Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

Alexander (2004)



This is a biopic about Alexander the Great, or simply Big Al, as history remembers him. I am writing this several months after Alexander's theatrical release, upon the release of the two DVD versions (theatrical and director's cut). By this time the story of Alexander the movie is known almost as well as the story of Alexander the conqueror. It was a mega-bomb of astronomical proportions.

  • Made for $155 million, it grossed $34 million.
  • American critics scorned it, British critics found it unworthy of their scorn, and ridiculed it instead.

This movie is just jaw-droppingly bad in so many ways that it should be used as the screening criteria in film criticism societies. Any critics who gave this a good review should be called in front of their peers and have their pencil broken over their editor's knee, as pictured in that opening scene in "Branded."

That was the deal-breaker, the one element which secures the film's place as bad cinema in a serious conversation. On the other hand, who cares about serious conversations? There are other, more entertaining elements which place it in the realm of so-bad-it's-almost-good.

  • The accents are astounding. Colin Farrell chose to play Alexander with his natural Irish accent. Jared Leto, who does not normally have an Irish accent, decided to adopt one since that seemed to be the official way to represent ancient Macedonians. Others in the cast followed suit. Angelina Jolie speaks with an accent very similar to Natasha Fatale on Bullwinkle, except with just a hint of Bela Lugosi as Dracula.
  • The film is 176 minutes long. If you prefer, you can get Oliver Stone's 167 minute "director's cut." Most film versions bearing that particular appellation are longer than the theatrical cut, but Stone felt the film was better shorter. I'm sure he was right, but this raises the question of why, if Stone now likes the film better nine minutes shorter, he just didn't cut it that way in the first place. Did the MPAA pressure him to put scenes in? (Technically, he has taken out about eighteen minutes of the theatrical footage and added in some ten minutes of alternate footage, if you really care about such minutiae.) There is a full-length commentary on the DVD, and that may answer the question, but I am not about to watch this movie a third time to find out. The supreme irony of the film is that Alexander himself died so young that he would not have had time to watch this movie. OK, I admit the film is not actually longer than his life, but it seems to be.
  • The sets are sometimes downright ludicrous.  As Movie Juice pointed out: "Anthony Hopkins wanders about his terrace as minions water scores of obviously plastic plants amidst a selection of statues that look barely authentic enough to stand in your local Chucky Cheese." Actually, it looked like he was standing in my local garden center, shopping for statues. Worse than that, ol' Hannibal Lecter is supposed to be playing Ptolemy I, and he has a beautiful garden palace overlooking the Alexandria harbor, with a great view of the famous lighthouse. One problem with that is that film shows the lighthouse burning a fire on a sunny day. (It did use the fire at night, but was illuminated with mirrors in sunlight.) The far greater problem is that Ptolemy is looking out over a scene which could only have been seen after his death. Ptolemy conceived the lighthouse, but it was not completed and functioning until the reign of his son, Ptolemy II, who dedicated it as a memorial to his parents. The film therefore pictures Ptolemy looking out over his own memorial. And it sure doesn't look all that spiffy for a newly-built (or not-yet-built) monument which was said to be covered in white marble. As shown here it looks like a grungy brown factory from Dickensian London.
  • There is no real sense of dialogue, just stagy speechifying. People wait politely for a monologue to finish, then start their own.

I could go on to mention the obvious problems, but why bother. Everybody has noted that Big Al's mom is the same age as he, and looks younger. Everyone has already noted that Alexander is a whiny talk-too-much bitch. Why did they need macho Colin Farrell for the role? As it is written here, Paul Giamatti would have been better, or better yet Andy Dick, who already has the right hairstyle.

Are there positives? Yes, there were a few things I liked.

  • The opening credits are beautiful and elegant.
  • The musical score by Vangelis is appropriate for the epic scope of the story.
  • Val Kilmer brought some weight to the role of Philip of Macedon, Big Al's dad. (In more ways than one. He gained fifty pounds.)
  • The aerial shots of the battle scenes are spectacular and useful, in that we are able to see the strategies employed by massive armies moving into their various formations.
  • Some of the other battle footage is impressive, especially the parts with exotic animals in combat.
  • The march into Babylon looks kind of impressive in a Roger Rabbit, "humans performing in front of cartoon backdrops" kind of way.

If you really love the big epics, it is probably worth your while to rent the Alexander DVD. The blessing of the DVD format is that you'll be able to see all of those spectacular visuals and fast-forward through everything else.

Rosario Dawson


Words and pictures from Hankster.    

Having done "Death Wish 2" (yesterday) we decided to grab some Caps from "Death Wish" (the original) and "Death  Wish 3".   This of course has to lead to some more "Damsels in Distress".   
First up from "Death Wish" we have Kathleen Tolan showing boobs & butt as she is grabbed by the ever-present punks in these movies.

Moving on to "Death Wish 3" we have Marina Sirtis kidnapped off the streets and having her tits exposed and groped before being dragged off to a warehouse where she is raped ...

... and then Sandy Grizzle is grabbed on the street by the baddies and has her robo-hooters exposed

Breakin' Em In 3

Words and pictures from Unnamed Guy

Here are some vidcaps of Aylar Dianati Lie, the Norwegian beauty queen (of Iranian parentage) who did a few porno movies in the U.S.  The movie is called Breakin' Em In 3.  She does three guys.  And no one called me.

The Crimson Ghost

Pics of Carrie Westcott from the series "Erotic Confessions"

Seņor Piel

  The Pompatus of Love (1996)
Kristin Scott Thomas


Jessica Liedberg in Tillsammens (2000)
Check yesterday's page to see a film clip of this scene as well as to see a film clip and collages of Anja Lundkvist in Tillsammens (2000)


Hunter Tylo in They Are Among Us (no nudity)
Maria Ford in Deathstalker 4
Nancy Everhard in Bloody Mary (no nudity)
Jenna Bodnar in The Affair (Last one with Kathleen Scott)
Kathleen Scott in The Affair
Raelyn Saalman in The Affair


A classic nip-slip from Lynn Collins at the Merchant of Venice premiere in November of 2004

Pat Reeder - The Comedy Wire

Pat's Comments in yellow:

Baltimore Orioles slugger Rafael Palmeiro, who adamantly testified to Congress that "I have never used steroids, period," was suspended for ten days Monday for failing a urine test.  He insisted, "I have never intentionally used a banned substance," but couldn't explain how he failed the test, other than to say, "I unfortunately wasn't careful enough."

*  He'll never kiss Arnold Schwarzenegger on the lips again.
*  How could he have ingested a big load of steroids?...I'm thinking, "Ballpark Franks!"
*  It takes a big man to admit he lied about taking steroids...A big, bulky man.

England's national teachers' union rejected a proposal to replace the grade of "failure" with "deferred success."  Proponents said just as we applaud marathon runners who persevere and take days to complete a race, we should replace the word "fail" with "please do a bit more."  But other teachers called it "ridiculous," and the Education Secretary said she graded the idea a zero out of ten.

*  Proponents immediately went out to celebrate their deferred success.

Robbin Doolin of Grandview, Missouri, astonished other drivers on Highway 71 Friday morning, when she fell out of her fast-moving
car, hopped up, and started chasing it as it kept on going down an embankment toward a construction site.  Police said it's not prudent to open your car door on the highway when you're not wearing a seat belt.  Doolin was embarrassed, and explained, "I leaned out to spit, and I leaned too far."

*  That's the #1 cause of car wrecks in Missouri.

Britain's Advertising Standards Authority ordered alcoholic beverage makers to use uglier men in their ads.  Citing an ad in which three hot women come on to a slim, young man who's drinking Lambrini sparkling wine, officials said it implied a link between drinking and sexual or social success.  To remove it, they suggested the handsome young man be replaced with someone "clearly unattractive... overweight,
middle-aged, balding, etc."

*  All right!  I'm moving to England to be a male model!

The UK magazine Top Sante surveyed women, average age 38, and found that 80 percent think our culture of surgically-enhanced,
airbrushed celebrities has made men's expectations too high and reversed the trend of prizing women's intellects.  Half think they would go farther at work if they were prettier, 46 percent would change careers if they had a better body, and 12 percent would change partners.  Most said they looked their best at 31, after which it was "downhill all the way."  And they are terrified of looking old: 58 percent are jealous of women their age who look younger; 42 percent are jealous of good-looking women friends; and 36 percent envy all younger women.

*  Except those who weigh more than they do.
*  Who knew most women's dream job was to work at Hooter's?
*  This is why 60 percent of medical students are going into plastic surgery.
*  If they had a better body, they could get a partner who's less shallow...Also younger, and better-looking.

Saturday, history was made at the South End Rowing Club's 10th annual Alcatraz Invitational, a swim race from Alcatraz Island to the
San Francisco shore.  For the first time, a dog competed.  Jake, a golden retriever, swam 1.2 miles through cold, rough waters in 41 minutes, 45 seconds, coming in 72nd out of 500 swimmers.  His owner Jeff Pokonosky said he was amazed at Jake's focus, and he tried to slow him down and couldn't.  His secret: he always eats scrambled eggs before a swim.

*  His owner stood on Alcatraz Island and threw a stick all the way to the shore.

Britain's first professor of pop music, Sheila Whiteley of the University of Salford, will supervise a Ph.D dissertation on air guitar. Amanda Griffiths of Wales will spend nearly $18,000 (US) and three years on a 60,000-word study on why men are more likely to play invisible guitars than women, and why women who do so play it differently.  She plans to base it on the philosophical arguments of French post-structural theorists such as Michel Foucault and Marxists such as Roland Barthes.  Whiteley is also overseeing an academic study of moshing, the dance in which people jump up and down and shake their heads violently.

*  Like Prof. Whiteley did before okaying this Ph.D study.
*  I assumed most women don't play air guitar because they know a stupid waste of time when they see one...Not Amanda, though.

Sean Connery can still get $20 million a movie, but he hasn't made one in three years, and he told a New Zealand newspaper that he has effectively retired.  Connery rejected the role of Gandalf in "Lord of the Rings," saying he read the book and script and saw the movie, and "I still don't understand it."  He said, "I'm fed up with the idiots...the ever-widening gap between people who know how to make movies and the people who green-light the movies."  He said it would take "a Mafia-like offer I couldn't refuse" to make him do another movie.

*  He didn't understand "Lord of the Rings," but "Zardoz" he got?!

Hollywood icon Lauren Bacall slammed Tom Cruise in a Time magazine interview, calling his recent public antics "shocking," and saying, "It's inappropriate and vulgar and absolutely unacceptable to use your private life to sell anything commercially, but I think it's kind of a
sickness."  She added, "The word 'great' stands for something.  When you talk about a great actor, you're not talking about Tom Cruise."

*  He's a short guy who plays himself in every movie, not a great actor like Humphrey Bogart.

A controversial new biography of Jimi Hendrix claims that Jimi got out of  going to Vietnam with the 101st Airborne by pretending to be gay

* So the song really DOES go, "'Scuse me, while I kiss this guy!"

 The News of the World tabloid claims that Jude Law is trying to win back furious ex-fiancee Sienna Miller by begging her to have his baby to prove his commitment to her

* He doesn't want another baby, he just wants to hire another nanny.

Movie Reviews


Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.


  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


Other Crap

Everyone on board survives a plane crash and fire in Toronto

Play Station Portable to add a web browser

The 21 Rules of Wedding Crashing

Do you have a dad or uncle who refers to the commode as "the throne"? Boy, do we have a gift idea for you.

An oldie but goodie: Why I Will Never Have A Girlfriend by the ... {cough} ... "German Research Center for Artificial Intelligence"

Fergie pees herself at Street Scene

Surprising death on 'Six Feet Under'. Note: The story contains spoiler information. If you'd rather not know what happened on Sunday's 'Six Feet Under,' don't read.

"Jiburiru -The Devil Angel" This looks like a XXX version of Speed Racer. Submitter wrote: "No matter how weird or perverted you think you are, the Japanese are always there to raise the bar. You have to check out the hard core animated trailer."

The first commercial for Hillary '08. It's an animated ad from an independent group supporting the former first lady. According to the head of HillaryNow.com, the ads cost just $264 to run overnight on CNN Headline News for three days in New Hampshire's major cities (story: here)

Man caught hiding his marijuana near the police station on his way to court.

Michael Bay, welcome to the Michael Cimino club. 'The Island' Could Bankrupt DreamWorks

No need for a phone book - Kim Jong-Il has everyone's number memorized! No, really!!! Of course, North Korea only has nine phones, and they all have one-digit numbers, but still ...

On Pitt's recently dyed blond hair, Aniston says, 'Billy Idol called -- he wants his look back.'

The Smoking Gun has the graphic details of those Florida stripper busts. The police reports are great reading!

This week's limited releases: 2046 - 88% positive reviews. "2046 is a visually seductive reverie of memory and regret, refracted through a serial womanizer's experiences with six women." In Mandarin, with subtitles.

This week's limited releases: Junebug - 88% positive reviews. Tale of North Carolina boy bringing home his new smart-ass Yankee wife to meet the usual assortment of Southern Gothic eccentrics in his family.

This week's limited releases: Broken Flowers - 92% positive reviews. Bill Murray continues to pursue his new career as the Arthouse Sad Sack in the new Jim Jarmusch film.

This week's only new wide release movie: The Dukes of Hazzard - 50% positive reviews, but based on only four reviews. And one of the "good" reviews said it was big, loud, and dumb! (The four reviews are actually three mediocre reviews and one flat-out zero-star pan.)

The Weekend Warrior makes his predictions. Bottom line: he feels that it will be another feeble weekend despite a moderately strong opening by The Dukes of Hazzard. He predicts that the penguins will march up from 10th to 7th based on a doubling of their theater count.

Weekly World News: "VICE PRESIDENT WAS THE BOSS EVEN AS A KID ... LITTLE DICK CHENEY ... Tot even rigged his class elections!" (With incredibly realistic pic of Cheney as a child!)

The full trailer for The Legend of Zorro is now online

Nostalgia: Windows 1.01 screenshots. Check out his menu for a bunch of other computer classics.

H&R Block restates earnings because they filed incorrect returns

"The European ministers of Justice and the European Commission want to keep all telephone and internet traffic data of all 450 million Europeans."


Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap


Currently on disability. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is tuna@scoopy.com

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