Yo, dudes, junior is working on his tan in the Caribbean this week, and I'm doing double duty, working on this page.

Life isn't necessarily fair.

He returns Saturday.

Movies:

Castle Freak is a lame 1995 horror film from the Re-Animator team. Unfortunately they left the humor on the re-animation table.

• Rafaella Offidani (1, 2)

Deathbed is a 2002 STV - a ghost story. Actually not a bad flick for a zero budgeter. Now fnd it on the same DVD as Castle Freak

• Tanya Dempsey
• Meagan Mangum (1, 2)

Other crap:

• Members of a lesbian feminist group have been arrested for filming a nude soap opera in the streets of a Bolivian city. That's a crime?

• Invaluable resource  - the misheard lyrics site

• another great resource - the world's worst names for your baby

• After finding no response to his recent groveling, Trent Lott will commit ritual suicide - "With my inappropriate, insensitive comments, I have brought shame to myself, my family, the United States Senate, and my country," Lott said.  "According to the Boshido, or the way of the warrior, the only way I can overcome my disgrace is through death."

• More Kiistmas Kitsch - Jesus action figure - now with glidotronic power to simulate walking on water!

• Unbelievably good reviews for The Two Towers!

• The Anna Nicole Smith Christmas special - featuring the penis puppeteers. Now that's the way Christmas was intended to be. Spiritual, dignified, both joyful and solemn, yet always leaving room for penis puppetry.

• The one thing that's been missing from your life  - a live 24/7 John Tesh cam. You have to go to Tesh's site just to see the sappy graphics.

• Rish Limbaugh now claims that it is merely an internet rumor that he avoided military service because of a boil on his butt. Snopes.com finds out that (1) Rush did have a pilonidal cyst, and that (2) a pilonidal cyst always has been a legitimate deferment. So draw your own conclusions.

• Bill of Rights streamlined to get rid of some of those unnecessary rights.

Mailbox:

Scoop's notes in yellow

Dear Scoopy  - Arielle Dombasle.  Just a few words about frame 2 in yesterday's Funhouse. This picture comes from the movie "Les pyramides bleues" (1988), aka "The Novice", which Arielle herself directed. You can read in the "clapper" the Spanish title of the flick : "La novicia" and the name of the cameraman, Renan Pollès.

Great contribution! Thanks

Haven't seen anything yet. There is no dependable source of pictures for stage plays. It is "catch as catch can". We saw the nudity from Kathleen Turner and Linda Gray, for example, but still have not seen Anne Archer (or Lorraine Bracco, who just opened) in the same role. Among the other missing persons are Michelle Williams' appearance in Killer Joe and Nicole Kidman's famous appearance in The Blue Room. I hope that somebody somewhere has taken pictures of those performances, so that we can see them someday.

Scoop. I'M CONFUSED. IS ROBYN HARRIS ALSO GAIL HARRIS? IN YOUR ARCHIVES, THERE ARE CAPS OF "BOTH" FROM THE MOVIE "MASSEUSE", SOME SCENES ARE THE SAME.

Yup, same woman. Page 3 girl Gail Thackray is also the same woman. Gail Harris (Robyn Harris), a regular in the world of porn, finally moved to the other side of the camera to become a publisher/editor for the Larry Flynt organization. She's been in the biz for nearly two decades, but is only in her 30s, and still takes an occasional acting gig.

• Thumbnails (1, 2)
• Jennifer Tilly ( 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
• Kim Basinger ( 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22)

Former Miss Thailand, Tanya Suesantisuka.  My brother, who has traveled everywhere, tells me there are no ugly women in Thailand.

And then there was Kirsten Imrie (1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8) (couldn't find #3, if it exists) who may never have won a Miss Anywhere contest, but she is beyond sexy.  She once appeared in Penthouse as Kirsten Stewart ... whence cometh most of these scans.

More golden oldies and more wallpapers.

Nastassia Kinski in "To The Devil, a Daughter"

Collages (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

Wallpapers (1, 2)

Angie Everhart. This pic is not worth it for the nudity, but it's a lovely scan of a lovely woman before she was famous.

Christie Turlington

Julie Anderson

Nicole Beach (1, 2)

Tasha Mota

Snow sculpture at its finest. (1, 2)

One more funny real-life thing. Names that should not be hyphenated.

Pat's comments in yellow   

Best ... War ... EVER! - The Independent UK reports that men in Afghanistan are furious over newspaper photos of U.S. soldiers checking under women's burqas for weapons.  They refuse to believe the soldiers are women and can't even conceive of someone in a uniform with pants being female.  So to prevent cultural conflict, U.S. female soldiers on gun raids in remote villages now bound out of helicopters and immediately strip to their sports bras before searching the women so the Afghan men can tell they're women, too.

*  So now, they think that American men have breasts.

*  That doesn't help: Afghan men have no idea what women look like under their burqas.

*  But women stripping in public makes Afghan men furious!

*  And you can tell they're American, because it's just like a scene out of "Charlie's Angels."


Holy Crap! - China is officially atheist, yet in the first 10 months of 2002, they exported $939 million worth of lights, ornaments, plastic
wreaths, tinsel, inflatable Santas and other Christmas-related paraphernalia, mostly to the US.

*  And they say they aren't religious!

*  It's valued at $939 million...After Christmas, $49.95.


JEALOUS MODEL SENTENCED FOR BIKINI PRANK  - Jealous fashion model Olga Schutzen, 20, landed in a Berlin court after she bragged to friends about sabotaging a rival's photo shoot by putting itching powder in her bikini.  The victim, 19-year-old Anja Lesismann, said, "It was agony."  The judge ordered Schutzen to pay Anja for her lost earnings and for her to visit a health club for a week.

*  She's been itching to go to a health club.

*  It was agony...but they got some GREAT pictures!

*  It was agony because it was a thong bikini.

*  I can't believe a bikini model couldn't find someone who was willing to help scratch her.

BRAD PITT CAR AD BANNED IN MALAYSIA  - Malaysia's government has banned some Toyota ads featuring Brad Pitt, declaring them to be "an insult to Asians."  The Deputy Information Minister said that showing the non-Asian Pitt in the car, the ads "plant a seed of inferiority" among Asian men, making them think that they aren't handsome enough to appear in an ad.

*  Come on!  Brad Pitt makes EVERYONE feel like that!

*  The women feel inferior, too...He's MUCH prettier than they are.

*  They do allow American sitcoms to air, because they all feature fat schlubs married to beautiful women.

*  I thought they'd ban it for false advertising!  I mean, Brad Pitt in a TOYOTA?!



 Jennifer Lopez says she's tired of being called J-Lo because her mom has started calling her by her "celebrity" nickname "J-Lo" whenever she thinks she's behaving badly

...So she hears it ALL the time!

...We should call her "Jell-O," after what she looks like from behind.


Hopes for another season of "Friends" may be quashed by Jennifer Aniston, who told Entertainment Weekly, "In my mind, I'm done.  I want to start my family"

...And she could NEVER appear pregnant on "Friends!"

...Bear in mind, the entire cast of "Friends" is now over 45.

THE COMEDY WIRE'S "TOP TEN LOSERS OF 2002"

1.  The Democratic Party - Pundits said the 2002 election was "the Democrats' to lose," and they took it literally.  A special "Never Give Up" award goes to Walter Mondale for coming out of retirement to lose the only state he won in 1984, thus finally cleaning up the one blotch on a perfect record.

2.  Michael Jackson - Made headlines in 2002 for getting sued, calling his label head a racist, making his kids wear burqas to the zoo, dangling a baby over a balcony and shocking the world just by showing his face in public.  Note that none of these headlines contained the phrase "hit record."  

3.  Arthur Andersen - This spot could go to Enron, WorldCom or many others, but Arthur Andersen was the common thread in so many corporate scandals. Plus, it was founded to insure that other companies' books were accurate.  Talk about losing sight of the goal! 

4.  Osama bin Laden - You can tell that both terrorists and rock stars are dead when they stop putting out new videos and fans have to settle for bad homemade audiotapes that don't even sound like them.  

5.  Madonna - Still groundlessly insisting she is an actress, Madonna made her most lethal stab at movie stardom yet with "Swept Away."  By the end of its two-week run, it was playing to an average of two people per screening, ironically making it the perfect date movie. 

6.  Sen. Trent Lott - An ordinary mortal would need a time machine to lose the 1948 election six weeks after winning the 2002 election, but Lott has a supernatural ability to put his foot in his mouth faster than light speed and turn back the clock.  Unfortunately for him, nobody wanted to accompany him.    

7.  The Stupidest Criminals of 2002 (Tie) - U.S. Division: the Slidell, Louisiana, teens who stole a Krispy Kreme truck, apparently not realizing that cops would chase it even if it weren't stolen.  Foreign Division: The would-be robber in Giessen, Germany, who pulled a burlap bag over his head then stumbled blindly around a bank lobby because he forgot to cut eyeholes. 

8.  Phil Donahue - Apparently thawed out from a 1978 cryogenic freezing to anchor MSNBC's new talk lineup, Donahue proved to be a true anchor and sank the whole network.  His rating hit 0.1, the lowest for which Nielsen has a number, which means it's doubtful even Marlo Thomas was watching him.

9.  Kmart - The hapless discount chain's stock plummeted as it sought bankruptcy protection.  Luckily, Kmart had a beloved, non-controversial celebrity spokeswoman: Rosie O'Donnell.  Oops!  Well, thank goodness, they still had Martha Stewart!  Uh-oh.

10. Helene Eksterowicz from "The Bachelor" - All the women on this show had self-esteem so low, they were willing to flaunt themselves like harem girls on national TV to win a dork they had never even met.  But Helene is the biggest loser of the lot because she actually won him.