time.
Click
here
to submit a URL for Other Crap
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Tuna
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Currently on disability. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is tuna@scoopy.com
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