Tuesday

Tuna
"Leaving Las Vegas"

Leaving Las Vegas was universally loved by the critics, and for once, I agree with them. Reviews focus on the performances of Cage and Shue, the direction, the cinematography and the writing, all of which are great. This is a very hard film for me to watch. Throughout the film, I rooted for Shue and Cage to be each other's salvation. But, true to life, they couldn't save each other. The one positive theme in this film is the way they accepted each other unconditionally for what they were. No matter how tragic the ending, the relationship was very affirming.

Shue shows breasts, and there is the obligatory anonymous stripper who also shows breasts. IMDB readers have this at 7.5. It won a Best Actor Oscar for Cage, and was nominated Best Director, Best Writer and Best Actress. The film grossed $32M against an $8M budget. The DVD is anamorphic widescreen, giving me large, bright images to work with. This is a B-. It is not the kind of film I usually like, being very much akin to drugs suck movies, yet I appreciated this one.

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  • Elisabeth Shue (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
  • Stipper (1, 2, 3)

    30 Second Reviews

    30 Second Reviews

    "Blue Crush" (2002) is a fairly ordinary sports film about woman surfers competing at Pipeline in Hawaii. The only pleasant surprise was that the main character did not win the tournament, but did well enough to win sponsorship. No exposure. Nice surf images. C

    "The Substance Of Fire" (1996) is a weepy two dying men with dread illnesses holocaust survivor dysfunctional family gay relationship film, with no nudity from female lead Sarah Jessica Parker. If that is your thing, go for it. I would rather have a root canal than watch it again. Ebert liked it at 3 stars, if you want to read a positive review.

    Dirty Songs

    I have been waiting since 1972 for someone to give me an excuse to write about dirty songs. The link to the Rugby song page yesterday gave me that excuse. While the site had a fair collection, it was missing some important traditional dirty songs, and had less than brilliant variants of others. The appeal of dirty songs is simple -- they are fun. Young children start with simple rhymes, such as "I saw England, I saw France, I saw (fill in a name)'s underpants." Virtually any same sex group will have their own collection, such as sororities, fraternities, fan groups, military personnel, or professional societies.

    Many are parodies to popular songs, such as "Carolina in the Morning,"

    Nothing could be finer than to be in her vagina in the morning

    and "Walking your baby back home"

    Gee but it's great after eating your date,
    Brushing your teeth will a comb.

    In other cases, the dirty version came first. Think about the classic, "What Shall We Do with a Drunken Sailor." The line "way hey up she rises ..." means nothing to me, but the original, "way, hey, up it rises, early in the morning" refers, of course, to a morning or "piss" erection. The song contained lyrics like:

    Shave his balls with a rusty razor ...
    Throw him in the rack with the captains daughter ...

    Another example is "Frankie and Johnny." It was originally Frankie and Albert, and told a true story of a prostitute (Frankie) who shot her pimp (Albert) for cheating on her. It became a favorite of working girls in New Orleans. Someone from Tin Pan Alley realized the commercial potential, cleaned up the lyrics and changed the name, and you have the bowdlerized (censored) version that we all know. The original version was more like this:

    Frankie stood up in the courtroom
    Said I ain't tellin' no sass.
    I didn't shoot Albert in the first degree
    I shot him in his big black ass
    He was my man ... God damn his soul

    Another source of erotic ditties was early blues. Many big bands, and many blues performers, recorded at least one comedy or smutty song, usually under a pseudonym. Some of the blues classics are wonderful, such as "If I Can't Sell It, I'm Just Gonna Keep on Sitting On It, Before I Give It Away." The song was 100% double entendre, supposedly about a used furniture dealer and a rocking chair. Others were far more explicit:

    I got nipples on my titties big as the end of your thumb
    And I got something 'tween my legs will make a dead man cum.
    Shave em dry.

    Marching and dirty lyrics go hand in hand. I learned "Roll Me Over, in the Clover" in boot camp, and anyone who has been in the Army knows "Jody Calls" like:

    I don't know but I've been told
    Eskimo pussy is mighty cold

    The day is hot, your pants are tight
    Your Balls are swinging from left to right

    Perhaps my favorite erotic song comes originally from "The Merry Muses of Caledonia" by Robert Burns, and is know as "The Ball," "The Ball of Ballynoor," The Ball of Kirrimure," or "The Gathering of the Clans." It tells the story of a wedding party, and there are literally hundreds of verses and variants in oral tradition. I have been told that it is the equivalent of "Jody Calls" for the Scottish military. Here is a small sample of lyrics:

    The village magician he was there
    Doing his vanishing trick
    He pulled his foreskin over his head
    And vanished into his prick.

    The mathematician he was there
    Goin' at it some
    Figuring out by Algebra
    The time when he would come

    The bride was in the corner
    Explaining to the groom
    The vagina, not the rectum
    Is the entrance to the womb

    There was doin' in the parlor
    And doin' on the stair
    You couldna' see the carpet
    For the cum and curly hair

    And when the ball was over
    The opinion was expressed
    The music it was wonderful
    But the doin' was the best.

    And no discussion of these classic songs would be complete without mentioning "Christopher Columbo," another song with thousands of verses.

    Columbo said to the Queen of Spain
    Give me ships and cargo
    I'll be a dirty son of a bitch
    If I don't bring back Chicago

    Chorus
    They say the world is round-o
    They say it can be found-o
    That masturbating fornicating
    Son of a Bitch Columbo

    Columbo had three lofty ships
    Each one a double decker
    The queen, she waived her handkerchief
    Columbo waived his pecker.

    Columbo had a cabin boy
    The dirty little nipper
    Lined his ass with broken glass
    And circumcised the skipper

    For 40 days and forty nights
    They sailed the broad Atlantic
    Columbo and his lousy crew
    For want of a piece were frantic

    They spied a whore upon the shore
    And off came shirts and collars
    In twenty minutes by the clock
    She made $10,000.00

    For 40 days and 40 nights
    They practiced fornication
    And when they sailed they left behind
    Ten times the population

    The song ends with Columbo giving the pox (Syphilis) to the Queen, and infecting all of Europe. Indeed, many of these songs include just punishment for the deeds recounted.

    For those really interested in the subject, there are books, but mostly our of print. I highly recommend "The Erotic Muse" by Ed Cray, "Dirty Song Book" by Jerry Silverman, and "Roll Me Over" edited by Harry Babad. I was amazed to discover that this out of print song book is selling used for $85.00. The original cover price is $3.95. Another great source for this material is records, especially from folk singer Oscar Brand, who seems to have become respectable in recent years, based on what is available on CD.

    Anyone who has lyric sheets they would like to share of this sort of material, I would love to see them.

    • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Updates:

    • new volumes for: Sabrina Salerno, Stefania Sandrelli, Holly Sampson, Shari Shattuck, Emmanuelle Seigner
    • updated volumes for Carol Laure, Diane Lane

     

    Other naked crap:

     

    Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Brainscan
    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    The DVD of "Striptease" said it was an unrated version with extra scenes. I saw it so long ago I can't be sure but it seems the extras include longer performances from some none-Demi clothing-removal engineers, two whole new scenes and maybe even some greater length to Demi's takin-it-off. Which is sorta my way of preparing all y'all for 36 collages of Demi alone. Sending in some cheesy thumbs so very little description is necessary. One thing is that other than the scene where Demi strips in front of Burt Reynolds (collages 24-36) my favorite of the bunch is 17. And if there is any place in this movie where Demi gives us a peak at the lower goodies it is 19.

    Hankster
    'Caps and comments by Hankster:

    Today we take the old time machine on another trip back in time to 1972 and a visit to an obscure flick called "Pleasures of a Woman" which starred Uschi Digard and Rene Bond, two of the better known soft core porn stars of that era. Now IMDB lists this little gem as being a 1974 release, but the DVD box says 1972 which I went with and actually I think it might have been even earlier than that because Rene is pre-boob job in these pics and other movies I have show her with bigger tits in 1972.

    IMDB lists Uschi Digard aka Uschi Digart among other names she used as the only actress in the movie, but it's Rene Bond who plays her niece.

    Our visit begins with Uschi pleasuring herself with a shoe as Rene spies on her. Then Rene has a romantic encounter with a man, but then it's back to Aunt Uschi and the rest of the movie is a lesbian romp with these two porn stars as they show us every inch of their beautiful bodies.

    More of Rene coming soon with bigger boobs.That's it for today.Were outta here.

    • Uschi Digard (1, 2, 3)
    • Rene Bond (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
    • Digard and Bond (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    Penman
    Audrey Marie Anderson Topless while lying on a slab in the morgue in scenes from Billy Bob Thornton and Patricia Arquette indie film "The Badge".

    Patricia Arquette Also from "The Badge", Arquette shows off a great thong view.

    Daryl Hannah Soaking wet t-shirt and brief toplessness from her very first nude scene in the 1982 movie "Summer Lovers".

    Elizabeth Hurley Liz in a bra. Scenes from the indie flick "Double Whammy".

    Mira Sorvino
    (1, 2)

    		Mira shows some very nice cleavage in "Wisegirls" (2002).

    Don Juan
    Lexa Doig
    (1, 2, 3)

    		The petite, exotic looking actress best known from the syndicated series "Andromeda", in scenes from "The Tracker". Topless in links 1 and 2, an upskirt in #3.

    Phoebe Cates
    (1, 2, 3)

    		One of the best known nude scenes in cinema history, Phoebe getting out of the pool and baring her breasts in scenes from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High"

    Michelle Bauer
    (1, 2, 3)

    		Long time B-movie babe, and former Pet of the Month (July 1981) in scenes from one of her first movies "Café Flesh" (1982). By the way...she began her film career under the name Pia Snow and her ealry films (like this one) were hardcore.

    Blackshine
    First up, a few from the 2003 Pirelli Calendar


    Next, some assorted unknown babes,

    Celeblover
    Alexa Surholt Brief breast exposure in scenes from and episode of "In aller Freundschaft".

    Esther Seibt A nipple sighting as she's lying in bed. More scenes from the German TV series "In aller Freundschaft".

    Hendrikje Fitz Yup, you guessed it, even more breasts from "In aller Freundschaft".

    Ina Rudolph Excellent breast exposure as she gets out of a shower. Also from "In aller Freundschaft".

    Mignon Remé Topless, and maybe a slight hint of pubes in love scenes from "St. Pauli Nacht" (1999).

    Susanne Hermann From the German TV series "Unser Lehrer Dr. Specht". An all nude appearance with clear breast and bum views.

    Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    ANTI-SUV CAMPAIGNERS ACCUSED OF HYPOCRISY
    Don't Forget The Lear Jet - The New York Post reports that many of the celebrities backing those ads that accuse SUV owners of helping terrorism waste lots of fuel themselves. Gwyneth Paltrow's neighbors complain that not only does she drive a Mercedes SUV, she parks it on the sidewalk while shopping. Chevy Chase also drives an SUV. And producer Norman Lear, one of the people spearheading the campaign, violated city height restriction laws by building a 45-foot-tall garage to hold his 21 cars.

  • Air-conditioned, of course...
  • Yes, but he has 21 cars so he won't have to drive his SUV all the time!
  • Chevy Chase denied driving an SUV, although he IS living in a van down by the river.
  • Gwyneth claims she's saving on gas: her SUV runs on French perfume.


    TOWNSHEND ADMITS ACCESSING CHILD PORN
    See Me, Feel Me, Don't Touch Me - Pete Townshend of The Who may be in legal trouble after admitting he once used his credit card to access a child porn website. But he insisted he's not a pedophile and that it was for "research purposes": he's a longtime campaigner against child abuse and wanted to see what he was fighting. Also, he said he thinks he might have been abused as a child, and he's writing a book about it and wanted to jog his memory. Jerry Hall rushed to his defense, saying Townshend had advised her on how to keep her kids from accessing Internet porn.

  • Lesson 1: Keep them away from Pete Townshend's computer.
  • Her kids don't need to access porn: they spend weekends at Mick's house.
  • It was also research for the next Who album, entitled "Who Are You Kidding?"
  • He did a search on the lyric "Tommy, Can You Feel Me?" and that site just popped up.
  • If he is charged, his lawyer will attempt to get a jury that's deaf, dumb and blind.


    JULIA WINS "PEOPLE'S CHOICE" FOR NO REASON
    Pretty Predictable - At last night's "People's Choice Awards," voted on by "the people," Julia Roberts was named Favorite Movie Actress for the fourth straight year, even though she made only one movie, "Full Frontal," a bomb that almost nobody saw.

  • Yes, but it was your average moviegoer's favorite title of 2002.
  • If they HAD seen it, the favorite actress would've been Sandra Bullock.
  • If the Academy Awards worked like this, Julia would be collecting her 13th consecutive Oscar for "Pretty Woman."