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"Guns" (1990) once again shows that Andy Sidaris is a master at taking women whose biggest achievement is being seen in a magazine with a staple through their naval, and teaching them to say "Let's hit the hot tub" convincingly. His films are populated by beautiful people, and I have never found myself cringing at dialogue delivery. This is a typical Sidaris plot, with so many characters and so much going on, it is hard to follow, but, as Joe Bob says in the Special Features, 11 breasts, a helicopter explosion, three chase scenes, who needs a plot. A South American revolutionary wants to purchase Chinese automatic weapons, and need to refuel the aircraft in Hawaii. Dona Speir's father was killed by him, and he kind of wants to attack her, and lure all of the agents away from Hawaii at the same time. He hires two hit men, and assigns them to whack Roberta Vasquez. They end up shooting the wrong woman, but the plan otherwise succeeds, as the whole crowd heads to Las Vegas to catch the killer.

Once in Vegas, it seems most of the agents have hidden agendas, and good guys and bad guys drop like flies. Last night, we got a look at Devin DeVasquez from every angle. Tonight, we have breasts from Donna Spangler and breasts and bush from Kym Malin as two agents/oil wrestlers. We have a breast from Roberta Vasquez, in a very hot sex scene on a motorcycle in the desert, breasts and buns from Donna Speir after "hitting the shower," breasts from Cynthia Brimhall as a singer/agent, and, as a bonus, Julie Strain, who was a only a minor fitness model when the film was made, shows her big guns chatting with Sidaris in the intro.

IMDB readers score all of these films low, and this one is no exception at 2.8 of 10. For me, it was another solid bullets, bombs, babes Sidaris film. I will be buying the entire set as they are released, which will give you some idea how I feel about this mindless entertainment. C.

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  • Cynthia Brimhall (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
  • Dona Speir (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
  • Julie Strain (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
  • Roberta Vasquez (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
  • Donna Spangler and Kym Malin (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

    "House of Whipcord"

    House of Whipcord (1974) is a British Horror/Thriller. First. let me warn you to ignore all of the usual sources of information on this film. The summary at IMDB is so far wrong it is frightening, Bare Facts says there is no nudity, CNDB has never heard of it, and SONDB has it, but lists a wrong actress as having the exposure. Part of the reason for the confusion is probably that the film has been released in a heavily censored 88 minute edition, while the full Region 2 PAL version is around 102 minutes.

    The story is an interesting and somewhat unique one, but the execution (excuse the pun) could have been far better. I young French model is at a party with her London flatmate, and is a little embarrassed by a nude photo of her on display, the shooting of which got her arrested. She meets a young man at the party, and accepts a dinner invitation from him. They get along well, and he invites her to meet his parents. He neglects to mention that his father is a retired judge, and his mother a discharged prison matron, and that the two of them live in an old prison, where they punish young women they feel the courts were too easy on. It is the sons job to lure them there.

    Conditions are awful, and there are many rules. For your first infraction of any rule, it is two weeks solitary. The second results in 40 lashes with a cat 0 nine tails, and you are hanged for the third. Although the judge, who is blind and forgetful, doesn't realize it, no prisoner has ever been released. The French girl (Penny Irving), reminds the matron of the French prisoner that caused her to be sacked. Irving's flatmate, Ann Michelle, is worried, but has no idea where to find her. The conclusion is not what I would call a feel-good sort of ending.

    Irving shows all three Bs after a shower with her flatmate, and again in jail being strip-searched. Michelle shows breasts after sex with her boyfriend. IMDB readers say 4.6 of 10, which may be about right, especially since this 4/3 transfer is dismal quality. The story could have been made into a first-rate genre film with more budget, better acting, and better direction/editing. D.

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  • Ann Michelle (1, 2)
  • Penny Irving (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    After what seems like weeks without any cool nudity, today's new releases had so much that I couldn't get to it all. Figures, doesn't it? Here's two of the nudity winners. More tomorrow.

    Con Express is a grade-b version of the "American and Russian agents must team up to defeat a rogue Russian general" movie that seems to be the only plot left in the international arena since (1) Russia is our pal and Dubya calls Putin "pootie-poot" (2) filmmakers are almost religious in subscribing to liberal dogma, which currently precludes featuring any Arabs as terrorists.

    • Anyway, Ursula Karven got naked. (1, 2)
    • This movie is the first time I have seen Ursula naked in a North American movie (her English is fluent, almost unaccented), but she's been nekkid in a few zillion German things. She has a special kind of look - the kind of woman that might make you think, "Yeah, she's kinda hot, but I could get her. Hell, I could even lead her on, then reject her". Here's a whole bunch of pictures of Ursula's boobies and buns. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

    Dagon is a surprisingly good genre movie on a good DVD transfer, with two commentary tracks. I hate giant creature movies, and I hate zombie movies, and this is a movie about a giant sea creature who turns humans into fish-like zombies. But I kinda liked it, so you might love it if you like that kinda stuff. It has an ultra-grunge look, expremely inventive and explicit gore (watch a man's face being torn from his skull in real time while he's conscious), a great fog-shrouded Spanish seacoast town with narrow streets and decrepit buildings, a story by H.P. Lovecraft, creepy/paranoid atmosphere, a director who loves H.P. Lovecraft (he also did Re-Animator, and has been sitting on this one for more than a decade), and plenty of strange and sexy nudity from two babes. I'd wager a guess that if you like creature movies, zombie movies, or H.P. Lovecraft, you will be delighted with this film, which is the state of the art, and the first time anyone has done a good job on Lovecraft without a lot of jokes and/or high camp. It stays quite faithful to Lovecraft's tone.

    Did I mention the sexy Spanish babes, one of whom looks like Elle Macpherson?

    • Raquel Meroņo. She's the one who resembles Elle. Look at collage number 4. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
    • Macarena Gomez. (1, 2, 3)


    Other crap:





    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that I inexplicably determined there might be something of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Graphic Response
    • Very rare nudity from Sondra Locke and Colleen Camp in "Death Game" aka "The Seducers" (1977). In these 'caps Locke shows breasts and bum while Camp bares her big'uns!

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.


    First up we have Rhona Mitra in "Hollowman". In link #2 she is being attacked by an invisible Kevin Bacon, so I guess we call her Today's "Damsel in Distress".

    • Rhona Mitra (1, 2)

    The other 'caps today are a trip back in the time machine to the sixties and a look at Marsha Jordan in "Frustration" aka "The Divorcee". Old-timers will remember Marsha as being a big name in soft core films in that era. These are from videotape as I doubt this sucker will ever make it to DVD, but for old times sake I thought it was worth look at least to me anyway, you know how I love the old stuff.

    • Marsha Jordan (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    Charlotte Rampling The long time cult favorite topless in scenes from 1977's "Un taxi mauve".

    Agostina Belli The Italian actress in a bath tub scene, also from "Un taxi mauve". Breasts, and a hint of bush.

    Svenja Pages The German actress topless in scenes from "Und morgen fängt das Leben an" (1996)

    Sybil Danning Another B-movie/cult favorite. Here she is topless in "Young Lady Chatterley II" (1985).

    Liv Tyler Her first toplessness in scenes from "Stealing Beauty" (1996).

    Shannon Whirry The busty, and often nude B-movie regular breast feeding, Farrelly brothers style. From "Me, Myself & Irene" (2000).

    Heidi Klum
    (1, 2)

    The über-model appearing in the August '02 issue of the German GQ. In #2 I think you can almost kinda sorta see a hint of areola.

    Leelee Sobieski A production still with some cleavage from her upcoming movie "L'Idole".

    Delphine Zentout
    (1, 2)

    Breasts, and a little nit of bush and bum in scenes from "36 fillette" (1988).

    Cindy Jackson
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Something odd from A.P. Cindy Jackson and her friend combined have had 44 operations done to make them look like Barbie and Ken. First of all...FREAKS! Secondly, 44 operation and they still look nothing like Ken and Barbie? Time for new doctors! Third and most importantly, Jackson's top comes down and we get to see a very nice breast.

    The Funnies by Number 6
  • The Redneck Car Alarm

  • Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    A Split Costs You $50 Extra - Australia's top legal brothel, the Daily Planet in Melbourne, will make an initial offering of 12,000 shares of stock at $500 (US) each, with plans for an eventual $25 million flotation on the Australian Stock Exchange. A spokesman said that sex sells so well, "the opportunities are unlimited," and they hope to use the proceeds to branch out into adult products, strip clubs and restaurants with adult elements.

  • Like the Outback Steakhouse, except when you order the special, the waitress takes you out back.
  • They hope to give new meaning to the term "strip shopping center."
  • Their potential earnings look great, now that congressmen are getting that $5,000 raise.
  • Here's your chance to invest in a company where screwing the stockholders is actually one of the perks.
  • If anyone can get your Nasdaq up, they can!
  • So the only way to keep from losing your shirt is to invest in topless dancing.

    Cheaper Than A Divorce - Police in Seoul, South Korea, arrested a blackmailer who allegedly sent a form letter to hundreds of random corporate executives in their 40s and 50s, claiming he had evidence they committed adultery and would publicize it if they didn't pay him 1 million won ($854 US). By the time he was caught, he had collected 9 million won. Police said the men paid him to preempt bad rumors, not because they'd committed adultery.

  • Of course not! They'd pay off a sleazy blackmailer, but they're much too honest to commit adultery!
  • They're the people who gave you the current stock market, so you can believe they'd never screw a stranger.
  • Besides, for a blackmailer, his rates were very reasonable.

    Mary Doesn't Do Windows - Over 30,000 people have visited a home in Sao Paulo, Brazil, after an image of the Virgin Mary appeared on a window pane. The Catholic Church is even sending a team of investigators, but the local priest keeps trying to tell people it isn't a miracle, it's just light reflection caused by the glass polish. The homeowner countered that she's used the same glass cleaner for years and the Virgin Mary never appeared before.

  • Only Elvis...and one time, a horsie.
  • But this is the new and IMPROVED glass cleaner!
  • Maybe it's a miracle cleaner!
  • Behold the cleaning power of lemon

    No "Jay Leno's Chin-Chin-Cherry?" - NBC has struck a deal with Baskin-Robbins to create a line of ice cream flavors to promote NBC's fall TV lineup. They'll include "Good Morning Miami Mint," "Fear Factor Sundae" and "Will & Grace's Rocky Road of Romance."

  • That's too rocky...And it's made with half-and-half.
  • It comes in a uniquely-shaped cone that straight guys may feel uncomfortable licking.
  • Don't even ask what the ingredients are in "Fear Factor Sundae"...But here's a hint: Those AREN'T raisins.
  • What's the proper wine to go with "Frasier Vanilla?"
  • In honor of "Meet My Folks," they have a flavor called "Pimp-Your-Daughter Pistachio."
  • But if you like chocolate, you won't find any on NBC.