"The Erotic Mirror"
The Erotic Mirror (2002) is one of the better Surrender Cinema offerings. It sports some lovely photography, 8 completely naked women, a little plot, and some comedy. At two hours, it is also one of the longer of their films. In the 20 minute nudity free opening sequence, a young couple come back from the city to their home town to vacation in her mother's house, while mom is traveling. The entire sequence is beautifully filmed in warm natural light aided by filters, and a pleasant soft focus. The plot kicks in in earnest when they stop off in an antique store, and she discovers a mirror that makes her horny. Of course she has to buy it. The thing is, the mirror doesn't make her want her husband, but rather herself and other women.
The antique store owner supplies the back story for the mirror, which belonged to the 100 year old plus madame of a local brothel who was trapped in the mirror with her jewels when locals burned her out. The better her orgasm, the more she sees the woman in the mirror, and she starts involving her doctor, old school friends, and finally a fortune teller in the sex to try and release the lady in the mirror. If this sounds like a setup for the usual Seduction Cinema women having the usual Seduction Cinema simulated sex with each other, you have been paying attention to my other reviews.
The good photography and lighting continued after the opening sequence. Night is designated using the standard blue tint, but not nearly as darkly as usual. One of these changes to a daytime shot with the same wonderful, warm, natural light as the opening sequence. In some of the outdoor sex scenes, they even went to the trouble of using a highlight light for the women's hair, just like a standard 5 light portrait studio setup. The film concludes with a 7 girl orgy and then a neat little surprise.
The beautiful Laurie Wallace played the lead, and was in every sex scene, including masturbation, sex with her doctor (A. J. Khan), sex with old school chums Misty Mundae and Esmerelda DellaRoca, another friend of a friend, Laura Renee and the fortune teller, Jade Duboir. The woman in the mirror, Darian Caine, joins in in the final orgy. All gave three B performances, as did Mistress Rheanon, in a comedy appearance as a nurse receptionist. She accentuated her bizarre appearance with boobs bigger than my head (much bigger) by using fish lips lipstick.
IMDb calls this 2.7, despite an actual average of 5.2. The film was to long for the plot and the sex scenes became tedious, but the photography was very nice for a soft-core effort, and 8 completely naked women fondling each other certainly meets genre expectations, making this a C.
Esmerelda DellaRocco aka Ruby Larocca
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Today I am wearing the color yellow.
What the hell am I talking about? Well, if you know
your Green Lantern mythology, you'll remember that he has complete
control over all time and space, virtually infinite power, except
that he has absolutely no power at all over anything yellow. With his magic
ring, he can make entire planets vanish without a trace, but he
can't pick up a #2 pencil. This probably explains why he got double
200s on his SATs.
As revealed cryptically by the hideous green DVD box, Alexander Payne, the creator of Sideways,
must have hired Green Lantern to cast a spell of infinite power
over the critics and the Academy, because by any measure of critical
approval, this was one of the ten best films of the year, perhaps
even in the top three. It
received an average of four stars from the major British reviewers
as well as our American super-panel. It is essentially a movie about
a critic - not a movie critic, of course, but nonetheless a person
whose raison d'etre is pronouncing judgments like "quaffable
but not transcendent." Given that there is a natural tendency for
critics to identify with the main character, perhaps that explains
some of their passion for this movie.
And passion there was. Here's a more complete look at its standing
by various measurements:
Motion Picture Academy:
The four tables above pretty much say it all. Sideways may have been
the best-reviewed film of the year, and it received the Golden Globe
for Best Picture, in the Musical or Comedy division. Critics saw it
as possessing the heart of Casablanca, the spectacle of Lawrence of
Arabia, the wit of Duck Soup, and the cultural significance of
Green Lantern's powers worked magnificently.
Except on me. I was wearing yellow when I watched it.
The real reason I am immune to its charms, I suppose, is that
director Alexander Payne actually invokes the powers of wine and
whine. The film is a long and rhapsodic elegy to the California wine
country and its industry, particularly the vintners of Central
California. In the film's seemingly infinite length, about half of
the dialogue is dedicated to some kind of wine talk: discussions of
favorite grapes and vintages, monologues about wine as a symbol for
life itself, parallels between the wine sampling of the characters
and their intrinsic natures. Snobbery and rhapsody.
Even when not clad in yellow, I am immune to this appeal. Oh, it's
obvious that the film is meant to appeal to middle-aged white people
from the professional classes, and I am one of those, but I'm just
not interested in wine or anything about it. I don't dislike wine;
it is simply not a part of my life. I am virtually a teetotaler. My
experience with wine is restricted to nursing the half glass of
champagne that the family pours for me so I can partake in Christmas
dinner toasts. Sometimes, every few years or so, I drink wine with a
restaurant meal if somebody else orders the bottle. I think it is
cool if you like wine. God bless ya. You have your thing, and I have
mine. You like some Pouilly-Fousse and a good meal, while I like to
shoot some top-grade heroin and seduce elderly nuns. Since my
peculiarities are less acceptable than yours, I have no right to
object to your love of wine, and I have no objection to your
snobbery when you are amongst one another. Go for it. But I do have
an objection to having to listen to your discussions. To me, this is
about as interesting as listening to geeks discuss Dungeons and
Dragons. I can't tell Chateau Lafitte from Boone's Farm. I don't
know jack about grapes or weather or soil or which years were good,
and I don't care to know about these matters, any more than I care
to memorize all the different types of orchids or to learn the
history of European soccer leagues. Wine talk just bores the living
shit out of me. Thus, every time the conversation turns to
oenological matters, I zone out and wait for somebody to change the
topic. Well, guess what? That's what all the conversations are about
in this movie.
Except for some whining.
When there is no wine lore on the docket, there is whine lore, from
the master of malcontents, the titan of the whiny talk-too-much
bitches, the live-action Eeyore himself, Paul Giamatti. Life is just
treating his character so unfairly because he's such a great guy and
such a genius, but his wife left him, his novels are rejected by the
publishers, and he is forced to make a living by teaching A Separate
Peace to Eighth Graders. Not only is this activity unrewarding
psychologically, but it is so unremunerative that he is forced to
steal money from his mother's secret stash. So he mopes his way
through life. He would like to think of himself as a connoisseur,
but he's really an alcoholic using his wine snobbery as a
rationalization to get drunk on wine purchased from the money in
momma's coffee can.
The film is about a one week road trip in which Giamatti's Eeyore is
matched with the Tigger of Thomas Hayden Church, a constantly upbeat
guy who has neither the time nor the inclination for negativity or
even for reflection. He just grabs impulsively for whatever he wants
at the moment, like a little child seeking gratification of his
immediate desires. As you can no doubt guess, his list of priorities
is topped by poontang.
There's nothing for me here. I'm not interested in wine or whine.
Poontang is good, but the only nudity was supplied by two guys and
some fat chick. (If you play for the other team, however, the film
is practically a wienerfest.)
Before it popped this in the DVD player, people told me that this
was a brilliant movie, so I approached it enthusiastically and was
astounded to discover that I seemed to watch it ... and watch it ...
and watch it, tapping my fingers and waiting for something
interesting or amusing to happen. When I finally surrendered to
boredom and put the DVD player on pause, it read 1:22. What the
hell! That's just about the length of an entire movie, and nothing
much had happened yet.
I am also astounded that so many award societies felt that this was
the best script of the year. It has its pleasures (especially for
wine lovers), but it is also filled with some sophomoric mistakes.
Some examples: (1) Tigger comes completely out of character when his
English teacher friend says that he doesn't want to be the first
author to commit suicide before his first work is published. Without
missing a beat, the goofy Church cites the example of John Kennedy
Toole, who committed suicide before the publication of A Confederacy
of Dunces. Sure, a person could know that ... if he was Ken
Jennings! In fact, I would even be surprised if the erudite Jennings
could have summoned that fact from his encyclopedic mind without at
least taking a little time to ponder it, and the Church character
was not supposed to be a scholarly, to say the least. (2) The
Virginia Madsen character is underwritten and in a couple of
instances, miswritten. She is underwritten in that she is basically
just an object for Eeyore to pursue. We don't know anything about
her except that she's divorced and loves wine. She is miswritten in
that we find out about her love of wine from a long, unrealistic
monologue which is written with the florid, verbose artifice of a
9th grade girl competing in an Original Oratory competition. Was
this pretty speech imagined by the Giamatti character in a drunken
delusion about his ultimate fantasy woman, or are we supposed to
believe she is a real person who talks about wine in off-the-cuff
conversations as if she were delivering JFK's inaugural address?
"I like to think about the life of wine. How it's a living thing. I
like to think about what was going on the year the grapes were
growing; how the sun was shining; if it rained. I like to think
about all the people who tended and picked the grapes. And if it's
an old wine, how many of them must be dead by now. I like how wine
continues to evolve, like if I opened a bottle of wine today it
would taste different than if I'd opened it on any other day,
because a bottle of wine is actually alive. And it's constantly
evolving and gaining complexity. That is, until it peaks, like your
'61. And then it begins its steady, inevitable decline." So ask not
what Montrachet can do for you ...
I'm not contending that this is a bad movie. Virtually every critic
and many other people think it is genius. But like a yellow bad guy
battling the Green Lantern Society, I am immune to its powers. I
thought it was pretty good, but not as good as its reputation, and
certainly not strong enough to be among the five Oscar nominees.
Let me soften my comments by saying that I did genuinely enjoy the
last quarter of this film, during which the boys finally did
something besides visit vineyards. There are some amusing moments as
they attempt to recover a wallet lost during a disastrous sexual
encounter, as they lose their tempers with some golfers playing
behind them, and as they stage a false car crash as a cover story to
explain to Church's fiancÚe why he looks like he has been beaten up
by an angry husband. (Or in this case, by a particularly feisty
lover who caught him in some lies.) If you read all of that back to
yourself, you'll realize that the final quarter of the film is a
fraternity road trip movie, except that the Deltas are now 40 years
old instead of 20. I guess I like that kind of movie.
A few other notes:
It amazes me that so many people found Virginia Madsen's awarded
performance to be a surprise. She has always been terrific. I think
I've enjoyed everything she has ever done. She's always been sexy,
credible and unique. The problem has been that she has done those
good things in some very small roles or in some very lame movies.
Paul Giamatti is one of the great character actors, but completely
clueless on the golf course. What a swing! I would be surprised if
he could break 200, and I know he couldn't have made that shot back
at the trailing foursome.
The over-commercialized "Frass Vineyard", the subject of so much
oenological contempt in the script, is actually the vineyard of my
boyhood idol, the king of the wild frontier himself, Fort Worth's
own Fess Parker. Get out your coonskin caps and remember, boomers!
Frass, by the way, is a word for insect droppings. The OED defines
it as: "The excrement of larvŠ; also, the refuse left behind by
boring insects." And perhaps even by interesting insects.
The New York Times argued that it was "the most overrated
movie of the year." Year, nothing! Maybe the most overrated of all
time. Right up there with Bringing Up Baby, Eyes Wide Shut, Titanic,
The English Patient, The Piano, The Rocky Horror Picture Show,
Return of the Jedi, Chariots of Fire, Out of Africa, and The Blair
Witch Project. In fact, it is possible to argue that is is more
overrated than any of those films, simply because the reviews were
so universally positive while those other films all have had
prominent detractors. Thinking numerically, I would still have to
lean toward Eyes Wide Shut, a 25/100 suckfest that critics promoted
into 75/100, as compared to Sideways, a decent 65/100 film elevated
by critics to 95/100
A Reason to Believe (1995)
The urge to create is not limited to the talented. In fact, I'd say
it probably strikes uniformly across all talent levels, meaning that
for every Orson Welles, with an urge to create matched by
overwhelming talent and intelligence, there are a hundred
Ethan Hawkes who really, really, really feel the urge to create
something, and churn out nothing better than masturbatory turtleneck
art pieces or obvious afterschool specials.
no fun to review the work of those sincere people who really want to
make a passionate statement about life or their pet social issues.
I'd much rather review the work of guys who view movies as a
business, entertainment, or marketing project, because it's easy to
crap on films like Pearl Harbor which are made with no greater
ambition than making the big bucks.
A Reason to Believe is one of those sincere, bumbling
films that are difficult to review. It deals with a very serious set of
subjects like date rape and the objectification of women. A woman goes
to party without her boyfriend, is date-raped by boyfriend's frat
brother, trouble ensues. The author has his heart in the right
place, but has no idea how to approach this weighty subject, so he
reveals his opinions by distributing pompous and obvious speeches
among the sympathetic characters and/or authority figures. It seems
like one of those "educational" films from the 1950s.
Something like this:
STONER: Gee, perfesser, women are, like,
saying they want sex when they dress sexy, aren't they?
PROFESSOR: There's where you're wrong, my
naive young friend. It is a woman's choice to ... (long obvious
SINCERE GIRL IN BACK OF CLASS: Yeah, and
besides Jimmy, how would YOU know what women want?
PROFESSOR: This is not a matter for laughter!
The characters are stereotypical. The situations
are obvious. The filming is barely above home movie quality. The
actors - just hopeless. They are about at the same level as your
local TV staff announcers being forced to do dramatic re-enactments
in public service announcements. The leading man of the film, the
boyfriend of the rape victim who dumps her because he doesn't
believe it was rape, is Anthony Quinn's son Danny, who was 31 at the
time, but playing a college kid.
Amazingly enough, this DVD of a forgotten film includes a full length
commentary by the author/director, and ten short featurettes about
the attempt to make and distribute a small, earnest, socially
concerned, inept movie in
a heartless freemarket. Of course, they didn't mention the "inept"
part. As I have implied, these people are clueless, and really believe that
they made something important and of great merit.
On the other hand, it is one of the top movies ever
filmed entirely in Ohio. Maybe THE top one, for all I know.
- Holly-Marie Combs collages (1,
2). You probably remember her from
Charmed. This is her one and only nude scene.
- Here is a zipped .wmv of Holly's entire nude scene. I left it
at full DVD size of 480 lines. This is a must-see, because you are
first shocked by the appearance of an erect penis in such a movie,
and then your shock turns to laughter as you realize that Combs is
placing a condom on a penis-shaped block of wood. If you look
closely enough, you might even conclude that the guy's pants are
The Last Days of the Iron Horse. Heartbreaking story of Lou
Now the Japanese have a perfectly sensible system for presenting
the news when their newsanchors are women. (VERY
Ann Coulter makes the cover of Time - and it's not a
report on trannies!
Hundreds of teenagers have been caught cheating in exams by
using their mobile phones.
MovieJuice! says "The Amityville Horror - Boo! Hiss!"
FilmJerk's Early Report for April 17
An artist who randomly vandalised nearly 50 cars for a project
said the owners should be happy they were part of his 'creative
- "Mr McGowan nailed his feet to an art gallery last year -
in protest against leaves. In 2003, he attracted the media's
attention when he pushed a monkey nut with his nose for seven
miles to 10 Downing Street in a protest over student debt."
- He protested leaves? To whom was the protest directed?
Cruise ship damaged by "freak" seventy foot wave.
Keith Carradine as George W. Bush?
Amityville takes #1 spot with a respectable $23 million in an
- This time of year, new movies usually bring in $30 to $40
million in a weekend. Because Amityville's $23 million was
basically the whole slice for newcomers, the second week
movies dropped less than usual (27-29%, compared to a normal
level of 40% or more)
- Sahara seems to be headed for a final tally in the
fifties, which doesn't seem bad until you see the production
budget: $130 million. That's a vast amount for an April movie.
- Meanwhile, Kung Fu Hustle continues to post amazing
per-screen numbers in its tiny pre-release.
- Next weekend will be very different from this one. Kung Fu
Hustle will expand to 2300 theaters, and three other films
will open in 1500 theaters or more: Kidman/Penn in The
Interpreter, the urban comedy King's Ransom, and Kutcher/Peet
in A Lot Like Love. The crowded field of debuts may cause some
steep drops for the carry-overs.
Mafia 'godmother' turns supergrass on own family
SI.com - 2005 Swimsuit
Six clips from A Lot Like Love, a romantic comedy with Ashton
Kutcher, Amanda Peet, Kal Penn, and Ali Larter.
- " It takes some people years to fall in love at first
sight... 'A Lot Like Love' is a romantic comedy about destiny,
connection and the frequently fuzzy line between chance
friendships and happily ever after. 'A Lot Like Love' traces
the relationship of Oliver (Kutcher) and Emily (Peet) who meet
on a flight from Los Angeles to New York seven years ago -
each of them declaring that they couldn't be more wrong for
Life keeps bringing them back together over the next seven
years, but the timing never seems right. As they struggle with
their different partners, careers and breakups, they turn from
casual acquaintances into trusted friends who can say anything
to one another. As they each search for love and a
relationship that's not fated for disaster, it takes seven
years for Oliver and Emily to figure out that maybe what they
really have is something...a lot like love."
The Amityville Horror runs away with the box office title on a
Mankind has only a 50-50 chance of surviving the 21st century.
More to the point, anyone reading this has a zero percent
Intel Dual-Core Systems Begin Shipping Monday
- "Intel Corp. officials said Friday that systems containing
its first dual-core processors will begin shipping Monday.
Systems from Dell, Alienware, and other OEMs will begin
rolling out, ending a wave of speculation as to when the
systems will actually ship. Analysts predict that very few
dual-core chips will be sold this year, in part because of
their premium pricing. "
Firefox has released Version 1.0.3 (Mostly security
Two Moscow-based Intel employees have setup a Wi-Fi hotspot near
the North Pole. I'm not sure if "hotspot" is really
an appropriate term in this case.
- Still no flying cars, but you say wou're ready for a
personal recreational helicopter? Take a look at the
AirScooter II Ultralight Vehicle
Subaru/Suzuki Turbo-charged ATV
Troy's Top 10 Celebrity Nip Slips (Flash animation)
Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
This week's Poll...
Email Scoopy Jr. with more nominees, comments or suggestions.
Here are the results of our most recent other polls...
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s
Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.
Who has the best bum in Hollywood?
Best All Time Television Comedy
Best Nudity in an Oscar-winning performance
The Top 20 Best Sex Scenes
'Caps and comments by Spaz:
"Chained Heat II" (1993)
Czechploitation classic finally released to DVD in the UK
recently. What many people don't know Lucie Benes is
better known in her home country
as Lucie Benesova and she's the November 1993 hefmag
czechmate for the Czech Republic edition.
- shower scene: Lucie Benesova and Kimberley Kates
both full frontal.
"Walking Tall: The Rock" (2004)
Needless remake of the classic and dumbed down to a PG-13 rating.
- Ashley Scott: fully clothed strip tease then fully clothed sex. Paging
Mr. Rock, please move your head. Thank you.
- various: fully clothed strippers, wet t-shirt
contestants, and slot jockey hoes. The waitress
in the last frame is April Telek
"Agent Cody Banks" (2003)
Dumb spy spoof starring Frank Muniz from Malcom in the Middle.
Strictly PG-13 fare.
"The Pit" (1981) aka Teddy
A movie so bad it's considered good. Re-released
on a fairly decent DVD with Hellgate on the flipside.
Grade-Z horror filmed in South Africa and starring
Ron Palillo best known as Arnold Horshack from
Welcome Back Kotter tv series.
"Too Fast, Too Young" (1995)
Canadian drama starring Michael Ironside and
hefmag polemate Katarzyna Figura
who appeared in several Polish hefmag editions.
"Killer Image" (1992)
Another Canadian drama starring Michael Ironside.
Polish-Canadian model Barbara Gajewskia showed her
beaver in a Girls of Canada hefmag spread
as Barbara Gajewska but this is her only role.
NOTE: We currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.
Some assorted odds n' ends from the Ghost today...
First up, the beautiful blonde babe showing some brief breast views in scenes from "100 Women" aka "Girl Fever" (2002).
Next, here are two video clips featuring Oscar winner Charlize Theron making her film as well as film nudity debut in "2 Days in the Valley" (1996). In our recent "Best Nude Debut, the 90's" poll, Charlize came in at #4.
- Charlize Theron zipped .wmvs
One more from the Ghost...here is the "Pirates of the Caribbean" flashing her breasts in scenes from the 2001 UK movie, "The Hole".
||Pammy doing the cleavage thing on her new FOX sit-com, "Stacked".
||The pint-sized star of "Veronica Mars" showing a little skin on Conan.
||The co-star of "The Chronicles of Riddick" showing some wonderbra cleavage on the series premiere of "Eyes". This is the new, private eye series on ABC starring the man who refuses to age, Timothy Daly. So far the buzz is pretty good. ABC may be on the way to claiming a Wednesday night Primetime victory with their "Lost", "Alias" and "Eyes" line up.
||Here is the co-star of the very short-lived series "Hawaii" looking great in a bikin during a recent guest spot on "The O.C.".
'Caps and comments by Oz:
"The Wilby Conspiracy"
The nudity in The Wilby Conspiracy comes from Prunella Gee when her nipple pokes out as she takes a bubble bath.
"The Night Before"
No nudity in The Night Before but "Full House" and "Summerland" star Lori Loughlin is down to her underwear. Not sure why I capped Theresa Saldana as well.
"A Time for Dancing"
A Time for Dancing is a TV movie about a girl dying of cancer and it wasn't bad watching. Larisa Oleynik is the girl and she shows some pokies.
Made in Kirstie Alley's slim period. In Madhouse we see her running around in her underwear. One silhouette is supposed to show her naked breasts but it is obviously not...either that or she is deformed.
- Kirstie Alley
"The War of the Roses"
The barest of nipple exposure by Kathleen Turner in The War of the Roses.
- Kathleen Turner
The nudity in Consequence comes from a stiff in a morgue and Nadia Kretschmer. Lola Glaudini comes close but is obviously wearing a patch when she takes a shower.
- Nadia Kretschmer
- Lola Glaudini
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