Another 9 1/2 Weeks (1997) As the film opens, we see a straight razor playing with a nipple. A maid knocks to deliver breakfast, and we see Mickey Rourke toying with a blindfolded blonde, played by Phillipa Mathews. The maid has broken the mood, and Phillipa asks that most romantic of questions, "Will this be cash or credit card?" Yes, the Mickster, after screwing up a promising relationship with Kim Basinger in the original film by pushing her too far past her comfort level in BDSM, is still madly in love with her. In a case of art imitating life, he has now become an aging, pathetic, whining looser whose life is behind him.

After a quick round of solitaire Russian Roulette, he heads off to Paris, where he buys a bunch of paintings at auction that were owned by Kim Basinger. Then he meets Angie Everhart, who is wearing a scarf that he gave to Kim Basinger. Small problem here. The scarf was a major plot point in the first film, as it was his first gift to her, and it was a very loud and elaborate print. The scarf, like the plot of this sequel, morphed into boring monotone monotony. The script isn't even classy enough to line the bottom of a bird cage

Everhart was Basinger's friend, and wants a piece of the old Mickster. When she is not lusting after morose has-beens, she is half of a partnership in a fashion agency. She also has a sexy assistant, played by Agatha De La Fontaine, who seems to exist in the film to show breasts during one of the most boring spots. Everhart nearly gives the aging Mickster an emotional erection, but not quite.

Depending on your taste, the original 9 1/2 Weeks was either one of the better soft core films, or a fascinating examination of the exchange of power in sexual relationships. Either way, the sex in the alley in the rain scene, the food sex in front of the fridge, and the blindfold and ice cube scene belong in the top 10% of sex on film. While not explicit, they sizzle. This sequel generates no such heat, and explores no ground whatsoever. It is rather obviously an attempt to milk a little more money out of fans of the original.

Everhart, Mathews, De La Fontaine and a few unknowns show breasts and buns, mostly in darkly lit scenes further obscured with excessive cross-fades. IMDb readers were not fooled, and have this at 1.9. This is marginally technically competent, hence the lowest score I can award is D-, but I want the hour and a half of my life back.

With or Without You (1999):

Michael Winterbottom has shown himself to be a director of substance who is not afraid to take on significant challenges like a couple of Thomas Hardy adaptations. Given that, one must ascribe his decision to create this insipid and unchallenging romantic comedy to a mysterious malady, like some kind of high fever which affected the clarity of this thinking.

Complete spoilers ahead:

Christopher Eccleston and Dervla Kirwan play a young Irish couple who are unable to have a baby. Their inability to come up with a solution to the woman's ticking biological clock leads them into a difficult point in their marriage. Just at this same time, the woman's old French pen pal shows up on their doorstep, and the man's lusty ex-girlfriend decides to make a play to get him back. The two principals split up and have sex with their alternate choices. They then have a passionate reconciliation. Ultimately, they overcome their physical problems and have that baby they always wanted.

Yes, it really is that formulaic. I know it is difficult to believe that a Winterbottom film could be based on such a lightweight and shopworn script, but it is true.

I suppose it could have been partially redeemed by some uniquely Irish ambiance, which is probably why the DVD box features a big green shamrock and quotes a review calling the movie "irresistibly Irish." That quote, however, is a lot o' malarkey, because this story could take place in Sydney or Buffalo or Manchester or Glasgow or Toronto without changing one blessed thing except the accents. It is a completely generic plot with generic characters in generic settings. The most Irish thing about it is that it was named after a U2 song which also gets worked into the film.

There's really nothing special in the film to redeem it except a substantial amount of sex and nudity, but the film is not incompetent, by any means. A lot of top people worked on this project. The direction and acting are completely solid, and the cinematography sometimes approaches brilliance. Unfortunately, the script is just a drag and the film is neither romantic nor comedic, all of which presumably explains how a Michael Winterbottom film somehow managed to go straight to video.

• Dervla Kirwan (1, 2, 3, 4)
• Julie Graham (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

Actress Apocalypse (2005):

Actress Apocalypse is a backyard-quality mockumentary about some people making a backyard-quality film. The filmmaking problems portrayed in this film are supposed to be reflective of the actual problems encountered in the making of a companion film, I Am Vengeance.

We are supposed to be watching the process of making a no budget horror film called "Clearwater Canyon." The director of that film is a self-important buffoon, his brother is a druggie who wants to be the casting director just so he can try out the whole casting couch scene. The boom man is a flaming gay guy who failed in the acting auditions, but really wanted to be part of the show. He is known only as "The Golden Terror." All of them seem to have escaped from a lunatic asylum.

Spoilers

As the pseudo filmmakers audition their cast, they end up killing a couple of actresses by accident.

End Spoilers

If you have a vast quantity of drugs set aside for a special occasion, you might consider breaking them out for a screening of this film, which has all the production value of a home movie without any of the competence. It reminded me of the "underground" films I used to see in Greenwich Village back in the 1960s. The careers of the "actors" seem to consist of either (1) this movie only; or (2) this movie and the companion film by the same director. The general sense of amateurishness is further exaggerated by colored filters, quick edits, fish-eye lens effects, deliberately blurred focus, loud heavy metal music, and other sorts of late-60s, half-mad half-psychedelic kitsch.

To be fair, it is probably not fair of me to point out how bad the film is since it is undoubtedly meant to be as bad as possible. You see, it is not only an accurate portrayal of some crazy guys making a very poor film, but the truly inside joke is that it is also supposed to be a bad documentary about making a bad film. As one character says to the camera, "The director doesn't realize that the documentary is not about the making of the film. The documentary IS the film."

Whatever. The fact that it the incompetence is intentional doesn't keep it from grating on one's nerves after a few minutes.

Imagine, if you will, a bunch of 15 year olds hanging out at somebody's house with mom and dad out of town, taking some LSD, then deciding to make an impromptu movie without a script. The picture in your mind is very similar to this movie.

Except a lot better.

The film does have one major plus for an exploitation flick - a vast quantity of nudity from three women with great bodies. There is plenty of nudity in the film, and even more in the deleted scenes. In fact, a lot of work went into the preparation of the DVD. There is one whole discrete CD of the music from the soundtrack, and there's approximately two hours of additional filmed footage in the extra features. Strung together, the bonus footage would be longer than the actual movie. The extra features include:

• 75 minutes worth of deleted scenes and outtakes
• 30 minutes worth of behind the scenes moments and interviews
• Some longer versions of the "lesbian shower scene" and the "stripper footage."

In other words, there is a grand total of some three and a half hours of this insanity. Is that better than sixty minutes of it? Well ... debatable. Maybe not. Maybe if you were to edit all this footage down to the best sixty minutes, it might be sort of ...

... nah, what was I thinking?

• Kenzie Lovelay (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
• Lily Walker (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
• Kerri Bonich (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Other Crap:

• Andy Rooney speaks eloquently about Memorial Day
• Roger Ebert answers his mail about the Sith.
• A 7-foot-8 Chinese basketball player hopes to be picked in the NBA draft next month. (He would be the tallest man ever to play in the NBA. To put it into perspective, Bill Russell is nine inches taller than I am; this guy is nine inches taller than Bill Russell.)
• National Association for the Deaf disappointed with "American Idol" Captioning Mistakes.
  • Why, these mistakes have actually led some of the deaf to vote for the wrong singer!
• Pilgrims See Jesus' Face In Fort Worth Apartment Window Stains.. (With video.) People are already ascribing miracles to the stains. A priest set up a makeshift altar and said Mass in front of the apartment window.
• ... my grandfather's girls .... Naughty old pictures, and a great website design.
• "Jessica Alba in Complex Magazine"
• The trailer for Happy Endings
  • "Mamie is being blackmailed. This filmmaker named Nick claims to know Mamie's son - the one she gave up for adoption - but Nick won't introduce her to him unless he can film the reunion. Enter Javier, Mamie's massage therapist boyfriend, who convinces Nick to film him instead. Now they're all making a movie about massage. And 'happy endings'... Charley has a longtime boyfriend named Gil. Their best friends, Pam and Diane, once tried using Gil as a sperm donor. They said his sperm didn't take, but Charley thinks those selfish, control-freak lesbians are lying. Pam and Diane's two-year-old son looks exactly like Gil. And it's time to set the record straight... Jude is pissed. Not at anyone in particular. Just in general. When her cousin kicks her out of the house, Jude shacks up with Otis, who's still trying to convince his father, Frank, that he's straight. Frank's a widower. And he's rich. So Jude decides to sleep with him, too. Really. The last thing she expected was to fall in love ... "
  • All that and Tom Arnold, too.
• Sith climbs back up to #1 on Saturday, Longest Yard falls from #1 to #3. The virtual three-way tie continues.
• Eau de Shatner. "He had a very sort of, a strangely very attractive sort of pungent sort of gamey, sort of a venison or a lamb sausage... and a little bit of rosemary with a touch of ranch dressing.' "
• President Bush honors those who died in the Clone Wars.
• David Schwimmer threatened to storm off stage on the opening night of his London play because he spotted a paparazzo photographing him during a semi-naked scene.
• Stallone's Rambo IV to begin shooting in January. Stallone is in the project as the author as well as the star.
• Madagascar, as reviewed by the one true remaining genius of film criticism, The Filthy Critic

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

.Email Scoopy Jr. if suggestions for future polls.

Here are the results of our previous polls:
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s
Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.
Who has the best bum in Hollywood?
Best All Time Television Comedy
Best Nudity in an Oscar-winning performance
The Top 20 Best Straight Sex Scenes
Best Lesbian Love Scenes

Another batch of assorted video clips (zipped .wmvs) from the Ghost today...

First up, a little bit of skin from "Radical Jack", the direct-to-vid flick starring country one-hit-wonder and Mullet King, Billy Ray Cyrus.

• Dedee Pfeiffer, brief breast view as she puts on a shirt.

• Orly Tepper, a lengthy topless in good lighting.

Next up, from the "Red Shoe Diaries" episode "The Written Word"...here is Tommy Chong's other daughter showing off some very lovely toplessess.

• Robbi Chong (1, 2)

"Call Me: The Rise and Fall of Heidi Fleiss" (2004)
Recent DVD release starring Tony Soprano's daughter.

• Jamie-Lynn DiScala: underwear, partial boob, pokies, and even some cameltoe.
• bodydub: Jamie's booby double doing some full face nude shots.
• threesome: the brunette is Emmanuelle Vaugier, the blonde is Natassia Malthe, and the one nude at the end of the bed is Jamie's butt double.
• Lisa Marie Caruk: nice bra and panties.
• Missy Peregrym: bra and panties.
• pool babes: topless.

"Everyone" (2004)
Small Canadian indie about gay marriage.

• Anna Williams: full frontal.
• Cara McDowell: topless in unemotional sex scene.
• Suzanne Hepburn: pokies, then black brassiere.

"Scandalous Behavior" (2000) aka Singapore Sling
What's really scandalous about this video was it was supposed to be softcore but in the unrated version Shannon Tweed appears to be having unsimulated sex.

• Shannon Tweed: full frontal riding guy's love pole.
• Rena Riffel: boobs, butt and even some bush.

First up today we take the old time machine back to 1972 for some "Hankster Light". Here's what we found...'caps from a cornball flick called "Sweet Georgia". The 2 best things about it are 1)Marsha Jordan's ample boobs, and 2)the fact that she had no problem showing them off here as she had a humpin' good time. This woman was a legend in her day.

• Marsha Jordan (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

Before heading home, we set the controls for even farther in the past, and landed in 1932. Interestingly enough, even back then they had "Babes in Bondage"! Here's a topless unknown tied to the stake in a scene from "The Sign of the Cross", directed by Cecil B. DeMille.

• Unknown (1, 2)

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