Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

Wild Orchid 2: Blue Movie Blue (1992)

I'm about to preach some heresy here, but I kind of like Zalman King's movies. If you don't know who he is, he's the guy who created the adult cable classics Red Shoe Diaries and, and his specific niche is "soft couples erotica," a genre in which he rules supreme.

Of course, maybe you think that erotic entertainments for couples are not worth producing, but I disagree, and I think that these movies are sexy when done right. The screen classic 9 1/2 Weeks, which King wrote, is one of the very favorite movies of many women I know, including one of my ex-wives. Let's acknowledge that women sometimes get in the mood for a sexy movie, and most of us guys want to be around when they get in that mood. Unfortunately, very few filmmakers know how to make erotic movies that turn women on. The film must deliver the kind of material most women find sexy: a real storyline, sensuous music, beautiful images, slow teases, swirling romance, lingering kisses, expensive wine, more slow teases, elegant seduction, pretty speeches, and emotional involvement. Zalman knows how to do all that. His films are the cinematic equivalent of torn bodice novels. He writes and directs erotic entertainments that have the look and feel of real movies, incorporating colorful photography, carefully composed images, sentimental storylines, and sexy music. He takes the time to let us get to know his characters, so that we can care when they are hurt or happy.  

I don't like everything Zalman has ever done. In order to create these films correctly, one must strike a delicate balance between tease and delivery, between suggesting nudity and showing nudity, between pleasing female viewers and irritating their male companions. Sometimes he delivers too much tease, to the point where it gets irritating. In some of those episodes of Red Shoe Diaries, I just want to say to him, "Stop pulling the camera away every time it's about to reach some naughty bits. In fact, stop moving the camera for a minute and just show me this woman's face and her body at the same time." At other times, King lingers too much on shirtless male bodies for my taste. Oh, I know why he does this, but it doesn't interest me. On the other hand, when he strikes the correct balance, or at least the one that is correct for me, I enjoy watching his little fairy tales, even though I don't lose sight of their lack of Oscar-worthiness. I genuinely like some of the scenes in Two Moon Junction and Wild Orchid.

Here is a Zalman King filmography. You'll note two things:

  • I'm not sure what it means, but you'll notice that he did not write his two best films as a director, and he did not direct his best script.
  • Wild Orchid 2 is considered to be at or near the bottom of his output.
  • His best work is dated 1986-92. As I write this, Zalman is 64. He was originally a television actor, and got a late start on writing and directing. His first successful script, for 9 1/2 Weeks (1986), was produced when he was already 45 years old.

As writer:

  1. (5.29) - Nine 1/2 Weeks (1986)
  2. (4.70) - Red Shoe Diaries (the movie) (1992)
  3. (4.67) - Two Moon Junction (1988)
  4. (4.45) - In God's Hands (1998)
  5. (4.26) - Lake Consequence (1993)
  6. (4.09) - Roadie (1980)
  7. (4.00) - Wild Orchid (1990)
  8. (3.87) - Return to Two Moon Junction (1994)
  9. (3.69) - Women of the Night (2000)
  10. (3.57) - Wild Orchid II: Two Shades of Blue (1992)
  11. (3.31) - Black Sea 213 (1998)

As director:

  1. (5.63) - Boca (1994)
  2. (4.78) - Delta of Venus (1995)
  3. (4.70) - Red Shoe Diaries (1992)
  4. (4.67) - Two Moon Junction (1988)
  5. (4.45) - In God's Hands (1998)
  6. (4.00) - Wild Orchid (1990)
  7. (3.69) - Women of the Night (2000)
  8. (3.57) - Wild Orchid II: Two Shades of Blue (1992)


For mystifying reasons, Wild Orchid 2 has absolutely nothing to do with Wild Orchid. It takes place in a different locale, occurs in a different time period (35 years earlier), and features completely different characters. It has a sentimental storyline about a young girl named Blue (her dad was a blues musician) who is forced into prostitution by economic circumstances. She tries to live a double life in and out of the brothel and, in a vaguely Elizabethan twist, ends up providing paid pleasure to her dream man while she is in disguise. By gaining the same sort of edge Portia builds with her disguise in The Merchant of Venice, the knowledge Blue gains while in disguise allows her to evaluate her lover's sincerity later on. With the aid of a sympathetic brothel bodyguard (Robert Davi), Blue escapes the hold exerted on her by the madam, leaves town, and tries to establish herself as a high school student - in the same high school where her dreamboat is the school quarterback! They end up courting one another chastely, although he remains unaware that he has already had sex with her. Meanwhile, the jilted madam wants Blue back, and will stop at nothing to get her.

Wild Orchid 2 has its moments, although it is not in the same league as the films mentioned above. In evaluating Wild Orchid 2 as an erotic entertainment, my only real complaint about the R-rated version is that it delivers too little of the nudity from the characters we know, while front-loading lots of more explicit material from anonymous women. I'm not sure how this fits into the psychology of presenting erotica for women, but I always vote to have the nudity provided by the characters (and actresses) I can relate to. Background strippers and hookers don't do a thing for me. In fact, I think of them as set decoration rather than as people. Therefore, although the DVD of Wild Orchid 2 features a lot of nudity, including full frontal and rear exposure from various women, there are only tantalizing flashes of Nina Siemaszko's lower body. I much prefer the approach King used in Wild Orchid and Full Moon Junction, in which he got his stars (Carre Otis and Sherilyn Fenn) naked in beautiful lighting.

Apart from that, Wild Orchid 2 is satisfactory "couples erotica." It provides a substantial quantity of nudity and romantic sex within the context of enough plot, characterization, and atmosphere to hold your attention. Although it will not soon be mistaken for Gone With the Wind, it shows signs that a lot of thought and effort went into it, and it should be rated much higher at IMDb than 3.5, which is Ed Wood territory.

(NOTE: There is also an unrated version, not available on DVD, which shows more of Siemaszko. On VHS there were two versions:  a 112 minute unrated version and a 108 minute R-rated version. The DVD has only the R-rated version, which is missing four minutes of the best nudity, including THE best nudity from Nina Siemaszko. Since the only good reason to watch this movie is the erotica, the DVD is not recommended.)

Here's Nina Siemaszko in the R-Rated DVD. Her pubes are seen only in the very first collage, and they are only visible in the full-screen version. Her bum is seen only in the seventh collage, and again only in the full-screen version. In other words, if you watch the widescreen r-rated version, you'll see only her breasts. (Typical of MGM DVDs, it has a full frame full screen version and a widescreen anamorphic 16x9 version.)
These are earlier collages of Nina Siemaszko from the unrated VHS version. She never does deliver the pubes, but her bum is seen in the third collage (middle row, left).
Here are two points of interest from her career. To the left, she delivers an honest-to-goodness frontal in an episode of Red Shoe Diaries. To the right, she is having sex with Joey Tribbiani from Friends, who was also in that episode of Red Shoe Diaries.
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'Caps and comments by Hankster:

Today we continue on with 1991's "Bad Girls From Mars".

First up is B-movie stalwart Dana Bentley with some boobage from this cutie.

Dana Bentley

Next up is Greta Carlson with boobs in swimming pool scenes. Grea also had a career in bondage movies, but she stayed away from the ropes in this one.

Greta Carlson

Then we have a real veteran in the nudie movie field, Edy Williams. Williams began her career in the 60's and was married to nudie icon Russ Meyer for five years in the 70s. Edy was 49 years old when she made this flick, but still had quite a body. The changing clothes scene in the car is a hoot.

Edy Williams

Johnny Moronic
Johnny Moronic delivers the ladies (and skin) of "Sin City". (Look for it on DVD August 16th!)

Jessica Alba

Devon Aoki

Alexis Biedel

Rosario Dawson

Jaime King

Brittany Murphy

Carla Gugino

'Caps and comments by Oz:

"House of Love"
House of Love (2000) is your usual soft core, which you're not watching for the acting. The performers are Catalina Larranaga, Kelli McCarty, Kira Reed, Kitty Mitchner, Susan Featherly and Tracy Ryan.

Catalina Larranaga

Kelli McCarty

Kira Reed

Kitty Mitchner

Susan Featherly

Tracy Ryan

Sarah Laine, Nikita Ager and Erika Heynatz are three sisters in Mermaids (2003), and are also the mermaids. No visible nudity in this PG-rated movie but they are very easy on the eye.

Sarah Laine

Nikita Ager

Erika Heynatz

Quite a bit of sex appeal shown by Jaime Pressly in Torque (2004).

Jaime Pressly

It's the same again by Uma Thurman in Paycheck (2003), with some minor pokies.

Uma Thurman

"Light of My Eyes"
Some breast exposure by Sandra Ceccarelli in Light of My Eyes (2001).

Sandra Ceccarelli

Behold her Alba-liciousness! Here is an excellent production still Jessica Alba underwater in a bikini. The scene is from her upcoming movie "Into the Blue".

DeadRed takes a look at the Paul Verhoeven movie "Hollow Man" (2000), starring Kevin Bacon. Both Kim Dickens and Rhona Mitra were kind enough to show off their breasts.

Kim Dickens

Rhona Mitra

Here is Anja Stöhr topless in a shower scene on German TV from "Die Schöne Braut in Schwarz".

Movie Reviews


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  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
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Other Crap
USA TODAY - Grading the summer films

Remember the women who was suing big-time Hollywood directors (James Cameron and the Wachowskis) for stealing her ideas? Case dismissed.

  • "She failed to show up for a preliminary hearing of her case. In a 53-page ruling, Judge Margaret Morrow of the Central District Court of California dismissed the suit, saying Stewart and her attorneys had not entered any evidence to bolster its key claims or demonstrated any striking similarity between her work and the accused directors' films."
  • Oh, those crafty shysters, overwhelming the poor woman with such petty legal technicalities.
  • It was especially pernicious to use the rules of evidence against her, because ... she WROTE those damned rules!

The Diceman makes his pitch for his new genital shampoo - "Gee, your balls smell terrific"

Mark Ruffalo discusses All the Kings Men and Zodiac

They're the real Dukes of the real Hazard

FilmJerk's ever-useful Early Report for August 7

As my eighth grade teacher would say, "I'm looking at you, Paul Rubens." If you enjoy masturbating in a movie theater, then here is the site for you. Hey, who doesn't? I guess it's really a site for everyone. Probably gets more hits than Google.

Is it true that anyone who read "Excalibur", by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, went insane? If so, it might explain that whole recent Tom Cruise thing.

Scientists find that men have trouble hearing women.

  • Reminds me of the great line in Dumb and Dumber when Harry explains how he got unfairly dumped by his girl: "Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention."

Peter Jennings signs off, age 67.

Paper Apologizes for Review "A month after running a negative review of John Irving's new novel, The Washington Post has run a negative review of that review."

  • Good start. I'd like to know when some of the major papers are going to apologize for their positive reviews - Eyes Wide Shut, for example. Now that I would like to read!
  • "You see, when a Great Director creates a horseshit film with big stars, we are obligated to say it is good, because if we say that it is horseshit, then (1) the director will deny us future access for scoops and interviews (2) the studio will make our lives miserable in terms of obtaining insider info like pre-screenings and info junkets (3) the stars will never talk to us again (4) everybody in the film community will call us dumb-asses for failing to see the genius of the Great Director. So when we run a review of a film by a so-called Great Director, please understand that it just part of the publicity tour for the film, just the same as when the stars appear on the Tonight Show. That is all."

Vintage Spanish-language movie posters (1970s)

Headline we'd rather not think about: Man's testicles snared in a padlock for two weeks

Borowitz: RAPPER 50 CENT OFFENDED BY NOVAK'S LANGUAGE ... Demands Warning Label for Foul-mouthed Pundit

  • "Elsewhere, one day after a recess was declared in the North Korean nuclear talks, President Bush took advantage of the recess to name John Bolton President of North Korea."

The General Lee Charges to the top of the Weekend Box Office - Aug. 5-7, 2005

  • The penguin movie moved up to #6!!!
  • Wedding Crashers continued its streak of being in the top two for a fourth straight week.


Jimmy Kimmel's "Unnecessary Censorship: July 29th, 2005"

Three new clips from Broken Flowers, the latest Bill Murray arthouse Sad Sack film.

7 Clips from The Skeleton Key

Official blurb:

  • "From the writer of 'The Ring' (Ehren Kruger) and the director of 'K-PAX' (Iain Softley) comes Universal Pictures' contemporary supernatural thriller, 'The Skeleton Key'. Set largely in the dark atmospheric backwoods just outside of New Orleans, 'The Skeleton Key' stars Hudson as Caroline, a live-in nurse hired to care for an elderly woman's (Rowlands) ailing husband (Hurt) in their home...a foreboding and decrepit mansion in the Louisiana delta. Intrigued by the enigmatic couple, their mysterious and secretive ways and their rambling house, Caroline beings to explore the old mansion. Armed with a skeleton key that unlocks every door, she discovers a hidden attic room that holds a deadly and terrifying secret. Peter Sarsgaard portrays Luke, the local attorney working on the couple's estate, and Joy Bryant plays Jill, Caroline's best friend."

A new clip from The Man, the "mismatched buddy" comedy with Eugene Levy and Samuel L Jackson. I don't know how good the movie will be, but I laughed my ass off at this scene. Levy is hilarious, and Samuel L is the perfect straight man.

The hazards of paparazzi life: A photographer was shot in the leg with a BB gun outside a home where he believed Britney Spears was attending a bridal shower


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