Epic Movie

This is another spoof from the assembly line that churned out Date Movie. The critics actually liked this one worse than Date Movie, which they hated to begin with. Epic Movie scored 2% positive reviews. Surprisingly, the one and only positive review came from the respected Owen Gleibermann of Entertainment Weekly! Average movie fans don't like it any more than the critics did. As I write this it is rated the 42nd worst movie of all time.

Frankly, it's not anywhere near the bottom 100 of all time, and it's better than Date Movie, which had no laughs at all. I'd rate it a cut higher than its predecessor for  a couple of reasons:

1. The spoofs are tied together by a reasonably coherent narrative structure.

2. There is some nice nudity, including a properly lit full-frontal scene featuring Audra Lynn.

3. The film has a good moment or two from some reasonably talented people, like Kal Penn, Crispin Glover, and Stifler's Mom. (Although not, sadly enough, from Fred Willard.)

Don't misinterpret what I am saying. It is a poor movie, just not as poor as others have claimed. I suppose it would have some appeal for young boys, since it features plenty of jokes about bodily functions, a plethora of bickering and head-bopping in the manner of the Three Stooges (spiced with crotch kicks, just to demonstrate it's not your father's slapstick), and lots of sexual and pseudo-sexual references. Unfortunately, mom is not going to let those boys watch this movie unless she is completely in the dark about the raunchy contents.

If you're past the fifth grade, you'll want to skip it. The film has the same inherent problem as Date Movie: it has plenty of movie references, but no real wit or parody. It's like the most obvious film spoofs in the most juvenile years of Cracked magazine, basically just name-dropping and slapstick with no real comedy after the "recognition factor." The comic theory, if you want to call it that, is that if you dress like up like and do an impersonation of a film character, that is a joke in and of itself. Many speculate that may have also been the theory of the missing second book of Aristotle's Poetics, which was supposed to have dealt with comedy. If so, it would explain why some medieval monk probably shit-canned it, because even in the Dark Ages, they must have written better jokes than this ...

... although I can't actually recall an example to prove my point.

Carmen Electra (film clip)
Audra Lynn (film clip)
Heather Storm (film clip)


* Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).

* White asterisk: expanded format.

* Blue asterisk: not mine.

No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.








Just a Gigolo


Just a Gigolo, a West German film about WW1, was the first attempt at directing by actor David Hemmings.

It is the story of a young Prussian officer who reports to the front in the "Big War" in search of fame and glory, only to have the war end moments later. At this point, his commanding officer thinks it is an allied trick, and the two rush the enemy. They are bombed for their effort. Our young man wakes up in a French hospital where he is given a hero's reception, until they discover he is German, not French. He returns to Berlin, but finds things very different, and sets about finding something to do for a living. Nothing else works out, and he becomes a gigolo. Meanwhile, he maintains a relationship with his old commanding officer, who is shown to be an early Nazi. A local girl, a wannabe actress, has always lusted after him. He doesn't seem interested in that, but still longs for glory in the service of the fatherland.

IMDb feels the above is a drama, but I would have said comedy or farce. Whatever it is, it is unwatchable. Much of the original film was destroyed in a fire and Hemmings took three years to cobble together a film from the footage he had left over. His cut was 147 minutes long, but his producer shortened it to 91 minutes, and it is still too long. By about 89-90 minutes. Whether it is a drama or a comedy, the most noteworthy thing about the film is the cast, which includes David Bowie as the young officer, Sydne Rome as the actress, and such stalwarts as Kim Novak, Marlene Dietrich, Curt Jürgens and David Hemmings himself.

It is letterboxed to the original theatrical aspect ratio of 1.8:1, and is available Rare Licensed DVDs in an all-region DVD. The transfer is grainy, no doubt because of the original master. 

It is a D, but one that some of you might want to consider. As a movie, this was a miss, but it is notable, if only for the performances of so many vintage superstars, the first film role for Bowie (although it was released after The Man Who Fell to Earth), and the final screen appearance of Ms. Dietrich, who came out of a two-decade retirement to make this movie. (It was finally released 18 years after Judgment at Nuremberg.)

IMDb readers say 5.1 based on only 138 votes.


Just a Gigolo DVD David Bowie Sydney Rome (1978)



Sydne Rome shows her breasts through a transparent stage costume.









Werewolf Hunter

A couple of days ago we did Elsa Pataky in Beyond Re-Animator. Today she returns in this scene from "Werewolf Hunter". I know most of the caps are similar, but I hate throwing caps away and her facial expressions do change. She is so hot and I love those breasts.








Ritratto di borghesia in nero

A heated sex melodrama set in Fascist Italy just before World War II, this isn't bad at all. It's about a provincial innocent who comes to Venice to study music, befriends a fellow student who is gay, has an affair with the friend's mother (Senta Berger), then casts her aside in favor of a millionaire's daughter (Ornella Muti).



Senta Berger


Ornella Muti






Notes and collages

Alien Avengers

Anastasia Sakelaris







Rebecca Jenkins in Whole New Thing (film clip)

Laura Harring in Ghost Son (film clip)

Aubrey Miles in Prosti (film clip)
Lori Singer in Trouble in Mind (film clip)
Mia Sara in Caroline at Midnight (film clip from video tape, 320x240, but decent quality)
Miranda Otto in Kin (film clip). There isn't much nudity, but it's one of the more acrobatic sex scenes I've seen. They get it on standing up and her lover performs cunnilingus on her, but not by dropping to his knees. He raises her over his shoulders!
Excellent HQ versions of the famous topless pics of Rebecca Gayheart

The latest from the Axis of Sluttiness. Britney in a bikini and a see-through top,.
A bit of runaway labia from wrestler Melina Perez


The Comedy Wire

A study by Universidad Nacional de Quilmes in Argentina found that Viagra appears to reduce the symptoms of jet lag in hamsters. Hamsters whose schedules were changed to simulate a six-hour plane trip east readjusted up to 50 percent faster when given Viagra.  Researchers said there are some caveats: it didn't work on hamsters that simulated traveling west; they don't know if it would work on human airline travelers; and even if it does, some men might not appreciate the side-effect of having an erection at 30,000 feet. 

*  Really?  Name one!

*  Don't male hamsters always have an erection?

In Sunland, California, a man tried to kill his girlfriend by stopping his car on some railroad tracks and jumping out, just before an oncoming train slammed into the car.  The girlfriend was hospitalized in stable condition, and nobody on the train was injured; but the train launched the car into the air and it hit the man as he fled, killing him.

*  In California, that's known as "carma," dude. 

Barbra Streisand is in danger of being banned in Italy for price gouging.  She is set to play her first-ever Italian show next month in Rome, and ticket prices run from just under $200 to over $1,200. Consumer groups call those prices "absurd and shameful," and they're calling for the show to be canceled.  They say the stadium "is public property and cannot be used for immoral deals that are shameful to a civilized country."

*  It should only be used for feeding Christians to lions! 

Paris Hilton is apparently either getting religion on the eve of her jail term or trying to impress authorities with her "good behavior."  Several times in recent days, she's been photographed carrying around a couple of books, and one of them is a Bible.

*  She read that Jesus could turn water into wine, so she told her handlers to put Him on her party guest list.