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Rise
(2007)
Just one quick note on Rise. I wrote quite an enthusiastic review of the DVD
screener, and mentioned that I was looking forward to the unrated DVD, which was
about a half-hour longer. I pre-ordered the long version, and I got conned. Not
only is the extended version much harder to follow, with less dramatic tension,
but it actually has LESS nudity from Lucy Liu. These two scenes, which were
taken from the screener, have been cut from the longer version! Yes, you read
that right. CUT from the LONGER version.
 
In fairness, the longer version does have a bit more nudity from Cameron
Richardson (which I covered a while back), but there's nothing new to see. It's just
that the scene goes on longer.
I still think the film has some good elements, but the unrated version is a
complete disappointment.
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* Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).
* White asterisk:
expanded format.
*
Blue asterisk: not mine.
No asterisk: it probably
sucks.
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OTHER CRAP:
Catch the deluxe
version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles,
here.
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Crawlspace
(1986)
Crawlspace (1986) is a psychological horror offering starring
two things which humans find
naturally creepy: rats and Klaus Kinski. Kinski runs an apartment house
for women. He was formerly a physician and, before that, son of a
Nazi war criminal. His specialty is killing -- mercy killing at
first, until he becomes addicted. The title comes from the fact that
his workshop, where he keeps a woman whose tongue he has cut out, is
connected to a crawl space where he can spy into all of the
apartments through ventilator grates. As the film opens, one of his
tenants discovers his workshop, so he dispatches her and puts out
the "apartment for rent" sign. Student Talia Balsam takes the room,
meets the other tenants, but becomes suspicious of the place and the
landlord, leading to the final confrontation.
Flesh: FAIL. There were five attractive young women in the cast,
but only one showed skin, and not much at that.
Gore: FAIL. Nearly everyone is killed, but mostly off camera.
Yes, there is some suspense, but Klaus Kinski and a bunch of rats,
while forming a strong enough basis for a nightmare,
don't add up to a whole motion picture.
IMDb: 4.4.
Me: gentleman's C-.
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Bandidas
(2005)
Today is a non-nudity day, but we do have cleavage from the dynamic duo
of Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek as these two lovelies have a hard time
keeping their bosoms from popping out of their clothes.
Salma
Penny
Both
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Notes and collages
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Skeletor Spice doing a photo shoot outside the Louvre
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Two collages of Sienna Miller's nude scenes
from the set of Hippie Hippie Shake
 
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Jessica Biel in Chuck and Larry
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Carla Gugino in the all-green-screen version of Sin City |
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A thorough compilation of Jane
March's nude scenes in The Lover, which would get my vote as the best
softcore sex film ever made. This is what Emmanuelle would have been like
if actually written by a woman, filmed by a genius director, and created
by people of normal intelligence. Massive download, but worth it if this
film is not in your collection. |
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Film footage from Nadesha Brennicke
in Tattoo. |
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Watchtower
At last. The cinema welcomes the story everyone said could not be
filmed. The epic story of those annoying little pamphlets that the
Jehovah's Witnesses hand out to everyone in the world.
Or, perhaps it's just a renamed version of a straight-to-DVD film from
2001 called Cruel and Unusual, starring Tom Berenger.
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Luz y Sombra
Ana Lilia (Ana La Salvia) is a wife who becomes disgusted with the
drunken behavior of her husband at an important gathering. After arguing
with him and hurrying out of the venue towards her home, Ana happens
upon the irrational and seemingly crazy Juan Manuel who kidnaps her and
holds her hostage. While in captivity, Ana slowly realizes that Juan
Manuel is someone from her dark past and she begins to learn more about
her husband's past life as well.
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The Comedy Wire
POLITICAL QUOTE OF THE DAY! Mitt Romney said the Republican debate was like
"Law & Order": "It's got a large cast, the series goes on forever, and Fred
Thompson shows up at the end."
* Also, with all those politicians, there's a good
chance someone will end up going to jail.
Having money doesn't necessarily make for a happy marriage. Forbes
reports that a study by Prince & Associates found almost half of rich Americans
say they're unhappy with their marriages. 30 percent are considering divorce,
but most say it would cost them too much money. 43 percent of the rich husbands
admitted to having affairs in the past three years, and surprisingly, so did 61
percent of the rich wives.
* See, money can't buy happiness!...Although it can
hire a studly gardener, which makes the wife pretty happy.
The New York Post reports that Holly Madison has been appointed as the new
junior photo editor of Playboy magazine, and she plans to shake it up. She
said, "I'm looking for natural bodies. I pay attention to what readers write in
- and they do like to see diversity...I think
readers are sick of seeing the same cookie-cutter blondes." Madison is one of
Hugh Hefner's three silicone-enhanced, nearly-identical, blonde girlfriends.
* But they all have different names, which is Hef's idea
of diversity.
* Who'd she have to sleep with to get THAT job?!
Nick Nolte's girlfriend has given birth to a baby daughter, making him a father
again at 66. He looks stunned.
* Of course, he always looks stunned.
* If you've seen what he looks like now, can you
imagine how he'll look after six months with no sleep!
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