Suck It & See (1999) is a series of MTV style rock videos containing music from a CD of the same name, and made as a tribute to porn. There is absolutely no dialogue, and the editing, effects and lighting are typical of the rock video genre. The music is like nothing I have ever thought of as music, but two of the three who commented at Amazon.com claimed to love the music.

A woman (Roxy Hearts) arrives at an airport, and is meant by a guy in a limo driven by a woman (Belle). The two have sex in the back seat, then all three adjourn to a hotel room, where they all have sex, and make a video of it. The girls then do a girl/girl in a steam bath. Next stop, a B & D art show, then a theater, where they sell the tapes. Then, the weird guy who has been following them since the airport sees their film in an adult bookstore, and hires a hooker, Coco Cobra.

All three women show everything. There is almost know information on the net except Amazon. Even the official site for the producers doesn't list it. For those who are dying to have this gem, you better hurry. Amazon only has one left. For MTV fans, and those who like this music, the women are attractive, have camera presence, and some of the scenes are very erotic. The DVD has a slide show and some sort of interactive content that didn't work for me. I suppose it as good a Rock Video tribute to porn as I have ever seen. C.

Mercy (2000)

Mercy was a murder mystery which ended up debuting on cable TV. I suppose they intended or hoped for a theatrical release at one time, because they filmed it in a 2.35:1 aspect ratio, which is not exactly ideal for a TV broadcast.

The best reason to have given up on it is that it is just a terrible murder mystery, for some very major reasons:

1) the murderer turns out to be a minor character with whom you have no identification. When they reveal her identity, you recognize her, but you don't really remember exactly who she is or why she is important.

2) if you like to solve along with murder mysteries, you have no prayer on this one. Not only is the killer an undeveloped character, but you have no idea what her motivation is, not even after the film is over!

3) the detectives, faced with the same problems that the audience faces, never solved the crime at all. They stumbled into the murderer by accident when they investigated their main suspect and the murderer happened to be there murdering him.

That's about as bad as it gets in the murder mystery league. Plus, they threw in not one but two "red herring" suspects, and both of those characters were developed better than the real murderer. I suppose that the book must have been a good read, but they jammed too many characters and too little motivation into the movie.

Bottom line: if the film had no nudity and lesbian sex, it would completely suck.

But, brother, does it have nudity and lesbian sex. Peta Wilson, for example, exposes every inch of her body from every angle, including a really sexy nude camel-toe (see the bottom right image in collage one). In addition to her own nudity, Peta also kisses Ellen Barkin's crotch on camera (see Barkin collage). I personally regard Peta's performance in this film as one of the two best nudes scene of 2000, and it finished 7th overall (very stiff competition that year - Katie Holmes in The Gift, Gretchen Mol in Forever Mine, Connelly got naked twice, Amanda Peet did her great turn in The Whole Nine Yards, and Casta hauled out those amazing Jumbo Jacks in The Blue Bicycle).

In addition to Barkin and Wilson, four other women did full frontal scenes, and there was miscellaneous nudity from three more women (two of them pictured below) and two men, including Blond Baldwin.

When it comes to sheer sleazy entertainment, this puppy  is up there with Sirens, and the other classics of celebrity nudity.

• Peta Wilson (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

• Ellen Barkin

• Laura Daans (1, 2, 3)

• Karen Young (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

• Claire Burton

• Wendy Crewson (1, 2)

• Unknown 1 (1, 2)

• Unknown 2 (one of you must know who this is .....!) (1, 2)

DVD notes: No meaningful features. The quality of the widescreen print is mediocre, but there is also a full screen version which is sharper, with much nicer contrast. (Peta's window scene, Karen Young's pubic hair scene, and Barkin's scene above are taken from the full screen version, which not only provides a brighter and larger image, but also shows areas beneath those visible in the widescreen print.)

Other crap:

• Gwyneth looks so mah-velous that her boyfriend can't stop ogling her ass.
• The Smoking Gun comes to TV
• The story behind the guy who accused Demi Moore of sexual harassment
• California lawsuit asks for an injunction ordering Kraft Foods to desist from selling Nabisco Oreo Cookies to children in California, because the cookies are made with partially hydrogenated vegetable oil. Not to worry. California will be bankrupt soon, and will have to be assumed as a Federal Protectorate.
• German Big Brother is too racy for TV
• Jane Krakowski says her towel sometimes falls off on stage in "Nine"
• a tribute to Green Slime cereal
• in case you are not familiar with the fiasco in the Texas legislature, in which the Republicans have issued a warrant to have the Democrats arrested, here's the story. Note the correlation to the article the other day about all of today's Democrats being pussies. Do you think Lyndon Johnson would have run away from the mean old Republicans, whining with his tail between his legs?
• 10 sequels come out this summer

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Helen Mirren, baring breasts and a hint of bush at age 57!

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

A return to television land today with another visit to "Son of the Beach".

I just love this program! Last week we had Kim Oja as a "Babe in Bondage", but this time it's just plenty of views of Kim's cleavage.

Then we give you all three of the "Beach" girls in their undies...Leila Arcieri, Jaime Bergman and Kim.

• Kim Oja cleavage. My favorite is #3. (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Leila Arcieri, Jaime Bergman and Kim Oja all in undies. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Polish Up The Oscar! - Matt Drudge reports that Mel Gibson dropped plans to finance Michael Moore's next documentary, "Fahrenheit 911," after discovering it was to be a hatchet job on President Bush that would try to tie his family to Osama bin Laden, accuse Bush of using the 9/11 attacks to advance his agenda, and ask why America is hated abroad. But Moore has found someone new to put up the millions: Miramax, a subsidiary of the Walt Disney Company.