Turkey Day

NOTE TO ALL: Scoopy Jr writes the bulk of the commentary these days, while Uncle Scoopy continues to add his daily column, Contact junior by writing junior@scoopy.com. Contact Scoopy by writing unclescoopy@msn.com. Contact Tuna by writing tuna@scoopy.com Send submissions to scoopy@scoopy.net

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"Goldeneye" (1995)

Goldeneye has Bond updated for the 90's. He works for a female "M.," and drives a BMW, but still fancies himself irresistible to women, drinks Vodka martinis, loves toys, and fights given any excuse. Bond is played by Pierce Brosnan, who brings all of the charisma and excitement to the role as an ant hill brings to a picnic. The films got off to a bad start for me. First, Bond ties a bungie cord to his feet, then jumps off a dam. As he nears the end of his rope, he fires a piton into the damn, and stops himself without so much as a jerk. A while after that repeal of the laws of gravity and inertia, he throws the pilot out of a plane that is taking off on a runway that goes to the edge of a cliff. He then mounts a motorcycle, jumps off the cliff after the pilotless plane, catches it free-falling, and pulls it out of a power dive to escape.

A single engine plane with no pilot would end up flying straight and level, not in a power dive. Single engine planes tend toward level flight. But lets forget that, and accept that this particular plane was fond of the power dive position. It would be accelerating at a rate defined by both gravity, and it's air speed. Meanwhile, Bond would be falling much more slowly without any propulsion, and never catch the plane. We have evil Russians, but, in the absence of the cold war, they are Russian traitors seeking to use a satellite based EMF weapon to destroy London and cover up a theft of all the money in the bank of London. Famke Janssen is a high point, as a very evil accomplice, and Izabella Scorupco is delightful as a Soviet programmer who helps Bond. The effects are good, as are the stunts, and some of the art direction and photography is very nice. It is a close call for me which is worse, Goldeneye or Thunderball.

Both Maltin and Berardinelli were more impressed than me with this one and give it 3 stars. IMDB readers have it at 6.7/10. Made for a mere $60m, it grossed $350.7m worldwide. I attribute this success to the Bond formula, not this particular film.

  • Thumbnails

  • Famke Janssen (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
  • Izabella Scorupco (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
    I managed to come up with about 21 new collages today without ever watching a movie. Give credit where credit is due.

    About half of these come from yet another "The Hunger" DVD, this one subtitled "Vampires" . The Hunger is the official Canadian make-work program for unemployed French-Canadian actresses. Think of it as the CCC for Quebec. The one with Celine Bonnier had much more extensive nudity than they normally do. The biggest disappointment with this series is that the women are never really knockouts, and many episodes feature only a fleeting nipple, if nipples may be said to fleet. I haven't seen one yet with both a superfox and extensive nudity, but the Bonnier episode at least approaches the right level.

    The other images come from TomCat, the Polish Prince. He sent in some captures from King Kong, and those are nothing special. In fact, it is very difficult to see anything resembling a nipple. It seems to me that we've seen this more clearly on other occasions.

    But the rest of TomCat's work is a treasure of treasures. The famous Bardot-Birkin scene in Vadim's "Don Juan 73", plus plenty more of Bardot in other scenes from the same film. Great stuff, and formerly conspicuously absent from the encyclopedia. And his captures are not bad at all for non-DVD images. Many thanks to the ol' Pole Cat. You gave me something to be thankful for!

  • Celine Bonnier, "The Hunger" (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
  • Sofia Shinas, "The Hunger"
  • Marie-Josee Croze, "The Hunger"
  • Kim Feeney, "The Hunger" (1, 2, 3)
  • Brigitte Bardot, "Don Juan 73" (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
  • Jane Birkin, "Don Juan 73" (1, 2, 3,)
  • Jessica Lange, "Kin Kong" (1, 2, 3)

    Scoop's response to Jr's comments about "TWINE"....

    It seems to me that the last two Bonds I've seen have been nothing but car chases and motorcycle chases and such. Since you can see those in every other movie now, they really need something punchier. That previous one, with Teri Hatcher, the oriental chick, and the electronics geek, was just as bad as TWINE. Would have been worse except that it had Joe don Baker

    In fact, MI2 is a better James Bond film than the real James Bond film. If they would just re-dub it with the names changed, it'd be one of the better ones in the series.

    Here is my proposal for the next James Bond film...

    CIA agent Jack Wade (Joe Don Baker) goes toe-to-toe against a suave Scottish arms dealer bent on world domination, played by Sean Connery, who has his headquarters directly underneath some of the largest cascades at Iguazu Falls.

    Since the final confrontation takes place in Scotland, James Bond makes a cameo appearance to tell Wade that British Intelligence will try not to fuck anything up. Unfortunately, British Agents miss an important rendezvous because they are pasting wood to the dashboard of their cars, and while their screw-up doesn't ruin the mission, it does cause Judy Dench to be dropped into the Russian Tundra, where we see her being torn apart and eaten by Siberian Tigers.

  • Brainscan
    Comments by Brainscan:

    Britney Spears So when last we saw Britney Spears strip down to her BVD's at the MTV awards, there was this one frame in the vidcaps that suggested her top had become separated from her... well, bosom... natural or surgically reconstructed. Then last week someone posted on usenet a larger version of the cap. Lil ol me spent some time cleaning up that puppy and sharpening up the image... and the result is.. shall we say interesting?

    Melanie Appleby
    (1, 2)

    Melanie Bolton
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    A couple o' Melanies round out today's offering. Melanie Appleby was a singer and nude model in the UK. Heard her sing once.. nice voice. Have seen just about every picture ever taken of her in the buff... nicer body. Melanie Bolton has appeared on page 3 of the usual tabloids and on the pages of many other, more revealing publications, including my fave, Mayfair. Gotta hand it to the Brits: they are arrogant far out of proportion to what they have accomplished in the past half-decade but a large proportion of the women have, in true Monty Python phraseology, huge tracks of land.
    Shauna O'Brien
    (1, 2)
    Skinemax time! First up, pre-boob job 'caps of Shauna from "Friend of the Family" parts one and two. Naturally, several scenes with Shauna doin' the simulated nasty.

    I saw part two about a year ago under the title "Innocence Betrayed". One scene sorta caught my eye back then, and today I see that there's a vidcap from that scene right smack in the middle of Dann's collage (link #2). In the scene Shauna is doing some sport humping. Ok, nothing new there, but what I noticed was that they either did a really good job faking it, or they really were gettin' it on. Check out the frame in #2 with Shauna lying on the bed with gold sheets and see for yourself.

    Of course, many of us have heard rumors that occasionally they don't fake it in these softcore flicks. But so far, I've never seen any definite proof. Granted, in this case one frame doesn't mean squat, but I think the scene as a whole may be worth some investigation.

    Griffen Drew Nice lesbo scenes with Shauna O'Brien from the first "Friend of the Family". For the Drew fans...here are some of her other grade B (and lower) movies:

  • "Dinosaur Island" (1994)
  • "Dinosaur Valley Girls" (1996)
  • "Bikini Hoe-Down" (1997)

  • Emily Procter I've seen several vidcaps from "Body Shots", but never this scene with Emily in dominatrix leather.

    Jenna Bodnar From "Friend of the Family 2". No Shauna O'Brien in these.

    Layla Roberts It's not very obvious, but there is some nice nipple exposure in these 'caps from Highlander part 5...I mean "Beowulf".

    Lissa Boyle Gettin' it on in scenes from "Friend of the Family".

    Raelyn Saalman More scenes from "Friend of the Family".

    Rose McGowan Rose showing the ghostly white goods in scenes from "Going All the Way".

    Suzanne Bridgham Topless shower scenes from her only credited movie, "The Doorway".

    Robin Tunney Brief topless nudity from "End of Days". Yup, the one where Arnold beats Satan. (hehe!)
    Linda Pine Satan gettin' some action in "End of Days".
    Mel B Wearing a lot of leather on the UK show "Top of the Pops".
    Sharon Stone Vidcaps from the not often seen Stallone movie "The Specialist".
    Chevonne Duncan Topless images from "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's The Lost World".
    Gena Lee Nolin Tons of cleavage from her new series "Sheena".
    Vicki Phillips Gena's stunt butt, also from "Sheena".
    and ...
    Davinia Taylor
    (1, 2)
    The Scoopy family is pretty well spread out all over the country. Coast to coast actually. So we really don't have any kind of big get together. Instead, each individual Scoopy pod has it's own way of celebrating the holidays and different things for which they are thankful each year. Being the sole Scoopy on the West coast, I pretty much keep it low key and just watch football all day. Maybe eat a slice of pie or two.

    So what am I thankful for? Well, mainly I thank the mysterious forces that shape the universe for letting me look at pictures of naked chicks all day! Especially, Davinia #2. Which is my pick for image of the day. I guess that makes Davinia the Official Scoopy Babe of Thanksgiving 2000.

    On a serious note...I thank Scoop Sr. for letting me work with him on the Fun House, and I thank my very close friends for putting up with me and sticking around.

    Some of us may not be spending the holidays with our friends and family. But keep in mind that just because we can not be there, that does not mean that we are any less thankful for the privilege of knowing and sharing our lives with those people. Like many of you, there is a very special person out there who absolutely means the world to me. Sadly, this Holiday Jr's flying solo. But that's OK because I know that as sappy as it sounds, we're together in spirit. And I guess that's what this nutty time of year is all about. At least I think that's what the Hallmark said.

    Gretchen Mol
    (1, 2)
    Again Jr? Well...YES! So what if we've seen a bazillion 'caps from "Forever Mine" this week. Check out these collages by Helcrom. If for no other reason, because she's topless and looks fantastic!

    Connie Booth
    (1, 2)
    The former, Mrs. John Cleese doing some full frontal nudity from 1974's "Romance with a Double Bass". Vidcaps by Snappy Pappy.

    Blair Brown Nude scenes from the Sci-Fi classic, "Altered States".
    The Funnies by Number 6
    "The people who vote decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything."
    ---Josef Stalin

    Does Stalin live in Florida???

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    Thanksgiving Fun

    A Change In Plans

    Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

    Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

    The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

    Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

    We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 AM upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

    We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

    Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

    Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.

    Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either.

    I am thankful.

    Source: "Today's Woman" magazine.

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