The Chumscrubber (2005)

There's no nudity, but Tuna did Carrie-Anne Moss today, and Carrie-Anne looks great in this film in her bikini, and she does a brief "topless" scene, albeit out of focus and sans nipple, so ...

When you line up Glenn Close and Ralph Fiennes for your leads, you convey that you plan to offer serious and important themes, and there is some of that in The Chumscrubber, but it is delivered with a dark comic "indie" eccentricity. Actually, it's not really a dark comedy, but a dark dramedy with a bit of magical realism, as if American Beauty had been spiced with a heavy dash of Donnie Darko and just a soupcon of Like Water for Chocolate. In other words, this is quite an odd movie.

A teen (Dean) discovers that his best friend has hanged himself, but he doesn't bother telling any of the parents gathered for a party at the best friend's house. Why not? Each of the suburban adults is obsessively following some narrow solipsistic path to happiness: self-help books, New Age mysticism, the perfect wedding, drugs, vitamins, video games, whatever. Dean felt that they just wouldn't want to hear about a dead kid at their party. Dean's dad is a pop psychologist who finds his son's behavior odd, but also sees in it some possible inspiration for his next book. Dean has worse problems than his dad. The dead best friend was the school drug dealer, and since he's dead, the local thuggies want the stash, and Dean has to get it for them since Dean can walk in and out of the dead guy's house without attracting any suspicion. Dean refuses to co-operate, so the thugs devise a plan to force Dean to retrieve the drug motherlode. They kidnap Dean's brother - except they get the wrong kid. And the kidnapped kid's real mother is too busy planning her home wedding to notice that her son is missing. Meanwhile, the dead guy's mother lives next door to the bride-to-be, and is planning a memorial for him in her own house, in direct conflict with her neighbor's wedding. Not only does this force their neighbors to choose which event to attend (and which wardrobe to wear), but it also creates a suburban parking crisis.

The real (and surreal) action is played out against an undercurrent of a fictional character called The Chumscrubber. In the movie's alternate universe, the Chumscrubber seems to be the most famous fictional character - he's everywhere - in books, posters, comics, video games, movies, etc. He's an icon with the ubiquitous status of Vito Corleone or Rocky, but he's one odd duck. He lives in a post-apocalyptic landscape and his head is not attached to his shoulders, so he carries it around. Presumably the Chumscrubber cartoons have some metaphorical connection to the live action, but frankly I'm not too sure what the hell it is.

This film had some good word-of-mouth coming off the festival circuit, and still has its ardent defenders. Its three most common scores at IMDb are 10, 8, and 9, in that order, indicated that it found a cult audience. One or two critics hailed it as a masterpiece. The Christian Science Monitor said, "Acutely intelligent, and strikingly tough-minded, this pitch-dark dramatic comedy recalls David Lynch and "Donnie Darko" while remaining fresh and original to its core. A stunning directorial debut."

It turned out, however, to be one of those films made for festival audiences, with no mass-market faction to support it. Critics generally found it insufferably smug and self-conscious (33% positive reviews), and one summed it up as, "A movie that wants to be daring but ends up feeling prefabricated." Distributors had no confidence in it, and it maxed out at 28 theaters. Audiences didn't care for it much either. It even did poorly in those 28 theaters, pulling in about $1000 per screen on opening weekend. (That's about ten people per screening.)

I guess I'm one of the few that enjoyed it. I like it when these young filmmakers just go for it and grasp for the stars. Donny Darko ... Magnolia ... Chumscrubber ... let it all hang out: giant rabbits, frog rain, mystical dolphins ... whatever! If it doesn't always make sense, and if it doesn't always get the expected reaction from the audience, at least it tried to scale the ladder to heaven instead of walking safely under it. For my money, this film had some misses, but it had more hits.


Carrie-Anne Moss


BloodRayne (2006)

This movie may suck, but I have to admit this scene is kinda hot when you see it in motion. (Zipped .wmv) Coulda used a few light bulbs, however.



Other Crap:

The Daily Show's senior calypsologist, Rob Corddry, analyzes Harry Belafonte's political principles

Daily Show: The Democrats are staging a fret-a-buster against Supreme Court nominee Sam Alito.

Conan O'Brien's quotables for the first week of January

  • "Donald Trump is reportedly considering running for President in 2008. Trump said he'll choose a running mate and then dump her for a younger, hotter running mate."
  • "The election in Iraq was three weeks ago, and officials are saying it's going to be another two weeks before they announce who won. The odd part is, the winner will be announced by Ryan Seacrest."
  • "Star Jones was recently photographed sunbathing on the beach in a bikini, reading a self-help book. The self-help book is called 'Star Jones - Don't Wear a Bikini.'"
  • "According to MSNBC, Tom Cruise spent the holidays with Katie Holmes' family, but it didn't go well. Apparently, Katie's Dad told Tom, 'I don't care what you do at your house, but under my roof, you're going to sleep in the same bedroom.'"
  • "The Washington Post reports that Vice President Dick Cheney is limping because he injured his foot. Cheney said, 'If you think my foot looks bad, you should see the old lady I was kicking.'"

The R-rated (bare breasts!) trailer for Don't Come Knockin'

  • Directed by Wim Wenders; written by Wenders and Sam Shepard; starring Shepard and Jessica Lange
  • "During production on his latest movie, an aging cowboy star (Sam Shepard) walks away from the set and heads out on a journey of self-discovery."

The trailer for Beowulf & Grendel

  • An epic tale based on the famous Old English poem, "Beowulf," which inspired Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings". The medieval adventure, part fable, part horror story is loosely based on the 9th century Anglo-Saxon poem, "Beowulf," telling the blood-soaked tale of a Norse hero's battle with a great and murderous troll.

The trailer for a sci-fi comedy, Alien Autopsy

Angelina Jolie: "Yes, I'm Pregnant. Pitt is the father, not Scoopy."

  • "Angelina Jolie is expecting a baby this summer with Brad Pitt, PEOPLE has confirmed. The pregnancy has since been confirmed by representatives of both stars."

Lindsay Lohan Is Not Pregnant

  • "Lindsay Lohan has been released from the hospital and is back in her home in New York. Her publicist insists the pregnancy kit was for another friend and Lindsay is not pregnant."
  • She had a friend buy and bring her a pregnancy kit in the hospital - for a different friend? OK. There's a good gift exchange. It's Secret Santa for chicks.
  • What she should have said: "I can't be pregnant. I'm careful. I only take it in the butt."

ALITO SAYS HE HAS NO AGENDA BOOK ... Senate Democrats Skeptical of Judge's Latest Claim

Scarlett Johansson does not want you to look at this picture.

Alleged screen caps from the Colin Farrell sex tape

"A website attempting to sell access to a sex video of actor Colin Farrell has been shut down"

Chinese ban on Wikipedia prevents research, users say

Interactive computers used in British schools to teach children to read are harming rather than helping their learning

  • I'm shocked, shocked to hear that they have computers in Britain!

Alleged Colin Farrell Sex Tape with Nicole Narain

2006 preview from 20th Century Fox!



Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.




Reform School Girl (1994)

Reform School Girl (1994) is one of a series of cable remakes of WIP films from the 50s. As a genre lover, I appreciate their effort. It is a usual story. An innocent girl is sent to reform school, and learns to survive there. She also learns that the system sucks, with falls right in with my 60s hatred of the establishment. Aimee Graham is a passenger in a stolen car when the punk driving it hits a pedestrian. He runs, she is busted, and won't reveal his identity. In truth, she is not that unhappy to escape home, and the advances from her lecherous uncle. She becomes worried that the uncle will simply start on her much younger sister.

She makes friends inside, and, when the warden discovers she can run, is paced on the track team, the warden's pet project. She also has a lesbian relationship with the meanest of all the girls. In the end, she must decide between self-respect, and doing what the warden wants to gain an early release.

Aimee Graham shows breasts in a pretty hot lesbian scene. An unidentified girl shows breasts in a car, and several unidentified women show breasts, buns and/or bush in the requisite shower scene.

IMDb readers say 4.1. Remaking WIP films, especially ones so old that they shied away from violence and nudity, is a great idea for my money. The execution here was seriously flawed, as the film came across more like an afternoon special designed to encourage kids to have self respect. It completely lacked edge. This is a C-, and only barely. Even as a genre lover, I only found it marginally tolerable. The early scenes did a very nice job of recreating the 1950s look and feel, and there were some bright spots, such as the reform school commie hating home economics teacher conducting duck and cover drills, but, for the most part, simply was not compelling.


Aimee Graham


The Soft Kill (1994)

The Soft Kill (1994) is a mystery. A former police detective turned private eye, also a big ladies man, leaves a woman's bed when her husband comes home. A few minutes later, she is dead, and he is a prime suspect for everyone except his former partner. Not only that, but she was married to an asshole DA. Along the way, the body count rises, and it is only his ex-partner who keeps him out of jail. Unfortunately, it is not difficult to guess who is behind it all.

The film, as released, contains 3 Bs from Kim Morgan Greene as the first murder victim and breasts from Carrie-Anne Moss as her sister, and eventual love interest in the film. The DVD includes a hard-core sex scene between the main character and someone credited as Judith Zeihn, This scene, designed to show him as a sexaholic, is shot from a distance, and is a little dark, but appears to be the real deal, and is headboard-banging, all-out sex.

IMDb readers say 4.4.

I thought the story had promise, but was clumsily handled. The ingredients were all there for a good whodunnit, but they telegraphed the ending with a very clumsy scene where the partner has a place in his apartment that is off limits, and red herring clues, such as a cigarette lighter, just weren't presented well enough to cause the intended misdirection, especially as we knew from the beginning that he main character was not the murderer. All of this may have been the fault of editing, although I suspect not. This is a C-, but could have ended up a much better mystery.



Carrie-Anne Moss
Judith Ziehn
Kim Morgan Greene





Alexa Rae in "Best Sex Ever"






First thing for today is a cleaned-up scan, taken from a UK tabloid.  It shows a gal named Donatella
Panaytoyiou, who according to the text of the article does something on the telly.  Okay, that's for public

It would not be a day in the Funhouse without a picture or two of Nell McAndrew nekkid.  I vaguely recall she did something once upon a time but whatever it was I am just sure it was worth it.  My feeling is that so long as she is willing to run around in her birthday suit it would be rude, just rude, to ignore her. 

And then there are a couple of gals that Tuna did such a great job with I couldn't help playing with the
images.  One is the uber-cutie, Alexis Dziena in Broken Flowers ...

... and the other is former Hefmate Jennifer Walcott in Band Camp.  Not gonna say a word about the tragic nature of her boob job.  Nope, not a single word.











Today we take the old Time Machine back to 1994 for another "Really Bad Movie" with nudity. This one is about a guy making a porno movie called "Hollywood Dreams". Debra K. Beatty shows it all and you gotta love the "buck naked by the swimming pool" scene.

Kelly Jaye - a cute little blonde topless. Blink and you will miss a hint of bush.

Kathy Passmore gives up the hooters.









Mariah Carey filling out a bikini
Marisa Ramirez nude and painted in All Soul's Day
Jenny McShane in Keep Your Distance
Mr Skin picked up a good angle which I missed of Michelle Borth in Rampage


Pat's comments in yellow...

Scientists at Ohio State University report that our faces
are shrinking.  A study of people's appearance over 10,000 years found that our ancestors' faces and heads were up to 30 percent bigger than ours.  They blame the shrinkage on a switch to softer foods so that jawbones, skulls and teeth don't have to be as strong.  They say the face shrinkage is to blame for a rise in dental problems caused by crooked or overlapping teeth.

*  Jay Leno must be an evolutionary throwback.

*  For some reason, all the face that everyone else is losing, Ted Kennedy is gaining.

Residents in the small town of Karlovac,  Croatia, were shocked when they woke up to discover that someone had built a snow sculpture of a 17-foot penis in the town square.  Local college students admitted doing it, saying they "just wanted to make a slightly different kind of  snowman."  The police decided to laugh it off and let it melt naturally.

*  Women know that if you laugh at penises, they melt pretty quickly.

Notoriously nasty designer Mr. Blackwell issued his 46th Annual Worst-Dressed Women List.  Counting down from #10, they are Renee Zellweger ("looks like a painted pumpkin on a pogo stick"), Lindsay Lohan, Shakira, Anna Nicole Smith ("Queen Kong"), Paris Hilton ("Hot? I think not!"), Mariah Carey ("The world applauds your musical emancipation, but please leave that body to our imagination"), Eva Longoria ("garish taste"), Jessica Simpson ("a cut-rate Rapunzel, slingin' hash in a Vegas diner"), Mary-Kate Olsen ("Bag Lady rags that look depressingly decayed"), and rising from #7 last year to #1, Britney Spears.  Mr. Blackwell called her a "tacky terror' who went "from the Princess of Pop to the ultimate Fashion Flop."

*  He doesn't like Eva Longoria's skimpy outfits?  You know, I'm beginning to suspect Mr. Blackwell might be gay.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger could face a $250 fine after his Harley crash
because it turns out he never applied for a motorcycle license.  He said, "It
was just one of those things that I never really did"

* Like taking motorcycle riding lessons. 

         ... Or acting lessons.