Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
- Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site has been updated, with a nice mix of old
and new, including a look at Emmanuelle Béart in 2004's
Continuing with the French theme ...
Combien tu m'aimes?
This movie doesn't even come our in France until October, but we already have
nude pics of Monica Bellucci. This brings us to Scoopy's Top Two Best Things
About the French Cinema
1. Some French dude married Monica Bellucci, thus getting her beautiful
presence into French movies.
2. Three words: naked publicity stills.
Those two things are especially good when considered together. In fact, I
think I could consolidate them down to one thing: naked publicity stills of
Andrew McCarthy, action hero?
Yup, it is the same Andrew McCarthy whose career in the 80s consisted of
playing the teenager who took himself far too seriously. And that was the 80s,
when everyone else was just trying to have fun. Amazingly, McCarthy is still
playing a 40ish variant on that same theme. In Crusader, he plays an
investigative TV reporter for an up-and-coming international news station in
Barcelona and he accidentally stumbles upon a major scoop when he receives a
dying competitor's priceless action footage and decides to use it as his own.
The footage was obtained through raw courage in the face of a terrorist
attack, so McCarthy becomes a cause celebre, and receives an offer from a
super-sized news organization ala CNN or Sky News. Immediately, he seems to
develop incredible contacts and to break story after story. It is only upon
reflection and through some accidental discoveries that he begins to suspect
that everything he has reported has been orchestrated to seem what it is not, as
part of a global plot to gain an information monopoly. The conspiracy runs so
deep that everything McCarthy has believed may be false, and everyone McCarthy
thinks he can trust - his boss, his contact at interpol, etc - may just
turn out to be another one of the many heads of the conspiracy hydra. He starts
to wonder if his original lucky scoop was also somehow tied into the master
This is another serviceable B-level thriller from
Bryan Goeres, who seems to
specialize in international intrigue centered in Barcelona. This is the third
such effort I've seen from him, following Art Heist and Face of Terror, and all
three films feature a B-list American lead (McCarthy, William Baldwin, Rick
Shroeder) battling conspiracy in Barcelona, all the while unable to speak a word
of Castillian or Catalan. All of the films are respectable plot-driven films of
made-for-TV caliber, none of them possessing any real originality, but all
delivering a competent product capable of filling out cable schedules with some
inexpensive original programming. They are the kind of films that you would
never go out of the way to watch, but if you flop down on the couch and chance
to catch them on cable, they do not drive you instantly to the remote. In fact,
I thought Crusader was pretty good in the first half when it concentrated on the
brain power and legwork necessary to unravel the mystery. The second half is
less appealing because it devolves into an action film with the formerly wimpy,
conflicted, guilt-driven McCarthy suddenly transformed into a heat-packin'
journalistic equivalent of Indiana Jones. Like most failed action thrillers,
Crusader relies on too many coincidences and improbable circumstances to assure
the survival of the hero when he is being pursued.
- McCarthy is about to be assassinated by a
mercenary on a train platform when the arriving train suddenly floods the
scene with a convenient crowd, enabling him to escape. The mercenary actually
had the gun pointed and was in the process of squeezing the trigger.
- Not too much later, McCarthy was helpless
in the gun sight of another conspirator - same deal, gun pointed and trigger
pulling pack - when the baddie was suddenly killed himself by a minor
character of whose presence we were not then aware (and who we thought to be
- My favorite scene involves a mercenary
who chases McCarthy through the concession stand at a soccer game. Although
the concession stand is filled with freshly-prepared food and the arena is
chock-a-block with screaming futbol fanatics, there is nobody in the
concession area except McCarthy and the mercenary. No employees, no customers,
not a soul.
Except for the string of outrageous
contrivances, the only really weak element of the film is that the minor roles
are all filled in by people who speak little (or no) English. Many of whom seem
to be pronouncing the syllables phonetically, because they stress all the wrong
syllables within words, and and all the wrong words within sentences, like a
high school student who ignores the meaning of Shakespeare's words by trying to
deliver blank verse in a perfect iambic beat. "Shall
I com PARE thee
TO a SUM mer's
DAY?" Most of
these actors had small parts, but Ana Alvarez had a large part as McCarthy's
once and future girlfriend, and she was sometimes completely incomprehensible.
The film is in English, but she needed English subtitles.
The most noteworthy element of this film,
for better or worse, is the supporting cast. As usual in all newsroom or
newspaper dramas, there is a cynical, skeptical hard-edged Lou Grant type who
trains the reporters, drives them hard, and makes them dig deeper. Guess who
plays this part? Your time is up, so I'm going to turn over all the cards and
say "Bo Derek." The interpol agent is played (quite competently) by Richard "Bama"
Tyson, the former boy-toy from such efforts as Red Shoe Diaries and Two
Moon Junction. The head of the gigantic global meta-network is played by Michael
York with his usual meticulously embalmed looks and vaguely sinister charm.
Bo Derek (face only - wow!-
still a mega babe at age 48!)
The Crimson Ghost
'Caps and comments by Hankster:
Hi Scoopy, and everyone !
As I mentioned yesterday I'm sending in some clips that will probably
interest Fun House readers.
Or doesn't Phoebe Cates in "Paradise" look good?
This film was on German digital TV about a month ago or so at 11
a.m. on Sunday and you can be sure that I was there to record it. I've
got 8 clips in all, totalling 6 minutes and 30 seconds of Miss Cates
undressed. I recorded this with a DVD/harddrive recorder in the best
possible quality which I hope is mostly preserved in these DivX clips.
The copy that was aired was of very good quality in a 4/3 full screen
version with German audio. I'll be sending in two clips a day so you
all know what to expect in the next four days. As you guessed right in
your review in the movie house the Aames' willie was blurred for Asian
purposes, in this German version you can see how it's hanging, but not
yet in today's clips. That's for later, so don't say you hadn't been
warned. If you're interested in 15 great collages, please take a look
at Scoop's beautiful work in the November 2, 2004 edition.
Zipped .avis in DivX format (1,
Words and pictures from Dann:
Layer Cake (2004)
Quadruple-crosses are the order of the day in this very cool 2004
British crime/thriller. It has an intricate and twisty plot, but the
well-done script and acting allow you to keep up, provided you pay
A very successful cocaine dealer is planning early retirement after one
more deal. He considers himself a businessman, not interested in dealing
with the street-level element, just a middleman supplier. He wants no part
of the dirty side of the business, and he simply wants to finalize his
last deal on one large shipment and retire. Unfortunately, even when
dealing with upper-level players, double-crosses are not uncommon, and our
guy finds himself betrayed by several people he had trusted.
This is a fun, action-filled crime flick where there really aren't any
good guys (including the hero), and although it is played seriously, there
is still a nice comedic element to it. Very enjoyable.
heard of Kinky Kerry, but I understand she's
a fairly well-known British porn star.
|Dragonscan looks at Karen Silas in
| Juliette Lewis in Kalifornia
|Michelle Forbes in Kalifornia
|Heidi Klum pregnant and stark naked
Here are the latest movie reviews
available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
President's Private Note to Brother in Christ Pat Robertson on
His Freelance Diplomatic Overture to Venezuela (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)
President Bush wants to put his mom on the $100 bill. Isn't
she already on the one dollar bill?
Anthony Hopkins is set to star in 'Bobby,' Emilio Estevez's
passion project about the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy.
- Demi Moore is in negotiations to join the cast.
- The ensemble film chronicles the intertwining lives of a
grand cast of characters, all of whom are present at Los
Angeles' Ambassador Hotel in the hours leading up to Kennedy's
assassination. Hopkins will be the hotel's doorman, and Moore
will portray a lounge singer.
Real superhero comic books - stuff that seemed normal then,
but really seems weird now
Top Secret 'Saw II' Website Launched
The trailer for Memoirs of a Geisha, which is based on a
best-selling novel about a poor fisherman's daughter (Zhang Ziyi)
who becomes one of Kyoto's most renowned geishas.
Grimm news for Gilliam is that he seems to have a flop
Two new clips from The Exorcism of Emily Rose
- In an extremely rare decision, the Catholic Church
officially recognized the demonic possession of a 19 year-old
college freshman. Told in terrifying flashbacks, "The Exorcism
of Emily Rose" chronicles the haunting trial of the priest
accused of negligence resulting in the death of the young girl
believed to be possessed. Inspired by true events, the film
stars Laura Linney as the lawyer who takes on the task of
defending the priest (Tom Wilkinson) who performed the
Five clips from Underclassman
- Nick Cannon plays Tracy "Tre" Stokes, a streetwise LA cop
in 'Underclassman' which combines frenetic action with
sharp-eared comedy. When a student at an elite private school
gets murdered, the rough-edged rookie, Stokes gets assigned as
the undercover detective to track down the killer. The
resulting culture shock is only one of his difficulties. The
ever-resourceful Stokes resorts to using his unique blend of
sharkish good cheer and rakish charm to woo his beautiful
teacher Karen Lopez (Roselyn Sanchez) to help him pass Spanish
and his arrogant athletic prowess to make the school
streetball team. Once Stokes gets "in" with the edgy team
captain and lead suspect Rob Donovan (Shawn Ashmore) he
discovers that Donovan is being coerced into participating in
a student car theft operation. Using his talent for hunches,
Stokes wastes no time employing unorthodox methods of
investigation. Although disapproving of Stokes behavior,
Captain Victor Delgado (Cheech Marin) is worried for his
safety and assigns two of his detectives as back up -
Detective Lisa Brooks (Kelly Hu) and Richard Gallecki (Ian
Gomez) to keep an eye on him. With their help,Stokes is able
to track down the killer, Headmaster Powers (Hugh Bonneville)
who turns out to be trading the stolen cars as payment for
A new clip from Just Like Heaven, the romantic ghost comedy
with Reese Witherspoon.
Is The Island a clone of Clonus?
- For reference, here is
my review of Clonus, which was first written after
watching both films on the same day.
MovieJuice! looks at Red Eye.
W Magazine Features Kirsten Dunst
What happens if you try to play a Platinum Record?
Russell Crowe Settles Flying Phone Flap
Something Awful reviews the greatest movie of 2005 - the Tom
Sizemore sex tape.
The Daily Show:
"Pat Robertson used 'assassinate' as a verb and not a noun, so
he didn't really mean it."
A clip from "Undiscovered", a romantic comedy fueled by
destiny, targeted at those who think Serendipity didn't suck.
Two young, aspiring entertainers (Steven Strait and Pell James)
randomly meet again after a brief encounter on the subway.
"Bill Shatner is a dickweed"
DFILM - make your own movie
New York City, the 70s, The 4:30 Movie.
- Great nostalgia. Channel 7 was a network affiliate which
ran feature-length movies in a 90 minute block - that means
they were all cut to 69 minutes of running time to allow for
commercials. Their most notorious achievement involved paring
down the 108 minute musical Brigadoon to a comprehensible 69
minute narrative - by cutting out those pesky songs which did
nothing to forward the plot! The film version of Brigadoon had
already cut out the two risque Meg Brockie songs which had
been in the stage version, so the 4:30 movie managed to run
Brigadoon virtually music-free!
Miss America Wants Out of Atlantic City
Late Night with Conan O'Brien looks at some of the revised SAT
CASTRO BACKS VIOLENT OVERTHROW OF 700 CLUB
HBO Debuts $100m Epic Series 'Rome'
Posh Spice turns down Hollywood
Relax, Bill Gates; It's Google's Turn as the Villain
University of Texas library will eliminate books, replacing
them with "colorful overstuffed chairs" and barstools. The word
library comes fom the Latin "liber", meaning ... um ... "book."
I don't know the Latin word for "barstool."
Sony, Toshiba give up on unified DVD format
Teen actress Scout Taylor-Compton, known to TV viewers for her
recurring roles on Gilmore Girls and Charmed, has gone missing
from her California home
Laser Slingshot - they claim it is nearly as accurate as an
It's too early to close it out, but here's a strong contender
for headline of the day -
Malaysian Arrested With Porn in Underwear
Quotables from Late Night with Conan O'Brien
- "Police are on the lookout for a man wearing a diaper who
has been approaching women and asking to be changed. Witnesses
are describing the man as 'Larry King.'"
- "Seven cities in Texas are competing to be the future home
of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. Or, as President
Bush plans to call it, 'My Learnin' Shed.'"
- "It's been reported that a man in California has developed
a car that will go 250 miles on one gallon of gas. The man
says he's going to start driving it as soon as he saves up
enough money to buy one gallon of gas."
The Trailer, Previews & Clips from MirrorMask
- "MirrorMask" centers on Helena, a 15 year old girl in a
family of circus entertainers, who often wishes she could run
off and join real life. After a fight with her parents about
her future plans, her mother falls quite ill and Helena is
convinced that it is all her fault. On the eve of her mother's
major surgery, she dreams that she is in a strange world with
two opposing queens, bizarre creatures, and masked
inhabitants. All is not well in this new world - the white
queen has fallen ill and can only be restored by the
MirrorMask, and it's up to Helena to find it. But as her
adventures continue, she begins to wonder whether she's in a
dream, or something far more sinister.
The trailer and some clips from a war documentary: Occupation
Four new clips from the dramedy Thumbsucker
John Cusack may break his streak of suckiness with this film.
It sounds like it has some potential. (And it's rated R for
violence, language and sexuality/nudity.)
Here's the trailer for The Ice Harvest.
Pat Reeder (comedy-wire.com)
Pat's comments in yellow:
Venezuela's leaders are outraged over the Rev. Pat Robertson's claim that their
president Hugo Chavez should be assassinated. Robertson first accused the A.P.
of misinterpreting his remarks, claiming he said he should be "taken out,"
which could mean just kidnaping him. But the video showed he did say
"assassinate." Robertson eventually issued an apology, acknowledging that it is
not right to kill people.
* Turns out there's something about it in the Bible
* ...Unless, of course, God wants you to.
* He added that videotape is an invention of Satan.
The University of Michigan reports that placebos really do relieve pain.
A study found that when male test subjects had jaw pain induced, then were given
a placebo they thought was a painkiller, the brain released chemicals that
relieved their pain. Researchers said it shows the connection between brain and
body: as long as they believed they were getting a painkiller, their brains
reacted as if they had.
* If men can believe the breasts in Playboy are real,
they can delude themselves into believing anything.
* Placebos will now be sold under the name "Placebotrex" for $20 a pill.
* Wait, was the placebo a sugar pill? Because every man knows, sugar makes the
pain go away.
CHILDREN'S BOOK FOR CONSERVATIVES
Conservative parents who are tired of liberal-message children's books like
"Heather Has Two Mommies" have an alternative: a new kids' book called "Help!
Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed!" by Katherine DeBrecht. It tells the
story of Tommy and Lou, who open a lemonade stand to raise money for a swing
set. But liberals demand half their money in taxes, take down their picture of
Jesus and force them to serve broccoli with every glass of lemonade. The
publisher said it's a humorous gift for adults, or a way to
teach your kids traditional values.
* Like Second
Amendment rights: Tommy and Lou finally shoot the liberals for
* In reality, of course, they couldn't open a lemonade stand at all because the
liability insurance is too expensive...Same reason they couldn't put up the
* And then some fat kids sue them because there's sugar in the lemonade.
* They don't HAVE to serve broccoli, but if they don't, they'll lose their
* Great: liberals are under our kids' beds, and conservatives are in their
STUDY PROVES: ACCOUNTANTS ARE DULL
The City University of Hong Kong set out to learn why accountants have a
dull image, and they found it's because their work really is dull. They speak
in heavy jargon, with terms like "provisional tax liability;" and a
researcher who spent a day at an accounting office observed almost no
socializing, just clicking calculators. Most didn't even use e-mail,
preferring letters and faxes because they're more formal. But a spokesman for a
UK accountants group insisted that accountants lead "varied and interesting
lives," working in exciting industries like entertainment, and that "tax
accountancy is anything but dull."
* In the entertainment industry, the accountants are more
creative than the writers!
* They fax papers all day long to exotic places like the Cayman Islands!
* If your tax accountant is leading a wild and exciting life, get a new tax
* These researchers obviously don't appreciate the excitement of owning the new
Texas Instruments AC-1123 solar-powered calculator!...That thing is a chick
BILLBOARDS TO CALL YOUR CELL PHONE WITH MORE ADS
The London company Filter UK has created a system called BlueCasting that
will bring ads to your cell phone every time you drive by a billboard equipped
with it. When you get within range, the billboard beams a call to your phone,
asking if you'll accept a video ad for the same product. In a test, about 17
percent of cell phone users agreed to take the call.
* They all crashed into the billboard and were killed
* This could finally be the thing that gets drivers to turn off their cell
* That's how you know you're addicted to your cell phone: when you take a call
from a billboard wanting to show you a commercial.
PENIS SILICONE ROCKS THAILAND (CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!)
Thailand's parliament is debating an emergency powers decree, but all that
Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra wanted to know was if there's any truth to a
rumor that's rocked the nation: that someone in his cabinet had silicone
injections to make his penis bigger. Thaksin demanded to know who it was, and
when the ministers just looked at their feet and squirmed, he jokingly suggested
that the health minister take them into a private room and check them out
personally. He said it had made worldwide news and he doesn't
want people thinking their leaders "are obsessed with this kind of thing."
* Just because it's all they're talking about in
* But that's what makes men WANT to be leaders!
* They were squirming at the very IDEA of having silicone injected into their
* He's afraid one of his ministers is trying to seize powers that aren't
BONNIE AND CLYDE AND PARAKEET
Police in Des Moines, Iowa, are looking into an odd robbery. A woman with
a pierced eyebrow robbed a hardware store of $390, accompanied by a huge bald
man and a large green parakeet that was sitting on her shoulder. During the
robbery, she kissed the bird, which squawked a lot. A witness later spotted
them by Gray's Lake, only the bird was on the man's shoulder. Police told
the public to be on the lookout for the pair, noting that the bird could be on
either one's shoulder.
* If caught, he'll be denied bail...He's a flight risk.
BUDAPEST COVERED IN DOG POOP
Budapest, Hungary, will spend $900,000 (US) on a campaign to rid itself of dog
poop. It includes waste disposal bins, sidewalk cleaning machines and TV ads to
promote public awareness. They say Budapest has 400,000 dogs, one of the
highest populations in Europe, and they produce 14,600 tons of poop a year, more
than the weight of the giant London Eye ferris wheel
and the Eiffel Tower combined.
* It's also piled up higher than both of them combined.
* Do they really need to raise public awareness? Isn't the problem pretty
* They'll use the sidewalk cleaners as soon as they can find the sidewalks.
"HOUSEWIVES" SPARKS MIDDLE-AGED ANOREXIA
Health clinics in Scotland report that since "Desperate Housewives" began
airing, there's been a fourfold increase in women aged 30-50 suffering
teenage-style eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia. Doctors say women
see the very thin cast members such as Teri Hatcher leading glamorous, sexy
lives, and get the idea from celebrities that they have to stay thin to remain
young. One doctor said it shows that everyone needs to be careful about whom
they choose as role models.
* Or maybe they're throwing up because they're eating
MTV AWARDS GOODY BAG REVEALED
Stars who appear on Sunday's MTV Video Music Awards in Miami will get a gift bag
valued at over $26,000. The goodies include an iPod, a Paul Frank watch, a
glass checker set, two free vacations, makeup, designer sunglasses and
T-shirts, Givenchy perfume, a Frederick's of Hollywood corset, a $1,000 session
with a "life coach," a six-month gym membership, and a "golden ticket"
redeemable for unlimited amounts of Willie Wonka candy.
* What a terrible time for Michael Moore to be locked up
in a fat farm!
* The women celebrities are so anorexic, one candy bar is a lifetime supply.
BRITNEY A BIGAMIST?
British TV host Richard Bacon claims Britney Spears is a bigamist: when she was
on his show in 2002, he proposed to her, she jokingly accepted, and they went
through a TV wedding ceremony. But he says the minister and marriage
certificate were real, so she's still actually married to him. Her spokesman
said she's married to Kevin Federline and expecting a baby, and Bacon
needs to "accept this and move on."
* On the other hand, this could be a golden opportunity
for Britney to rectify her horrible mistake.
* The certificate is now as meaningless as that 2004 FHM poll that named
Britney the sexiest woman in the world.
Currently on disability. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email
address is firstname.lastname@example.org
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