|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Junior is traveling, and will be back tomorrow, so I
am your compère for the evening's vaudeville.
Birth Rite (2003)
The film begins as two witch-hunters raid a mystical ceremony.
The coven gathers around the altar, on which a little girl is lying.
By the end of the incident, only three people remain alive. The
little girl is rescued, one of the witch hunters survives, and one
of the warlocks escapes in the hustle and bustle.
Fast forward 12 years. The witch hunter adopted the little girl
and raised her with his own children. She turns 18. The warlock
comes back for her. Well it turns out that she's the Grand Poobah of
the Order of Witches, Local 33, and he was betrothed to her from the
time she was born. When she turned 18, he came to claim her. It's
good to know that those with satanic powers respect the age of
majority at 18.
You don't need to know any more, do you?
This movie is pretty much what you'd expect, which is to say
"drive-in quality", except that the woman who plays the lead,
Natalie Sutherland, is actually a good actress, so the film is not
as unnatural as some of these Grade-B project can be. In fact, she
does a remarkable job considering that she appears to be a
30ish sitcom actress from Scotland playing an 18 year old
American high school student.
Too bad she didn't write the script, because at one point the
all-powerful warlock, who can travel through time, become invisible,
and relocate instantaneously, is defeated by a high school student
with a passing knowledge of the martial arts. And then the end of
the film is one of those "superman turns back time by flying
backwards" things. Yuck!
B-movie divas Brinke Stevens and Julie Strain appear in fully
dressed cameos. Stevens is in a post-sexual phase of her acting
career, but Strain looks hot - as good as I've seen her look in
It is rated a dismal 3.2 at IMDb. While agree that it is a poor
film, I guess it is a C-. A very low-end genre film which
genre addicts may find barely adequate.
- Natalie Sutherland (1,
The Believer (2001)
The Believer is
basically another version of American History X. Very serious movie,
with the central theme being that bigotry is essentially
The official plot summary: "A young Jewish man develops a
fiercely anti-Semitic worldview. Based on the true story of an
American Nazi Party leader in the 1960s who was revealed to be
Jewish." Use the link above for details.
one airline runs controversial commercials featuring Iraqi Info Guy as a
spokesman for their competitor.
If the price is right, John Tesh will wish you a happy anything
if you missed it, here's the international trailer for T-3, with
Following sexual harassment
allegations against an Ohio University professor who took nude or
partially nude photographs of student models,
OU may forbid such activities in the future.
OJ says, contrary to previous reports,
he will NOT be in a reality show
Constant 'Joke' Calls From White House Putting Further Strain On
Relations Between US And UN
A prominent Republican fund-raiser who once said former President
Bill Clinton was "a terrible example to our nation's young people"
pleaded guilty yesterday in Baltimore Circuit Court to production
of child pornography. Hey, I don't know why people are so
upset about this. He was just establishing his credentials as an
expert on the topic of our nation's youth. By the way, he was
sentenced to probation, although he had sex with, and took naughty
pictures of, minors.
odd stuff, proving that just about anything can be found on the
web The Stewardess Uniform
to do explicit hardcore oral sex scene? Page Six says so
Sinead O'Connor retiring from the music business. Wow! She was
in the music business? Who could have guessed?
you are not going to believe this.
Naomi Campbell says she has a personal network of intelligence
agents across the globe, and it turns out that she knows where bin
Laden is. As far as I can tell, unlikely though it seems, the article is not kidding.
Senator Santorum is being spun mercilessly from both directions.
Here are Rick Santorum's actual, unedited words, transcribed
from a tape of the interview. The following are quoted verbatim.
- "if the Supreme Court says that you have the right to
consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to
bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to
incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to
anything. Does that undermine the fabric of our society? I would
argue yes, it does." Again, as I pointed out with the Naomi
Campbell article, it does not appear that he was kidding. It seems
that he actually believes that the right to consensual sex with
other adults within your home undermines the very fabric of
- "I have no problem with homosexuality. I have a problem with
homosexual acts." (Personally, I have no problem with bagpipes,
but I hate bagpipe music. If I were dictator, you would be allowed
to own all the bagpipes you like, but don't let me catch you
playin' them sumbitches.)
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick
Locke, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Werewolf Woman (1976) is an Italian production that tries to merge
pseudo-science and Lycanthropism. A young woman is clearly mentally disturbed,
and when she discovers a family legend and a picture of one of her ancestors who
was a werewolf that looks just like her, she begins to imagine herself a
werewolf. She has been disturbed since she was raped at 13. Her first victim is
her sister's husband, after she watches them have sex. She then escapes from a
mental hospital, and kills several more, then meets a "nice guy," starts an
affair with him, and seems to be getting better. A gang rape, and the gang's
murder of her boyfriend sends her over the edge completely.
Annik Borel as the werewolf shows everything even before the opening credits,
and several other times in the film. The beautiful Dagmar Lassandar shows
everything as well as her sister. An unknown peasant woman also shows everything
before Borel kills her. Another unknown shows a doctor a breast in the mental
IMDB readers have this at 3.4 of 10. From my viewpoint, the pseudo science
required way too much exposition, causing the film to be way too talky. The DVD
is a wide screen transfer, and has an interview with the director, but the
transfer quality shows the age of the original material. This is a C-.
'Caps and comments by Brainscan:
Tuna is the Cal Ripken of celebrity imaging: MVP performances season after
season, shows up for work every day come what may, delivers in the clutch. And
he's the one got me into this DVD capping game. So when I had the time to take
a good look at some of Tuna's caps I figured I'd run home to mama and make a few
seamless collages out them, just like the good old days. In alphabetical order:
Alex Meneses in Auto Focus, with the kind of sneak-a-peak exposure that teenage
boys dream of.
Andrea Thompson, former CNN correspondent (har, fucking har) with the kind of
exposure grown men dream of in A Gun, A Car, A Blonde. I'm pretty sure she
didn't play either the Gun or the Car.
Arielle Dombasle, topless descending stairs, in Pauline At the Beach.
Barbara Leigh of exquisite face and form, in Student Nurses.
B movie actress and sometime pornstar,
Barbara Peckinpaugh, topless before a
mirror in Shadows Run Black (of course they frigging run black. Only white
shadow I ever heard of was a crummy TV show about a basketball coach).
Britt Nikols, unknown but cute as a button and topless and almost full-frontal,
all in Une Vierge...
Carmen Chaplin in one-third of a welder's outfit in Snapshots.
showing one nicely proportioned hootie in Thirst.
Two collages of little known but well built and topless
Charity Rahmer (2) in
Cheerleader Massacre. Can you name one movie with Massacre in its title that
doesn't have a topless shower scene?
Corinne Clery (1,
2) in The Story of O. Nothing else need be said.
Diana Espen, aka pornstar April Flowers or April Summers or just plain Apil, in
Cheerleader Massacre. And yep, you guessed it... this is a shower scene.
Diane Keen revealing one breast in Sweeney.
Three collages of Dixie Lee Peabody (1,
3) in Night Call Nurses. Topless in all three.
Inid Som as a fully nekkid abducted babe in The Abductors.
Joan Severance in a see-thru outfit in See No Evil (nope, sure don't. No
evil to be seen there.)
The late and luscious Lana Clarkson in Barbarian Queen 2, showing why those who
capped her movies thought she was one of the greatest creations on the planet.
Laura Albert (1,
2), uncredited but topless as a stripper in Road House.
Marian Aguilera, fully frontally nekkid in La Ciudid de los Prodigios.
Maria Rojo forcibly topless in Candy Stripe Nurses.
Marina Sirtis in Blind Date, a scene capped at least fifty times before, but
Tuna flat-out nailed Counselor Trois' best topless exposure.
Richmond Baier, cute little brunette running throught the woods in The Groove
Tube. A famous performance by someone never heard from again.
Romy Windsor in The Thief of Hearts.
Sharon Hart Cleary, as seen in a mirror in The Attic Expeditions.
And one of the most famous scenes in movie history, Sharon Stone (1,
2) opens up to a
police interrogation in Basic Instinct. A topless scene with Mr. Zeta-Jones is
thrown in for good measure.
Former Pet Shauna O'Brien showing off her augmented mammoplasts in Scandal: The
Suzanna Hamilton (1,
2) , fully frontally nekkid in 1984. This has to be the winner of
Greatest Exposure in An Otherwise Serious Movie award.
Four collages of Tamie Sheffield (1,
4) in Cheerleader Massacre, marvo-hooter
exposure in the first three, some bum in 4. Now, why four collages? Cuz Tamie
is sorta, kinda famous. Not just another B movie babe is she, no siree. Seems
she was also a Fear Factor contestant in the March 3rd episode. IMDB says she
won that puppy, too. Had to eat cheese crawling with maggots. So what's so
damned fear-provoking about that? Disgusting, repulsive, terminally stupid?
Yah, you betcha. But fearsome? Not so far as I can see. About the only thing
I'd be afraid of is getting puke all over my clothes.
Tanya Roberts in a kick-ass, boob-exposing scene from the PG-rated Beastmaster.
Teri Geary, in a triple-B performance in Auto Focus.
And last up, appropriately so, is the goddess among nekkid famous babes,
Digard in The Godson. Topless in a bath tub.
So alls I gotta say is, waytago Tuna, attaboy and may you continue to cap until
movies go truly 3-D.
When You Comin' Back, Red Ryder?
The last hour of this 1979 movie is basically a Marjoe Gortner monologue. For
those who don't remember him, Marjoe is a preacher-turned-actor who was popular
for a while back in the 70s.
Hey, we made a lot of mistakes in that decade. Two words: disco ball.
Marjoe plays a psychotic drug dealer who holds a bunch
of people in a diner so he can terrorize them. Many people would say "so he can expose
the hypocrisy of American society", but those people are in serious need of
psychological counseling. It plays out kinda like Blue Velvet for rednecks. Marjoe
had been working steadily before this movie, but it would be many years before
he would be offered another film role after this bizarre performance.
- When it came to nudity in the late 70s, Candy Clark (1,
4) was money. If she was
in the cast, you could expect a look at her naughty bits. Then the eighties
arrived, she put her clothes on, and kept them on. Now 55, she is still
working. I saw her not too long ago in a youthploitation thing called Cherry
- Lee Grant. No face.
Could be anyone.
French actor/singer/model Vanessa Paradis, former main squeeze of Johnny Depp,
naked in public. (1,
2) In terms of
paparazzi-friendliness, she's the Liz Hurley of France. In fact, she's better
than Hurley because Vanessa doesn't even cover up the bottom half of her body in
public. I suppose she's more like the Victoria Abril of France.|
Here are a
couple more of Ms Paradis. (1,
2) No real nudity in
these fashion magazine shots, but they are sexy.
Since Brainscan's pics reminded me of her, here're a couple of beautiful
images of Arielle Dombasle. The first shows the bottom of her
boobs, the second just her magnificent, flawless, seemingly ageless face. (1,
Cheryl Shepard in an
episode of "In aller Freundschaft"
Full-frontal nudity from Anneke Kim Sarnau in "Juls
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
The Dixie Chicks will appear nude on the cover of next week's "Entertainment
Weekly," with epithets such as "Saddam's Angels" and "Big Mouth" written on
their bodies. Martie McGuire said they're not trying to be provocative but to
show the absurdity of the criticism of their anti-war stance, adding, "It's not
about the nakedness, it's that the clothes got in the way of the labels."
* In this picture, they're not even wearing clothing
* Actually, they look more like Uday's Angels.
* At least in this picture, nobody will notice their big mouths.
* The important thing is that nobody should mistake
this for a cheap ploy to boost record sales.
University of Wisconsin police charged student Anthony Scholfield, 22, with
burglary for pulling off perhaps the biggest panty raid of all time. They say
they found 854 pairs of women's underwear that were stolen from women's
apartments in Menomenee hidden in his home,
stuffed in containers in his closet and filling his dresser drawers. They say
he swiped only small or extra-small.
* So they would fit him.
* They were mostly thongs, so even the large ones are extra small.
* He did this after drinking a lot of tiny bottles of stolen liquor.
* His parents DID tell him to go to college and accomplish great things...
* Wait'll he has to tell his cellmate he's the first man to get prison time for
a panty raid.
The Boston Athletic Association apologized to residents for some of the
runners in Monday's Boston Marathon. Homeowners say the runners, both male and
female, urinated and defecated in their yards, the women dropped used tampons,
and the men pulled down their shorts to rub Vaseline on their privates to reduce
chafing. A spokeswoman said 460 portable toilets were brought in, but there are
always some people who don't adhere to the info in their runner's package.
* They were too busy rubbing Vaseline on their runner's
* If they did that in my yard, they'd BETTER be able to run damn fast!
* The Boston Marathon may have to be banned in Boston.
* The runners are now demanding a $10,000 settlement for infringing on their
right to pee in people's yards.
A 23-year-old California woman named Michel set up a website called
giveboobs.com to solicit donations to pay for implants to enlarge her 34A
breasts. Her target was $4500, and one donor pledged $500 to put her over the
top. She said, "My boobs would like to thank everyone who sent support and
contributions." She promised to put new pictures on the site after the surgery.
* But now, it'll cost you $24.95 a month to see them.
* Actually, her target was boobs, and plenty of them donated.
* After the surgery, she'll need even more support.
* Thank God donors didn't throw away their money by giving it to the March of
Dimes website or something!