'Caps and comments by Tuna
A week and a half ago, they performed a cardioversion, and zapped me
into normal rhythm. I can now walk without getting winded, and have
surprised my cardiologist by staying in normal rhythm so far. I still have
a fatigue problem, probably caused by the medication I am still on, but am
well enough to get on with my life. Thank you to everyone who sent
well-wishes -- they really helped. As a good friend recently said, getting
old is not for sissies.
You I love (Ya lyublu tebya) (2004)
This is a Russian film billed as "One of the hottest gay movies you
will see this year." That is a rather safe statement, as I do not watch
many gay movies. Fortunately, this film is about a menage a trois among two men
and a woman. Moscow newscaster Lyubov Tolkalina comes home to discover her
boyfriend, ad exec Evgeny Koryakovsky, in bed with a young Kalmyk day
worker, played by Damir Badmaev. The film contrasts the exotic, simple and
poor worker, with the modern Moscow sophisticates.
IMDb readers have this at 7.9 of 10. It received an award from The New
York Gay and Lesbian Film Festival as best foreign film, and even the
Village Voice liked it. The love story holds its own, but the glimpse of
the new capitalist Russia and the racial subtext are at least as
fascinating, although there were cultural overtones that I am sure I
missed. It is in Russian with rather good subtitles. As it is shown
outside of Russia mostly to gay audiences, we will agree that the genre is
gay films, earning it a B. Even if you dislike most films with a gay
theme, you might well enjoy this one.
Highlights include the sex scenes and a rather bizarre make-over for Tolkalina that involves
electric shock. Tolkalina shows all three Bs, and is very easy to look at.
Modern Problems (1981)
Modern Problems is, in many ways, a typical Chevy Chase effort, minus
Beverly D'Angelo. Chevy plays Max, a harried air traffic controller who is
insanely jealous of everyone and everything, which lost him his first
wife, and has driven his current love interest Patty D'Arbanville to move
out. Toxic waste gives him telekinetic powers to use against the likes of
Dabney Coleman as an egotistical author, and Mitch Kreindel as a producer
who is spending time with Patty. The film reaches critical mass at the
home of Brian Doyle-Murray, an old High School friend who is now in a
wheel chair and is seeing Max's ex wife, Mary Kay Place.
While there are a few scattered laughs, the humorous highlight is Nell
Carter as a Port-O-Prince voodoo priestess and housekeeper to Brian
Doyle-Murray. The nudity is a single nipple from D'Arbanville while Max is
giving her multiple orgasms without touching her, using his powers.
Many of the characters are likeable, and Coleman is brilliant as the
resident asshole, but this is not enough to elevate this film above the C-
level. IMDb readers have it at 4.6. While fans of Chase will want to see
it, most will think of it as a waste of time, even at a short 89 minutes.
Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Welcome back to Tuna, the Sultan of Stills, the Viscount of Vidcaps,
the King of Kollages.
here, if you like.
If you believe the critics, this Tony Scott film is
wretched, all rock video sizzle, no steak.
Be that as it may, Keira
Knightley has a brief topless scene, so its got that goin' for it.. At
this point there are no captures better than these. We'll keep an eye open
for a screener, but don't hold your breath. This time of year they press
screeners so the academy members can see all the Oscar hopefuls. They
really don't make any comparable effort to win Razzies!
Evil Ambitions (1996)
This film is also knows as Satanic Yuppies.
How many times have you watched an overblown,
overproduced studio production like Coppola's "Dracula" and thought to
yourself "I could make a better movie than that in my basement with my
friends"? Well, the makers of this film thought the same thing.
These are the same people that made that enduring salute to The Bard,
"Live Nude Shakespeare", and the deeply touching "Chickboxin'
Underground." In this case, they
took a few grand and made a homemade video which is basically an
r-rated version of an old Night Stalker episode. (The reporter
character is even named McGavin).
That was a solid concept, and
or not, they started with decent script.
Beneath the shabby production values and amateurish execution, the plot is coherent, some of the
characters are interesting, and there are some very funny lines.
High priestess: "Do you take Satan to be your lawful spouse, in richer
and even richer ..... etc"
Bound and gagged victim: (makes fearful struggling noises)
High priestess: "I'll take that as a yes"
The Kolchak-like reporter has some pretty good wisecracks of his own,
and Satan himself is funny, not classically menacing, but the ultimate
achievement-oriented corporate guy, kind of similar to the Christian
Bale role in American Psycho. Real movie companies, with real budgets,
have filmed worse scripts than this. Much worse.
The film had a second strength. Eight reasonably
attractive women were willing to remove their tops for the camera.
So it was a good guilty pleasure movie,
Sadly not. The film's two potential
strengths were cancelled out by poor execution
- The script is OK for a few laughs, but that is
spoiled by a succession of cheap gimmicks which padded an hour's
worth of material to 90 minutes. (Like showing an entire wordless
modeling session and some satanic rituals in near-actual time, to no
point.) As a 60 minute film, this script would be tight. At its
existing length, it drags. The script is also ruined by amateur
actors who can't sell the humor. How bad is the acting? Let's just say this is
the one movie to go to if you really love the acting style in porno
films, but don't actually like porn. Most of the characters deliver
their lines either with exaggerated high school histrionics or in the same
flat monotone that you'd expect from local furniture store owners
reading their own TV commercials off cue cards. Of course, furniture
store dudes usually manage to deliver the lines without any
inexplicable pauses. These actors pause at completely inappropriate
times, as if waiting for the cue card guy to flip to the next page.
For example, the pause in "We still have tonight's ... (pause) ...
activities to arrange" was delivered with no sense of irony or
menace, but simply as if she couldn't remember the next word. (NOTE:
the guy who plays Satan is an exception. He was awesome! Very slick,
and very funny.)
- The women remove their tops, but that is also
spoiled by poor execution. The lighting is funky and too dark. The
colors all blend into one another. The focus is often blurred. The
audio and video quality of this DVD are not just bad by DVD
standards. They would be bad by VHS standards. It is not even at
the audio and video quality of good home movies. In fact, the
full-screen DVD looks like one of those direct VHS-to-DVD
transfers you can make at home to preserve your old video tapes.
With the film's two strengths negated by other
elements, its weaknesses stand out in stark relief. The fight scenes involve people falling off-camera. The
special effects consist of people leaning backward. The camera
movement consists of tilting the camera at an angle, ala 1960's
Bat-cam. The vivid realism of the make-up/wardrobe department
features an Ohio gubernatorial candidate with a pony tail.
will soon see, the film
quality really wasn't suitable for making collages. The thumbnails look
OK, but the full sized captures are pigs. In the following
stills note that there is also a stark naked woman providing full frontal
nudity behind Glori-Anne Gilbert in the first still. I don't know who she is.
Captures and comments from the Ghost.
Caroline Key Johnson in "Intimate Sessions"
Zipped .avis, caps, and comments by ICMS
Here I am again with 4 clips of Belgian beauty Natacha
4) I promised you that she would get much hotter, and so happens in the
Italian movie "Gialloparma" (1999). The film itself is supposed to deal with
Natacha's character coming back to her home town of Parma to take revenge on
the city's dignitaries who sexually abused her during her youth. Director
Alberto Bevilacqua, who also wrote the book this film is based upon, made a
complete mess out of this one. Nothing in this film seems to make any sense.
This flick is rated 3.6/10 based on 7 votes in the
IMDb which is in fact generous, considering the fact that 4 out of those 7
people only awarded it 1. There is only one review of this film in the IMDb as
well, and it couldn't reflect my opinion any better: "Parma ham is far better."
My clips come from an Italian TV-version that runs
for 117 minutes. In France there is a DVD available of Gialloparma, with a
topless Natacha on the cover, that runs only 89 minutes and with the very
French sounding title "Scandalous Crimes" or should that be Skahndaloose
Cream? I'd say avoid this film at all cost and just enjoy these film clips
with a triple B performance by a sometimes noisy Mrs. Amal, for they are the
only point of interest in this failure.
Last Man Standing is
an Aussie serial drama, self-described as follows: "Last Man Standing
follows the odyssey of Adam,
Bruno; their quest to get inside the
head of the modern woman, find out where they went wrong in previous
relationships and what they're going to do right next time."
Well, isn't that special!
At any rate. Here are three women who have
given it up for the team.
'Caps and comments by Hankster:
Yesterday we finished up "The Godson" so today we take a look at the second
movie on that Something Weird DVD "Below the Belt"
Barbara Rudnik in Ins Blaue
Carole Laure in Ange Femme
Isabel Sarli in Fievre Femmes
Cheryl Crow topless (paparazzi)
Cameron Diaz in a bikini with the bottom of her bum exposed (paparazzi)
Imogen Bailey in Man Thing
Sienna Miller spills out of her dress (paparazzi)
Star Trek babe Terry Farrell, still hot at 42, in a see-through (public)
Kristen Bell in Reefer Madness - the Musical
Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Interesting story from The Smoking
U.S. Military Interpreter Charged As Fraud "Mysterious Moroccan
worked in Iraq, had 'high-level' clearance "
Kung Fu Cockfighter in Five Minutes
- "Kung Fu Cockfighter is a rare x-rated kung fu flick from
1976. Sure, that sounds like a great idea, but it's actually long
and dull and contains surprisingly little kung fu cockfighting. So
I've condensed this odd little artifact down to a 300 second
The trailer for Stoned, A Brian Jones biopic
- "Brian Jones was more than just 'a Rolling Stone,' he was
their founding member, in 1962. His blonde hair, ambiguous glamour
and obvious talent inspired enormous curiosity, making him the
face of the Sixties revolution. In 'Stoned,' Stephen Woolley
charts the rise of the precocious Cheltenham teenager to fame and
fulfilment, and then re-creates the nightmare of his chaotic
plummet to a mysterious death, drowned in the swimming pool of his
secluded country estate."
The President's annual physical included a word-association test,
which clearly disproved that he has only one thing on his mind.
Homeless or Jesus?
A marvelous, raunchy New Yorker article about Sarah Silverman.
Is she the funniest woman in history?
Marlene Dietrich hated sex
"BUSH AFRAID HIS DAD LIKES CLINTON BETTER" ... Latest Worry for
- The elderly George Bush thinks of Clinton as the son he never
had - the literate one.
She can't be killed, just like that Jason dude.
Hilton Still Shooting 'The Simple Life'. Fox dropped it, but
apparently other networks are fighting to get it.
"Sharon Stone opened Louis Vuitton's new flagship store on Paris'
Champs-Elysee wearing apparently only a coat and nothing
underneath." I think we need to see the evidence that there was
Sylvester Stallone to reprise 'Rocky' role. He will turn 60 in
Charles Rocket, a former SNL cast member, has slit his own throat.
2005 NFL Cheerleading Tour - Day 25: Miami Dolphins
There are no cheerleading squads for Cleveland, Chicago,
Detroit, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, or either New York team, so that
makes day 25 the last stop on the 2005 tour. That leads us toward
Beachfront Avenue ... Miami ... South Beach. The entire area has
become synonymous with beautiful women, and for good reason. Take
one look at the
Miami Dolphins Cheerleaders and you can easily see how the
area got its reputation. Still not convinced? Take a look at the
swimsuit calendar. These girls are Victoria's Secret models
that can dance! Need one more example? How about a few hot shots
Maxim Magazine? There is no doubt these girls are beautiful.
Highlight any girl from the
team photo and you will see some jaw-dropping feature. Each
bio contains a video, and a postcard (nice twist on the bio). The
photo section is disappointing. It just takes you to a general
photo section, mostly with photos from last season. I would have
liked to have seen more photos for each girl. An expanded bio
section and an additional photo can be found in the Cheerleader of
the Week section, but that is just not enough. The history section
is standard, as is the news section. Highlights include
Kristine, but it really doesn't matter which one you choose
... they are all highlights! Any one of these girls would be tops
on any NFL squad. The web site is not the best in the NFL, but the
Rating 9.75 out of 10.
Scoop's note: Cheerleader Guy makes a
difficult point to dispute. I once lived in Coral Gables, Florida,
near the University of Miami campus. To this day, after having
been in fifty countries and every major city in the USA, I have
never found any place on earth with such a concentration of
beautiful young women - not even in Brazil.
Top 11 Signs You've Rented the Wrong Movie
- "The only two people in the movie are Paul Sorvino and Philip
Seymour Hoffman, and it's rated NC-17 for nudity and sexual
EDWARD R. MURROW AND JOE MCCARTHY COSTUMES TOP KIDS HALLOWEEN LIST
... The "Good Night, and Good Luck" promotion with McDonald's is
making the movie a big hit with kids.
Try these words on your lips: the American League Champion Chicago
- The last time the White Sox were in the World Series (1959),
their ace was Early Wynn. The last time they WON a World Series
(1917), their left fielder was Shoeless Joe Jackson.
Pat Reeder - www.comedy-wire.com
MIRACLE BROADCAST ON "TODAY SHOW"
Ernie Kovacs Lives - Friday, a classic blooper occurred on NBC's "Today Show,"
when Michelle Kosinski reporting live from a New Jersey flood, sitting in a
canoe. Two men walked in front of her, revealing that the water was only about
four inches deep. Anchor Matt Lauer struggled to keep a straight face, asking,
"Are these holy men, perhaps, walking on top of the water?" Ironically, it
aired just before a story accusing the White House of staging President Bush's
telechat with soldiers in Iraq.
* It accused them of trying it make it seem like Bush walks on water.
* The White House shouldn't stage news events! That should be left to
* Count on TV to provide you with shallow reporting.
* It's New Jersey...Those guys were just stepping on the floating bodies of
SCHOOL BANS CHARLIE DANIELS SONG
The Devil You Say! - The marching band at Hylton High School in Woodbridge,
Virginia, was told they can't play "The Devil Went Down To Georgia" anymore
after the school got one letter from the parents of some home-schooled students,
complaining it violated the separation of church and state.
* If I could find a church where they sang "The Devil Went Down To Georgia,"
* They think it's a Satanist hymn.
* Besides, when the school marching band played it, it sounded like Hell.
* Instead, they suggested "When the Saints Go Marchin' In."
* They're just jealous because their two home-schooled kids have a lousy
JESUS POKER CHIPS
Don't Gamble With Your Soul - An Arkansas Christian gift company called Kerusso
is cashing in on the poker craze by marketing "Faith Chips," gaming chips with
Bible quotes on them. They include "Jesus went all-in for you," "Ante up and
give your heart to Him" and "Accept Jesus before you cash in your chips."
Company founder Vic Kennett denies that they encourage gambling, saying the
chips are just a personal way to evangelize. For instance, you might leave one
at a restaurant with the tip.
* Or leave one that says, "The love of money is the root of all evil" instead
of a tip.
* You can also leave one at the Pearly Gates when St. Peter sends you to Hell.
* How about one that reads, "What would Jesus do? Hold 'em or fold 'em?"
* Jesus fed the multitudes on just one loaf of bread and two fish, so He also
inspired the 99-cent Las Vegas buffet.
MORE TIME AT SEX THAN AT CHURCH (CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!)
Does Screwing The French Count? - A study by Geo Wissen magazine found that on
average, Germans spend six weeks of their lives having sex, including 16 hours
having orgasms. But they spend six months in traffic jams, nine months doing
laundry and ironing, and 24 years, 4 months sleeping. But they do spend just
two weeks on religious activities, one third the time they spend on sex.
* They're praying for more sex.
* They never get beyond "Be fruitful and multiply."
* When they get to the gates of Heaven, they'll try to claim the 16 hours of
orgasms as a religious experience.
* Germans are so efficient, you'd think they'd be having sex during the traffic
* How did they categorize priests who were having sex at church?
DISCUSSING ART RELIEVES CONSTIPATION
Art Equals Crap - A researcher at Ersta Skoendal University College in Stockholm
had 20 women around 80 years old gather once a week for four months to look at
various works of art and discuss them. She said their attitudes and creativity
improved, their blood pressure went down, and oddly, they needed fewer laxatives
and suffered less constipation.
* They soiled their pants at the very sight of what passes for art these days.
* Maybe they just felt more creative because they were less constipated.
* And all it took was discussing art over a gigantic fruit plate.
"NANCY AND TONYA: THE OPERA"
Soap Opera - Next spring, Tufts University will debut a new musical work, "Nancy
and Tonya: The Opera." Librettist Elizabeth Searle wrote it using actual quotes
from the scandal surrounding Olympic skaters Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding,
and called it "the classic envy story." Searle said, "Girls in America are
either raised to be Tonyas or Nancys. I think any girl can relate to these two
women and what they went through."
* She's right: you're either the beautiful, popular girl, or the girl who wants
to break her kneecaps.
* Theater critics will be crying, "Why?! Why?! Why?!"
* Didn't the Tonya Harding story already get told in that "Jerry Springer"
* It's like "Aida," with the emphasis on "Aaaaiiiiieeee!!!!"
BARBIE FASHIONS FOR GROWN-UPS
Fashion Models Can Wear Actual Barbie Clothes - Mattel is expanding the Barbie
line to include designer clothes and accessories for adult women. They've signed
deals with top designers such as Anna Sui and Anya Hindmarch to create lines of
high-end Barbie-inspired clothes, such as $176 jeans with pink stitching, for "fasionista"
women aged teen through 30s. Mattel said the adult Barbie fashions are "aspirational":
when little girls see a teen or twenty-something carrying an Anya Hindmarch
Barbie bag, it will reinforce Barbie as cool and relevant.
* Relevant to who, Melania Trump?
* At least until they see a fortysomething woman carrying it.
* Nobody will tell her, but the thirtysomething Barbie looks fat in thosejeans.
* It's for women who don't think about the price because "math is hard."
* It will teach little girls to aspire to wearing overpriced clothes and having
big plastic boobs.
WOMEN KNIFE-FIGHT OVER MICROWAVE SOUP
Campbell's Kids - In Tamarac, Florida, two young female Walgreen's drug store
employees got into an argument over which one got to use the break room
microwave to heat her soup first, and one grabbed a kitchen knife and stabbed
the other in the abdomen. They wrestled over the knife, each getting cut, until
the manager broke it up. Both were treated, and the stabber was arrested. A
sheriff's spokesman said, "They didn't get along to begin with."
* They were always cutting each other down.
* Most retail store employees just stab each other in the back.
* At least now, nobody is fighting over who gets to use the kitchen knife.
OVERSEXED STATUES SELL BIG (CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!)
Wealthy Gay Russians - German artist Jonathan Meese is getting rich by charging
over $600,000 (US) to create bronze statues of wealthy Russian businessmen with
huge penises and six testicles. He hit on the idea as a way of expressing
virility and has already sold three of them. Meese said the first wealthy
Russian who asked for one to decorate his country house didn't flinch at the
price. He added, "Russians have learnt to appreciate the arts."
* Well, they don't know much about art, but they know what they like.
* It would take bronze testicles to display a statue like that.
* Any man who gets rich in Russia probably DOES have six testicles.
* This is what Russian men think they look like, after drinking enough vodka.
* Bill Clinton ordered one with 12 testicles and six penises.
NEW VIDEO GAME SPARKS CONTROVERSY
Just Like Being There! - A controversial new video football game called "Blitz:
The League" debuts today. It lets players attack and maim
opponents, take drugs to keep playing while injured and send virtual hookers to
their opponents' hotels to tire them out. It is not approved by the NFL.
* Well, the video game isn't...
* This is an entirely fictional league where the players behave better.
* It's true: video games just keep getting more and more realistic.
CRAIG IS NEW 007
The Man With The Golden Tapshoes - Friday, the James Bond movie producers
confirmed that blond actor Daniel Craig will be the new 007. A leaked memo from
the producers revealed that he was picked because Ewan McGregor was "too short,"
Eric Bana "not handsome enough," Colin Farrell "too sleazy," and Hugh
Jackman "too fey."
* They considered starring Hugh in "Bond: The Musical."
* Any one of them could play a Bond villain, though.
* And Adam Sandler "too Jewish"...And Pierce Brosnan "too greedy."
BEATLES ARE MOST INFLUENTIAL ENTERTAINERS
Marilyn Monroe Influenced Marilyn Manson - Variety ranked The Beatles as the
most influential entertainers of the past 100 years, beating out such icons as
Elvis, Charlie Chaplin and Mickey Mouse. The top 100 list also included
Sinatra, James Dean, Bogart, Marilyn Monroe and even Lassie.
* Lassie inspired the Beatles' hairdos...Lassie was also a male passing as a
female, making her the first of many Hollywood transvestites.
* If the Beatles were so influential, how come all the music today sucks?
* Too bad Chaplin wasn't more influential; maybe actors would stop talking.
ALBA WANTS TO INSPIRE FAT CHICKS
By Hollywood Standards, She's A Cow! - Jessica Alba said she wants to be a role
model for curvy women, and that girls "who aren't the skinniest things in the
world" will be more comfortable seeing her in a movie because it will make them
feel better about their own body image.
* Yeah, nothing makes a fat girl feel better about herself than seeing Jessica
Alba in a bikini.
* A Simmons Market Research study of 19,000 gay and lesbian adults found that
"Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" is the most popular show with gay viewers, but
#2 is "South Park"
... They got hooked because Episode #1 was called "Cartman
Gets An Anal Probe"
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