Une Vielle Maitresse

In my rush to publish Thursday's edition, I forgot to link to my own collages! Here they are, iff'n you missed 'em.



From SPAZ, master of all things Canadian:

"ID's from American Pie 6.


Naked Fear

I think this film gave me my biggest surprise of the year. Except for the opening credit sequence, the first 44 minutes of this movie are god-awful, consisting of melodramatic situations populated by cardboard characters being acted by performers who couldn't get decent roles in dinner theater. I was wondering how this film could have been directed by Thom Eberhardt, an experienced 60-year-old man who has directed such competent films as:

  • Without A Clue, which stars Michael Caine and Ben Kingsley as Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson
  • Captain Ron, a pretty funny lowbrow comedy starring Martin Short and Kurt Russell.

The opening credits show a yokel wearing his hunting gear, tracking down and shooting a naked girl. She is only wounded, so he approaches her and shoots her in the head with a handgun, as one might do with a wounded buck. That scene was actually very effective, offering some hope that the film would be good. The scene then switches to a small desert town which has recently seen an epidemic of missing strippers. There's no mystery about what will happen. The fate of the missing girls is obvious, and it is only a matter of time before the naive new stripper becomes the latest girl recruited for the hunt. It takes 44 minutes of tedious exposition and irrelevant sub-plots to bring the hunter and his naked prey together for the start of that hunt, and they are 44 of the most amateurish minutes ever put onto film by en experienced filmmaker. I was cursing my fate that I had to watch this for the reported nudity. I was in an especially sour mood because even the nudity in the first 44 minutes is a tease.

And then I got my surprise.

Once the movie began in earnest, with the actual pursuit, it became spellbinding. The stiff line readings became irrelevant because it was just a man chasing a naked woman through the woods. No need for them to deliver any Wildean dialogue, or any other dialogue for that matter. And Eberhardt suddenly remembered what he was supposed to do to make a film suspenseful and exciting. Not only that, his direction became very smooth. He used camera angles, including overheads, to show the strategic maneuvers of the two actors on their outdoor chessboard, occasionally to demonstrate how close they could be without one being aware of the other's presence.. He used POV techniques effectively to show when one of them found another. He used foreshadowing to focus in on important items that could be used as weapons or on terrain that could be used by the girl to hide or escape or plan an ambush. As long as those two characters were the focus of the film, I never gave a single thought to the passage of time until the hunt had reached a conclusion. There were still a couple of clunky scenes which took place back in town as people noticed first that the girl was missing, and then that the yokel hadn't returned on schedule. Those cutaways may have been necessary to the plot, and they were mercifully short, but since they were expository, they required more badly-delivered dialogue. The good news is that once the action returned to the wilderness, the film again became suspenseful and interesting, and moved along beautifully except when dialogue was needed. What's more, there were some interesting, unexpected and credible plot twists out there in the outback as one of them, then the other, gained the upper hand in a seesaw battle.

Not only did the film become entertaining when the hunt began, but it finally delivered on the nudity as well. Danielle De Luca did a 19 minute nude scene. Literally. She went nineteen consecutive minutes without a stitch of clothing on her body at the beginning of the hunt.

In fact, if this film had started in minute 44, I would be raving about what a beautifully paced indie film it is. Unfortunately that is not the case, so all I can say is what I started with: what an incredible surprise. If you were to divide this picture into two films, you would start with a very bad 44-minute film. Who could expect that to be followed by a taut, riveting 60-minute film with the same characters, filmed and performed by the same team.

Not I.

(One other stripper - in the background - was topless for a couple of frames. I just ignored it.)

Sorry, no collages. Doing caps and collages could have taken me hours that I didn't have. But one or more of you guys feel free to play around with it if you like. We'd all be pleased.




  • * Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).

  • * White asterisk: expanded format.

  • * Blue asterisk: not mine.

  • No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.










What? is a Roman Polanski comedy starring Sydne Rome. She is hitching through Italy, and some guys pick her up and try to rape her. They get excited and start attacking each other, and she escapes. She next finds herself in a plush villa, and is shown to a room for the night. Her shirt is torn. In the morning she finds it missing altogether, leaving her topless. She soon meets Marcello Mastroianni, a former pimp who starts a romance with her. She also comes to know the other oddball residents of the villa, including Roman Polanski and Hugh Griffith. She soon loses her pants, but finds the top of some PJs. It is about then that someone paints the back of her leg blue. Eventually, she is chased from the villa because she was running away. Roger Ebert, in awarding 1/2 star, complained that newspaper policy wouldn't allow him to score it lower. He wrote:

"It was completed in 1973 and has not been released until now (1976) because almost every distributor who saw it fled the screening room in horror, clutching at his wallet. The movie's original title was "What?" That is reportedly what Carlo Ponti said (in Italian, no doubt, and appropriately embellished) after Polanski showed it to him. In its original version, it looked like the work of a madman, of a crazed cinematic genius off the deep end. Ponti, in desperation, had all of Polanski's outtakes printed up (outtakes are versions of a shot that the director decides not to use.) With the aid of skilled editors, Ponti attempted to substitute various outtakes in an attempt to construct a film that resembled, well, a film. No luck. When Polanski makes a bad movie, he does it with a certain thoroughness. Even the shots he didn't use were bad. "

I was not able to figure out what got Roger so worked up. I got a couple of laughs out of the beginning of the film, and then found it rather tedious, but no more so than many other Italian comedy farces of the era.

Only for Polanski completists and genre aficionados.



IMDb: 5.7, Polanski's lowest ever in 50 years of filmmaking - and therefore lower than such films as The Ninth Gate, Pirates, and Bitter Moon!



Sydne Rome shows full frontal and rear, as does Renee Langer, as one of the other residents.


Sydne Rome


Renee Langer












We have done this one before, but I just love this woman. Natasha Henstridge in "Species"" from the HD film clips in yesterdays Fun House. She is so sexy.






Notes and collages

The Man Who Knew Too Little



Joanne Whalley

The Man Who Knew Too Little









Demon House


On Halloween, after their car breaks down, two girls pick the wrong ride with some teens and end up mixed up in a shooting. The girls and the troubled teenagers hide in a house trying to figure out what to do, but this is not a normal house, is haunted. This is your average horror film with the same plot as about a hundred others.

It does have some fun parts, especially Patricia Rodriguez's nude scenes.


Tara Stone


Stephanie Bauder


Patricia Rodriguez










I don't think it was supposed to be, but the 1972 drama Bluebeard is hilarious. It isn't played for laughs, but it's funny anyway. It's also full of beautiful and often-nude women, so you can't miss. In addition, if you're a fan, the male lead was Richard Burton, although this movie is definitely not his shining hour.

As you might guess from my comments so far, the story is kind of lame, maybe even trite, but it's also campy and funny without meaning to be, and a lot of fun to watch. It definitely is NOT meant to be a story of the real man who is thought to be the basis for the legend of Bluebeard; rather, it's just one variation of the Bluebeard fairy tale.

Baron von Sepper is an aristocrat and World War I flying ace, who is much beloved in Germany after the war. He has a knack for marrying beautiful women, many of them. They have a knack for dying or disappearing shortly after the marriage.

His latest wife is a beautiful American showgirl named Anne (Joey Heatherton). While prowling the Baron's castle, she discovers a frozen vault filled with ex-wives, all quite dead and nicely preserved. When she discusses this oddity with her new husband, the Baron admits that killing wives is a handy alternative to having to divorce them, and much less messy. Unfortunately, now that she knows, Anne has to be the next pork chop on the shelf.

Silly as it sounds, and silly as it is, this is a very entertaining flick, not to be taken seriously even for a second, and filled with beautiful women.


Joey Heatherton Agostina Belli Karin Schubert
Nathalie Delon and Sybil Danning Marilu Tolo






Film Clips

Some oddball stuff:

Elizabeth's nude scene in Elizabeth II: The Wrath of Khan. This scene was performed by a body double, NOT Cate Blanchett. Sorry. By the way, the real post-hyphen title is The Golden Age.

Hedy Lamarr in Ectasy

Priscilla Barnes and Camilla Soeberg in Erotique. I have always found this to be a very sexy scene.


Follow-up on Tuna's section. More Sydne Rome, this time in the immortal cinema classic "Wanted Dead or Alive, Preferably Dead."








Heidi Bohlen in an episode of Tatort
Muriel Baumeister in Meine mutter darf es nie erfahren
Nina Proll in Tarragona
Petra Schmidt Schaller in Ein fliehendes Pferd
Anja Kruse in Die schoene Wilhelmine