"Dark Tides"

Dark Tides (1998) has the most muddled plot I have seen in quite some time. Lets get the good stuff out of the way quickly. Paige Turco and Katherine Kendall show breasts, and it was shot in Maine, and so has a few decent visuals. As to the plot, Turco and the husband she hates are out poaching lobsters, when they happen upon a quarter million dollars that is being transferred from somebody to somebody else by yet someone else by dropping it in the water attached to a buoy. Of course, they take it home. Turco wants her husband to let her go, but he killed her first husband, and threatens to implicate her if she leaves. That much was fairly easy to understand. Her husband's brother is a pilot, who is giving her flying lessons, and they seem to have the hots for each other. One of the people involved with the thwarted money transfer figures out that they have the money, and leans on her, so Turco convinces him to help her kill her husband and split the money. On the other hand, he has a girlfriend who shows up in town (Kendall) who just happens to be the daughter of the murdered ex husband, and who has an affair with the pilot brother.

We never know why one group of people owed the money to someone else, why the third party was involved, or who any of those people were. Maybe the plot was supposed to be simply that Turco was trying to get out of the bad marriage, and steal the money to start over, and other details were not important enough to let us in on. We see one of Turco's breasts from the side as she changes clothes. She has a sex scene, but has sex with her clothes on. Kendall has a sex scene with the pilot brother, and we see her breasts, but the scene is shot back-lit using a hand held camera that never actually moves, except for the annoying jiggle.

10 IMDB readers have this at 4.1 of 10, which is frankly way too high. Add a muddled plot, nearly no character development, lots of improbable plot devices (such as doing in the last bad person with poison champaign prepared days before to kill someone else), and an entire cast of people that you can't really care about, and I can't recommend this mess to anyone. F.

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  • Katherine Kendall (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
  • Paige Turco (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)


    Basic Training (1985)

    Basic Training is basically a typical grade-B straight-to-vid tits-'n-jokes film from the 1980s. The comedy is on the level of a lowbrow TV show, like I Dream of Jeannie or Gilligan. The nudity is supplied mostly by anonymous extras, but there's plenty of it, including several frontals, and the three stars do remove their tops as well, albeit briefly.

    Ann Dusenberry plays a Midwesterner who moves to D.C. to seek a career. She is thrilled to get an entry-level position at the Pentagon, but she finds out that the military guys are all incompetent or horny or both. At first she finds this offensive, but as time goes on she realizes that the competence vacuum, coupled with the willingness of the brass to do anything for some 'tang, gives her an opportunity to run the American military virtually on her own. When she finds that the Russians equal the Americans in both incompetence and lust, she heads toward complete domination of the world, all while working ostensibly as a lowly secretary to a junior officer.

    By our rating system, this film is a low C-. I think it's OK if you're looking for a brain-dead titillation film. The humor is juvenile, and the acting is Catskills schtick, but the women are attractive, so I guess its an acceptable genre film for genre aficionados. Although there is no widescreen version, and the film is not lit consistently well, the transfer is fine. The Dusenberry topless scene looks GREAT!

    If you're looking for something besides Gilligan humor mixed with female flesh, the abysmal IMDb score of 3.5/10 should tell you that whatever you seek, it won't be found here.

    Monster's Ball (2001)


    I don't know how many damned times I have done captures from Monster's Ball, but here's the latest. These are from the new Region 1 DVD release, which finally includes the full-length love scene. The only difference between this and  the European version is that Billy Bob's balls have been digitally obscured by a plant or something. Frankly, this is OK by me. Despite my general antipathy toward censorship, I am willing to allow BB's 'nads to be excised from films. This is an exception I will continue to allow even after I attain absolute power "I decree that anything may be shown on the screen except Thornton's nutsack".

    The long version of the sex scene lasts more than four minutes!!!



    Regarding a previous email, I don't know of anything Monique Parent or Amber Newman has done in the area of hardcore.  Ain't no expert, though. (from BRAINSCAN)



    Other crap


    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    'Caps and comments by Hankster:

    Today a short trip back to 1999 and a visit to "Kate's Addiction".

    This one stars Kari Wuhrer and Farrah Forke (from "Wings"). In this one Kari has the hots for Farrah her former college roommate.

    First we see some cleavage from the lovely Kari and finally some hard to see boob in the bathtub.

    Then on to the lesbian love scene as Kari seduces Farrah and Farrah is seen kissing Kari's boob.Then Farrah with some maybe see thru boob and after it's over we get a clearer look at Farrah's left boob.

    • Kari Wuhrer (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
    • Farrah Forke (1, 2, 3, 4)
    • Kari Wuhrer and Farrah Forke (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Angelica Bridges
    Pam Anderson

    Stuffed into some small white bikinis in these scans from the FHM salute to the upcoming "Baywatch" movie.

    Heather Graham Heather's fantastic topless scene from "Killing Me Softly".

    Gwyneth Paltrow A few upskirts and her stunt butt in a thong in scenes from "Shallow Hal".

    Rebecca Romijn-Stamos
    Rie Rasmussen

    From the Brian De Palma movie "Femme Fatale". Romijn-Stamos is a godess in black undies, and Rasmussen shows a bit of nipple underneath her snake outfit.

    Nicholl Hiren
    Tiffany Paige

    From the movie "The Duplicate" aka "Deuces". Both ladies are topless and Paige also shows a great thong view.

    'Caps and additional comments by Dann.

    A gateway to a parallel world opens, and in pops the evil, nasty duplicate of a young, straight-arrow female reporter, and the nice-guy duplicate of a bank robber-murderer. You see, in the parallel world, everyone is the exact opposite personality of their personality on this world.

    Sci-Fi buffs will love this story; it has some cool twists and is well done. Unfortunately, the acting isn't; it's lame and stiff and almost ruins the movie. In addition, the film quality (if they even used film ) is pretty bad.

    Because of these things, this movie is pretty much for Sci-Fi buffs only, who can probably forgive the acting and film quality because of the story.

    Luisa Corna
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

    Nero did an amazing job scanning the Italian model/actress' 2003 calendar. Beautiful breast exposure in almost every image, plus a great rear view in #7.

    Claire Forlani Partial side breast view behind her barely strapped on breast plate. Thanks to C2000.

    Aimee Sweet A new collage by Finn of the adult model and softcore actress posing topless and wearin lingerie.

    Elisabeth Shue A hint of nipple as a boob sorta pops out of her top in scenes from the straight-to-video movie, "Blind Justice" (1994). 'Caps by Don Juan.

    Xenia Seeberg Xenia and a couple of unknowns show some skin in a shower scene from the sci-fi series "Lexx". Seeberg shows breasts and bum, and there are a few stray boobs from the others.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    They Should've Called It "Survivor" - The reality TV fad shows no signs of abating. Upcoming contenders include an American version of a show called "Britain's Worst Driver." In it, eight of the country's worst drivers compete in a series of driving challenges, and the one who shows the most improvement wins a new car.

  • Plus $1 million, to pay the first year's insurance.
  • The one who shows the least improvement wins a bus pass.
  • The British drivers never did improve: they still drive on the wrong side of the road.
  • If they're looking for the worst driver in America, this show will have to run for years.

    "How To Be Gay" - The Bravo arts channel is even getting into the act with a makeover show called "The Queer Eye for the Straight Eye." It will show five gay fashion gurus trying to teach straight men the arts of grooming, fashion, interior design, etiquette and culture.

  • And then they can fool dumb women into thinking they're millionaires!
  • Wives have tried to do this for hundreds of years, with no success.
  • Then the straight guys will try to teach the gay guys the rules of hockey.

    LITTLE Girls? - Frenchie Davis, the plus-size diva with the Aretha Franklin voice who was a favorite on "American Idol," has been dropped from the competition. revealed that four years ago, she'd posed topless on a website called "Daddy's Little Girls," which purports to feature naked underage girls (she was over 18 at the time). Nikki from last year had worked as a stripper, but Fox decided that appearing on an Internet porn site that caters to guys with fantasies about young girls was worse. Angry fans are starting petitions demanding Frenchie's return.

  • Or failing that, more topless shots.
  • She obviously had the best pair of lungs.
  • If she can't return to "American Idol," maybe she could get a gig modeling lingerie for Lane Bryant.
  • "American Idol" would never cater to guys who like to drool over young girls!
  • Girls who appear naked in public could never hope to become the next Christina Aguilera.

    Why Men Shouldn't Hire Sean Penn - Liz Hurley's ex-lover, movie producer Steve Bing, is suing Sean Penn for $15 million for alleged attempted extortion. Bing claims that Penn demanded $10 million for not getting the lead in a new movie called "Why Men Shouldn't Marry," even though they never had a signed deal. He further alleges that Penn said if he wasn't paid, he'd claim he was denied the role because of his anti-war politics and trip to Iraq, and that Penn's agent "menacingly" warned him that Penn was "crazy and irrational" and couldn't be controlled.

  • So Sean Penn is suing his agent.
  • This story is ridiculous! Bing's claiming a Hollywood agent told the TRUTH?!
  • In Hollywood, being crazy, irrational and uncontrollable are not valid reasons to reject someone for a job.