Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

Off the Map (2003)

Off the Map is a "small" character-driven film that made the festival circuit in 2003 and then fell ... well ... off the map, unable to get distribution. Critics liked it, but nobody believed in its marketability. It was finally resuscitated this year for an arthouse run (10 theaters on opening weekend, 70 theaters at maximum). The people who doubted its drawing power were correct, because the film never did bring many people into the theaters, but those who came and liked it did not just like it in a polite golf clap way. They loved it; were moved by it; embraced it, as if it were the last gasp of the ideals so many of us cherished in the hippie era of the late 60s and early 70s.

Joan Allen and Sam Elliott play a couple living off the land, and off the map, doing a Southwest version of the Thoreau thing in 1974, out somewhere in the Land of Enchantment. They make very little money. They live off their own garden, some hunting, and what they can scrounge from trash areas. He's a victim of chronic depression, so his imperturbable laid-back wife is the rock and anchor of the family. They have a precocious child who is telling the story in flashback, but she is living off the map as well, home-schooled by her mom. Most of the world has forgotten them, but unfortunately, the IRS has not, and sends out a freelancer to track them down, audit them, and get back America's just share of their assorted leavings, refuse, and home-canned veggies. The IRS guy sees Joan Allen gardening in the nude, is stung by a bee, spends a few days delirious, and wakes up determined that he is in love with ol' Joan. More to the point, as Allen points out to him, he is actually in love with the ideals embodied by the family. She's right, He ends up with Stockholm Syndrome, forgets about the tax audit, and wanders around the desert while discovering a talent for painting landscapes. He ends up staying with the family for several years.

The film is not without weaknesses. Even though it is generally too long and the pace is too languorous, some plot developments are rushed - like the agent's "love" for Joan Allen despite knowing little about her except that she likes to garden naked. His profession of love made me uncomfortable, which I think the script wanted, and also made me think the IRS guy was a 'tard, which probably wasn't part of the plan. Although the photography is a magnificent evocation of the Great Southwest, Off the Map is an adapted stage play, and has not lost its stagy roots. The characters are sometimes hard to believe, as is their literary faux-poetic dialogue, and the narration can be all-too-precious, typical of a coming-of-age story told from the point of view of a 'tween female. I shifted uneasily in my seat when it got slow, and when it got hokey, and I don't much care for magic realism in general, but  ...

and this is an important "but" ...

I also see why some people love it so much. Headlined by excellent actors, it casts a hypnotic spell, draws you into the warmth of its vibe, and if you're not careful, it'll drive you out of the theater to sign up for zen classes and stock up on granola.


I can determine by the IMDb information that Sam Elliott was 59 when he made this film. I think that must be a hypothetical age loosely based on the average age of his body parts. He appears to have a 79 year old head on a 39 year old body.

Joan Allen

While we're on the subject, here is a zipped .wmv of the scene



Particles of Truth (2003)

You need to read this one at The Movie House, for two reasons: (1) it has pictures; (2) without the pictures you are going to think I am lying and exaggerating (which, to be fair, I usually am.)


Unknown woman Jennifer Elster


Words and pictures from Hankster.  

As promised part two of "Slaughter Studios".
We pick up where we left off with Lorissa McComas as she lowers her top to reveal those robo-hooters.
Later she has those boobies fondled and winds up as a dead "Babe in Bondage"

Next we have Laura Lawson ...
... and Sierra Ellison ...
... as they get it on in some lesbian bed action and then off to the shower together. Tits from both off course.

Next we have Amy Shelton-Walker (the only female that did not  get naked), in a very sexy looking dress. Amy is also the only one who got out of this movie alive. Guess it pays to keep your clothes on in a horror movie.
We wrap it up with a topless Eva Frajko, who also winds up dead and suspended upside down.   


Words and pictures from Dann

The highlight of Warm Summer Rain (1989) is not so much the story, which was very weird, but the performance by female lead Kelly Lynch, who may have given her best performance in this flick.

A woman tries to kill herself for no apparent reason, then leaves the hospital to wander in the desert, dressed only in a hospital gown and long coat. She wanders into a desert tavern, and gets very drunk while partying with the locals and a stranger in a tuxedo. Next morning, she wakes in the bed of an abandoned house. In bed with her is the stranger, who informs her that they were married the night before, and he has a ring and pictures to prove it.

As the relationship between these two apparently unstable people develops, both reveal secrets that should revolt the other but doesn't. There are several hot sex scenes and quite a bit of nudity, but the underlying story is serious and complex, sometimes to the point of slowing things down a little too much. This is a very strange and deep story, and not for everyone, but I found it interesting. I also felt that of the five Kelly Lynch movies I've seen, this was by far her best performance.

Kelly Lynch

The Crimson Ghost

Pics of Jessica Lee from the Cinemax series "Thrills."

Señor Piel

  Scarecrow (1974)
Eileen Brennan

Fighting Tommy Riley (2005)

Christina Chambers


Jutta Niedhardt in Schoenheitssalon
Andrea Suwa in Exclusiv
Cornelia Niemann in Ein Haus in der Toscana: Die Quelle
Gabriele Fontana in Orpheus in der Unterwelt
Marika Lagercrantz in Lust och fagring stor
Isabell Gerschke in Hotte im Paradies
Barbara Auer in Die brennende Schnecke


More paparazzi. This time, it's Liz Hurley. This may be old, but if so I don't remember it.
Natasha Henstridge in Species. You've seen this before, but these are gorgeous quality made from a HDTV broadcast.

Pat Reeder - The Comedy Wire

Pat's Comments in yellow:

After the space shuttle Discovery dropped a chunk of foam insulation on liftoff, NASA grounded all future shuttle flights until the problem can be fixed.  NASA said the foam falling off didn't harm anything, but the grounding is a huge setback after they spent 2-1/2 years and over $1 billion trying to make the 20-year-old shuttles safe to fly again.

*  I once had a similar experience, trying to keep a '78 AMC Gremlin running.
*  As God is their witness, they thought 20-year-old foam could fly.
*  Maybe the problem is that their engineers are 20 years old.

Prof. Hiroshi Ishiguru of Osaka University unveiled "Repliee Q1," the most realistic robot yet.  It has soft silicone skin and looks exactly like a pretty young Japanese woman.  She can only sit, but she has sensors under her skin that allow her to react like a human, flutter her eyelids, respond to touches, move her head and hands, and even appear to breathe.  Ishiguru said they'll soon be able to make an android that could fool people into thinking she's a human woman for up to 10 seconds, or in the right
situations, maybe 10 minutes.

*  Trust me, 10 minutes is 7 minutes more than I need.
*  That's nothing: Canada's "Celine Dion" android has been fooling people for years.
*  It'll be the most-wanted Christmas gift for every 14-year-old boy.
*  She's made completely of silicone, but then, so is Pamela Anderson.

A study in Britain by Saga magazine found that grandparents are getting younger.  The average age of a first time grandparent in the UK is just 49, and they will be grandparents for at least 35 years.  Saga editor Emma Soames said with people becoming grandparents so young, the blue-haired  image is "greatly out of kilter with reality."  They put today's grandparents into five categories: Hearts of Gold, Traditionalists, Quiet Reminiscers, Adventure Seekers (mostly female, very active and love traveling) and Racy Role Models (mostly male, they have busy social lives and like flirting, dancing and  dating.)

*  With women young enough to be their granddaughters.
*  They divorced their wives, who are now Adventure Seekers.
*  Don't forget the Disapproving Busybodies...and the Controlling Psychopaths.
*  Apparently, 49 is the new 55.
*  "You're such a youthful grandparent!" is a nice way of saying, "So, your kid got knocked up in high school!"

The University of California is keeping cows inside "bio-bubbles" so the gas they emit can be trapped and measured.  The lead researcher said it's been estimated that a herd of cows causes more pollution than a car, but he thinks that's an exaggeration.  The results of the cows-in-bubbles study will be used to write new state laws on air quality for dairies.

*  So the way to improve dairy air is to study a cow's derriere?
*  The cows don't mind: they're happier than pigs in crap.
*  Being inside one of those bubbles is like sharing a phone booth with Russell Crowe.
*  A dumb, hairy creature stuck in an airtight bubble and emitting a horrid  stench...It's like Pauly Shore in "Bio-Dome."

Vienna's Leopold Museum is hosting "The Naked Truth," an exhibit of erotic nude paintings by such Austrian masters as Gustav Klimt. To lure people to a museum in summer, they are trying a unique promotion: Friday, visitors are invited to wander the museum in the nude.  A spokeswoman told AFP that people prefer beaches in the summer because they can get their  clothes off, so they "might find this an attractive proposition."

*  That depends on who shows up naked.
*  This should dispel the notion that the "human body is a work of art."
*  Art lovers will cherish this day the way the security guards will cherish the surveillance video.
*  Where else can you see so many big Vienna masterworks and so many tiny Vienna sausages?

Ezekiel Rubottom, 21, of Lawrence, Kansas, had his foot seized by police.  It was a club foot he had amputated three weeks ago.  He said he "just figured I'd do with it whatever I pleased," so he kept it on his porch,  floating in a bucket of formaldehyde with a porcelain horse and a can of Hamm's beer in what he calls "a collage of myself."  He also snipped off two toes as gifts for friends.  But a neighbor told the police, who seized it until they made sure it was really his and no crime had been committed.  Rubottom said,  "It's cool.  It's all good.  Now I've got my foot back.  That's all I wanted."

*  It really doesn't take much to make some people happy.
*  He's so happy, he feels like he's grown a foot.
*  He also wants just 10 good friends...He can't have any more because he'll  run out of toes.
*  And in case the cops are wondering, the testicle in the freezer is his, too.

A new "supermilk" containing Omega 3 fatty acids from fish oil goes on sale this week in Scotland.  Nutritionists say that fish oil reduces heart disease and helps keep your skin, hair and nails healthy.  The creators claim the fish oil does not change the milk's flavor.

*  Well, it does, but if you're washing down haggis, you probably won't notice.
*  They make it by feeding fish to cows...Talk about gas emissions!

PORN SUITABLE FOR CANADIANS reports that Canada's Border Services Agency has issued its quarterly list of adult videos that are and are not allowed into Canada.  For unexplained reasons, "Teenage Transsexual Nurses 4," "What a  Pisser" and "Bi Bi Daddy" were barred at the border.  But the videos that it's okay to bring into Canada include "Have Some Cannelloni, Tony!", "Frank and Beans" and "Bondage Ahoy!"

*  Two cooking shows and a classic Broadway musical.
*  The Transsexual Nurses are barred from Canada because they used private medical insurance to pay for their sex change operations.
*  Too bad they banned "Teenage Transsexual Nurses 4"...It's the best one.
*  Of course, they allowed in any video with the word "Beaver" in the title.

A controversy has arisen over ABC's surprise hit, "Dancing with the Stars."  Tuesday at the Summer TV Press Tour, TV critics demanded that ABC boss Steve McPherson reveal if it was rigged.  Fans of  "Seinfeld's" John O'Hurley think he was obviously better than winner Kelly Monaco, who appears on ABC's "General Hospital" and wore ever-skimpier outfits.  Nobody could figure out the voting or how the judges could give Monaco three perfect 10s.  McPherson suggested a Monaco-O'Hurley "dance-off" special to settle it, and Monaco said, "Bring it on!"

*  You mean both of those celebrities can fit it into their busy schedules?!
*  The winner will get a lucrative new career as a professional ballroom dancer.
*  This time, John O'Hurley will wear ever-skimpier outfits.
*  This is John O'Hurley's second show about nothing.

The Rolling Stones announced that their first studio album in eight years will be entitled "The Bigger Bang."  It is reportedly inspired by the band's fascination with the "Big Bang" theory of the origin of  the universe.

*  They know it's true because they were there.
*  I thought it was inspired by the invention of Cialis.

It was finally confirmed that Keith Richards will appear in  a "Pirates of the Caribbean" sequel.  Johnny Depp said he thought pirates would be "the rock 'n' roll stars of the 18th century," so naturally, he modeled himself on Keith Richards.

*  ... who actually WAS a pop star in the 18th century.
*  The sequel must have walking cadavers, too.

"Showgirls" star Elizabeth Berkley (33).

*  She was a former child star who got famous by acting like a stripper, and she did it long before Britney Spears came along.

Movie Reviews


Here are the latest movie reviews available at


  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


Other Crap

Jacko's new album flops, opens in the #128 spot on the charts.

R.I.P. Stifler is dead

A 67-year-old grandmother was shocked with a Taser stun gun after she honked her car horn at a police cruiser, and she said it was the best feeling she'd had in years.

  • Check out the eloquent statement from the police officer: "It was very loudy, it was antagonistic, it was very derogatory toward my partner and I."
  • "Loudy," as in "Loudy, Miss Scarlett, I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' babies"

The Top 5 Summer Reading Books For True Christian Kids! (Landover Baptist)

  • They really spent a lot of time on this, including a parody of, complete with customer reviews and recommendations for related titles.
  • "Customers who bought titles by Gloria Steinhunt also bought titles by these authors: Adolf Hitler, President George Bush, Jorgé Luis Borges"
  • When you click on Adolph Hitler, you will be taken to the real home page of Bob Jones University

Summer is here. Settle in for Beach TV

Richard Pryor has filed a lawsuit against director Penelope Spheeris over the first (unreleased) film that Pryor ever starred in. I would love to see him win and flush this film out into the open for all of us.

Open source beer?? No kidding.

The trailer for Prime, a new comedy starring that wacky cut-up, Meryl Streep

  • "Prime' is a sophisticated, character comedy set in New York City about Rafi (Thurman), a recently divorced 37-year-old career woman from Manhattan, and what happens when Dave, a talented 23-year-old painter from Brooklyn, falls in love with her. 'Prime' looks at love from everyone's point of view--friends, relatives and in this case, Rafi's therapist (Streep)--and follows all who come apart, and some who pull it together, when two people fall in love."

The trailer for another upcoming Nic Cage movie, Lord of War

  • "Lord of War" is an action adventure story set in the world of international arms dealing. The film, based on fact, follows the globetrotting exploits of arms dealer Yuri Orlov (Nicolas Cage). Through some of the deadliest war zones, Yuri struggles to stay one step ahead of a relentless Interpol agent (Ethan Hawke), his business rivals, even some of his customers who include many of the world's most notorious dictators. Finally, Yuri must also face his own conscience.

The trailer for Ghost Rider

  • "In order to save his dying father, young stunt cyclist Johnny Blaze sells his soul to Mephistopheles and sadly parts from the pure-hearted Roxanne Simpson, the love of his life. Years later, Johnny's path crosses again with Roxanne, now a gogetting reporter, and also with Mephistopheles, who offers to release Johnny's soul if Johnny becomes the fabled, fiery Ghost Rider, a supernatural agent of vengeance and justice. Mephistopheles charges Johnny with defeating the despicable Blackheart, Mephistopheles's nemesis and son, who plans to displace his father and create a new hell even more terrible than the old one."

The Daily Show discusses the end of the war on terror, or at least the end of the phrase "war on terror."

The Daily Show discusses radio payola: "Usually if you ask a whore to give you the Franz Ferdinand, you get something else entirely."

"Bob Costas chats with Jon Stewart about his new show Costas Now, which seems to air only occasionally"

2005 Results of the Bulwer-Lytton Bad Fiction Contest

  • "As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual."

Something Awful looks at the "International Male" catalogue

Weekly World News: "GHOST OF LINCOLN ADVISES BUSH ON WAR IN IRAQ." With (incredibly realistic) picture!

Fascinating! What do music business executives say behind closed doors?

Dave Chapelle visits a dying kid, and it goes well until they play video games.

JoBlo: Comic-Con: Behind the Scenes, Pt. 1

Richard Kelly's ''Southland Tales'' to begin as comic books, end as a movie. I like the idea, but I hope the movie makes sense on its own. Kelly is the director of Donnie Darko. His collaborator on the project is Silent Bob.

Vienna's Leopold Museum has invited the public to come in the nude to view an exhibition of erotic works

The trailer for Green Street Hooligans

  • "Journalism student Matt Buckner (Elijah Wood) has been expelled from Harvard for a crime he didn't commit. His promising career ended and his future looking bleak, he heads for London to seek refuge with his married sister Shannon (Claire Forlani) and her husband Steve (Marc Warren). Steve introduces Matt to his younger brother Pete (Charlie Hunnam) and, through their friendship, Matt enters the world of football fanaticism and the secrecy and intrigue of the football firm."

The trailer for Oliver Twist

  • Following their Academy-Award winning film, "The Pianist," director Roman Polanski and writer Ronal Harwood re-imagine Charles Dickens' classic story of a young orphan boy who gets involved with a gang of pickpockets in 19th Century London. Abandoned at an early age, Oliver Twist (Barney Clark) is forced to live in a workhouse lorded over by the awful Mr. Bumble, who cheats the boys of their meager rations. Desperate yet determined, Oliver makes his escape to the streets of London. Penniless and alone, he is lured into a world of crime by the sinister Fagin (Sir Ben Kingsley) - the mastermind of a gang of pint-sized pickpockets. Oliver's rescue by the kindly Mr. Brownlow is only the beginning of a series of adventures that lead him to the promise of a better life.

Daily Show: "North Korea, the little nuclear state that could, returned to disarmament talks after a year hiatus."

Borowitz: KIM JONG-IL DEMANDS IPOD ...Latest Twist in Nuke Talks Raises Eyebrows, Concerns

Roger Ebert said: 'Stealth' is a offense against taste, intelligence and the noise pollution code "

  • "... Jamie Foxx, who in his speech on Oscar night should have thanked God this movie wasn't released while the voters were marking their ballots."

Daily Box Office - Tuesday - March of the Fucking Penguins climbs to #7!!!

Multimedia: Clips from The Aristocrats - click on the South Park Joke

"Top Ten O.J. Simpson Excuses For Stealing Direct TV"

  • For some reason, cable guy is afraid to come to the house.
  • Spends a lot of time watching television now that it's too hot to go out and kill.
  • Figured "real killers" might show up on one of them great premium movie channels

The Right Time to Make Love - tips for teen girls from Evil Knievel and Chewbacca.

George Bush and Tony Blair playing cards.

Russell Crowe to star in A Good Year for director Ridley Scott.

Blind Teen Amazes With Video-Game Skills ... "Brice Mellen is a whiz at video games such as 'Mortal Kombat.' In that regard, the 17-year-old isn't much different from so many others his age. Except for one thing: He's blind. "


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