NOTE TO ALL: Scoopy Jr writes the bulk of the commentary these days, while Uncle Scoopy continues to add his daily column, Contact junior by writing junior@scoopy.com. Contact Scoopy by writing unclescoopy@msn.com. Contact Tuna by writing tuna@scoopy.com Send submissions to scoopy@scoopy.net

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Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
"True Romance" (1993)

A couple of working class stiffs, one a prostitute and the other a clerk in a comic book store, manage to emerge with all the money in a battle between cops, mob guys, and coked-out Hollywood bodyguards.

In the climactic shoot-out, all the players are gathered together in the same room, all pointing their guns at each other and shouting "drop 'em". They all begin firing, and everyone gets killed except our two heroes and one of their friends.

Gee, guess who wrote this silly, implausible exercise in ultra-violence? Hint: it came in between Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction. Tarantino wrote, but didn't direct this one. That honor went to Tony Scott.

The cast assembled not just one or two of the usual physhotic bad guys and unbalanced good guys, but ALL of them. Every last one. Gary Oldman, Christopher Walken, Dennis Hopper, Samuel L Jackson, James Gandolfini, Tom Sizemore. It also has all the quirky off-center leading men. Brad Pitt, Christian Slater, Val Kilmer. In a sense, it's kind of a grand opera performed without singing. All the characters are larger-than-life, all the situations are wildly implausible, all the dialogue is like the exchanges between Spiderman and The Green Goblin. In other words, it's yet another adolescent masturbation fantasy.

I don't like this kind of film, largely because I can recite every plot twist and every line of dialogue before it happens. But many people really enjoy this kind of low-brain high-testosterone film, where all the rams try to butt horns until only the strongest one is left. If you are a male, less than 30 years old, you are the target market for this film, and may like it a lot, judging from the IMDb ratings. (Males under 18 rate it 7.9, males 18-29 rate it 7.8).

I guess Quentin Tarantino learned all his criminal behavior patterns from dime novels and comic books. It's pretty obvious that Tarantino hasn't ever met any real criminals, because real toughs don't spend hours talking about how tough they are. You can't do that if you're in the violence biz, because it allows your opponent time - time to catch his breath, to devise a plan, to find a hidden gun, whatever. Time is always the enemy, because the longer you delay to commit a crime, the greater the chance that unforeseen circumstances will disturb the plan. Professional criminals need to commit their crimes fast and get out before anything has a chance to go wrong. Only drugged-out losers talk about how tough they are. Tough guys don't have to, and don't want to, because they don't want anybody to know anything about them unless necessary. You think they go around broadcasting "hey, I'm a killer"? If they do, they won't be around that much longer. I guarantee you that if you do know a real tough guy, you aren't aware of it.

I knew some wiseguys when I was in the amusement game business. The high powered guys were ultra-elegant in the Old World style, and the lower level guys would always try to bribe you rather than threaten you. That's obviously morte effective. When you threaten people, they call the FBI. When you bribe people, they become part of the enterprise and keep their mouths shut. And even if they refuse the money, they don't get on the horn to the Feds.

But, of course, that very boring businesslike behavior doesn't make for a good jack-off fantasy.

  • Patricia Arquette (1, 2, 3)
  • Tuna
    "Winterschläfer" (1997)

    or "Winter Sleepers," is written and directed by Tom Tykwer, and was done immediately before Run, Lola. Run. The theme is similar -- the way people and events are all inter-related. I need to caution you at this point to ignore the IMDB summary, as it has at least 4 serious factual errors. Rebecca (Floriane Daniel), who works in the office of ski instructor by day, and translates steamy novels from English to German by night, lives high in the Bavarian Alps in a house belonging to her friend Laura (Marie-Lou Sellem). She is having an torrid relationship with the ski instructor, Marco. They seem to have great sex, and lots of arguments.

    Meanwhile, Laura, who is a nurse, returns home. The local projectionist, Rene, steals Marco's car in a drunken stupor the same night, and a near collision with farmer Theo, who is towing a horse in a trailer, causing the car to be emended in a snow bank, and the truck and trailer to roll. It is only after Theo gets out that he realized that his young daughter was riding with the horse, and is seriously injured. Laura meets Rene, and they become an item. Meanwhile, Marco is trying to find his car, Theo is trying to find the person who ran him off the road, and Rene has no short term memory due to a military accident with a grenade. Laura is the primary care-giver in the hospital to Theo's daughter.

    That sums up the relationships -- to find out how it all plays out, it is worth seeing. It is in German with subtitles, but that didn't stop IMDB readers from giving it 8.0/10 (only 335 votes). Major critics have yet to speak. Box office gross is around $10M. We have a short breast from Marie-Lou Sellem, and lengthy breast exposure and brief full-frontal from Floraine Daniel. Both actresses were excellent. The story is engaging, and the scenery spectacular. I found myself caring very much about the characters. If you enjoy "art films," this one will not disappoint you, as long as you don't expect another Run, Lola, Run.

  • Thumbnails

  • Floriane Daniel (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)
  • Marie-Lou Sellem
  • Brainscan
    Billie Piper So let us start with Billie Piper. Why? Beats me. Woman is downright emaciated but the picture was compelling in an odd way.

    Dona Nanou (1, 2) Not at all on the scrawny side is Greek celeb Dona Nanou, in a couple of pics from a recent Greek Penthouse. I understand her sister, Nanou Nanou, is known throughout the galaxy.

    Maurizia Cacciatori (1, 2) Continuing on the Greek side of town (must be Tarpon Springs, FL) is Maurizia Cacciatori, formerly the champion in youthful games of chicken, more recently a volleyball queen. Love those shorts, honey.

    Adriana Lima Don't know beans about her.

    Christy Turlington (1, 2) Christy Turlington is unusually attractive, by which I mean she hasn't the usual assets that would attract the male eye but she is nonetheless a real looker.

    Ingrid Seynhaeve (1, 2) Ingrid Seynhaeve, on the other hand, has all the usual assets, finely polished.

    Maggie Rizer Maggie Rizer weighs what? Seventy pounds? Dripping wet. But that sells clothes, I guess.

    Tatiana Zavalova Finally, we have Tatiana Zavalova in a picture that gets the Brainscan award for composition. Worked longer than usual to get this scan as close to the original as these aged eyes could make it.

    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10) Welcome back to AP after a long absence. AP used to be one of our most prolific and original contributors, but is now virtually retired from imaging. He comments, "here are some pics from Das Inselduell. Same principle as "Big Brother", but on an island.".
    Mr Scanman
    Marie-France Pisier (1, 1, 1, 1, 1) in "The Other Side of Midnight"
    Great Stuff
    Liz Hurley the paparazzi don't need anyone else as long as Liz is around. I wonder how big her entourage is? I have this picture of Liz on a date or at the beach with 2000 photographers watching her every move, all of them wearing cheap suits. This time, it's the old "boobs out of the dress" trick. Great picture from nmd.
    Nadja Auermann and Naomi Campbell Only one word for this - to quote David Frost "supah". The two supermodels stark naked, scanned by Blackshine, touching each other. Tough to top that.
    Kirsten Dunst It seems to me that Kirsten Dunst is one of the best comic actors of her generation, but her beauty isn't usually portrayed to feature her sexiness. This is an exception, and she looks fine.
    Jamie Lee Curtis here's one to add to your collection. Watty's large and sexy collage of Jamie Lee in "Trading Places"
    Teri Garr Watty's B&W tribute to Ms Garr in Young Frankenstein (that's fronk-in-shteen). No nudity.
    vidcaps from "Baise-moi" Not sure what the movie is, but the title translates as "Fuck me", so perhaps it alters the normal French Movie ratio of 1% fuckin', 99% talkin' about fuckin'. Or perhaps not.
    Theresa Russell The new Graphic Response collage from "Black Widow"

    Let's Blame Florida.com Here's a site that figured, "why not turn the electoral debacle into a profit?" Get a diploma from the electoral college, join a sing-a-long, buy a hat.

    Can Viagra cure electile dysfunction?

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