UPDATES:

• Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site has been updated, with a nice mix of old and new, including a look at Emmanuelle Béart in 2004's À boire.

Continuing with the French theme ...

Combien tu m'aimes? (2005)

This movie doesn't even come our in France until October, but we already have nude pics of Monica Bellucci. This brings us to Scoopy's Top Two Best Things About the French Cinema

1. Some French dude married Monica Bellucci, thus getting her beautiful presence into French movies.

2. Three words: naked publicity stills.

Those two things are especially good when considered together. In fact, I think I could consolidate them down to one thing: naked publicity stills of Monica Bellucci.

Crusader (2004)

Andrew McCarthy, action hero?

Yup, it is the same Andrew McCarthy whose career in the 80s consisted of playing the teenager who took himself far too seriously. And that was the 80s, when everyone else was just trying to have fun. Amazingly, McCarthy is still playing a 40ish variant on that same theme. In Crusader, he plays an investigative TV reporter for an up-and-coming international news station in Barcelona and he accidentally stumbles upon a major scoop when he receives a dying competitor's priceless action footage and decides to use it as his own.

The footage was obtained through raw courage in the face of a terrorist attack, so McCarthy becomes a cause celebre, and receives an offer from a super-sized news organization ala CNN or Sky News. Immediately, he seems to develop incredible contacts and to break story after story. It is only upon reflection and through some accidental discoveries that he begins to suspect that everything he has reported has been orchestrated to seem what it is not, as part of a global plot to gain an information monopoly. The conspiracy runs so deep that everything McCarthy has believed may be false, and everyone McCarthy thinks he can trust  - his boss, his contact at interpol, etc - may just turn out to be another one of the many heads of the conspiracy hydra. He starts to wonder if his original lucky scoop was also somehow tied into the master scheme.

This is another serviceable B-level thriller from Bryan Goeres, who seems to specialize in international intrigue centered in Barcelona. This is the third such effort I've seen from him, following Art Heist and Face of Terror, and all three films feature a B-list American lead (McCarthy, William Baldwin, Rick Shroeder) battling conspiracy in Barcelona, all the while unable to speak a word of Castillian or Catalan. All of the films are respectable plot-driven films of made-for-TV caliber, none of them possessing any real originality, but all delivering a competent product capable of filling out cable schedules with some inexpensive original programming. They are the kind of films that you would never go out of the way to watch, but if you flop down on the couch and chance to catch them on cable, they do not drive you instantly to the remote. In fact, I thought Crusader was pretty good in the first half when it concentrated on the brain power and legwork necessary to unravel the mystery. The second half is less appealing because it devolves into an action film with the formerly wimpy, conflicted, guilt-driven McCarthy suddenly transformed into a heat-packin' journalistic equivalent of Indiana Jones. Like most failed action thrillers, Crusader relies on too many coincidences and improbable circumstances to assure the survival of the hero when he is being pursued.

Some examples:

• McCarthy is about to be assassinated by a mercenary on a train platform when the arriving train suddenly floods the scene with a convenient crowd, enabling him to escape. The mercenary actually had the gun pointed and was in the process of squeezing the trigger.
• Not too much later, McCarthy was helpless in the gun sight of another conspirator - same deal, gun pointed and trigger pulling pack - when the baddie was suddenly killed himself by a minor character of whose presence we were not then aware (and who we thought to be another baddie!)
• My favorite scene involves a mercenary who chases McCarthy through the concession stand at a soccer game. Although the concession stand is filled with freshly-prepared food and the arena is chock-a-block with screaming futbol fanatics, there is nobody in the concession area except McCarthy and the mercenary. No employees, no customers, not a soul.

Except for the string of outrageous contrivances, the only really weak element of the film is that the minor roles are all filled in by people who speak little (or no) English. Many of whom seem to be pronouncing the syllables phonetically, because they stress all the wrong syllables within words, and and all the wrong words within sentences, like a high school student who ignores the meaning of Shakespeare's words by trying to deliver blank verse in a perfect iambic beat. "Shall I com PARE thee TO a SUM mer's DAY?" Most of these actors had small parts, but Ana Alvarez had a large part as McCarthy's once and future girlfriend, and she was sometimes completely incomprehensible. The film is in English, but she needed English subtitles.

The most noteworthy element of this film, for better or worse, is the supporting cast. As usual in all newsroom or newspaper dramas, there is a cynical, skeptical hard-edged Lou Grant type who trains the reporters, drives them hard, and makes them dig deeper. Guess who plays this part? Your time is up, so I'm going to turn over all the cards and say "Bo Derek." The interpol agent is played (quite competently) by Richard "Bama" Tyson, the former boy-toy from such efforts as Red Shoe Diaries and  Two Moon Junction. The head of the gigantic global meta-network is played by Michael York with his usual meticulously embalmed looks and vaguely sinister charm.

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Pat's comments in yellow:

ROBERTSON APOLOGIZES
Venezuela's leaders are outraged over the Rev. Pat Robertson's claim that their president Hugo Chavez should be assassinated.  Robertson first accused the A.P. of misinterpreting his remarks,  claiming he said he should be "taken out," which could mean just kidnaping him. But the video showed he did say "assassinate."  Robertson eventually issued an apology, acknowledging that it is not right to kill people.

*  Turns out there's something about it in the Bible somewhere.
*   ...Unless, of course, God wants you to.
*  He added that videotape is an invention of Satan.

 

PLACEBOS WORK
The University of Michigan reports that  placebos really do relieve pain.  A study found that when male test subjects had jaw pain induced, then were given a placebo they thought was a painkiller, the  brain released chemicals that relieved their pain.  Researchers said it shows the connection between brain and body: as long as they believed they were getting a painkiller, their brains reacted as if they had.

*  If men can believe the breasts in Playboy are real, they can delude themselves into believing anything.
*   Placebos will now be sold under the name "Placebotrex" for $20 a pill.
*  Wait, was the placebo a sugar pill?  Because every man knows, sugar makes the pain go away.



CHILDREN'S BOOK FOR CONSERVATIVES
Conservative parents who are tired of liberal-message children's books like "Heather Has Two Mommies" have an alternative: a new kids' book called "Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed!" by Katherine DeBrecht.  It tells the story of Tommy and Lou, who open a lemonade stand to raise money for a swing set.  But liberals demand half their money in taxes, take down their picture of Jesus and force them to serve broccoli with every glass of lemonade.  The publisher said it's a humorous gift for adults, or a way to
teach your kids traditional values.

*  Like Second Amendment rights: Tommy and Lou finally shoot the liberals for  trespassing.
*  In reality, of course, they couldn't open a lemonade stand at all because the liability insurance is too expensive...Same reason they couldn't put up the swing set.
*  And then some fat kids sue them because there's sugar in the lemonade.
*  They don't HAVE to serve broccoli, but if they don't, they'll lose their federal funding.
*  Great: liberals are under our kids' beds, and conservatives are in their  parents' bedrooms.



STUDY PROVES: ACCOUNTANTS ARE DULL
The City University of Hong Kong set out to learn  why accountants have a dull image, and they found it's because their work really is dull.  They speak in heavy jargon, with terms like "provisional tax  liability;" and a researcher who spent a day at an accounting office observed almost no socializing, just clicking calculators.  Most didn't even use e-mail,  preferring letters and faxes because they're more formal.  But a spokesman for a UK accountants group insisted that accountants lead "varied and interesting  lives," working in exciting industries like entertainment, and that "tax accountancy is anything but dull."

*  In the entertainment industry, the accountants are more creative than the writers!
*  They fax papers all day long to exotic places like the Cayman Islands!
*  If your tax accountant is leading a wild and exciting life, get a new tax accountant!
*  These researchers obviously don't appreciate the excitement of owning the new Texas Instruments AC-1123 solar-powered calculator!...That thing is a chick magnet!



BILLBOARDS TO CALL YOUR CELL PHONE WITH MORE ADS
The London company Filter UK has created a system  called BlueCasting that will bring ads to your cell phone every time you drive by a billboard equipped with it.  When you get within range, the billboard beams a call to your phone, asking if you'll accept a video ad for the same product.  In a test, about 17 percent of cell phone users agreed to take the call.

*  They all crashed into the billboard and were killed instantly.
*  This could finally be the thing that gets drivers to turn off their cell  phones.
*  That's how you know you're addicted to your cell phone: when you take a call from a billboard wanting to show you a commercial.




PENIS SILICONE ROCKS THAILAND  (CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!)
Thailand's parliament is debating an emergency powers  decree, but all that Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra wanted to know was if there's any truth to a rumor that's rocked the nation: that someone in his cabinet had silicone injections to make his penis bigger.  Thaksin demanded to know who it was, and when the ministers just looked at their feet and squirmed, he jokingly suggested that the health minister take them into a private room and check them out personally. He said it had made worldwide news and he doesn't
want people thinking their leaders "are obsessed with this kind of thing."

*  Just because it's all they're talking about in Parliament...
*  But that's what makes men WANT to be leaders!
*  They were squirming at the very IDEA of having silicone injected into their penises.
*  He's afraid one of his ministers is trying to seize powers that aren't  rightfully his.


BONNIE AND CLYDE AND PARAKEET
Police in Des Moines, Iowa, are looking into an odd  robbery.  A woman with a pierced eyebrow robbed a hardware store of $390, accompanied by a huge bald man and a large green parakeet that was sitting on her shoulder.  During the robbery, she kissed the bird, which squawked a lot.  A witness later spotted them by Gray's Lake, only the bird was on the man's  shoulder.  Police told the public to be on the lookout for the pair, noting that the bird could be on either one's shoulder.

*  If caught, he'll be denied bail...He's a flight risk.



BUDAPEST COVERED IN DOG POOP
Budapest, Hungary, will spend $900,000 (US) on a campaign to rid itself of dog poop.  It includes waste disposal bins, sidewalk cleaning machines and TV ads to promote public awareness.  They say Budapest has  400,000 dogs, one of the highest populations in Europe, and they produce 14,600 tons of poop a year, more than the weight of the giant London Eye ferris wheel
and the Eiffel Tower combined.

*  It's also piled up higher than both of them combined.
*  Do they really need to raise public awareness?  Isn't the problem pretty  obvious?
*  They'll use the sidewalk cleaners as soon as they can find the sidewalks.



"HOUSEWIVES" SPARKS MIDDLE-AGED ANOREXIA
Health clinics in Scotland report that since "Desperate Housewives" began airing, there's been a fourfold increase in women aged 30-50 suffering teenage-style eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia.  Doctors say women see the very thin cast members such as Teri Hatcher leading glamorous, sexy lives, and get the idea from celebrities that they have to stay thin to remain young.  One doctor said it shows that everyone needs to be careful about whom they choose as role models.

*  Or maybe they're throwing up because they're eating Scottish food.



MTV AWARDS GOODY BAG REVEALED
Stars who appear on Sunday's MTV Video Music Awards in Miami will get a gift bag valued at over $26,000.  The goodies include an iPod, a Paul Frank watch, a glass checker set, two free vacations,  makeup, designer sunglasses and T-shirts, Givenchy perfume, a Frederick's of Hollywood corset, a $1,000 session with a "life coach," a six-month gym membership, and a "golden ticket" redeemable for unlimited amounts of Willie Wonka candy.

*  What a terrible time for Michael Moore to be locked up in a fat farm!
*  The women celebrities are so anorexic, one candy bar is a lifetime supply.


BRITNEY A BIGAMIST?
British TV host Richard Bacon claims Britney Spears is a bigamist: when she was on his show in 2002, he proposed to her, she jokingly accepted, and they went through a TV wedding ceremony.  But he says the minister and marriage certificate were real, so she's still actually married to him.  Her spokesman said she's married to Kevin Federline and expecting a  baby, and Bacon needs to "accept this and move on."

*  On the other hand, this could be a golden opportunity for Britney to rectify her horrible mistake.
*  The certificate is now as meaningless as that 2004 FHM poll that named  Britney the sexiest woman in the world.
 

Currently on disability. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is tuna@scoopy.com

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